Silence
Hello everybody! This is my 9th story, well the 9th I post and the 10th I've wrote. Last year I wrote a story (Learning how to live) about Hotch dealing with the first year since Haley died, this story is about the second year and who knows maybe I'll write other next year.
Hope you like it and you're not too tired of this stories, but I personally don't think is something Hotch would get over so easily so soon, and it's a great source of inspiration for me, (as bad as that must sound)
By the way, this is set after season 7 premiere, meaning Emily and JJ are already back, but you already know that, right? ;)
Disclaimer: I own nothing yet but you know what they say "Hope Dies Last."
Illuminated by the dim lights, Hotch sat on the couch of his office with a glass of scotch in his hand. He had loosened the red tie he was wearing and undid the first buttons of his shirt while his suit jacket rested on the back of his chair.
It was late night and he knew he should go home, but he couldn't do it just yet, he felt the need to hide away even if it was just for a couple of hours.
The last week had been... challenging, for lack of a better word.
Precisely six days ago, was Haley's anniversary. Two years from the day she died.
He had taken a few days off to spend them with Jack. The boy had deal with everything much better than the year before and was very excited to go back to school sooner that his father had thought. Kids seemed to heal quicker than grown-ups, probably because kids feel more the love than the pain, an ability Hotch wish he had.
His desire of run away from everyone around started the morning he left Jack at school. As he walked Jack at the entry, he came across some of the other parents he had met. Some of them just smiled at them and said "Hi" as they passed. Others would stop and said something like "It's good to see you back." While Jack would smile nicely at them, Hotch would only say a polite and rather cold "Thank you" and keep walking. Even Jack's teacher, who was at the door receiving the kids, was treated with the same apathetic response when she said "Glad to see you're doing alright!"
Hotch tried not to be rude and appreciated their concerned but it was hard when all he saw in their looks was pity.
Why do they think it helps? He wondered.
When he arrived to the office he had hope for everyone to act the same, given the year they had, he expected something like this not to have so much importance for them. He was wrong.
The first one was Rossi. His old friend showed up at his office with a "Good Morning." followed by "How you been?"
"Fine. Thanks." was his dry answer and moved to matters about the office and cases they handled the time he was gone, never giving Rossi the chance to return to his initial question.
When Rossi was about to leave he asked again. "Are you sure everything is alright?"
"Everything is fine." Hotch responded with his look at the papers on his desk. Rossi left knowing there's no point in insisting.
Why would a date in the calendar make any difference? He asked himself. She'll be gone the next month too, and the next and the next and the next...
/
It got worse after, when they were presenting the new case. Four women had been killed at the north of Delaware. Two of them were blond with hazel eyes and facials features that made them resemblance to Haley. It's not the first time a victim looks like her, but for the rest of the team it seemed something very important at the moment. They looked at him trying not to seem so obvious that they were expecting some kind of reaction from him. Of course, they didn't get one.
Why would a case remind me Haley is death? He thought. How could I ever forget?
/
Morgan stopped him before he left to his office at the end of the meeting and waited for the rest to leave to speak. "We would understand if you want to stay for this case. Rossi and I can handle it." He offered.
"Why would I want that?" Hotch asked with a fake calm. If there's something that bothers him more than pity it's when his ability to do his job is questioned.
Morgan looked at him and his perfectly stoic face and knew, just like Rossi, it was pointless. "For nothing. Never mind." He said with a resigned sigh and then walked out the room.
Why do they suppose I'd break down any moment? He question as he too left the room. Can't they notice I already am broken?
/
Garcia and Reid never said anything directly to him, but when he entered at the room the Delaware Police had provided them, he overheard Reid talking with Garcia on the phone.
"... You know Hotch always pretends he's ok, I'm not sure I believe him either..." was the young genius answered to Garcia.
"Is that Garcia?" Hotch interrupted him. Reid nodded ashamed and hung up. Hotch then asked about what Garcia had found and Reid started telling him. The first acting as if he hasn't heard and the later acting as if he believed him.
Why they say I'm pretending? He drearily thought. Why don't they see I'm trying?
/
"Are you ok?" Hotch heard Prentiss asked as he witnesses the people in the other room. A woman, blonde and with hazel eyes, who lived to see her husband and daughter once again. Who got the chance to hug them and kiss them and tell them she loves them for another day.
As she didn't get an answer, Prentiss decided to push a little more, optimistic that the scene before them would help him to open up. "I know these last days had been hard on you..."
"Everyday is hard." He spoke in a whisper, cutting her off and then walked away.
Don't they realize I miss her all the time?
/
It was already dark when they came back and with very few people left in the bullpen. He confined right away in his office, closing the door and blinds as a sign he didn't want to be disturb. The noise from outside dwindled as the hours passed until it became completely quiet.
Silence and solitude. Exactly what he needed. Away from the looks of concern and pity. Away from the questions about his wellbeing that had no simple or right answers.
A knock on the door startled him from his thoughts and before he could ask who it was, a petite blond woman peered out from behind the door.
JJ waited for the approval from Hotch to come in, only a polite gesture since she had no intention to leave. Hotch just stared at her for a moment before he stood up and took another glass in the cabinet. JJ closed the door behind her and sat on the other end of the couch, accepting the glass with amber liquid Hotch had offered her.
Soon after, started raining and for several minutes the only sound was the rain dropping against the window, with the occasional clash of ice cubes against the glass when one of them took a taste from their drink.
JJ brought the glass up to her lips again, feeling the burn down on her throat, scotch wasn't really her thing but she decided it would be for tonight.
"Thank you." Hotch spoke out of the blue with a soothing voice. "For not saying anything… For not asking how I am."
She could see the way the corner of his lips curled up for an instant and responded with a small smile of her own. "Anytime."
None of them spoke after, letting the confortable silence between them taking over one more time.
"The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing... not healing, not curing... that is a friend who cares."Henri Nouwen.
The quote I choose at the end does not mean I think the rest of the team are not good friends, it just that JJ understood better what Hotch needed that particular moment. :)