This Heart Of Mine - Prelude
Author: Niu
Pairings: Trunks x Goten, maybe some Vegeta x Goku later, but I'm not sure.
Beta: Projectsynapse
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
A/N: Well, this is my first DBZ fanfic, so I hope you all like it. I also would like to thank Projectsynapse for accepting to become my beta reader.
Some people say we should start from the beginning, and in this story the beginning is fundamental. I could never forget about it, about how everything started, and sometimes I wish I could turn back time and live all that again. I know I can't, I know that the things are out of my control right now, and I miss him terribly, but all I can do is fight. I can't feel his ki, but I know he is alive; my hand aches constantly - the one which carries our promise – as a reminder of what we used to be to each other. I suppose he is keeping a low profile for the same reason I am, in fact I'm quite sure he is, but it makes everything more difficult to me. To us.
He was my best friend and still is, above everything. He was the one who kept me sane, who took me from the ground and taught me how to get up. He was the only one who believed in me without any kind of doubt, who was proud of me no matter what and always had a beautiful smile just for me. And I can't stop wondering when I'm going to see him again, the pain being almost unbearable. I know he is feeling the same, otherwise that burn in my hand would cease, but it is making me desperate to soothe his own suffering. He is needing me and I can't do anything about it.
But maybe, as I said, I should start from the beginning and stopping getting ahead of myself. It won't do any good.
We were young, really young, when our friendship began. I was his first friend like he was mine, because our parents were long time buddies. Well, I mean, my mother was his father's friend and my father was obsessed with his. I still don't get what those two feels towards each other, and I am not quite sure I want to, but it doesn't matter, anyway. What does matter is the fact that our fathers are not humans, just as part of each of us is not. We are fighters by inheritance. Not common fighters; violence runs through their veins, like that thirst for power and blood. They were born to fight, as we were, but their need for it was beyond our comprehension. I guess our human side made us softer… or, at least, that was what my father used to say. Maybe he was right.
But anyways, we were friends and our personalities were very distinct from one another. The funny thing is that people believed we were alike, almost the same, and they couldn't be more wrong. Goten and I completed each other, that's why we were a very good pair. He knew what I needed, understood me in a way that not even myself could understand and loved me for what I was. Of course, everything was truly reciprocated by my part and that's exactly why I took the initiative of making that pact, that promise.
It happened when we were kids, the last hope of earth, and we were training damn hard for the possibility of saving it. The remaining ones weren't strong enough to even try and the others were dead, or so we thought. But the worst problem, at least in my opinion, had begun when his dad – who came back from the dead for just one day – returned to the Other World. I had never seen Goten so devastated, and it wasn't only because the father he just met was leaving again. No…
I remember hearing his mother running after his dead father with tears in her eyes. She was saying that her Gohan was now dead, as was her beloved husband and so she had no other reason to go on. I saw Goten tensing next to me, but remaining motionless as Goku said she had her baby son to take care of. But her answer made my friend's heart stop and his breath was caught in his lungs, painfully. When she said that it wasn't enough, that she wanted their Gohan back, I thought Goten would cry or say something, but he didn't. He stared at the ground with a blank look, as if he was in a shock too deep to even try to express it. His father, as dense as he was, noticed something wrong and asked what was the matter. That was what brought tears to his eyes. I saw his relief when his mother said it was because he wanted to be held by his dad, and when Goku smiled, taking his young son in his arms, I knew Goten would use it as a cover for his breakdown. My best friend was never as stupid or innocent as he seemed to be, and detested to show his real feelings in public. Sure, he was an excellent actor, no one suspected that his dramas weren't for real, but I knew better.
After that, his usual smile was back into place, like nothing happened, and he was asking for food again. Our mothers wanted us to rest after all that hard training and I couldn't thank them enough for that. Not because I was tired, but because I wanted to know how Goten was really doing. We ate in silence and I took the opportunity to analyze and observe him. His eyes never met mine so I couldn't be sure about his feelings, but I had time to find out. They showed us our room so we could take a nap and I didn't waste any time when the door was closed; I sat by his side and looked into his eyes, deeply, so he couldn't hide anything from me. He didn't even bothered to try, by the way.
