LIFE IN DEPARTMENT WEIRD
Rating: R for language
Keywords:: Humour, Parody, Alternate Universe
Summary: Piece of harmless fluff. Mulder and Scully are acting a little odd...or are appearances deceiving?
Disclaimer: Don't own any. No harm done.
Note: This story is actually a part 2, (the first part sadly got lost - in the fist part, Mulder and Scully got 'beamed' into our world together, while in this one....well, you'll see).
Chris Carter was the first to realize it. But then again, he had always kept a vigilant eye for things like those, since his paranormal encounter, three months before. That happening, which he could neither prove, nor x- plain, became quite a joke on the set. Everybody thought that he had been had. Yes, it was a clever orchestration, and a striking resemblance, anyone could have fallen for it, but a hoax nonetheless. It appeared that Chris Carter himself, the Almighty Master of Morbidity & Hoaxes, fell more or less, into his own trap.
When he saw that everybody was playing Scully to his Mulder, Carter refused to comment furthermore on his encounter. 3 months later revenge came in a very un-x-pected and x-filish way. Following a great storm in Vancouver, Carter's computer was struck again by lightning, but there was more to it. 3 months ago, scared by the electric activities going on in his own working room, Chris Carter planted a couple of lightning rods around to attract lightning. The odd thing is they did, but his computer wasn't spared, as if something more, an energy above that of the lightning rods, was in there.
So, Carter's room became a very dangerous place, and in the light of future events, sort of a gateway to another dimension. When his computer was struck again by lightning, Carter left that room, locked it, and went on holiday. He took that as a lovely opportunity to take a week off, though he wasn't quite sure he could spend so much time not working.
Three days later, looking for the movie script which got lost under mysterious circumstances, Gillian entered that room using the spare key. When she left the room, 5 minutes later, she had different clothes, a different hairdo and different make-up.
Mulder was the second to realize the change. Things were beginning to look un-x-pectedly messed up – which would have been fine, only he saw no reason for it: so Mulder had a hunch about the approach of another travel in a parallel world. The only problem was that, at the unexpected blow in the head that was meant to knock both him and Scully into unconsciousness and another dimension – he came to 5 minutes later, very much in his own world; while Scully (or someone who looked incredibly like her, only with a different hairdo, different clothes and a different make-up); kept screaming:
"David, what are we doing here?!"
It took him no more than another 5 minutes for his brilliant mind to make the connection, and find the correct x-planation. And then he could calm down the woman next to him who was quickly evolving from panic to hysteria – by revealing to her the un-x-pected turn of events.
He almost passed out from the shock, finding that she accepted his theory. In fact, when she said: "Yes".
He felt the need to ask: "Yes what?"
And at the answer: "I think you're right, Mulder", spoken in Scully's voice, he had to give himself a mental shake not to start yelling in joy.
The truth is she didn't quite resemble his 'rigid in a wonderful way partner'. Gillian agreed to go with him to the FBI, but refused, no matter how hard Mulder implored her, to act as if she was Scully.
Scully left Carter's apartment more confused than ever, though with a slight feeling of déjà vu. She dismissed it quickly though and she refused to think about it, as she didn't believe in such things. Wondering why she didn't know this town, she roamed about for a few hours, then she ended up near the set. Guards were standing by and she prepared to leave, but she saw in amazement that they were making room for her to pass. She did just so, not without the hint of a shock, and she was looking around trying to figure out why this déjà vu feeling was coming to her all over again – when suddenly a very familiar voice behind her said:
David was beginning to be increasingly irritated:
"Since when am I at your beck and call?!"
"Mulder!" Scully almost shouted losing her temper. "This is not x-actly the phrase I'd use to qualify a relationship – a partnership – like ours, based on TRUST"
. "OK, alright, I agree..." David said regarding Scully somehow in doubt. 'When did she get that smart? He wondered. "Why did you need me for just now?"
'Why is Mulder being so annoying, Scully was thinking. I have the impression he's mocking me.' "When we work together, Mulder", she said aloud. "it's needless to say that we have to be together most of the time, given the amount of time we both spend working. If you don't like my companion, you might as well ask for a transfer."
"Where to? Star Trek? Wait – they're not shooting it anymore."
'Damn, he wasn't even funny'.
"Listen", David said suddenly as if he had just had a revelation, "I think it's one of THESE days for you, so it's better for us to leave each other alone, OK?" David silently backed away.
