Well, one of my TV stations is playing Friends from the very beginning every night at 7:30, and I've become so dangerously (re) obsessed that I just had to write a fanfiction about it! I apologize greatly if not everyone is in character, or if the jokes are a little poor, because how could anyone ever be as funny as the original writers? This is only my second time writing a Friends fan fiction, and the first where the must be some element of humour to it.
Anyway! This story is set approximately two years after the series finale; Emma is four, Jack and Erica are two, and Phoebe and Mike have twins named Aubrey and Frankie, about a year old. The 'gang' comes down to visit Chandler and Monica for a weekend, in what is supposed to be a visit spent catching up and just getting to see each other. However, when a horrible event leads to the disappearance of Emma, it's going to take a lot more than a weekend of relaxtion to find her.
Disclaimer: It is, or should be, blatantly obvious to everyone reading this, that I have absolutely nothing to do with Friends. All credit goes to the stunning creators of this show, I'm just like that little demented girl that plays with her friend's Barbies because her parent's are too poor to buy her ones. So, enjoy!
Emma had been watching Rachel for what, to a four year old girl, felt like nine hours, but had really only been ten minutes, when she finally decided enough was enough and a Mommy could only sleep for so long. At first, she tried being gentle and quiet.
"Mommy," she whispered into Rachel's ear. "Hey, Mommy." She then tried tugging on Rachel's shirt sleeve. "Oh, Mommy. Hey, wake up."
After a few minutes of this, Emma lost all sense of trying to be good, and instead hurled her tiny body on top of Rachel's. "HEY, MOMMY!"
Rachel's eyes opened immediately, wide and startled. "Emma?"
"Yes, Mommy?" Emma batted her long eyelashes.
"Sweetheart, do you have any idea what time it is?"
Emma stared at the clock. "Hm. Well. No, I do not because you see I am just four and Mrs. Liotta only teaches us how to make Play Doh elephants, and not how to tell time."
"It's seven thirty. On a Saturday."
"I brought something to warm you up," Emma flashed Rachel a smile and held up a finger. "One moment." She dashed to the bedroom door and then came back, carrying a bowl of.. something.
"Em, honey? What is that?"
"Oh, Mommy. I mixed Snicker's bird food, some Frosted Flakes, a pinch of sugar and Halloween candy from last year that Daddy wouldn't let me eat. I hope you like it, because it took me about three years to make it and I messed it up once so there is a little bit of an accident in the kitchen. Good thing Auntie Monica's not visitin'," Emma giggled.
Rachel smiled. "Well you know what? I think I'm going to put this in the garbage, but why don't we make pancakes and then we can watch some cartoons until Daddy gets home."
"Daddy's been gone forever."
"Only two days."
"Well it feels like forever."
"I know. He has a very important conference in New Jersey-"
"Mommy," Emma crinkled her eyebrows. "Daddy works with dinosaurs. How important can his conference be?"
Rachel hid her smile as she yawned, taking Emma's hand as they walked downstairs together, recalling all the taunts that had been thrown in the direction of Ross about his job. "Heeeey, Mommy? You said we were going to make the pancakes?"
"Sure! Who says we can't make pancakes? We can put little chocolate chips in them."
Emma tried a smile. "Mommy? Just sayin'. Last time we tried to make pancakes, 'member we almost burnt the kitchen down?"
"Em, Em.. you're right. So instead we will have cereal with bananas on top, okay?"
Emma winked and showed Rachel her thumb. "Sounds good to me."
Then, the two of them put on an old Elvis CD that Ross refused to get rid of, and danced around the kitchen to Blue Suede Shoes, You Ain't Nothin' But a Houndog and Jailhouse Rock, before they collapsed onto the couch, Rachel holding a mug of coffee and a glass bowl of cereal, Emma carefully balancing a Barbie cup of orange juice and her plastic Clifford cereal bowl.
They ended up falling asleep, half an hour later, watching infomercials, because neither of them could be bothered to find the remote, which was constantly being lost and then found, weeks later, in the crevices of the couch or in Snicker's water bowl.
Emma's head rolled over onto Rachel's shoulder, Rachel's hand holding Emma's. They slept like that for two hours and they both had happy dreams.
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"Daddy," Chandler said, slowly and deliberately.
Jack smiled. "Mommy," he jabbed Chandler in the forehead.
