Disclaimer: This started off as a something I wrote on my i-phone at work because it's that boring. I don't own any characters, sadly. If I did, I would be rich and living in the Caribbean, not hating my job and writing fan fiction during it. I tried to edit as best as I could, but I went to school to become an allied health professional, not a journalist. This ironically is the basis of this story. All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.
"Bella, could you come into my office for a moment?"
Ugh. Tanya Hammond. 29, blonde, Yale graduate, legs for days, blue blood. Who knew there were blue bloods from Alaska? I certainly didn't. Amazingly, though, for her background, she was a pretty cool chick. I mean, she was kind of annoying and slept around a lot, but she liked me and I wanted to keep it that way.
With a sigh, I got up from my chair and walked across the hallway into her office. I stood patiently waiting for her to notice me when she said it.
"Bella, when was the last time you had sex?"
What?
"What…?" Was she hitting on me? Did I give off that vibe? I mean, I knew Tanya slept with men, but after being dumped by her last three serious "boyfriends", maybe she's batting for the other team. Wait, I don't think it worked that way, though. Maybe she heard about that one time in college. Everyone experiments in college though, right? James and I were going through our nine millionth break up that semester and Kate McLafferty was really adorable. I don't know how she could have heard about that though. I certainly didn't tell anyone and I'm pretty sure Kate didn't know Tanya since we went to school in Washington. How far away is Alaska from Washington, though? Maybe they have friends in common. I know when I went to Miami for Spring Break with Alice and Rosalie we ran into this guy that Rose knew in high school. Pretty random, right? I mean, they went to high school in Beverly Hil-
"Bella?" she looked at me expectantly. Oh crap, during my musings she probably asked me a question.
"Can you repeat the question?"
"I don't mean to pry. I have been emailing the new Editor in Chief of Modern Man Magazine all morning. As you know, the former Editor was let go because of his failure to produce enough issues, "
"With a name like Modern Man Magazine, who would've thunk it?" I giggled at my own lame attempt at a joke, but by the look on her face she wasn't amused.
"Bella, our sales here at Vanity are down as well. Modern Man is our brother magazine and while we are managing, we need to bring up our sales. The last thing we want is to be bought out by the competition,"
"Maybe that could be a good thing? If we were bought out by Cosmo or Glamour, wouldn't that be better? They could provide us with a bigger budget," I really had no idea about buy outs. For all I know they could tell us to fuck off, infiltrate their staff, and lay us all off.
"No, that would not be a good thing, Bella. Why would they buy out a magazine and keep the staff which didn't produce enough sales? No, this wouldn't be a good thing at all. And it is very important to Edward. All of the magazines owned by Cullen Corp. are owned by his family. His brother Emmett runs Health Weekly and his mother is involved in Home and Design so you can tell they are very involved in their publications. They have managed to retain some pretty decent numbers, but these two magazines are not doing as well, obviously. So, we brainstormed together and decided to do monthly columns which appeal to both men and women and feature them in our magazines. This way we can draw a larger male audience to our magazine and females might subscribe to theirs. Every woman wants to know how to please a man," I suppressed an eye roll at that one. I'm pretty sure being there and being naked is enough for most men.
"So, why does this have to do with me having sex? Are we doing a piece on how to grow back your hymen? Because I'll tell you, mine's almost back,"
"Bella," Tanya rolled her eyes playfully, "I need you to work on this piece. This is why I'm asking you. Obviously, I don't want the story to be about your personal bed habits, but I need to know that you are familiar with sex,"
"So this is going to be solely about sex? I'm pretty sure there are other ways to please a man besides sexually. What about love and relationships?"
"Perfect!" she clapped her hands together. "I knew you would be the right person for the task,"
"Tanya, what exactly does this entail? Because you've never actually given me a column or piece to write before,"
"Listen Bella. I know you are a fantastic writer. The samples you submitted during your interview were absolutely phenomenal. And unfortunately, until now, the only position I had available was as my assistant. Perhaps I was misguided in that and should have given you assignments because you clearly exhibit more talent than some of the junior and senior writers on my staff," she was still fuddling with something on her computer, but turned to look at me, "I need you to do this for me. Edward suggested we do this together – he and I – but I just have too much on my plate right now,"
"Wait, you want me to work with the Editor in Chief? The guy who runs the magazine? I don't even know why I'm saying this, believe me, because I have waited for this opportunity for three years, but I don't know if I'm up to the task,"
"Listen Bella. Have a little confidence! I was going to put the Editor of Love and Relationships on this, but I need someone with fresh ideas. Carmen has been working here for fifteen years and God love her, but her articles are basically the same recycled junk with different wording month after month,"
"So, I'm supposed to work with this guy and come up with ideas about love and relationship?"
