It never occurred to me why I was here in the first place. It was a 'before-you-know-it' type of feeling. Still, I didn't fail to notice that I was deteriorating day by day.
"It's snowing"
I glance beside me to see a pair of sapphire eyes entranced by the sight of pure white. This person is Kudo Shinichi, the only one who could see me for some reasons unknown to both him and me.
"Maybe tomorrow I'll take Genta, Ayumi and Mitsuhiko out to play. Winter break is about to begin after all" He says, a smile blooming on his face.
Shinichi is a weird person. He is inclined to lying in the most unnecessary situations. He cares for everyone as much as they do him but did his best to hide it as eloquently as possible. I haven't figured out why aside from the small clue involving something that happened 2 years before I met him. It seems to be the point of time when Shinichi suddenly changed dramatically.
"Maybe I should go to L.A. Mom and dad is there after all. They did always bother to ask me if I wanted to come with them."
It was spoken carelessly but this surprises me. Shinichi was never the person to consider going anywhere, be it joke or not. This, admittedly, was something he said to me himself.
As if remembering something, he made a humming sound in the back of his throat
"Maybe I should voyage somewhere. Everyone at the station did tell me that I could use a break" The light in his eyes tells me he was seriously taking this into consideration.
"Who is going to run after murderers if you're gone?"
"You're talking like that is the only thing I do nowadays…"
I am tempted to tell him that it is true. He barely does anything other than police work recently.
"But you're right. It feels more in place if I stay here. Reminds me… I have to take a look at the file Inspector Megure handed me" I can practically feel him being excited without looking. It isn't that hard to get since Shinichi is a detective and, consequently, has a very unhealthy habit of coming back to cold cases for the pure purpose of entertainment.
Nevertheless, when facing with a murder or be it someone's life on the line, Shinichi is very devoted. Sometimes, he either skips meals or cut down his resting hours for the job. Without asking, anyone with eyes can see that he lives and breathes for justice. Some called him arrogant but personally, I think he is just a kind person who strives to do something worthwhile for the world. Still, I may be biased as he is the sole human I interact with.
Before I can get more lost in my musings, the door to Shinichi's room opened. I was greeted with a brightly smiling female.
"Kudo-kun… So you're here. Everyone is wondering where you were."
The girl who just walked in named Nakamori Aoko. Compared to the people around Shinichi, she's extremely dull. Shinichi has made an effort to correct me but I refused to think of her as otherwise. I clarified that I did not, in fact, hate her but it seems he wasn't convinced.
"Nakamori-san" Shinichi acknowledges, sending her a smile "Sorry to trouble you. I'll be down in a minute" Something in his voice told me she was the last person he'd expected to be rushing in to look for him. I thought the same. The only one who would do it so casually is Kaito and the only one who wouldn't mind it in the least is Shinichi.
"Oh, I'm sorry I busted into your room without permission. It's just that everyone is outside playing with the snow and I think you'd like to join us" She is being polite and this somehow annoyed me more than it should. I don't usually hold ill feelings against anyone but this girl always manages to push my switch, which is amazing in its own way. Shinichi, though, seems mildly taken aback. His eyes are definitely conveying something along the line of which everyone should have been busy having fun and had no room for him.
"I appreciate the thought, really, but I'm a little bad with weather like this so I think I'll stay inside"
I can only sigh a little at his polite response and his convincing smile. Shinichi is getting more and more used to it. Lying…Deceiving…Reassuring… I wonder whose fault it was.
"Oh, I see. Well, that's not the exact reason why I'm here"
I'm guessing she's going to do that again. She is going to pry into Shinichi's life and rub salt into his wounds. Well, she has her own intentions, while Shinichi has his too. Those sapphire eyes haven't wavered meaning Shinichi is going to refute everything she has to say, the same as last time.
"Kudo-kun seems a little distant so I'm a little worried. Did something happen?"
Well, that much was obvious. Throughout the whole party, Shinichi just stood in the corner, drinking wine without saying much except for the occasional comments here and there about his friends. It was really ironic how he himself was the person who decided to throw the party but was also the person who wasn't much excited about it.
"Please, by all means, don't worry about me. I'm just a bit under the weather today. I'm sorry if it puts you off somehow" The detective by my side wears a sheepish grin. It all sounds like a reassurance but being with him for a year, I know better. He is trying to drive her away in the nicest way possible. No, Shinichi doesn't usually mind a conversation or two. He needs it. Nonetheless, now… Now is not a particularly good time he deems to have a talk, least of all, with her.
"No. Not at all" After a moment of silence, she added "Shinichi-kun… Can I ask you something?" She asks as she proceeds to close the door behind her. It seems this is going to be another talk that Aoko obviously won't appreciate anyone hearing in. Maybe that's why I have a bad feeling about this, aside from the fact that she is calling him Shinichi. There's also something about her eyes and her stance that bothers me but I can't exactly pinpoint it.
"Are you unhappy with this outcome?" I give her credit for that one. Shinichi is usually seen sporting an emotionless front whatever the circumstances so for her to see through that façade of his is a novelty. I didn't expect such on her part. But then again, she has always been keeping a close eye on Shinichi.
