In the second before you open your mouth, your heart feels like lead, and you would do anything to avoid this.
"Ban?"
Silence.
"Ban?"
Ban gives out a long sigh, and a slow plume of smoke followed by, "What now, Ginji? It's been a long day."
"Ban, you know, it's strange. I always know I could die, but-"
He rustles my hair. "Ginji. Quit being stupid. I won't let you die."
"Ban." I take a slow breath, and start over. "It hurt, lying there. It hurt a lot more than I thought it would. I always know I could die at any point, but that was so unexpected. I saw you, but I couldn't say anything. I thought I was going to die and I couldn't say anything."
"Ginji, you've got a skull of rock. You weren't in any danger." He gives a soft punch, brushing my hair. Ban's affection is always a rough thing. It still makes me grin, but I can't stop, no matter how easy it would be. I won't tell him that I could still see his face. For once, he forgot to hide behind his glasses and his grin. He'd feel embarrassed if he knew how transparent he was, with all his pride in never showing his feelings.
"Ban, in Mugenjou death was close, and everyone knew it. I forgot, coming out here, that death never goes far. And I thought, if it mattered, that I'd have time. But I didn't. I was lucky this time, but what about next time? So. Well."
"Ginji, get to the point." Tired, grumpy voice. Poor Ban. It has been a long day.
"Well. Eh. Um. Ban. I love you."
Silence.
"Well, of course you-"
"No. I mean, I really love you. Not because we're partners, or Get Backers. I love you. Like Shido loves Madoka, or Kadsuki loves Juubei. I love you. I have for a long time. I used to be afraid you'd leave me if I told, I guess I still am. So I waited. But I can't anymore, because I don't want to die without saying it. So even if you leave me, you know. Just so long as you know, it'll be ok." It's almost funny. You'd think after saying all that, I'd feel free, relieved. A heart light as a feather, instead of lead. But somehow it feels even worse than before. If I could pause this second forever, I'd do it in a flash. Eternally waiting, but never hearing the words. Sticks and stones may break bones, but words can break your soul.
"You...but....uh…Ginji, I…but, I'm a guy. I mean, just because you don't have any experience with girls and stuff doesn't mean you love me like that." Huh. I didn't know he could sound flustered. It almost makes me want to laugh.
"What? I'm not a virgin, you know. I haven't been for a very long time. I was what, 7 or 8 the first time? MakubeX once said something once, that kids start early in bad environments. And Mugenjou was pretty much the worst. And then I was the leader of the VOLTS. I got more than a few trying to seduce me so they could get better food, more protection or to say they'd done it with me or something. After a while I figured out why, so I stopped. I couldn't let them use the VOLTS like that. It wasn't right."
"Oh. But…"
"Not all of them were girls, Ban. I never cared that much about that sort of thing. It never seemed very important. Not in comparison to everything else, at least."