"Daddy," Chandler tried once more. He pointed into the kitchen, where Monica was consoling a sobbing Erica, who had just fallen down the stairs. "There's Mommy. I'm Daddy."
"Mommy," Jack said, pointing to Monica, "Mommy," he giggled in Chandler's face.
"Dear god Monica," Chandler called. "Jack is doomed. He is doomed to live my life."
"M-Mommy," Erica wailed into Monica's shoulder.
"I know sweetheart. Look, Mommy will kiss it better," Monica bent down and kissed all around the scrape on Erica's knee. "Better?"
Erica shrugged and allowed Monica to pick her up from the counter and bring her into the kitchen. Erica stuck her thumb into her mouth and nestled her head into Monica's shoulder. "Poor baby," Monica smiled over top of Erica's head, kissing her head of blond curls.
"Trade?" Chandler asked.
"Chandler," Monica said, as she handed Erica over to him, "they're not things. They're our little babies, aren't you?" Jack laughed, Erica scrambling into Chandler's lap.
"Erica knows who I am, don't you? Daddy."
Erica looked up at Chandler, her eyes wide and serious. She gave him a toothy grin before saying, in a tinkling voice that Monica was convinced would one day end up in theatres, "Mommy."
"Monica, do I look womanly to you?"
Monica considered this, bouncing Jack on her lap.
"Hey! Took waay too long to respond there, Mon."
Monica rolled her eyes, before settling into Chandler. "This is nice," Monica said lazily. Jack stuck Monica's finger into his mouth, sucking on it happily.
"Oh, Jack," Monica removed her finger. "Yuck. No eating fingers. So. When are we having everyone over?"
"Everyone as in.. everyone?"
"Yeah."
"Mon, honey. Our house isn't that big."
"Sure it is."
"Are you dillusional? Let's count, shall we? Rachel, Ross, Emma, Phoebe, Mike, Frankie, Aubrey, Joey and.. well Joey. Nine people, plus us four. Fourteen!"
"Chandler."
"What?"
"Thirteen! Nine plus four is thirteen."
"Hey. Focus. Thirteen people in our house. It is going to explode, there will be an eruption of people."
"Oh, Chandler. It's been so long since we've seen everyone."
"Not that long."
"Nearly two months is longer than I've ever gone in eleven years without seeing Rachel. It's long enough for me. Please, it would mean so much. Just for the weekend. For me?"
"It doesn't really matter what I say anyway, does it?"
Monica clapped Chandler on the shoulder. "There's the spirit!"
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"Phoebe, we are not taking the cab, okay? We can't."
"Mike, we take the cab all the time! The cab is where Aubrey and Frankie were-"
"Okay," Mike held up his hands. "Got it. But we're going to Westchester. The cab is.. it's great for doing.. that in but for driving in? Not so much?"
"I use it all the time!"
"Yeah, but when was the last time Aubrey or Frankie were in the cab?"
"Yesterday! I took for a little joy ride!"
"A little joy ride? What are they, babies or drug addicts?"
"Mike," Phoebe put her hand on his wrist. "I promise I'll drive slowly and at least try to avoid pedestrians."
"And?"
"There's more! My god man, what is this!"
"You have to swear you won't pick up any hitchikers."
"One time! And you won't let it go."
"He ended up being wanted for eight counts of fraud!" Mike turned up the volume on the baby monitor for a minute and then turned it down when all he could hear was deep, even breathing.
"He was a nice man."
"He tried to steal two hundred dollars from you."
"Oh Mike," Phoebe shook her head patiently. "Don't you remember him teling me-"
"Pheebs. I don't care what that man told you. He was not going to adopt any kind of Ethiopian orphan or save an endangered whale."
Phoebe coughed, muttering as she did so, "Non believer."
"Anyway, we'll take the car, okay? And then we get home you can drive the cab around the block as often as you like, but I don't trust that it will make it to Westchester, okay?"
"Fiiiine." Phoebe crossed her legs. "I believe I deserve some kind of reward for being so agreeable, wouldn't you say?"
"Ah, that is where you are wrong. You see, my dear, your last reward turned into the two things sleeping upstairs."
"Damn it. There's always that."
