Poor, Poor Severus

That was not James Potter's child. Not by a long shot. It was most definitively Lilly's, no one else had those green, green eyes that could bore into your very soul. Fuck legilimency, Lilly's eyes were far more effective at reading a person.

Those cheeks, that hair, that insufferable smirk, that gods-damned swagger. That was the spawn of Sirius Black. And not the child Sirius Black, no. It was as if the child was channeling the young man that Sirius Black became.

Already he had a veritable harem amongst the first year females, all twittering and giggling at him. The boys in the first year already wished to be Harry Potter. The way he commanded attention and made you like him! Severus could already feel his animosity slipping away!

James Potter may have provided the sperm to make the child, but without a doubt he was his godfather's child. Severus could only imagine the sheer horror that would have been brought to Hogwarts if the boy had actually been influenced by that damned mutt.

Somewhere on a dark and scary isle full of fear and terror, a half-starved man froze. He began sniffing the air around him. His guards, the human ones, watched in awe and, well, the newbie just wet himself.

"Dog-father senses tingling," the man mumbled, suddenly clutching his head, "Dog-son is BEING AWESOME!"

Sirius gave his guards a thumbs up and blindingly white smile. The guards just passed out on the ground.

"Huh," the newly revealed dog-father looked down at them, "that's never happened before."

Sirius looked around and ran a hand through his matted hair.

"Where's a gong when you need it?"

The Sorting Hat just broke into snickers as it called out "SLYTHERIN!"

Harry tore the hat off and did a little victory dance.

"Yes, the way to greatness here I come! Potter's Party Parlour will exist!"

A/N: This is a Silly and Sexy Story Prompt. Harry is sorted into Slytherin, his great ambition? Be the ultimate party host. Parties full of fun and debauchery. To establish the greatest Gentleman's (and Ladies) Club to ever exist. Go Go Dancers in cages are a must.

Sirius has to eventually escape Azkaban and be reunited (being cleared in a situation that involves Amelia Bones, a rubber chicken, a bath-tub, and Amelia acting like a school-girl with a crush when it comes to Sirius) with Harry in a suitably dog-fatherish way. The gong thing and dog-father senses must be incorperated. A series of gongs exist, getting bigger the more awesome Harry is currently being.

Ron tries over and over again to bully Harry only to fail miserably. Severus ultimately fails at hating the boy as he amuses Severus far too much. Dumbledore fails at turning Harry into a Good little Hero, as Harry overcomes the challenges set forth in hilarious, strangely S&M, ways. And the power he knows not? Lust/Love based magic powered by the sheer awesome sexy parties.

Essentially Harry is a celebrity with a high CHA score. Booze and coke and all sorts of nightlife problems that don't seem to be a problem. Kinda like Charlie Sheen. Harry's heart pumps tiger's blood and he's bi-winning.

The quote that inspired all of this? 'I may be bad, but I'm perfectly good at it.'

Sirius is the Dog-father and a Black for a Reason!

No blurb for this one but its a story of Harry ending up in a situation similar to Sirius.'

Voldemort is a lot less terroristy but still does terrorist type things occasionally, most of his moves are political through his servants. So James and Lily are still alive. And instead of Just Harry, there are twins of which the older is Harry. After the birth of these twins, Voldemort picks up on the terrorist type activities and is ultimately not a big part of Harry's story, it still should be periphrial.

Harry ends up in Slytherin. Harry, as he is sorted, dreads this. He argues with the Sorting Hat, but is still sorted in to the House of Serpents. In a moment of terribad parenting James sends his oldest a howler. And Harry gets no mail from his mother (another moment of terribad parenting). Surprisingly Draco is supportive of Harry. Sirius writes Harry after hearing that he got sorted into Slytherin, telling him not to worry and it's not all bad and things like that. Sirius also goes and confronts James and Lily. Cue explosive fight, and Sirius and James no longer being best friends and more akin to enemies. It culminates in James saying something along the lines of 'you want him so bad you can have him.' Lily is again strangely quiet.

Sirius does indeed take Harry and adopts him. This starts a domino effect of Sirius getting pulled back into the Black family, and becoming a part of Black Politics. Orion and Regulus are alive for at least the first year and the summer into second. And for lulsy moments, Sirius and Harry have to dodge Walburga (and Narcissa) trying to marry them off. To increasingly hot and sexy women from all across Europe. Start with the scum at the bottom of the barrel, and work your way up to the hottest of the hot.

Insert bulk of story.

Harry wins and triumphs over Voldemort in a strange twist of mundane events (like Harry gets out of a rousing good party and drunkenly crashes into Voldemort, driving forwards and backwards a few times as he then drives off because the hot drunken woman in his passenger seat gets naked). So serious undertones the whole way, which allows for dramatic conflict, but Sirius overtones allow for hilarity the entire time.