The detective standing next to me provides no response.
"Shinichi-kun, you are clearly troubled by our relationship"
Nakamori Aoko is this type of person. She speaks her mind if needed – that much I could gather. Still, it doesn't mean I have to like it. I don't like how she's pressing into matters that Shinichi is clearly uncomfortable with voicing. I don't like her earnest expression. It's as if she had no idea why Shinichi is so out of it.
"Nakamori-san, listen…" He decides to speak, finally, voice calmly bringing her attention back to him.
"Hypothetically speaking, what if I'm not happy with it? It's not like I can actually change anything. This outcome stems from Kaito's resolve and doesn't have anything, whatsoever, to do with me" Shinichi reasons calmly, eyes directly locked with Aoko's.
Though it sounds like an agreeable argument to Aoko, I have to disagree. Shinichi did have a say in the matter. Kaito ran straight to Shinichi for his advice and even let the detective decide. I could see that at the point, the magician was already set on confessing but the need to let Aoko in on the truth delayed his answer. Shinichi's promise to support him was what led Kaito to his final decision. That's why, if anything, the detective standing next to me was the one who created the outcome.
"Well, that was rude" I decide to speak up seeing as after a few more polite exchanges, the brunette finally left, all perplexed and still not convinced, to which Shinichi seemed annoyed and frustrated about.
"She has the right to be doubtful. It just means she treasures her relationship with Kaito as much as he does, which is something I can't have been more grateful with. Well, I just need a cup of coffee. As expected, women are scary creatures" The detective standing beside me let out a breath he may have been holding since that door opened.
Shinichi is always good at confrontations. He's good at admitting that he's wrong when the time calls for it. He's good at coming to terms with certain things. Still, there are few exceptions, including his own heart. If I ever were to point out the things he held for the people around him, he would deny it. He would until the truth slips his mind.
"Say, am I that easy to read?" He suddenly questions, searching my reaction.
"For me, at least"
Shinichi smiled slightly at me as if to ridicule the notion. We've been stuck with each other for a long while and counting behind closed doors, there is no telling whether I understand him more than most people or not.
"You humans are so complicated. You crave but refuse to reveal, messing everything up with miscommunications, having your ego getting in the way…"
The detective next to me has a funny look on his face when I said this. He must've had no idea why I find this simple while he dwells on its complexity.
"You say 'human' but are you sure there's no way you were one of us before this?"
He directed the conversation away, once again questioning my origin. I still think it was quite strange how he didn't deem my existence troubling. Shinichi is a detective and I'm sure everything on crime scenes were based on solid science, which allows no supernatural being.
"I say that's unnecessary. After all, I don't want to suffer from constant confusion and insomnia. 'What-if' though, I would want to be like Tsubaru-san with his cool head and cold heart."
Tsubaru-san is the person living with Shinichi long before my memory started. I have a theory that his affinity with Shinichi's job comes from his past experience with either the FBI or the like.
"You're denying a perfectly capable possibility. And believe me when I say Tsubaru-san is not like that"
Shinichi always seems a bit more open with the man. Again, he was another person who was acquainted with the raven during the 2-year-period of something which heavily affected Shinichi's character.
"Anyway, I still think it was better if-
The first knock on the door comes without a warning.
"Come in" He said quickly, clearing the lump in his throat.
"Kudo-kun" The little girl said before glancing around the room in quiet contemplation. "I swear I heard you talking to someone…" She said in her smooth voice, posture completely controlled and contradicted her appearance.
Her name is Haibara Ai. Sometimes I hear Shinichi calling her Sherry or Shiho (it differs depending on the circumstances) which interests me greatly. Could you blame me, though? A child living with different identities is too amusing to pass up.
"I was on the phone" The detective holds up his phone to prove the point before proceeding with "Did my personal scientist need something?" He said teasingly, earning from Haibara a raised eyebrow. He did explain to me that she was something of a big sister and private doctor to him. Their relationship is an enigma.
"Well, it seems I'm here as a consultant today. How are you feeling, Kudo-kun?" She asks in a calm voice. This gives away just how much she really cares for the detective. He doesn't take pity well so the last thing he needs is comforting words.
"Let's see, the weather is not very cold so my throat is fine. I'm not having any bout of cough thanks to your medicine. It's quite an improvement since last night, might I say…"
I can feel Haibara holding back a defeated sigh at the answer.
"You don't have to flatter my ability in what I do. How are you feeling, Shinichi?"
"Pretty satisfied, if you ask me. Everything worked out quite well. Still, I'm honestly surprised at how easily Aoko accepted the truth. Ran took a long while before forgiving me" he replied light-heartedly, each word sounded as wrong as the last.
"So you're not planning to tell Kaito at all?" She frowned at his confirming nod.
"It's a precious friendship. I can't afford to destroy it with an on-a-whim confrontation, Ai-chan"
Haibara must've seen the determined look in his blue eyes. Nothing could be said to change his mind at this point.