"You are not ok, Chibi." I said, without any doubt, and saw his smile disappear. He didn't answer right away, only lowering his head in a sign of defeat and I could only put my hand on his shoulder, as some kind of consolation, as I watched him falling apart for the second time that day.
Goten never had any shame of showing me what he truly felt or thought, so I wasn't surprised when his tears fell over the mattress. But I was upset nonetheless. I always hated to see him cry… It was like I could do nothing to chase his sadness away.
However, that time I took him in my little eight-year-old arms and held him firmly against my chest. He embraced me, crying and sobbing, not loudly, but desperately. He clutched onto me like I was his savior, his only source of strength and security and that… touched me. Not only in a good way, that made me think he really needed me, but it scared me. What if I wasn't strong enough to lift and carry him? What if I… fail him like all the others did? I took the risk, I held him, I gave him the comfort he needed and he accepted it, me, and I was never judged or pressured into anything; he accepted just what I could give him, knowing fully well my own limitations.
"She doesn't love me." He said through his sobs in his infantile voice."She can't."
"Why not?" I asked, truly confused and curious. How could a mother not love her own son? Even in my young age I couldn't understand that, not the way he did, and I was surprised with his conclusions.
"'Cause I look like my dad. Sometimes, she almost cries after looking at me. Gohan can't love me either for the same reason. I think… I'm doomed, Trunks. They hurt because of me and I hurt too." He replied, staring firmly into my eyes. "I'm alone."
I frowned and grasped his shoulders, angered. He had no right to think he was alone! What about me?
"You are not alone, you idiot! I'm here, did you forget that already?" I spat, the hurt showing in my semblance, but I regretted my anger at the moment I saw the desolated look in his beautiful black eyes.
"I'm sorry Trunks. I'm so sorry…" He sobbed. "That's not what I meant. I know you are here, but you are not my mummy. I wish she loved me… you think I can ask Shenlong for that?"
I shook my head, biting my lower lip. I knew I wasn't his mother, but hearing that he only wanted her love, despite the fact that I was there for him, hurt me. I wanted to give him what he never had, but I knew I wasn't enough. Or so my young mind thought in all its pain. I never thought about how selfish I was being, wanting all of Goten's love, but in my childish point of view, I did not understand what that feeling was or why I was feeling that… I just accepted and never questioned it until later. Maybe I thought it was a normal thing, wanting your best friend's love only for yourself, or maybe I was afraid of seeing the truth. I really don't know.
"Mom told me Shenlong can't change people's feelings, but if it makes you happy, I do love you, Goten." I whispered, smiling softly to him despite my feelings. I wanted to be accepted, I wanted him to be satisfied with just my love, and I was being selfish again without even realizing it.
"You do?" My friend asked in a small surprised voice, blinking away his tears. I nodded in response, happy to see his smile blossoming again.
"Of course I do, nitwit! You are my best friend!" I added no further comment, afraid of ruining the moment. I didn't realize, back there, the true meanings of the word 'love', my conception being the 'when-you-like-someone-very-much' my mother gave me, but I know now that I always loved him in a more special way, even when I was that young. He hugged me strongly and I could feel his smile grow wider against my chest as he hid his face from my sight. I knew he was blushing furiously and that thought made all the hurt I felt before go away.
"I do too." He mumbled and my arms slid from his shoulders to his waist. I embraced him, sighing softly, content in just being near him.
"You know, I will always be here for you, Goten." I remember telling him, while caressing his hair after a minute or so of silence."I will take care of you and we will be together forever." I cursed myself for saying those pathetic words after they went out of my mouth, but I was unable to keep them to myself; I needed him to know how strongly I felt about him. I knew he would understand me, my motivations, even if he didn't comprehend or noticed my selfishness.