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"Goodbye, Duck Junior," Joey stuck out his hand and shook the duck's wing. "Now, Michelle said she would feed you, okay? But she's a kid, right, so if you run into any trouble, you are going to call this number," Joey held up a Post-It note, with Monica and Chandler's phone number on it, followed by Joey's cell number. "Or," Joey showed Duck Junior the phone, "you can dial 911. Like this," Joey punched in the three digits. "Shit!" Joey hung up, realizing what he had done. "Hey listen, buddy if a bunch of men wearing yellow coats come to the door, hide, alright?"
Joey patted the duck's head, before grabbing his bag and leaving the apartment, waving a final farewell to the duck. "Hey, Joey!" Michelle, the twelve year old girl that moved into Monica and Chandler's old apartment with her mother, stepped out into the hall.
"Hey."
"Listen, about D.J.-"
"His name is Duck Junior."
"I know," Michelle sighed, "D.J stands for Duck Junior. Anyway, you said I have to feed him three times a day?"
Joey nodded. "Well, like, what if I just put a whole bunch of food in his bowl, enough so that he can be fed three times?"
"No, he's greedy, he'll just eat the whole thing."
"Fiine. So, what'd we say forty dollars for the whole weekend?"
"Sure," Joey said. "Listen, Michelle, I have to go, but take care of him okay? Make sure you play with him a lot, he gets lonely easily."
"He's a duck, Joey. He's supposed to be living outside, obviously he gets lonely. Anyway, have fun in Westchester. See ya later."
"See you," Joey nodded and then set out to wait for Mike and Phoebe to come pick him up.
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"I love this song," Emma bounced up and down in her seat. "Love it. It is my favorite song."
"Emma," Rachel massaged her temples, "sweetheart, I know you love this song. But do you think maybe we could shut off the CD just for a little while."
"Daddy, you like it right! Uncle Joey made me the CD and he is basically like your best friend, right?"
"What was Joey thinking?" Ross drummed his fingers on the steering wheel. "What kind of person fills up an entire CD with one song? One song. That isn't normal."
"Head, shoulders, knees and toes," Emma sang out. She waved frantically at an SUV that was trying to overtake their car.
"Em, do you want to read a story, maybe? Daddy brought lots of good books, let's see we have.. Ross. Why the hell did you pack The Anatomy of a Dinosaur, Fun With the Fabrosaurus and All About the Anatotian; The Lesser Known Dino!"
"Rach, language," Ross sung out.
"Daddy," Emma said, in the exact same sing-song voice, "boring books!" She giggled and then lurched forward in her seat to plant a kiss on top of Ross' head. "I'm just kidding, Daddy. Well, your books are super boring, but I still love you."
"Thank you sweetie. See, Emma likes the books."
"Hey, Daddy I didn't say I liked the books, I said I loved you. Hugenormous difference there."
"Anyway, I don't care about the books. I'm just excited to see Aubrey and Frankie. And also Erica and Jack, but Aubrey and Frankie have cooler names."
"Okay, well," Rachel dug around in the Dora backpack Emma had brought and pulled out a juicebox and some animal crackers. "Food for the lady?"
Emma laughed. "Oh, Mommy. You're nuts. 'Tween you and Daddy you guys are lucky I'm not a fruitcake."
"Oh, I wouldn't say you're not a fruitcake. You're the fruitiest of them all," Rachel broke an animal cracker in half and handed it to Emma.
"Mommy," Emma's mouth dropped open. "You just killed the elephant."
"Honey, it's not real, it's just a cracker."
"Aunt Phoebe says that all animals have rights," Emma nodded seriously. "But also, she is a nymphomaniac, so I guess we-"
"What? She's a what?" Ross swerved the wheel, narrowly missing another car.
"Oh, Daddy. Uncle Joey told me he broke up with his girlfriend, you know the really pretty one, Lucy? Because she was nymphomaniac, and so I asked him what it meant and then he said it means you're nuts about animals. Like Aunt Phoebe."
"Just don't tell Aunt Phoebe that, okay?"
"Oh sure. My lips are sealed," Emma pretended to zip her lips shut and then threw an imaginary key out the window. For the rest of the car ride, she refused to say a word.
"Well," Ross said to Rachel, "at least we won't have to hear Head and Shoulders anymore."
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"Chandler! Chandler, would you get in here please!"
"Mon, little busy!"
"What can you possibly be doing?"
"Oh, I don't know. A little something Dr. Phil might call parenting. Jack is trying to eat Erica's foot."
"What is it with him and trying to eat people's body parts? Do you think Erica had a relative that like, sucked on people's noses or something?"
