A/N: This is not fluffy or funny. It's probably not even good honestly. I've just been needing to let my feelings out and this is what happened. I'm gutted by the events of Skins Fire as is everyone. I will stand by what I've said in EN though. Fuck them. Naomily is ours and they can't take them back from us. Hope you find some peace of mind in my words.
Disclaimer: I don't own Skins, but I own my own version of what it is and what it means. Naomily included.
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Close your eyes
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She ends up calling her one night, because she's afraid for the first time. Sure, everything's been terrifying in itself so far, the machines, the doctors, the nurses, all the pity looks everyone keeps throwing her. Everything is fucked and everything is scary and new and she hates every second of it. But despite it all, she's been confident. She's 22 for fuck's sake, no one dies at 22 from cancer, right?
But then that one night, she starts puking. It's not exactly new, but it's not exactly old either. She's just started Cisplatin and it's a side effect, so she figures it's okay, but when she can't even breathe from vomiting so much and when her eyes start tearing up at the effort, she starts to worry. It's a few nights later when vomiting is common and she gets more and more tired afterwards that Naomi realises that she's not invincible.
And that's when she calls Emily.
She grabs her mobile between her thin fingers and stares. When did she get so fucking skinny? She's never been fat, of course, not even slightly overweight thanks to her great metabolism, but this is something else. She feels fragile in a way she's never felt before, a way she never even imagined she'd feel. She closes her eyes for a second, letting a sigh escape her dry lips and tears fall down her cheeks slowly.
How is she even supposed to say this? How do you tell the woman you love that you're dying? Fuck that how do you even say that shit out loud?
I'm dying
It sounds wrong even in her head. Naomi knows it'll be worse in her mouth.
She can't keep skirting around this though, can she? She is dying. It's like she can feel it in her very fibre.
She opens her eyes and presses her speed dial.
Of course, Emily answers on the second ring. Emily never really makes her wait.
"Hey you" the other girl purrs into the phone.
Naomi almost starts sobbing right then. She can't fucking do this, she can't fucking say this.
"Babe?" she hears Emily ask after a moment, her voice a bit worried. "Are you okay?"
Naomi starts crying this time. It's silent, though. She's not ready yet for Emily to know. Fuck, she'll never be ready to hurt her, she thinks. So she breathes heavily but tries not to outright sob into the phone. There's an eerie silence on the other end of the line now and Naomi knows instantly that her beautiful girlfriend is bracing herself. God, she's such a fucking force of nature, her Emily. You don't break forces of nature. Maybe that's the problem, in the end, Naomi knows she will.
She finally opens her mouth to speak and just answers Emily's question with one word.
"No"
;;
Emily is there the next day. Naomi doesn't even know how she does it, but she does. When she gets into her flat, she launches herself at Naomi and holds her for all she's worth. Her eyes are bloodshot and her cheeks are stained with dried tears. It takes half a second before Emily is crying against her shoulder. Naomi just holds her there and kisses the side of her head and smells her hair.
It's uncanny because it's the best yet worst she's ever felt. She feels awful because her Emily is hurting so much and it's all her fault… again. But then she feels so fucking wonderful because she's actually there, because she's holding her in her arms and when she thinks about it, Naomi thinks Emily doesn't belong anywhere else.
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The first few days aren't too bad. Naomi isn't feeling great, but she can still function, sort of. They kiss more than they should, but no one actually tells them to stop. They've earned it.
Effy doesn't bother them much, honestly, she's not even at home much. Naomi wishes she was. She's not sure if she's mad at the girl or not. She can't imagine how she'd react if it was Effy in her place. She knows she'd be fucking heart broken about it and the thought almost makes her glad she's the one with fucking cancer. Almost.
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It's two weeks later that things take a turn for the worse. She's feeling so weak that she just can't do it anymore. She can't walk around the flat or joke around with Emily. She can't do the dishes or the laundry- not that she did those much according to Effy. She can't think of new comedy content and it takes her all the energy she has to go to the bathroom unassisted.
It's when she can't properly kiss Emily anymore that they decide to go to the hospital. Emily calls Gina then. Naomi feels almost guilty she didn't do it sooner, but her mother was in Ireland and she just didn't have the energy to call her, to tell her.
It doesn't take a day for Gina to arrive and when she does, she's smiling. She sits down on the side of Naomi's bed, looking fucking serene. She's wearing some beige tunic that looks like a cross between pyjamas and a cassock, her arms are covered in bangles and she smells like herbs and tea.