"Promise?" He asked, looking at my face with a seriousness that wasn't common in his semblance, as if he was daring me to accept the true meaning of my words or making sure I wasn't mocking him.
"I promise."
And it was then that I remembered my father's words about some Saiyajin kind of pact. He always told me many stories about our kind and its traditions, satisfying both my curiosity and my need to be next to him. He told me that Saiyajins were always loyal to their promises because of the way they ensured that. It was a ritual; every strong promise or pact made between them was sealed by blood, not like those stupid blood pacts made by weakling humans which means nothing, he said, but something real. And the blood would never let you betray your words, the scar would remind you of your commitment and won't ever heal. It will just appear healed, but will sting and burn when you get in debt with your promise. Because blood, he explained, was a sacred thing between Saiyajins and when you share your blood it's like you are sharing also a part of yourself. And it was just what I wanted to share with Goten that time: a part of me and a part of him too.
I didn't understand the weight of that kind of pact, but now I do. And I wouldn't change anything back then, I would still do it and with even more fervor after knowing the truly meaning of that ritual.
I sneaked into the kitchen and picked a sharp knife, after telling Goten about my plan. He agreed immediately, excited to know that we would do some Saiyajin sacred-secret-thing – as he put it – and make sure that my promise would never be broken. I had no idea of how the scar should look like or how to make the ritual, so I made it all up and prayed it would work for both of our sakes. He sat in front of me and I looked into his eyes, the knife firmly griped in my left hand.
"I promise I will always take care of you and never leave you, Chibi." I said, seriously, as I cut his initial deeply in the palm of my right hand, my eyes never leaving his. I offered him the knife after I was finished, trying very hard to ignore all the pain and burning that the cut gave and was giving me.
"I promise to take care of you too! And we will be together forever." He half-repeated what I said earlier, happily, cutting his hand with my initial and wincing because of the pain. I smiled and took the knife away from him when he finished, picking his bloody hand with my bloody one and putting them in a vertical position, as we interlaced our fingers.
"Forever." I repeated his last word, pressing my palm to his, feeling our blood mixing and running down my forearm. My hand was burning unbearably, but I found that I couldn't take it away from Goten's while that feeling spread through my body, almost making me panic. I also saw the same fear in his eyes and then I knew the ritual was working; I felt I was sharing a part of me with him. My whole body was burning and I could feel the heat emanating from his as well. I couldn't understand what was happening, but I knew that I was feeling some of Goten's sensations, although I didn't know how, my aching hand being the only proof of that.
But as suddenly as it had started, it was over. Our hands fell away from one another, the blood spotting vividly in our skin while we were staring at each other, unable to look away.
"What will we do with this blood?" He asked, finally breaking the mood and looking at his hand after a long period of silence. "Do we have to lick it?"
I thought for a moment and, being childish and stupid, concluded it was the best option. I didn't know if the bond could be broken if we washed our hands and didn't want our mothers to find blood in our sheets, so even if licking it away was a gross thing to do, it was safer. And I really thought that our Saiyajins ancestors would do something like that, so I agreed with his suggestion, only that I found more logical and bonding if I licked his and he licked mine, like some kind of stronger commitment or whatever. Maybe I just wanted to feel his tongue touching my skin as mine touched his, but I think in that time I was too young and naïve to even wonder about that.
That day, however, was much more intense than I anticipated. That day, we shared not only our promise and our blood, but we also shared a body and a mind. We became one with each other, we shared feelings and thoughts that I never imagined myself dividing with anyone. And that day, when our bodies were harshly separated and we returned to be Goten and Trunks, was the first time I ever felt the truly meaning of loss and longing. I blame the blood pact, but I know the fusion deepened it in some unimaginable way, giving it even more power. I don't think I can be complete again without him near me – not in the way I was when we were together, when he touched me –, but now that he is not by my side anymore to alleviate this desperation one more time, I feel it constantly, and I have no idea of how or when – even if – I'll soothe this away.