"Yes. We are doing six articles and they can be about whatever you want. Sex, love, relationships, family, what women want, what men want, whatever. I just need the ideas to be fresh. I need an angle which will draw readers in and I need a woman's perspective versus a man's perspective," she glanced down and then back up at me, "Bella you know I'm not the most reliable when talking about love and relationships-,"
"And I am? Tanya, I've worked here for three years. Have you ever seen me bring a man to an office Christmas party?" Way to look like a loser, Bella! "I was in a horrendous on again off again five year relationship that only ended because he got some stripper in Vegas pregnant!"
"A stripped in Vegas?" Tanya gasped in horror.
"Yeah, her name was Candy Cane, but now I guess it's Candy Stevens. I heard they got hitched about a year ago,"
It was quiet for a moment. She was looking at me with a contemplative look on her face and I knew from experience that could only be a bad thing.
"Do this and I'll promote you to junior editor of any section of the magazine you wish to write," she sat her perfectly coifed ass back into her chair, "Oh and Bella, I don't think Candy was her real name,"
"So, if I do this," I began, ignoring the last part of her statement," I could be junior editor of, say, fashion?"
I was fucking with her. She knew I knew nothing about fashion and the only reason I showed up to work in Italian leather pumps, pencil skirts, and silk blouses was because of my fashion forward best friend Alice Brandon. As expected a look of horror crossed her features before she quickly regained composure.
"Bella, I know you love reading and books. Rumor has it, that if this goes well, Jane's junior editor will be getting a promotion and her spot will quickly need filling," she had this innocent look on her face, but I knew better.
"Fine. You have yourself a deal. And when this goes well, because I'm an amazing writer, I expected a corner office, a salary raise, and my name in large print," I stuck my hand out to her.
"You'll get the promotion, a nice cubicle to hang the pictures of Alice, Rosalie, and your mom in, a 2 percent raise, and your name will be in normal print. Mine's the only one in large print, bitch," she raised and grasped my hand, giving it two pumps signifying we had an oral agreement.
Wait, how was I getting a promotion, yet going from an office to a cubicle?
I walked back into my office and glanced at the clock on the computer screen. It was shortly after noon and that meant I had been in Tanya's office bargaining with her for over an hour.
It also meant I was late for lunch.
Grabbing my bag I ran to the elevator. It was a weekly ritual. On Hump Day Alice, Rosalie, and I all met for Lunch at Gianno's as a way to catch up on gossip. Alice was a buyer for Neiman Marcus here in Chicago and Rosalie worked for the law firm Stern, Michaels, and Miller. Now that we were officially adults with grown up jobs, this often meant we worked long hours and not enough girl time. The only difference between us was that Alice and Rosalie liked their jobs and didn't mind the long hours. Whereas I, as Tanya's bitch, couldn't wait for the clock to strike 5 o'clock so I could get my ass home and watch reruns of Friends until I passed out for the night.
It was 12:21 when I stepped into the elevator. It was also 12:21 when I saw him for the first time. I think I could bet every pair of designer shoes in my closet that this was the most attractive man in all of Chicago. I mean, seriously. He was wearing a black suit, crisp white work shirt, and skinny black tie and looked like he stepped out of GQ magazine. I peered into the elevator to check if there was some half naked chick hiding in the corner because his hair looked like someone was pulling on it for a good half hour. And his jaw? Seriously, it looked like it could cut glass.
"Are you getting in?" his voice cut into my thoughts. I need to stop going off into my own little world because I probably looked like a major idiot to whoever was speaking.
"Oh, yes, ground floor please," I stepped in and went directly to the left. The doors closed and I now realized I was completely alone in an elevator with the hottest man to ever live. Ok, maybe that wasn't true. I mean Johnny Depp is pretty banging at, what, forty five? But this guy was hotter than Hades.
