The rays of light peeking through the gaps of the slowly opening door wasn't what would have usually attracted my eyes but it had a beauty that only few things had. It was a dying star in the midst of a dark sky (only brighter) and that light was you.
My first step towards the door was clumsier that I'd anticipated, my feet a little off balance and my hand outstretched in reach for the railings.
When I asked you about your favourite colour, I didn't expect the answer to be a simple 'brown'. When I further prompted you, I thought you were overly romantic and a cliché while you thought I was a cynic (you were probably right).
'I like a warm chocolatey brown that swirls into a soft honey colour under the sunlight. A brown that takes you in on a cold winter day and breathes warmth into your very soul. I like a brown that is so deep that to swim in it, you have no choice but to drown. I like a brown, Dan, that is the exact shade your eyes are.'
I didn't respond but I thought I may have taken a few more steps forward without realising.
When I tried to backtrack, I only tripped over one of your fallen socks and found myself further along, balanced at the entrance with my hands gripping the doorframes.
But you- you didn't stop and I learned to find my feet around you until you were my ground.
I didn't know your intentions half the time and nothing you did was predictable.
I couldn't tell by the look on your face that you would actually jump the fence to get us our perfect picnic location or that you would walk two kilometres to find that ice cream shop. I never thought you would find a way to follow me to the departure gate to make sure I wasn't too scared or that you'd hold my hand until I fell asleep only to wake me up with toast and burned eggs in the morning (just how I liked it).
All I knew were your arms and stargazing from your roof, houseplants and video games at dawn, sunshine and joy surrounding everything around you.
It was you that threw me the rope to finally climb my way through.
I sometimes regretted falling in so fast. I regretted ever seeing you bunched up on the bed, cowering in pain even under the strongest medication. I regretted meeting your mother for the first time and seeing her pained smile and how much she loved you. I regretted saying goodbye when I left you because there was always a chance it would be my last.
Above all, I regretted that I never stopped to help pull you up as well, never considered that you might tire from holding onto the rough twists of my lifeline.
The last phase of my journey was as hard as any badly planned trip would have been. It was a throbbing through my entire body that didn't seem to leave and hands that were constantly shaking. It was a pouring silence that submerged every room until attempts at conversation were useless and every movement was pulled apart by the lack of time.
And then I was there, standing in the room that I had tried so hard to both find and avoid and I knew why every star inside me had screamed with each second that brought me closer.
My back was straight and I didn't have a choice but to look around me. No choice but to see the blank walls and the empty picture frames and the fading memories and the window sill with no flowers adorning it.
Maybe I should have realised while crawling my way towards you that the door had been closed for a reason. Or maybe you should have realised that giving me a fraying rope was bound to end in broken strings.
I shouldn't have walked into your most beautiful life but I did and now I can't seem to find my way out of the barren room I've locked myself in.