"Ah yes," Chandler nodded. "She confessed she did have an uncle, Dracula! The bastard passed on his horrible genes to our children."
"Chandler, bring the kids, I need you to see if the lightbulbs have any dust on them."
"Why?" Chandler lowered his voice and screwed up his face, turning to the twins. "Why is Mommy so insane?" He scooped one baby into each arm, before going into the kitchen. "Yup, Mon, lightbulbs look good."
"Chandler! You only looked for like, a second. Actually look. Should I dust some more, or do you think they look okay?"
"Monica, I think you should swallow the lightbulb whole, like the man from Ripley's Believe It Or Not, allow your intestines to clean it properly, and then regurgitate it. We'll make a load of money, and you discover a natural way to clean the lights."
Monica threw her dust-covered cloth on top of Chandler's head. "Hey, kids look!" He deposited the twins into the ground and then proceded to dance through the kitchen, around the breakfast bar and past the fridge.
"God, stop. I'm having flashbacks of your scarf dance," Monica cried, covering her eyes.
"Hey. That was a sexy dance. You said you loved that dance!"
Erica looked up at Chandler. "Mommy sexy," she said.
"Chandler! Our children are speaking-"
"I know," Chandler smiled fondly. "The language of porn. Isn't it beautiful. Erica, sweetie, no. No sexy. Don't say that word, okay? Bad."
"Hey!" Monica jumped down from the ladder she had been standing on. "You hear that? I hear a car! Oh my god! Chandler, look at my hair, I have dust everywhere, I'm not even dressed!" Monica grabbed Erica from the floor.
"Sexy," Erica said, playing with a piece of Monica's hair.
"Oh honey, not now, please not now. Just gurgle, okay? Say cute things."
"Mon," Chandler followed Monica with Jack in his arms. "They're your best friends. Who cares what your hair looks like."
"Baha, I do!"
Monica kneed the door open and came face to face with Rachel and Ross, who was carrying a sleeping Emma. Monica had always hated those girls that squealed all the time, but she found herself handing Erica off to Ross ("Yeah, don't mind me, I'm only your brother and nevermind the fact I'm carrying my daughter") and, with an earsplitting scream, throwing herself into Rachel's arms.
"My god," the two of them jumped around like eight year olds, evidently loud enough to wake up Emma.
"'Scuse me. Tryin' to sleep. Hey Aunt Monica," Emma kissed Monica''s cheek. "You look pretty," she scrambled down from Ross' arms.
"And that is why you're my favorite niece."
"Hello?" Phoebe, who had appeared out of the cab with Mike, all but shoved Frankie into Monica's arms. "Ring a bell?"
"Oh, Pheebs," Monica hugged Phoebe tightly, kissing Frankie's nose, as Rachel went over to hug Chandler.
"Oh my god," she exclaimed. "Jack is so big now! Yes you are, you're such a big boy!"
"Sexy!" He proclaimed.
"Ah, that's my boy," Rachel laughed.
Joey burst through the door. "Sorry I'm late you guys, there was a problem with Duck Junior. I think he's really going to miss me."
"Joey! Great to see you too."
"Ohh, everyone's here," Monica smiled. "All six of us. Feels like it's been forever."
"You guys found a good place to get coffee yet?" Ross said, half jokingly.
"No Ross, it's been two years and we're still going to Starbucks. Yes we found a good place. Not really the same without Gunther, though."
"What are we, fried liver?"
"Joe, not so sure you can fry liver."
"Sure you can!" Joey nodded. "You can fry anything!" He stuck his hand out towards Aubrey. "I could fry him if I wanted! Don't worry guys," Joey turned to Mike, "I won't, I don't think he'd fit in the pan. Just saying, anything's fryable."
"You guys want to unpack?"
"Mon, we're here for two days," Rachel said.
"Well just.. take off your coats?"
"Noo, Momy. I want to go to the park!" Emma exclaimed.
"Emma, we just got here," Rachel took Emma's coat. "We're not going to the park right now."
"Oh, Mommy, please! Aunt Monica, you said on the phone we would go to the park, because the park in Westchester is waaay better than the parks in the city, right?"
"Of course I did, sweetie. How about we just have a little bit of a rest, maybe have a snack, and then we can go to the park?" Monica offered.
"Well, alright. Sounds like a deal."