"Meeting your boyfriend for lunch?" his voice once again cut into my thoughts. Rude. I wondered briefly if he was a talker in bed. You know, the ones who are all, "Oh yeah, is it good baby? Is that the spot? No? There? Scream my name, bitch. Scream my name!"
Sidetracked again B. Swan.
"No, I don't have a boyfriend," totally answered that question like a seven year old girl. Why not just put up a sign that says, "I'm single…please inquire within!"
"Husband?"
"Nope," I looked at him and saw his mouth briefly twitch before opening again.
"Have a drink with me,"
"At noon? Sorry dude, my court ordered ankle bracelet might go off and it'd be pretty embarrassing to be hauled back to rehab at work," I internally laughed at my own joke and then did so out loud when he glanced down at my leg to check.
"I don't see an ankle bracelet. Just two very beautiful legs," he winked at me. He winked. This is 2010 and dude actually winked at me, "I meant tonight. Let me take you to The Grand Luxe"
"I can't, sorry," I don't know why I was turning him down when, in fact, I wanted him to turn me out. Something about him rubbed me the wrong way. Although, I knew in the back of my mind he could rub me the right way. I was punning. I was officially Carrie Bradshaw. Except I had no John James Preston to come home to at night. I looked at his hands to do the whole wedding ring check. Although, it wouldn't surprise me if he was married and not wearing a ring, but he had some awesome fingers. Long and lean like a piano player. My ex, James, had fat stubby fingers.
Just like his penis.
Where am I? Oh, in an elevator, turning down a very good looking man.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I just assumed you were into men,"
What?
"What? You think because I turned you down…I'm a lesbian?" I could barely get the sentence out. I was choking on spit at this point.
"Or asexual," his mouth twitched up into a smirk and I wanted to kiss it right off of him.
"Arrogant," I muttered to myself. Thank God we descended to the ground floor of the office building, I briskly walked out of the elevator when I felt his arm grab me to stop me almost making me trip on my Gucci sling backs.
"Excuse me?" he was clearly befuddled by my statement of him.
"I know your type. Good looking, presumably rich, "I began tugging on the lapel of his suit jacket, "never been turned down, huh, baby? Let's guess; private school attended, Ivy league educated, got any girl you've ever wanted because of the abovementioned traits…not interested in that. I come from Washington. I like red blooded American men who drive trucks and hunt, not blue blooded, prissy businessmen,"
That wasn't true exactly. James was as prissy as they come. He didn't know how to hold a beer properly, let alone a gun. And no I wasn't pro-hunting. It was gross and reminded me of my dad. Loved Charlie to death, but didn't want to ever become my mother and marry a gun toting, fish loving, Vitamin R drinking cop.
I just go for losers who cheat on me with Vegas strippers and cause me to have my gynecologist on speed dial.
I didn't even give him a chance for rebuttal. I swiftly carried by ass out the revolving door and ran to the restaurant. I was already twenty minutes late and a hungry Alice Brandon is a mean Alice Brandon.
"So let me get this straight," Rosalie began sipping her glass of water in between breaths, "the so called 'Hottest Man Alive' asked you for a drink and you said no? Why?"
"I'm not really into pretty boys," Lie.
"Lies. James was the prettiest guy I've ever met. Tyler Crowley had porcelain skin. Eric Yorkie wore a fucking Louis Vuitton messenger bag in high school," Alice guffawed into her hand, "Bella, it's like they get prettier each boy you bring home!"
"Ok, well arrogant isn't my thing," Lie.
Two disbelieving pairs of blue eyes stared at me.
"Anymore," I finished and gave them both a pointed look.
"I was reading this article in Glamour, "Alice began and then cringed for mentioning my competitor, "anyway, a woman said she stopped having sex for ten years and when she finally did again it was worse than losing her virginity!"
"Losing my virginity wasn't so bad. Probably because Tyler had a small pecker,"
"Bella, PLEASE go out with him!" Rosalie all but yelled. I flushed in embarrassment as I noticed some onlookers glaring at our table.
"Ok, I've been a called a lesbian twice today," I began, "well once in my head, but it still counts. I'm thinking…maybe that's the way to go?"
They both rolled their eyes and Rose turned to Alice, changing the subject.
"So, how's Jackson? Is everything REALLY bigger in Texas?"