If it was any other time, Naomi would roll her eyes and scoff and ask the woman if it was possible for her to look any more like a hippy. It's not any other time though, so the brunette smiles brightly at her mum.
Gina reaches a hand to caress her forehead and Naomi is suddenly 5 years old. She closes her eyes and just lets her mother lull her to sleep with her gentle brushes.
It works like a charm.
;;
The more time goes by and the more it's evident she's not gonna make it. Her doctors are starting to talk about 'accommodating' her and all she can think about is how close that sounds to giving up. At this point, she barely even cares anymore though because her body is in so much pain these days. Moving has never been such a fucking ordeal. She feels nauseous all the time, her lips are chapped and dry and she feels so fucking ugly.
Old friends come to see her from time to time, but they have so much pity in their eyes, she can't stand it. Emily does her best to smile and appear brave, but she looks like fucking hell on feet and every night she stays over, Naomi can hear her cry herself to sleep. Still, it feels so nice having her there, she wouldn't have it any other way. It's not always bad though. Some days are better than others. Some days, Emily even crawls into bed with her and the nurses let her. Then they can just chat lightly and be and those are the best days, really.
;;
She barely speaks anymore these days. It takes so much effort and it's so painful, that she doesn't bother talking much. She makes an effort that night though.
Emily has gone home for a bit and Effy is sitting with her. The brunette has been talking to her for over half an hour about work, about some bullshit she barely understands, let alone care. Effy doesn't seem to notice though and just carries on. She's not even looking at Naomi, for fuck's sake, and it's obvious she's upset. It's so unlike Effy to be this talkative to begin with, so she just interrupts her.
"What the fuck are you doing?" she says weakly.
She's afraid for a minute that her friend will make her repeat, but she doesn't. She stops talking instead and looks at her knuckles. Naomi doesn't have the strength to keep questioning her so she doesn't bother. Eventually, Effy answers though.
"I'm coping" she says quietly, her voice wobbling.
"Nice" Naomi whispers with a painful chuckle.
She regrets it when it makes her when to vomit.
"Nothing is nice, you're fucking dying" Effy spits out.
"Cheers" she replies, closing her eyes.
She hears her friend sigh and she waits.
"I don't know what to do" Effy admits after a while.
"Nothing" Naomi says softly. "Just stay here"
A long silence follows and Naomi starts to fall asleep. The last thing she feels though is a hand grabbing hers. She reckons she's smiling that night when sleeps engulfs her.
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At one point, Katie comes to visit. She hears her before she sees her and that's so typically Katie that if she wasn't so bloody tired, she'd laugh out loud. Emily meets her twin just outside her door and Naomi hears the ruffling of clothes that probably means a tight hug.
"How are you feeling?" Katies whispers, but Naomi can still hear her.
"Like I can't breathe" Emily replies, her voice heavy and shaking.
There's more ruffling of clothes and Naomi hears her girlfriend start crying. She closes her eyes and tries to block the sound out. If there was anything she could do to stop dying she would. It's not even that she's afraid of it anymore, but she's so fucking worried about Emily, so fucking shattered over abandoning her. She can't stand the idea of her Emily having to move on from this. Fuck, she knows she'd never be able to move on, she can't imagine that Emily will have to.
She's brought out of her thoughts by heels on the linoleum floor. She opens her eyes and sees Katie standing in front of her. Emily has probably stepped outside to compose herself because she's not with her.
Katie grabs a chair and brings it next to Naomi. They look at each other for a beat until Katie gives the brunette a once over and raises an eyebrow.
"A floral hospital gown? Seriously, Campbell, did you like ask for it especially? You look like shit"
"It's quite trendy nowadays" Naomi replies as she starts laughing.
"You wouldn't know what the fucking trends were even if they smacked you in the face" Katie scoffs.
Naomi laughs louder and winces. Her chest just can't take it.
"Jesus, Katie… You're killing me" she mumbles.
There's a moment of silence where they both say nothing.
"Well… faster than I already am" Naomi decides to add.
Katie snorts and it sounds like a laugh and a sob at the same time. When Naomi looks at her, she can see tears on her cheeks.
"I did warn you I'd kill you if you broke my sister's heart again" the no-so-fierce twin teases.
The brunette smiles.
"I'm fucking glad you're here" she admits and Katie beams through her thick tears.