'Oh no you don't, she thought, becoming increasingly mad. Nobody dares treat me like this and LIVES!'
"Mulder!" she yelled after him. David turned around as suddenly as he left: "I wanna know why the hell you keep calling me Mulder? Are you completely out of your mind? You've finally cracked? Or do you just wanna see me lose my temper? Well, that ain't gonna happen, so clear off!"
"Wha..."
Scully took it as a sign of approval, took her cell phone and called an ambulance:
"Hello. It's FBI agent Dana Scully. I request an ambulance at..." Then she hung up and placed back her cell phone, telling David sweetly:"Everything's gonna be OK, Mulder.""Gillian, you just called an ambulance", David said, while Scully was checking his eyes and reflex responses."Don't you think this joke is going a bit too far? I mean, Rob ain't gonna be too happy...I don't know why you bother to play such a big prank on your partner, involving even the ambulance guys – cause I still don't show any emotion. OK, OK, I don't mean it, you HAD me, you had me big time, now please let's put an end to this charade.""Mulder, shhh, you'll be fine, stop mumbling.""Just end this fucking joke, Gill, I'm not in the mood for it.""Your health is not a joke, Mulder. Track my finger." Just then, the ambulance arrived. Scully approached them, dragging David after her."I have strong reasons to believe that this man needs full physical and psychological check-up. Be careful, he might be uncooperative.""Oh, like hell! Listen, guys, I know she's playing a prank on me, now would you please be so kind as to get your hands OFF ME!"Easy, sir! Step this way.""I'll ride with you", Scully announced."Please, you have to understand, I'm not the crazy one, she's the one who keeps calling me Mulder! Great! Of the whole Vancouver population, I get the only three guys that don't watch the X Files!""Watch your head, sir!"FBI HEADQUARTERS, WASHINGTON D.C
As he pulled off in front of the FBI building, Mulder looked at the woman in the leather jacket and tight pants next to him, and said with a sigh:
"Since you have decided to maintain your...outfit and your...natural behavior...Though, really, it would be really no big deal for you to assume Scully's, you know very well how to...""No," she cut him off. "I play her 12 hours a day, and these are my off hours. I'm not going to let even an inter dimensional travel interfere with my schedule.""Alright, "Mulder said resigned. "But I'm going to ask you not to say a word unless asked VERY directly.""No.""What do you mean 'No'?""And why should YOU talk for me?! Because you're the GUY? Because you're the big macho man? I bet you make much more money than Scully, don't you?""Actually, it's none of your damn business. Let's go!" They reached Skinner's office without any incidents. Skinner's secretary regarded them puzzled:"Whom should I announce?" she asked."Agents Mulder and Scully, of course", Mulder said, keeping his composure.They entered. Skinner was standing with his back at them looking out the window, and seemed preoccupied with something."I called you two in because..." He turned around and saw them. Seconds passed by. It was Mulder's turn to admire the view outside, while preparing for the storm to come. Finally, Skinner said, on an equal voice:"Agent Scully, is there something I should know?""About?" Gillian asked brightly. Skinner coughed and turned his eyes to Mulder, who shrugged, and gave him a version of his classic puppy dog face – which shocked Skinner even more. Still, his ex-Marine soldier spirit decided he should stick to business."I called you two in here because I have to answer in front of the FBI Panel tomorrow concerning an issue that has to do with you two.""Sir?" Mulder asked curiously."It's rumored you two are...romantically involved.""Sir – that's a ridiculous idea", Mulder said smiling. "I don't know why you are showing so much concern for such a baseless rumor.""Actually, you know...", Gillian said preoccupied, "I meant to tell you before...the script for this season's episodes....""WHAT?" Mulder yelled, forgetting Skinner. "But Chris...""No, not Chris, but, you know, even God has his fallen angels, who are trying to mess up with his Work.""So basically we're fucked.""Not exactly, I mean, not yet, anyway.""Oh, man, back into the tangled web of shit. You know, THAT''S why I never know what I want. Too many people deciding my innermost wishes."Agent Mulder, agent Scully, I will forget I heard this conversation if you tell me what the hell is going on here.""Well, let's see...", Gillian started."X-cuse us, sir", Mulder rushed in, interrupting, "I think you will allow us some time to reflect upon these new series of events.""All right, but I must warn you: there are talks about new assignments for you two going on just now. Be careful what decision you make.""We will, sir.""They will, sir"."Agent Scully, a second, please."Skinner waited till the door closed behind Mulder then he searched through one of his drawers, then handed a small book to Gillian."I'd never thought I'll say this to you, agent Scully, but maybe you should take a good look at the descriptions of outfits appropriate for a building like the FBI.She took it and went through it briefly:"You know, sir", she said before x-iting his office, "it would be very cool if you waxed your head."