"His name is Jasper and he's great!" she began, "and yes. Everything is bigger in Texas,"
"Yeah, he's also the general manager of the NEIMAN MARCUS in Dallas," I commented taking a bite of my pizza.
"What's with you and homosexual implications today?" Rosalie asked.
"I'm just saying," I stuck my tongue out at her causing her to roll her eyes.
"Believe me, that was my first question. Although, I didn't say that exactly. I mean, you don't mess with Texas," she giggled at her own joke, "but he went to school for business, has his MBA, but went with this job so that his girlfriend at the time could get discounts. So you know what that means!"
"He's pussy whipped?" Rose offered
"No! He's a good boyfriend," Alice sighed into her gelato.
"Ok, you're making me want to barf. Besides," I took a sip of my water," he lives in Texas. What good can really come of this?"
"And I'm in Texas twice a month. And there are things called weekends and skype!"
"What the fuck is Skype?" I turned to Rose, but Alice interjected.
"It's like…webcamming. Anyway, we're taking it slow. Obviously, I'm 26 and know to proceed with caution," Alice explained.
"When can we meet him?" Rose asked and I groaned.
"Ugh, do we have to?"
Alice ignored me, "he's coming in next week for business," she shot me a pointed look when I laughed, "We'll all get drinks at Crimson or something?"
"Ok!" Rose responded with excitement, "I can bring Alec and Bella can-," she looked at me, "are vibrators allowed in public?"
"Ha, ha," I rolled my eyes and stood up, "How is Mr. Two Minute Man?"
"It's something we're working on, Bella," Rose hissed, "My therapist suggested we start using condoms again so that he's not quite…stimulated,"
"So have we upped our time to five minutes?" Alice giggled, but looked away at Rose's ice queen expression.
"I am fully satisfied, ok. More than I can say for you Bella. I also get it on the regular, so I'm never missing out," she finished by looking at Alice.
"I don't miss out," Alice and I both said it at the same time.
"All I know is that I really like him and we're working out our issues, ok?"
"You're right. Alec's a nice guy, Rose," Alice assured her, patting her arm.
"Ladies. It's been a pleasure. Really it has, but I must be going. Tanya's coffee won't make itself,"
"Aww, Belly," Alice cooed, "you just got promoted. Now you get to spend all day thinking of the sex you're not having!"
"Thanks, bitch. Listen, if I wanted to get laid I could! I could fuck any guy in this room," I gestured around the room and noticed multiple pairs of eyes setting on me. Oops, perhaps that was too loud.
Maybe not for that guy. He just gave me the wink and whistle. Ew.
"In all seriousness Bella, is this Edward guy cute?" Of course Rose had to pry.
"I don't know. Never met him. He's the Editor in Chief of some machismo magazine whose greatest article was entitled, 'How to Ask For Beer in 28 Languages,'. I'm sure he'll make me do all the work and take all the credit,"
"Now, now, you never know. Obviously he has interest in this. Isn't it his family's business?" Rose pulled out her credit card and waved the server over.
"Yes, which is why the boy probably got handed this magazine and most likely can't write to save his life!"
"I can't wait to see how this turns out," Alice mused, one hand resting on her chin.
"Stay tuned my dears," and with that I walked out of the restaurant and back to my office.
When I arrived I noticed Tanya's door was closed and the light was off. She must have been gone for the day. This means I could spend the rest of my day eating chocolate in my office and stalking my ex boyfriend on Facebook.
I was just in the middle of looking through the pictures of his ugly baby when my Outlook alerted me of a new email. Quickly closing my browser I went to check it.
Son of a bitch.
From: Edward Cullen [ecullen..mmmagazine[.dot]com]
To: Isabella Swan [IMSwan..vanitymagazine[.dot]com]
Subject: Battle of the Sexes
Body:
Isabella,
Just heard the good news from Tanya that you will be assisting me in what I like to call our "Magazine Recovery Plan". I'd like to meet sometime tomorrow to start brainstorming on ideas and getting ahead of the game. I have cleared my entire schedule and have been assured that you have done the same. The Modern Men's Magazine office is also located in the Willis Tower Building. Please come by tomorrow at your earliest convenience and ask my assistant Jessica to show you to my office.
I will be waiting.
All the Best,
Edward Cullen
Editor in Chief, Modern Men's Magazine
Fuck my life.