A/N Okay, so I've been working on like 5 different Deadpool fics because plot bunnies keep breeding in my head, but I finally forced myself to work on one of them long enough to get a chapter out! Anyway I hope you enjoy!
P.S. Wasn't Deadpool 2 one of the best films ever made? It's top 3 for me (right behind Iron Man 1 and Zootopia).
After Rustle had been saved from turning evil and the balding pedophile had been summarily (and bloodily) dealt with, the awesome group of saviors had chatted for a little while and then gone their separate ways, Domino making sure all the kids—including the pyromancer—were being well taken care of, and then Wade invited Cable out for drinks.
Reason for that being because he wanted to ask if the future dude would like to move in with him when Wade got a new place to stay—reason for that being because there was no way he was bunking with the X-Losers any longer than necessary, and it probably wasn't a good idea for the cyborg to be doing that at all considering he was kind of one of their future kids, or the future kid of one of their clones or some other bullshit—and he should probably have a little foreplay before blurting that out; he had one shot at this and he didn't want to scare the guy off.
At the bar:
"Hey, want to move in with me?" Wade asks .2 seconds after they get their drinks. Shit.
"Sure." Cable replies, grabbing his appletini and taking a swig.
"Wait what, just like that?"
Cable pauses and eyes him from the side assessingly for a couple seconds before asking "What are your thoughts on mind-reading?"
"Uh... it's a dick move and a total invasion of privacy; only assholes pull that shit." Wade said and pulled a drag from his Sex on the Beach.
Cable then appears to be deep in contemplation, seeming to stare right into Wade's very soul for about 10 seconds before going back to his drink. "Okay."
"'Okay' what?"
"Okay, I'll move in with you."
Fuck yeah! "Kay cool." Wade tried to downplay his excitement at having the cyborg for a roomie.
Wade bought a new house and moved in the very next day (turns out killing for a living can pay extremely well), having stayed at a motel with Cable overnight. Wade did not pass up the opportunity to make a lot of lewd jokes, his favorite being the one where he said to the person at the front desk that he was the bimbo and Cable was the old wealthy businessman (which would've been a lot more convincing had he brought his blonde wig), and Cable—to his credit—didn't really seem to mind, just fell asleep the second he had his guns (his many, many guns [and how the hell did he even have that many? Did he bring a wheelbarrow full of the stuff Back From The Future tm with him or something?]) in order and hit the floor. Who even sleeps on the floor? That bed had plenty room for both of them! Maybe it was a future thing.
Wade had tried to lift him up onto the bed so the guy could sleep like a normal sane person, but it turns out that all that metal shit on him made Cable extremely heavy, so Wade just dumped all the blankets on the floor and rolled Cable over onto them, then snuggled up beside him and took a selfie before falling asleep too. But not until after sending Domino the picture along with the text #PostCoitalSnuggles.
It was probably a good thing Wade woke up first, otherwise he might've had to pay a cleaning surcharge from the blood stain that would no doubt exist from him being stabbed in the torso by a disgruntled Cable. Luckily though, he was still dead to the world by the time Wade decided to get on with his day, the poor old cyborg probably being exhausted from all the happenings of yesterday.
Deciding the poor silver fox deserved as much sleep as he could get, Wade went about calling up a furnishing company to fill the new house he just bought so he wouldn't have to deal with all the indecision of what kind of color theme to go with; he just told them "Surprise me!" And hung up.
Which kind of ruined his plan of letting the time traveler awaken of his own accord since Wade's shout roused the guy from his slumber, who sat up then clutched at his head and groaned.
"Good morning, Sleeping Beauty~"
"What time is it?" Cable asked as he began to inspect his surroundings, noticing the nest of blankets he didn't remember being in last night, then looking over at the bed and squinting as he probably came to the conclusion from its state that it had not been slept it, which would probably bring him to the conclusion that Wade must've-
"Breakfast time! Whatcha in the mood for- oh wait; have you ever had McDonald's breakfast?"