BACK IN VANCOUVER
The team was getting ready to shoot and everybody was on the set (well, almost everybody). It wasn't until Rob Bowman yelled: "Action!" that he realized the leading actors where missing. A few crewmembers reported they had seen them leaving the set in an ambulance. Worried sick, Bowman called all the hospitals, asking for patients named Duchovny or Anderson. He only got negative answers, and he was just preparing to check the morgues as well, when someone reported to him that at Mercy Hospital, in the psychiatric section, there was a guy named Mulder, who suffered apparently from an identity disorder.
"That's our guy!" Bowman yelled. He went to that hospital to check David out and x-plain the people there that he does that all the time, but if they'd institutionalize him each time he did, they'd be way behind their schedule. Entering the hospital, he asked the nurse on duty that he's here to see the guy whose real name is David Duchovny but claims to be Fox Mulder. The nurse checked the board then told him:"I'm sorry, we have nobody here fitting that description. But we do have someone whose real name is Mulder, but claims to be Duchovny.Bowman felt that something was utterly wrong with this picture and, on a hunch, he decided to see the mysterious patient. No need to say he was amazed to see a man resembling Mulder/David, lying in a bed, with his feet over the edge and looking beat."Hey, which one are you?" Bowman asked."I wish I knew", came the deadpan answer. Bowman recognized the joke as belonging to David and David only."What's with you here, and how come everybody thinks you're Mulder??""Shhh, lower your voice, she'll hear you!""She who?""Scully. After she brought me here and flashed everybody her FBI badge (and mine) everybody here was absolutely positive I was Mulder. Truth IS something relative, huh?""The truth is out there", replied Bowman with wisdom."You have to get me out there. And then we have to get rid of her.""Who?""Don't you get it? What happened to Carter 3 months ago...it is happening again!"Bowman stood still for a second, considering it."Yes...you are right David...""You think I'm right", said David x-citedly. "Thank God.""All that you need to do now is stay still and let the doctors x-amine you. I'm sure you'll be alright.""WHAT?! No, no, please, Rob. You have to believe me! NO, don't leave me.""I think we're gonna need some restraints in here", Bowman said, x-iting David's room. "Oh, hi, Gillian."She stopped in her tracks and stared at him. For a few seconds, they eyed each other suspiciously. Then, at the same moment, Bowman prepared to take to flight, and Scully pulled out her gun. The following things also happened simultaneously: Scully yelled:"Hold it right there!"And Bowman ran for his life. He jumped into his car and drove away. He made it a few miles, and then he stopped and pulled out his cell phone. He dialed a number, and spoke, while still breathing hard:"Hello, Chris? David and Gillian have gone nuts. We need you here."FOX MULDER'S APARTMENT, AT NIGHT.
He knew he had to do it. His paranoid nature just wouldn't let him be. He inhaled deeply, then slipped into his biohazard suit. It was kind of hard then, though to grab between his fingers the tiny needle he had prepared. But, at last, he succeeded. He looked over to her: she was sleeping on his couch, and it looked as if nothing could ever wake her. Inter-dimensional travels must be really tiring. He moved as silently as he could closer and closer...and closer. He raised the needle...and stung her index finger. Then he opened his eyes and watched. THANK GOD! But his relief wasn't to last long, as she jerked upright yelling. Mulder quickly pulled off his mask and tried to calm her down.
