As I lay on my bed letting the angry sounds of music fill my room, I smile. If anyone knew how this felt, they wouldn't judge. I reach under my mattress and nick my finger off the blade. After I pull it out, I look at my finger, already the crimson beauty escapes. I smile again and take the blade and swipe it across the open skin on my arm. I watch the blood flow down my arm, and onto my bare tummy. The song ends, another starts. I close my eyes and lose myself in the rush. I start to slowly drift off when my phone rings.
"Hello?" I wait a few minutes, whose this? I want to say, but I just snap my phone shut, and close my eyes. One, two, three. Four... Five. I wake up half knowing I'm alive, half wishing I wasent. I become suddenly aware of the dried blood all over and look down. Not as bad as i thought, maybe next time i'll cut deeper. I smile, how sick and cynical have I become? I slid out of bed, and slip into the shower, the beads of hot water stinging and releasing me. Cleaning my body and mind. I watch the blood fall from my body, not a pretty colour but an ugly red. I watch till its all gone and get out, and get dressed.
My house is abnormally quite, but I don't mind. What time is it? Do I have enough time for school? 12:30, looks like I can make it for the afternoon. I pull out some jeans and I a sweater, throw on my uggs, and go downstairs. That's why its so quiet, no ones home. I grab my backpack and car keys and leave the house. Driving, I see random kids from school. Probably on their lunch. No one i eat with will be driving so i pull into student parking, into my spot beside my friends. They all wave and great me when i get there.
I sit on the hood of my car, and pull out my poem book and pen. Today's one of those days where I normally keep to myself, and everyone respects that. A couple of guys walk by, and without looking I already know who it is. Tyler sits next to me, he smells amazing. I chance a look over at him, yep - He looks amazing too, great.
"Whatcha writing?" He asks.
"A poem" I answer. He puts his arm around me and pulls the book from my hands, I breathe in deep, knowing we'll never be as we were again. "That's what you always say" He whispers, causing me to lean in closer. God, he smells amazing.
"Because its always true. Smartass" I want to lean my head on his shoulder, but I know I cant. He gets quiet so I know has reading. As I read over what I wrote, panic washes over me as I realize the poem has reading, is the one I was writing about him. He'll notice for sure, because I describe him down to the things only I love about him. His grip tightens around my waist and my panic increases. Does he notice? Probably, its pretty obvious, and if Logan - My boyfriend, ever realized it'd start something. I don't understand why I cant just get over Tyler, most likely its the fact that I love him, and it grows everyday.
Its funny, that Logan doesn't notice, anytime he mentions his name, I get antsy and push on for more of the story. If I was woman enough, I'd call Tyler myself and ask him how his day was, but I'm really not, so it isn't going to happen. One day I will, one day I'll let the phone dial. But that day wont be today, and it wont be tomorrow, or the day after. Because I know I'll ruin whets good with Logan, and that will break his heart, and I don't want or need that. Man oh man... Tyler's arm is still around me, and I wonder why he's held on for so long. I guess this sinks in for him aswell and he take his arm away, leaving a cold spot there."I'm sorry" he whispers.
"Its alright" He turns his body, and looks me right in the eyes. "Is it really?" I bite back tears, why does he always do this ?! Like talking about my feelings is going to change anything! He's still there looking at me, so I think of an answer. "Yes, yah.. it is." He still there, looking at me, unconvinced.
" Really, its fine" He looks like he wants to lean in to kiss me, but he doesn't. Instead he rolls onto his back and looks up at the sky. I fight back the urge to lean my head on his chest. I cross my legs and lean back, and look up too. I'm so lost in my thoughts I don't realize him leaving, I half heartedly say goodbye, knowing I might not talk to him anymore, and knowing he'll never kiss me again. The bell rings, and I put my stuff back in my bag, and get back into my car, there's no way I can make it to class with this on my mind. As I drive to the waterfall, I think over all the good things in my life, all the reason to not kill myself, to only cut a certain depth. And most of them are pretty good, make allot of sense, but the thought is still there, I still think I dieing every minute of every day.
I pull into the parking lot, no ones here, so I turn on the radio, and watch snowflakes fall on my windows. Logan loves me so much, why do I have to be so foolish? Why cant I just get over Tyler, this really inst fair. And I feel completely worthless. When I'm with Logen, i compare everything he's doing to Tyler. Itryed telling Tyler all of this once, i dont think he wanted to listen, he kept telling me to forget him, that he isn't worth it. And you know what? Maybe he isn't, not to other people, but he is to me. He's worth every tear, every gash, every once of blood that pools out of my arm. If only he knew that, i love him so much.
I've never said this aloud, but only because I'm so scared of the outcome. I'm always afraid, that I'll be with Logen, and I'll say Tyler's name instead of his, and i know for sure Logen will try to fix it, then push it under the rug, as if nothing happened. But i will know, and it will eat away at me. I look at the time - 2:45, when did he get so late? I check my phone to see who called. I have a text from Tyler.
Need to see you ASAP
I stare at my phone, wide in amazement. He needs to see me? But why...? I text back that I wanna go home and shower, and I'll call him when I'm out. I put my car in drive, and drive up the dirt path, away from my safe place, and head home.
BAAMMM Shit that took only FOREVER, tell me if you liked it, thanks :) (My cusins say* Like it I do! Reviews wud make me feel great!)