~*Author's Note and Disclaimer*~
The characters belong to Stephenie Meyer, I'm just doing my own thing.
This is the first of many random one-shots and out-takes based in the Love in the Mirror Room universe.
I know this isn't what most people had in mind when they asked for a continuation, but I just could not get this out of my head.
A warm hand enveloped mine. I tipped my head and my eyes fell on our laced fingers. Our skin matched, now. It was the same perfect ivory. I knew that our eyes matched as well, warm shades of brilliant gold. As I watched, he shifted his hand so that his thumb was brushing over my wrist. Where my pulse once thrived.
"I can't get over it." The words were barely a whisper, but I heard them. "You were so... alive. I loved to listen to your heartbeat."
The urge to defend myself rattled through my brain; he sounded so disdainful. "I'm still the same old Bella," I insisted.
If you had asked me a week before that day whether I thought I'd be sitting with Edward, calmly discussing my status as a vampire, I would have laughed, cried on the inside, and walked away.
Yet there we were. Edward. Vampire Bella. Sitting on the mossy ground a few miles from the cabin that had become my home, the home I shared with James.
I really was the same old Bella... with a few changes.
His scoff echoed in my ears. Apparently Edward wasn't buying it either.
"I mean, except for the obvious." Like the fact that my physical features had changed enough that I would never feel embarrassed standing next to a vampire ever again, even if Edward's beauty was still almost painful in its intensity.
His thumb kept rubbing against my wrist. Searching for a pulse that no one would ever hear or feel again.
"You're not the same." There, again. The sadness. But it wasn't like before; this sadness was more poignant, more intense, more, more, more.
I won't pretend that I understood it.
Not at the time, anyways.
He moved our hands towards his ear, pressing his ear to the spot he'd been rubbing.
What-
Oh, god.
He's listening.
I gently pulled my arm away, or tried to anyways. His long fingers remained wrapped around my skin, holding me to his ear so he could search for that phantom pulse. The tiny voice in the back of my head wanted to be mad, wanted to be furious that he couldn't accept me for what I was.
That voice was drowned out by the overwhelming feeling of grief. Of heartbreak. He couldn't accept that I'd made that change. I was no longer the Bella he knew, in his mind.
"It's still me," I ventured, my voice so low that human ears would not have caught it.
A strangled sound crawled from his throat. In the slowest of movements, he started sliding his ear down my arm. Then across my clavicle. Finally, his head came to rest against my chest, my wrist still shackled by his grasp.
This time there was no lag as my brain processed what he was doing. It was perfectly clear from the moment his ear came to a rest.
He was listening for my heart.
After a few moments, his shoulders shook.
Once.
A few seconds passed.
Another shake.
Is he...?
Edward's body was wracked with tremors as he huddled against my body, his head pressed to my chest.
Vampires may not be able to shed tears, but Edward Cullen was definitely sobbing in my arms.
Silent, gut-wrenching, tearless sobs that shook his shoulders violently.
The sobs of someone mourning.
The sobs of someone who has lost the love of their life.
He's grieving for me all over again.
Maybe it was the added quickness of my vampire mind, or maybe it was just my instincts where Edward was concerned. However it happened, I realized something in that moment.
He's not grieving me all over again. This is for the first time.
His Bella is dead.
He's finally ready to give her up.
I wanted to cry with him, to shed real tears for this loss. I wanted to scream, and shatter things, and just create chaos that mirrored the chaos in my mind at that moment. My chest was absolutely consumed by heartache on his behalf.
I couldn't fix it.
The only thing left to do was be his friend. Support him. Mourn the loss of human Bella with him.
I wrapped my arms around his shaking form, using my free hand to rub the back of his neck.
"It'll be okay," I murmured. Empty words.
Empty promises were all I had to offer him, at that moment.
"It's never going to be the same." His voice was rougher than I'd ever heard it. It almost sounded as if he really had been crying. "I lost you forever."
It's never going to be the same.
It never would be the same. This wasn't a sudden change, however. Things had been changing for awhile now. It had been years since the day James kidnapped me.
My fingertips ran through the bronze mop of hair still cradled against my chest as I thought about what he'd said.
"You knew this was going to happen."
"That doesn't make it any easier. My Bella is dead. She's gone, forever. I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye." The words got progressively quieter while the ache in my chest grew progressively stronger.
"Do you want to have a funeral?" The words were out of my mouth before I got the chance to even think it over.
Bella, are you crazy?
"Could we?"
I almost missed it. That's how quiet his voice was. He sounded tired, like he wanted to crawl into bed for a month and just sleep until the pain felt just a bit duller. But of course, he couldn't sleep. He couldn't escape this for even half an hour.
He wanted to have a funeral for me.
No, not for me. For his Bella.
I was going to help him make it happen.
I was going to plan my own funeral.
"You're what?"
"Planning my funeral."
"I don't like this one bit." James was pacing around the small living room in our cabin. His tension set my nerves on edge. I wanted to hug him, kiss him, reassure him that this was okay.
This wasn't about James, though.
And I could understand why he didn't think it was okay.
