Prologue
When you leave,
weary of me,
without a word I shall gently let you go."
- Kim Sowal
May 18, 2012
"Hey G-man, the song's over," said Emily.
Derek shrugged and held Emily a little tighter. JJ and Will's wedding had been beautiful, but it was marred by the fact that he knew Emily was leaving. Derek whispered in Emily's ear, "As long as I'm holding you, you can't disappear."
Emily lifted her head from his shoulder and looked him in the eye. "I'm not going to disappear from your life, Derek," she said softly. In her head she thought, I only want to disappear from mine.
Derek released his hold on Emily. "How about a drink and a walk around the garden?"
Emily nodded, biting her lip nervously as he poured them each a glass of wine. She wasn't sure she wanted to follow him. She'd held up her end of a promise she'd made to him eight months previously; she had promised him she would never leave again without talking to him first. Emily needed this, the hardest goodbye, to be over so she could get on with things.
She had spent an emotionally exhausting fourteen months trying to leave Lauren Reynolds in her past. When she was in Paris, it was impossible. Doyle was still alive, her friends thought she was dead and aside from very occasional contact with JJ, she had absolutely no one. She spent a wretched six months either being out and looking over her shoulder constantly to make sure the monster from her past wasn't following her, or staying holed up in one small hotel room after the other, steeping in the mess she'd made of her life. Neither scenario provided an emotional sanctuary for healing and moving on.
When she returned, when Doyle was dead and Declan was safe and she was back with her family at the BAU, she thought she would feel monumentally better. She didn't. She went to therapy and lied to the therapist, she threw herself into her friend's issues and was emotionally available to them, she devoted herself to her work. Emily knew that in order to find footing in her life and get back on track, she needed be emotionally available to herself, but that seemed an insurmountable task around the team. The feeling that had been building inside her for weeks and came bubbling to the surface that day was that she would have to leave if she ever hoped to truly put herself back together.
Derek turned to hand Emily her glass of wine, and gave her a sad, small smile. He gently put one hand on her back and guided her down the garden path. When they were well away from the group, he started talking.
"I'm trying to grow a garden. At one of the houses I'm renovating. Usually I just put in simple landscape after the inside is done, then sell. But I decided I wanted to make the backyard of this one house really special. I renovate houses to use my muscles and take out aggression after a particularly rough case. This garden thing is cathartic. I'm learning that being gentle and making things grow can erase the pain of a case as much as knocking down walls. It's just different. Calmer. It makes me feel peaceful."
He stopped and turned to look at Emily, who faced him and raised her eyebrows, not quite sure what to say. They'd worked hard to rebuild their friendship after she returned from Paris, but there had been few deep or meaningful conversations. Before Emily could formulate a response, Derek grasped her free hand, linking their fingers, closed his eyes briefly and then continued.
"I've been trying to learn how to cook and I'm not half bad at it." He smiled at her and she smiled back, remembering some disastrous evenings of Derek's cooking concoctions from the past.
Derek took a deep breath and dropped his voice to a whisper, laden with emotion. "When I thought you were dead, I would take a picnic blanket, a couple of beers and a book to your gravesite. I'd open a beer for each of us and I'd read to you." Derek took in a shuddering breath and smiled at her, "Good, nerdy books."
Emily smiled at him through tears. Derek took the wine glass from her hand and placed both of their glasses on the bench next to them. He wrapped her in a hug and whispered, "My heart broke the night I thought I'd lost you. When you came back, we agreed that you needed to emotionally heal and I needed to learn to forgive you, and that we would work on rebuilding our friendship. Neither one of us did a very good job, did we?"
Emily shook her head against his shoulder. "I purposely gave time to everyone but myself because I couldn't face the things I needed to face," she said.
"And I kept you at a distance. I know you need to go to London. I understand, Em. I just don't want one of the reasons you're leaving to be because I've kept a wall around me since you came back."
Emily pulled her head away from Derek's shoulder and gently placed her hands on his chest. "I love you, you know that. I'm so sorry I hurt you like I did. I'm sorry I hurt everyone when I took off after Doyle. I think I have to forgive myself for that in order to move forward and figure out who I am now, but I can't do that when I'm looking every day at the faces of the people I hurt."
Emily moved her hands up and gently cupped his face. "You're not the reason I'm leaving, but I don't think it would be good for either of us in the long run if you were the reason I stayed right now."
A lone tear slowly made its way down Derek's face and Emily gently wiped it. He leaned in and brushed his lips against hers, chaste and feather light, but loving at the same time. "When you find what you're looking for, I hope you come back. I'll be here."
Derek released her, handed her back her glass of wine and gently squeezed her fingers before walking away, back to the party.
Ten days later, Emily left for London.