At Cable's look of confusion and raise of a single eyebrow, he practically started vibrating. "Oh my holy unicorn goddess, you have not lived until you have gorged on enough of it to make you vomit twice in one sitting. Now c'mon, let's go!"
"No." Cable threw the blanket off his lap.
"What? Why the actual hell not?" Wade cried as Cable stood and started heading towards the bathroom.
"I need to brush my teeth first."
"What the hell? When did you even get a toothbrush? I didn't see any tweets about a cyborg cosplayer paying a visit to a Walgreens in the last 17 hours." And I would know; I get notifications.
"Brought it with me." Cable said around a mouthful of toothpaste. And when did he get that? Wait- oh god, was he one of those weirdos who actually followed the recommended health suggestion things like brush your teeth twice a day, take regular showers, eat your veggies, and don't gargle bleach? Next thing you knew he'd be pulling out-
Just then Wade heard the unmistakable sound of a length of floss being removed from its hand-dandy dispenser, then felt his legs moving towards the white light emanating from the small, tiled room and he poked his head inside to witness the horror with his own eyeballs once he was close enough to grip the doorjamb in a white-knuckled grasp.
Mickey D's turned out to be less of a spectacle than Mr. Cancer had been expecting. When Cable actually bit into the monstrosity (McSausage biscuit with egg, cheese, ketchup and an assload of syrup, topped off with salt and pepper, and a couple creamers dumped into it for good measure) Wade'd handed him and didn't even wince, instead mulling the taste over and saying "Not bad." Wade actually felt kind of bad because even he thought that thing he'd given him was disgusting. So before Cable could take a second bite (which the crazy old-timer had actually gone for!) Wade snatched it out of his hands and dumped it in the nearest trash can.
"What did you do that for?" Cable asked in a way that made it seem as if he was wondering if this was some sort of weird custom of the past he didn't know about.
"Made it wrong." Is all Wade offered as he slid the deluxe platter with pre-syrupified pancakes over to the poor, iron-tastebudded bastard.
Cable raised an eyebrow in response, but didn't question it, electing to instead take a bite of the new food presented to him, and the second said food touched his tongue his eyes widened in shock, and a small gasp that made something stutter in Wade's chest (indigestion? Of the upper torso? Yeah, that's what Wade was going with) escaped his lips. "What is this?" He said as he looked up at Wade with only mostly concealed disbelief.
After being stunned for a couple seconds at that look, Wade shook the dust bunnies out of their little dust bunny houses inside his head and managed to respond with "Well, judging by your BMI, Mr. 2%, something you've probably never had before: pancakes."
Cable grunted a thoughtful hmm, as if committing the name to memory, then went back to eating his platter.
What kind of stuff did the cyborg have to shove down his throat in the future that he had such a reaction to something as simple as McDonald's pancakes? Granted they are kind of fucking delicious, but not that fucking delicious. Who knew, maybe deep-fried raccoon asshole on a stick was considered a delicacy there, so this just seemed like mother Teresa fucking ambrosia.
By the time Wade dug himself out of the mire his train of thought had plunged itself into, he noticed that Cable had finished the entirety of the platter in a timely manner, Wade having barely touched his, too deep in thought (and wasn't that an odd thing to say) to have made much progress. Dude must've been hungry. Come to think of it, Wade can't remember having seen the time-slider eat since they started working together yesterday, which could help explain why he'd been so exhausted. Because of Wade's healing powers, he didn't need to eat (sure as hell liked to though), but he should've at least asked the guy who saved his life if he was hungry. Now he kind of felt like an asshole.
"Want mine, Kirby?" Wade asks as he slides a platter across the table for a second time.
"Why?" Cable asks when he looks up from inspecting a napkin. Wait, do they not have napkins in the future? #SoManyQuestions.
"Because I just remembered that I'm not hungry, and it's just going to go to waste otherwise. You don't want me to be adding to the already vast and constantly growing landfills, do you? Kinda thought you stayed here to fix those kinds of things, not exacerbate them."