I walked towards him, smoothing my hands across the bunched muscles of his back. "Calm down," I murmured. "Please don't be upset with me for this. He needs me, James. I have to help him."
He was currently sitting on the stairs outside the cabin, presumably doing his best to give us our privacy. I could practically see him, impeccably dressed, fingers fisted in his unruly bronze hair, eyes pressed shut as if that would help him ignore both the conversation going on behind him and the grief tearing through his chest.
"Bella, don't you realize how fucked up this is? You're not dead! You're right here! Just because he's finally accepting that you would rather be with me doesn't mean you're obligated to throw some creepy pseudo-wake."
Oh, honey. You always did have a way with words, I thought, lips twitching as I tried to stop myself from smiling.
I twirled around to the other side of his body so that I could look him in the eyes. A deep, yearning burgundy. He hadn't gone hunting earlier when he said he was. Ever since he'd turned me, that same unfailing instinctual drive that helped him track had also been tuned to keep me safe and by his side. An ache throbbed in my chest as I realized that my run-in with Edward had obliterated all thought of hunting from James' mind to the point that his instincts brought him running home.
I cradled his face in both of my hands as I stood on tiptoe to kiss him gently.
"Give me this, James. Go hunting for the day. He'll need time after this. You don't have to welcome him into our lives yet."
Yet.
I knew that one day Edward would be a large part of my life again. Alice had told me so time and again. Even if she hadn't, I would know. I knew from the instinctual way my body reached for him, not on a lusty level, but as if he were the gravitational pull, the grounding force in my life. I knew from the calm I felt when I was around him. I knew from the fact that every time I imagined my future, Edward was always there in some manner.
James must have seen the distance in my eyes as my thoughts centered on Edward, because I had only a split second to register the flash of anger in his eyes before his lips crashed into mine. I surrendered to the possessive force of his mouth, stroking his jaw delicately. I could give him this moment of reassurance because I was asking him to give me much, much more.
"I'll be back in 24 hours, Bella. He needs to be gone by then. I'm not ready for this." His forehead rested against mine, our lips separated by not more than a millimeter.
"Thank you."
One smooth step backwards and then we were both heading for the door. I watched as James stepped onto the porch, nodding politely at Edward. To say it was tense would have been the understatement of my very long lifetime. I remembered suddenly that the last time these two had interacted had been a rather intense fight over me, when I was still with Edward. James still had scars where the venom had seared his skin.
In the time it would have taken human Bella to blink, James disappeared, running off into the woods.
I love you. You are so much better than I have ever deserved. I will make this up to you, I swear.
"I'm sorry you had to ask him, Bella. We never should have decided to do this." Edward's lilting tones broke through my thoughts.
My head jerked to face him, displeasure twisting my lips.
"Don't say that. You need this. It's the least I can do."
It was his turn to look annoyed.
At least it added a little variety to the usual expression of grief with a side of sorrow and a dash of heartbreak.
"I don't want you to feel like this is your duty. Never mind. I'll just leave."
He turned to leave but I grabbed his wrist, effectively stopping his departure.
"I don't feel obligated, Edward. I want to do this."
It took a moment, but finally he started to relax. Eventually, his skull tipped in an almost imperceptible nod.
"Alright, that's settled then. I'm going to help you. So, what do you know about funerals?"
"This is the spot."
"What? Are you serious? How is this tree and this view any different than the last thousand trees we've climbed and views we've seen?" I squinted as I peered around, unable to see what made it so special. Granted, it was beautiful, breath-taking really, but so the other ones had been just as breath-taking.
"I'm not really positive how to best explain it. Would you understand if I said 'it just is'?" His expression was twisted in the manner that made it clear that he didn't appreciate being at a loss for words. Then his eyes shifted to the view in front of us, and the grimace disappeared just as if it had never been there in the first place. He looked serene instead of grief-stricken.
If looking out there can do that, then he's right. This is the spot.
It just is.
"Okay," I murmured softly, squeezing his shoulder gently in support. "This is where we'll have the funeral."
It's easy to have a funeral wherever you want to when there isn't a body.
Well, there is a body. I'm just in it.
Edward threw another book across the room. It hit the door to the cabin with a loud 'thwack' before falling to the ground. I couldn't help but glare in his direction as I picked up my book, smoothing the pages out as I shifted my gaze to eye the little nick he'd created in the wood.
There was a frustrated groan and when I looked at Edward again, his hands were rubbing his face.
"Still can't find it?" I asked, hopping up to resume my perch on the windowsill.
"There has to be a perfect quote to read for her. You love literature."
He had been slipping between 'she' and 'you,' past and present all day. I don't even think he noticed.
His eyes met mine, pleading. "Please tell me."
Hands raised innocently as I shook my head. "No way. You're the one talking. You need to find it."
Plus, doesn't asking the dearly departed what they'd like to have read at their funeral count as cheating?
