The reason I'm lost is the same reason I'm crying. It's because I don't know. Such a confusing conclusion could come to many solutions, but none of them would make complete sense. I don't know exactly why I could be crying. I don't know why the transparency of olive green sends a shiver up my spine when it runs down my pale cheeks. I never thought I could get so upset, when I feel no rage at all. It's not sadness, I'm afraid. It's probably not even an explainable emotion. But all I can gather from it is that it hurts. I'm trying to tune it out, trying to make everything numb, even trying to lower my whimpering, but it's just not working. Nothing has been really working out recently.
Previously, I had engaged in an enticing roleplay with the best morial in the entire universe. I love him so much- platonically! He is like… what is it that humans call them? Like a brother, I think. Though sometimes he is no fun, I know he likes to play games, even if he doesn't want to admit it. He's very precious and close to my heart. But there is another boy that is even closer to my heart. My eyes dilate and I swear to whatever messiahs Gamzee believes in, they sparkle, too! Or at least, I think. I've never seen my own eyes do that in a mirror. I guess the only language I can speak at the moment is assumptions. And now as I ramble I continue to go off topic. That boy, though. He sends shivers up all through my body, they are good shivers, I promise you that. His name isn't important, he told me, one of the first times I talked to him. But I just can't help but, think about him. I dream about him. I just really, really like him.
I've never known his blood color, I don't know if anyone does. But in these final moments that's the only thing that comes to mind. A big of hope and regret, but everything I want to see is the bright cherry red that is supposedly supposed to be grey. My cold eyes that were once shimmering with a hint of anger and fear rolled over to the ground. I followed the lines of my tattered coat, around my hand and down my retractable claws. And then I see blue. The most royal blue you'll ever see, it's right here. A smile creeps up on the side of a head. I can't smile. I can't move. But that's alright, because I don't want to. This is a serious well thought out deep thinking time. I can't afford to lose my spot. My jacket seems bigger than usual, and I ever so slightly move my arm to see how much space was available for rent. When I moved, I felt the fabric become damp, and a bit sticky. I am trying to focus this blurry vision, but I don't need to see to know that it is blood. But that's okay. My mind is wandering again. I attempt to turn myself over to my side, and it hurts a whole lot, but I never not finish a job. Using all my effort, I retract the claws and dip my finger tips in the olive green paint. My own self being doesn't matter now. The nobody's self matters; the grey nobody. With shaking hands, I moved the paint in swirls to paint a picture of him. He doesn't care about me, he wouldn't, and he never did in the first place. But if I could just see his face one more time, I would be the most thankful troll in whatever civilization is left, which is probably very little to none. I'm tired. I want to close my eyes but they decide not to cooperate. I curl myself up, like I did when I was younger and I continued to weep. This wasn't supposed to happen, not like this. I begin to look up, and up, and up…
Until a dull white sets in for appearance. From the inside, the current showing is dark. The showing isn't long, and I open my new eyes. It's quite apparent that I am dead. I'm alright with it, I kind of liked my dreaming outfit better, I guess. It's weird to glance over with no pupils, but I do anyways. I have found a short nubby horned boy wearing the most heroic, but silly pajamas I have ever seen. My thoughts start to wander but I smile. I think to myself;
":33 equius, you'll never guess who I found."