Cable squints at him slightly and raises a brow, probably wondering how Wade even knew that word (I pursue the dictionary every now and then, thank you very much), before pushing his now empty platter to the side and pulling the new one closer.
Wade pulls out his phone and snaps a quick pic (he always had it on silent just in case he got any random mystery shopping gigs where he had to secretly tattle a store's sloppy displays) of Cable with his fork half-way to his mouth, before downloading an app he never thought he'd need. Then he sent the pic with the caption 'Eating junk with the boo' to Domino since she had replied to his last text with 'pics or it didn't happen.', before going back to the app which had now finished downloading. After a couple minutes of setting it up and making use of it, he switches to Emoji Blitz and almost gets a new high score for the week by the time Cable has managed to finish off his second entire McDeluxe McBreakfast McPlatter and the milk he thought the muscle-bound tank would appreciate.
Just then he hears "Order number 68!" and looks down to see that it matches the number on his mobile order.
"Ah shit, so ducking close! One number off!" Wade nearly shouts (frustrated he didn't get the fun number) before looking over at Cable in time to see him stuffing the napkins and utensils into his utility bag *cough* fanny pack *cough* before slinging it back out of his way. What does he think this is, Fallout? "What use could you possibly have for those? You planning on stabbing someone with that plastic tined eating thingy?"
"Maybe." Cable replies mysteriously, looking like Wade just gave him a new idea.
Okay, Wade could totally understand the murder 'bot stashing anything that could possibly be used as a weapon, but the napkins? Wasn't that something only millennials did? Le gasp! Was Cable like, a HyperMillennial or something, since he's from the future?
"Order number 68!"
"Alright alright, I'm coming~" Geez, they don't even give you 5 minutes to respond. Kinda like me with texting. He grabs the trash off the table and tosses it into a can on the way to the counter without looking, Cable following right behind him. "At least it was conveniently well-timed." He says before snatching it off the 'order pickup' station and heading towards the exit.
"Is that for someone else?" Cable asks, rightly confused.
"Nope, it's for me." Wade says before pulling out the hashbrown and digging in.
"But you said you weren't hungry."
"I lied, I'm starving." He says as he shoves a whole pancake into his mouth, then opens the syrup and drinks some.
Cable just stares at him for several seconds, looking like he's trying real hard to resist something (strangling him, maybe?) before giving up.
"...Thanks for the pancakes." He grunts out instead.
Wade paused mid-stride, and it was then that he vowed to one day take the robo-babe from the future to IHOP. "Eh, no skin off my dick." He said around a mouth so full of food that it would make a chipmunk jealous, some of which fell out and hit the concrete, Cable stepping away from it with a mildly disgusted look on his face.
When they walk back the single block distance it is from McDonald's to their hotel (thank you convenient yet diabolical mega-conglomerate franchise) Wade has finished shoving all the food down his throat, and offers the napkins and utensils he didn't even bother with to Cable, who just squints at him. Wade shrugs and pockets them himself. Monkey see, monkey do. Before tossing the bag of trash in a nearby trash can.
Turns out chugging a whole golden arch logo'd cup full of orange juice #Activated the cancerous one's blatter, so the second they made it up to their room he raced for the bathroom. When he came out he was just in time to see Cable finish massaging his temples while sitting on the edge of the bed.
"What?" Cable asks almost threateningly when he catches Wade staring.
Hmm, he couldn't have been doing it in a show of annoyance because Wade only caught sight of it by chance, so maybe the grizzly old robo-dude had to acclimate to past food and its deliciousness or something. Or maybe his mind was still buffering, trying to process the new, superior flavors (he's still talking McDonald's here, right?). Or perhaps the guy just needed some air. That one was the most convenient option, so that's what Wade was going with! And he had the perfect idea.
A/N Yes, I know I made a mistake 2 words into the very first chapter, but I am also going to leave it like that because I think it's hilarious. XP