Written on July 20, 2008.
The Student Council meeting room is as peaceful as ever. The sun is shining brightly from above as it hit the windows just right, giving me enough light so I don't have to turn on the light switch to see my paperwork upon this table. I allow the pen that I'm writing with glide flawlessly upon the blank sheet of paper, keeping my thoughts organized when it came to this particular event that Milly wanted to hold. However, I suddenly made a mistake upon the piece of paper and it causes me to crumble it into a ball and place it right in front of me to show that I have wasted yet another valuable thing in life.
I noticed that as the paper balls increased before my eyes that my thoughts were distracted from a particular memory. I believe it was the only event that changed us – both Suzaku and I – dramatically. I have killed Euphemia Li Britannia; my half sister and my first love. I remember that day vividly and it continues to haunt me to this very day. I'm very good at not feeling any emotion that come my way. I tend to block them from my heart hence why I believe that you should always rid of your emotions if they get in your way.
But there are times when someone such as myself tend to break down without being aware of it.
As I stare upon the many crumbled paper balls before me, I see the many people that I have sacrificed to get to where I am now. One of those faces belongs to Euphemia. I hear my pen drop from my hand as the paper balls begin to form facial expressions; angry ones as they scowl and glare towards my direction. I feel my breathing stop as I stared down upon these lives that I have taken away deliberately. The once inanimate paper balls now come to life before my eyes as I see bloodied hands coming towards my way. I don't make a move to run. I don't make a move to even call out to whoever may be passing by this room. I just sit there knowing that I must be hallucinating in some way, yet I deserve what these deceased people are willing to throw at me.
Suddenly, I felt a gentle hand upon my shoulder as everything returned to normal. No more did the bloodied hands reached out to me. No more did the deceased glared and scowled at my direction. No more am I hallucinating as my emotions are now ignored by my very own heart. I raise my gaze away from the table as I look up to my savior, but once I caught a glimpse of him, anger began to surge through me. I place on my best smile as he did the same.
"You didn't seem to have heard me when I greeted you so I thought I'd come and check up on you." I see him looking over my shoulder, seeing the blank piece of paper before him along with the paper balls right in front of it. A chuckle escaped from his lips as he directed his emerald gaze at me once more.
"Seems like you didn't get much done alone." He commented as I noticed that he was grabbing something out of his school bag that he was carrying in his grasp. There was a manila colored folder that he had retrieved as he settled it right on top of the pure white sheet of paper. I scrutinized the blank surface for a brief moment before looking at him for an explanation.
"Everything is there for the event so you don't have to stress about it." He simply replied as he closed his bag once more. The silence was becoming much more awkward than I thought. Maybe it's just me, but even our acting cannot mask the tension that we bring whenever we're around each other.
"Thank you, Suzaku." I softly responded as I opened the folder, pretending to go through the contents to give me a reason to not look up at the person that had betrayed our friendship.
"Don't mention it, Lelouch. We're friends, aren't we?" I seized my movements after hearing those words. It must have been obvious that I had reacted since my hands weren't keeping themselves busy with the paperwork before me. Those words I had said to him when he had called my mobile phone. I was in the Gawain with C.C that time. I remember the conversation. I remember how he told me that I shouldn't look at the sky and he also told me about how he hated someone enough to want to kill them. I remember those words because they were directed towards me; the sole reason why he felt such hate to begin with.
I turned my head to face his as I smiled. "Ever since eight years ago. Always." Those were his very own words except the eight was replaced by a seven. Yes, it's been a year since that incident occurred. It's been a year since he betrayed me, but we're going through life as if nothing had happened. That is because my very own father possessed a Geass that can erase and replace memories in a heartbeat. Suzaku and my father did this to me. I will never forgive them for ever allowing me to forget about Nunnally, my mother, and my life that I had structured ever so carefully. I will never forgive them for this. Never.
"Alright, then. I guess I'll see you around." Suzaku finally said as he raised a hand, waving it towards me. I did the same as I watched him walk out the door with that façade he wore when he was around me. Finally, I was alone as I faced the manila colored folder once more. I shoved the folder into my own book bag as I grabbed the paper balls afterwards. Walking towards the garbage bin, I dropped them all inside of it, disposing the lives that I had taken away in this path I had drawn for myself.
Grabbing my book bag from the seat I was previously in, I made my way towards the door as I noticed that I had left something behind; the one blank sheet of paper and my ball-point pen. I turned at my heel as I returned to my seat and that's when I realized that there was black ink all over the white paper. Carefully, I carry the once usable pen and the once pure paper to the garbage bin and I hesitate to drop it in.
My soul was once pure like this. My soul was once something that can never be tainted, but ever since that day my mother died and when Nunnally lost her ability to walk along with her eyes, everything changed within me. Yes, I became a different person in a matter of seconds. I looked down upon the tainted paper as I finally dropped it inside of the bin.
Once this is all over, I will dispose of myself as well because someone like me doesn't deserve to see a peaceful world to begin with.