"Yeah, me too. I love you, you know? Don't ever repeat it, but like… you're one fucking decent girl"
Katie starts properly crying then and Naomi is almost glad.
"I won't tell" she promises. "I love you too"
;;
It feels like months later when Naomi can just tell she's not got long left. It can't be more than a few weeks though. She's alone with Emily in her room, Gina having gone home to sleep some time earlier. Breathing has become the hardest thing and Naomi just knows then.
Emily is reading something in a corner and all of sudden, she's too far.
"Ems…" Naomi whispers.
Her girlfriend stands up immediately and is by her side the next second.
"What is it babe?" she asks.
Naomi moves her hand to pat the space in bed next to her and immediately Emily gets the message. The next second, she's taken off her shoes and is laying in bed next to Naomi. She doesn't hold her too tight though, because she knows it hurts too much.
"Remember the time we fucked on that beach in Goa?" Naomi asks softly and Emily chuckles.
"Which time?" she asks teasingly, making Naomi smile.
"The first time" she answers more seriously.
"Of course babe. I remember everything with you"
Naomi smiles even more.
"Well, during that night, you know we'd just fallen asleep by the beach, too fucking lazy to walk back to the hotel" she starts to retell, her voice barely audible.
It's taking her so much energy to do this, but she needs to.
"I woke up at one point and you were sleeping and I just thought… I just thought I'd never have enough of one lifetime to do all the things I wanted to do with you" Naomi continues, feeling her throat squeeze now.
It's so fucking hard to talk but she has to continue.
"If I'd known then that I wouldn't even get the one, I'd have fucking married you already"
Emily chuckles, but it's more like a sob. Naomi can feel hot tears falling on her shoulder and she can feel Emily shaking next to her.
"I'm so sorry" Naomi mutters.
"Don't apologise" Emily tells her, placing a very delicate kiss on her cheek.
"D'you regret it?" she asks. "If you'd known… would you have let me go?"
"No" her girlfriend tells her forcefully. "Never, Naoms. Don't fucking say that. I could never regret. You make me so happy"
"Okay…" Naomi says simply.
Emily starts crying again and the brunette lets her. She tries to move her head to kiss her girlfriend's hair, but she can't. Emily feels her trying though and moves so that their lips connect delicately. Somehow, Naomi can already tell this will be the last kiss they ever share.
"I'd have taken the one lifetime, you know?" she tells her girlfriend.
Emily nods and beams at her through her tears. There's so much love and adoration in her eyes, it's brightening up the whole room.
"I would have never left you" she continues.
Emily nods again and Naomi knows that she knows. Still, it feels good to say it. She sighs heavily, then. God she's tired. So fucking tired.
"Baby…" Emily whispers, brushing her fingers ever so delicately, on her forehead. "Just close your eyes. Take some rest"
"I don't think I'll open them again if I close them" Naomi says, straining to keep them open, to keep them on the love of her life.
Fresh tears cloud Emily's vision, but she smiles nonetheless and nods.
"It's okay…" She whispers.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. Just close your eyes"
"I can't" Naomi whimpers. "I miss you already"
Emily hiccups and sniffles, but she keeps smiling.
"I'm not going anywhere" she assures.
"No, but I am" Naomi reminds her.
"You're not going anywhere I won't follow one day" Emily says.
Naomi smiles.
"I like that"
"Couldn't be any other way, babe"
"How so?"
"Because we're Naomi and Emily. I go where you go and wherever that is, I'll love you"
"I'll love you too, you know?" Naomi states.
She doesn't think she's ever been more certain of anything in her entire life.
"I know" Emily whispers.
They stay silent for a bit and Naomi just keeps looking at her girlfriend. She feels like she's mapping out all the features she cherishes so much.
"Close your eyes Naoms. It's going to be okay" Emily tells her with more confidence than she's had in weeks.
"Is it?"
"Yes"
"How can you be so sure?"
"Because this is not really the end. Nothing will ever end us"
"Not even this?" Naomi inquires, curiously.
"No not even this"
Naomi frowns just a little and Emily smiles.
"Just close your eyes" she repeats softly.
Naomi nods almost imperceptibly, but of course Emily sees it. She shuffles a bit closer in a way that Naomi's head is laying on her chest and all she can smells around herself is Emily's scent. She smiles to herself, because it's rather perfect.
"Are you gonna stay with me?" Naomi asks.
"Yes" Emily confirms and Naomi finally just lets it go.
She closes her eyes and lets it all go.