"Oh, shit!" she said when she finally stopped screaming. "This is the kinky part of you we never get to see onscreen.""No, no", he said. "I was just trying to see ... I mean, just in case...""What?""That you're not a clone or something. They have green blood, you know.""Oh, my", Gillian said. "Yeah, classic."Suddenly Mulder dropped his mask and fell besides the couch, with his head in his hands."Hey! Are you OK? What happened?""Yeah, I guess, but...""Repressed memories?" Gillian asked knowingly. But Mulder stopped responding. He was completely out of it.BACK IN VANCOUVER
Bowman didn't question it when Chris responded to his obviously confusing question only with:
"OK, I'll be right there." After all he was Chris Carter. In fact, Carter was x-pecting his call. In fact he wondered what took them so long. He took the first flight to Vancouver, relaxed, x-posing his disarming smile, as usual, having everything under control. He came on the set where everybody greeted him with funeral faces, and asked like a doctor preparing for surgery:"What do we have here?""The hospital. It's all there", Bowman whispered as if he was revealing a conspiracy.Carter snapped his fingers and said:"Take me there, now!" When he got there, and told the guard he was going to room 1013, David's room, he was given a full body search immediately, then they told him he should wait while he received confirmation. Carter turned to Bowman, waiting for an x-planation, but Bowman shrugged and told him:"I'll wait here."Now Scully came out of Mulder's room and the two of them regarded each other in silence for a while. Scully frowned. Carter smiled.
"Good to see you again, Scully"."Why is everybody else calling me Gillian and you're not?""Cause you resemble her greatly – though not entirely!" Carter pointed to her and turned to Bowman: "See: no mole on her upper lip", he declared triumphantly."Gee, boss, I really missed that.""I think we traveled here again, right", Scully asked confused."No", Carter said. "Only you.""But Mulder...""He's not Mulder, he's David.""Oh...OH!" Scully said, suddenly realizing. "In that case, x-cuse me". She went into David's room. David heard the door opening and opened his eyes. Seeing Scully, he closed them again."I have to apologize for my behavior, Mr. Duchovny, but I thought you were my partner.""But you are my partner", David mumbled weakly."No, no, I'm afraid there has been a misunderstanding. You just relax. Everything is going to be OK." It was the third time David heard those words since things had gone astray; and he learnt by know that each time he heard them, things were meant to go from bad to worse. But this time he was wrong. Things were looking up."Come on", Carter told her when she came out of David's room. "We're going to my work room.""What are you gonna do, boss?" Bowman asked him."Send her in her world and get Gillian back,""How?" Bowman and Scully asked almost together."Through Mulder. I mean through me. He is me." Bowman opened his mouth but refused to comment. He didn't want to lose his jobMULDER'S APARTMENT ----- CARTER'S WORK ROOM"Mulder, Mulder, please, come on! Snap out of it!" And Mulder did. At once."Sorry", he said. "'Been busy talking to God.""Oh", Gillian said. "And what did He say?""That it's time for you to go back."
"I think I'll be able to reverse what just happened, by repeating that natural phenomenon: the lightning that struck my computer", Carter spoke. He turned to Bowman: "Can our Special effects guy do that?" This time, Bowman decided he would tell Carter the truth even at the risk of fucking up his career:
"I think you're nuts, boss". Carter looked as if he had been complimented."Call Matt Beck at once", he told Bowman with a broad smile. So Bowman took his cell phone and did as he was told.
"Let me get this straight: You said you received information telepathically from Chris from the next door dimension.""Yes. And he told me he will reverse the phenomenon that brought you here and get you back, and Scully also, and things would be back to normal – so to speak.""And that he would create a flash of fake lightning that would strike his own computer.""X-actly."
"Do you actually believe this load of crap?""Yes", Mulder said simply.""Should've known...""Wait a second..." Mulder said staring intently into space. "He says he's got it all prepped." 'Strike it when you're ready', Mulder transmitted to Carter.They sat and waited."So I guess this is it..." Mulder said."Yeah," Gillian said. "But there's something I meant to ask you for a long time.""What is it?""It's a little bet between David and me: did you ever want to get it on with Scully?" Mulder opened his mouth to answer, but at the x-act same time the atmosphere blurred and Scully appeared in front of him. Mulder promptly closed his mouth and hugged his partner."Thank God", he muttered under his breath."Damn it, Chris!" Gillian said. "Right when Mulder was about to answer the question on the lips of every X-Phile!""I know!" Carter said, grinning like a Cheshire cat.THREE DAYS LATER – VANCOUVER, BC
It was a dull rainy day on the set of The X Files, and things were back to normal – or at least so they appeared. Bowman yelled "Action!" and he realized that something was still wrong with this picture. He considered it for a few seconds, then shouted to the others:
"Oh my God! We forgot to check David out of the nut house!"END!