I grinned at the thought before I could stop myself. Golden eyes narrowed before focusing on yet another book. We had been here for hours while Edward read each and every one of my many books, searching for the perfect quote. His vampire speed only helped somewhat, as he wanted to "read and savor each word, in case it is the one." I simply watched, enthralled by the sight of Edward hunched over my books in the home I shared with James, his eyes intent on the book in his lap as his long fingers turned the pages.
Three books later my patience snapped. "Look, maybe you don't need a quote. Wouldn't simple be better? Keep things short and sweet? If I were you, I'd just speak from my heart."
At the mention of his heart, his fingers rubbed anxiously over his chest bone. It was an action I'd seen more times than I could count throughout our hours together planning the funeral. It seemed like it had become a habit of sorts. I couldn't make sense of it.
"Why do you keep doing that?" I blurted.
Way to fail, Brain-Mouth filter.
Edward froze, eyes falling to his own hand as if he hadn't realized he was doing it. A second passed, and then another, with only silence filling the cozy front room of my home. Finally he cleared his throat and began to speak.
"My heart hurts sometimes. It's really quite excruciating. I do that because it makes me think that I can ease the pain."
Oh, god. I shouldn't have asked.
"I'm sorry."
He flinched at my words then jumped up, heading for the door. "Come on," he said, his voice a bit too loud, "there is more to do."
"What do you mean you're busy?" Edward demanded, his grasp tightening on the little phone he held to his ear.
"I promised Jasper that I'd spend all day with him. He's very needy today," Alice's little voice chirped from the other end of the line.
"This is important, Alice. There should be more than two people there. It's not a conventional funeral, but we needs mourners regardless."
"Edward, don't be ridiculous. I'm not going to go to a funeral as a mourner when I'm not mourning for her!" She sounded exasperated now. The conversation had already lasted longer than I expected it to.
"Why can't you just do this for me?" he pleaded.
A pause. Then a heavy sigh. "You two need to do this. You'll be fine. Bye, now. Hi Bella! Bye Bella!"
I barely managed to say 'bye' before Edward mashed the end button and shoved the phone into his pocket.
"Looks like it's just you and me for the funeral," he mumbled, eyes focused on the dirt beneath his shoes.
"We'll be fine. Alice said so. A wise person once told me never to bet against Alice."
Piano-player fingers rubbed against the front of his chest, trying to ease the pain. In a flash my hand shot out, lacing our fingers as I pulled his hand down from his chest.
"I think it's time, Edward. Let's go."
I could hear the wind roaring in my ears but it felt more like a caress against my vampire skin as we perched at the top of the tree. The green leafy tops of the shorter trees seemed to roll away from us at the same time they quivered with some sort of pent-up energy. Or maybe that was just me projecting. I knew felt like I was going to jump out of my skin. James had called this a creepy pseudo-wake, and at that moment I was inclined to agree with him.
It really was beautiful, though. The sun was setting in the distance, creating a soft palate of rose, violet, and navy hues in the expanse above us while the trees around and below made their own palate of muted greens and earthy browns. Giant clouds rolled through the sky, the harbingers of a steady, sad drizzle.
It was breath-taking and quiet, the entire forest quiet and appropriately somber.
Perfect for our little, very unconventional funeral.
Edward had yet to speak since we'd ascended to the top of the tree we selected hours before. My fingers tightened over his hand, offering my silent encouragement.
Say goodbye.
I'm here for you.
My eyes slid over to his face. He was turned so that I could only see his profile-- the strong slope of his nose, the fullness of his lips. His eyebrows were drawn together as he peered out into the distance.
Go on, I urged silently, my thumb rubbing over his knuckles.
Finally, he started to speak, still looking into the distance. He wasn't speaking to me, not really. He was speaking to the love he thought he'd lost.
"Bella, I have always loved you and I will always love you. You were all the best parts of me, with none of my monstrosity, my self-loathing, my cowardice. You were the brightest part of my long life, and I will always carry the memories of our time together with me, every moment of every day."
There was a pause. Then his hand squeezed mine back. Telling me it would all be okay.
"I never planned on living for very long after your heart stopped beating. I had it all planned out-- I knew precisely how I would end my life. The more I think about it, the more I realize that you would not want me to give up. You would want me to keep going.
"I am going to live my life in your memory, Isabella. With the help of my friends," here he squeezed my hand again, "and my family."
"Goodbye, Bella. I love you so much."
"Goodbye, Bella," I whispered, my voice a weak imitation of his melodic timbre. The words echoed through my mind, really sinking in after a moment. Both Edward and I really had lost that Bella. The human Bella. The Bella that thought Edward was all that had or would ever matter in the world. The Bella that knew nothing of being a monster. The Bella that knew nothing of caring for herself, that sacrificed everything to keep those she loved happy. I had ceased to be that Bella the moment I started making decisions for my own benefit. The transformation to vampirism only cemented the change.
I did not regret the change, not in the slightest. Regardless, the funeral suddenly seemed very appropriate and incredibly necessary.
Perhaps now we would both be able to properly move onto that next phase in our lives. Without human Bella haunting our every thought.
Goodbye.
I hope you enjoyed my strange little one-shot. Look for more, as well as a new story, in the coming months. :)