It is still snowing outside after that fleeting conversation with Haibara. Shinichi has gone quiet.
He and Kaito have known each other for 2 years 'officially', he told me. They have really identical looks. Nevertheless, they were very different. Maybe that is why their friendship has developed so well.
"You know, I can never tell him, however hard I try."
Shinichi finally speaks up, his eyes trailing Kaito's figure on the ground filled with pure white snow. He was soon joined by Aoko and Akako who has just started a snowball fight. They were fooling around like little children. It is quite a heart-warming sight.
"I know. You freeze up numerous of times…"
Shinichi had tried before her existence was made known to him, before Aoko was in the picture.
"…And made a fool out of myself in front of him numerous of times. Yet, not once did he joke on it" Shinichi appreciates that, if the spark of happiness in his voice was any indication.
To imagine Shinichi actually putting down his barrier just to step nearer to someone proves just how much he really wants the thought.
"Thinking back, I really did ridicule myself a lot when faced with Kaito" At that, Shinichi grimaces at the vague scenery ahead.
One of the things that immediately come to my mind is that time when it was raining cats and dogs. Everything was going normal and for once, in Shinichi's favor, for he had finally remembered to bring his umbrella with him. That was it until Kaito appeared next to him with his frazzled appearance and troubled expression saying that it was a special day to Aoko and he wouldn't get a gift in time if it continued to pour. Shinichi, without any hesitation, handed his only ticket to getting home dry to Kaito and even claiming he had had a second one with him to assure the other.
"Of course, I will forever hold dear the memory of us running home, me with nothing to cover and you with your pathetically useless schoolbag. And in the end, you even got a cold"
"Hey, you are not capable of getting soaked, unlike me" He laughs fondly at my mock complaints, the memory clearly embedded in his mind.
Speaking of soaked, there is another fragment of memory that is practically unforgettable to me.
It was the first time I witnessed Shinichi running off from a case, after all.
As if on cue, Shinichi spoke with eyes a mesmerizing blue "I still felt like an idiot rushing to Kuroba's resident in the middle of the night that time just because of a text."
It was a practically chilly night with a few drops of rain in sight, maybe not enough to do harm but enough to wet. Shinichi, as usual, bumped into a corpse. Responsible as he was, Shinichi called the police and began his investigation, practically nothing different from the usual. That was it until the buzzing noise was made notice. I knew it was important. If not, he would've skimmed through quickly to continue with the case. That was just a few seconds before Shinichi suddenly ran to Inspector Megure, explaining all the details of the case before rushing off, though not without saying several sorry to the older man.
He just ran, forgetting my existence entirely, as I followed him out of curiosity. When I saw the word 'Kuroba', I stopped wondering what was up. I reckoned it was something urgent. If not, he wouldn't have been so impatient, pacing back and forth in front of the Kuroba's front door.
In the end, Kaito had just gone down with a slight fever and decided to text Shinichi to pass his boredom. He got a pretty good scolding afterwards by Chikage-san for worrying the detective and making him run all the way from Beika to Edoka without anything to block him from the rain. Luckily for Kaito, Shinichi stepped in, saying something about him exaggerating the situation.
At that moment, I came to realize Kaito had no idea just how much Shinichi cared for him.
"Shinichi, do you think you could've had a different outcome had you insisted Kaito on not confessing?"
I know he had considered it. I know he had thought on it really hard when Kaito asked him what he should do. Shinichi had a chance, then, to erase this - This favorable end for Aoko.
"I can't do that, you know. Not when Kaito looks at Aoko like she's everything he has ever wanted. I wager my whole Sherlock Holmes Collection that Kaito seek normality and stability in his life. KID, the nighttime stage and the fame- those will not last forever. And, trust me, it is not enjoyable to live a life of uncertainty, a life made of lies. Something gentle, something typical, something that was not out of the ordinary – Aoko could give Kaito that. Aoko could give him a table full of delicious food every night. Aoko could be the wife that wasn't the most ideal but always supporting and tender. Aoko was everything that Kaito long to have and I can tell Aoko feels the same. What more can I ask for?"
'A happy outcome for you', I could have answered
He smiles at me while his eyes adorn sadness. Yet, I couldn't say anything in return to lighten that. 'It's okay' 'Everything is going to be alright' 'It's not the end of the world'... I could've said all of those. I could've relieved him of the morose he dived in. But it's not okay. It's not alright. Everything is going great for others while he silently stands next to me gazing at their happiness through frames of 'what-if's, knowing that there might be another, more favorable, outcome had things been a little different.
The sky gets darker. Stars are nowhere to be seen. We stood next to each other in complete silence. He doesn't like pity. And I'm not good at comfort. The clouds barely move. Snow continues to fall. We stood, lost in our own thoughts.
...So...Someone asked me if I was going through something hard in my life because I keep contributing sad fics to this happy fandom... Well, for as long as I can remember, I live in a very happy household with a satisfying life, actually, so no, I'm not going through any hardship (does exam count, though?). My mind just refuses to produce happy ideas. Well, I hope you had fun reading!
-Crystalette