- WELCOME TO HEAVEN, NEFFERS -
by the AsCast gals
As dictated on "AsCast Episode 6: In Which the Neffers Make it to Heaven," available on iTunes, in response to Breeze's fall challenge of incorporating the Lamppost.
(Prepare yourself for the second-best one-shot of your life.)
Peter was walking through the woods one day, when he suddenly heard strange noises coming through the trees. He turned and saw a faint glimmering of light through some nearby bushes.
He looked up and noticed that he was quite near the lamppost, where he and his siblings had begun their journey to Narnia eight years ago. From the trees, he also heard the sound of clinking glasses such as might go with a bottle of wine. Following the light to the lamppost, Peter saw a woman standing there with her back to him with a glass in her hand.
The woman turned as she heard Peter approaching, casually sipping wine out of her glass. She bore a strong resemblance to one of the wild girls of Bacchus.
With a devilish grin, she hooked one of her legs around the lamppost and began dancing about it in a very questionable fashion.
Peter was stunned. They don't do that back in England!
Edmund burst out of the woods saying, "Lilia, what are you doing?! That is my brother, not me!"
Lilya stopped dancing and looked at Edmund. "I'm not picky, though, Edmund." With a promiscuous grin, the nymph turned from one brother to the other saying, "I'm up for it if you are."
Peter blushed as he looked over at Edmund. "What the bloody do you think you're doing?!" he asked, very incredulously.
"Drinking," said Edmund, pouring himself a glass. "Can I get you one, Brother?"
Peter sighed and said, "Fine, Ed. If I must endure this, I must have a glass—or five."
"Wonderful!" Lilya exclaimed as she began her wild gyrations around the lamppost again.
Peter stared at her, somewhat in horror, and downed two glasses of wine in quick succession.
Out of the forest burst another group of wild girls, leading forward Bacchus in anticipation of a drunken orgy.
Peter leaped forward to greet the demi-god saying, "Sir, I am so glad you are here! We believe that your nymph is having a fit! Perhaps you would like us to get a physician for her?"
Bacchus bowed, but looked behind Peter and said, "It will be you, sir, who needs a physician, for I see your wife behind you in the woods."
Bacchus then looked at his nymph dancing around the lamppost and said casually, "TastyAsItGets, what are you doing here?"
Peter stared at the woman with sudden recognition, his eyes narrowing as he breathed, "Saedra… You!" he sputtered. "You are the reason all of this happened in Narnia! Why did you do it? What did I ever do to offend you?" he demanded.
"Oh, take a pill! Drink?" Tasty then sauntered over to Edmund and said, "I heard you had a good time with Zahara the other day, but, uh, wanna share your tricks with me, too?" Tasty then removed her jacket to reveal her "I 3 Edmund" t-shirt.
Shortly after this, Lucy and Susan entered the glade, staring incredulously at their brothers, Bacchus, several wild girls, an author who they had heard of with renown, and much tree foliage.
Peter glared at Tasty's t-shirt and said, "I knew you always liked him better than me, I knew it! Perhaps if I looked more like AlSkar, you would like me better!"
And then the IKEA delivery truck arrived all the way from Sweden carrying enough AlSkars for everyone!
Tasty opened the box, and the AlSkars starting parading around the clearing, three of them up on the lamppost doing a "post-dance" that pleased Tasty very much.
Peter looked around with a perplexed look on his face. "But where is Hev?" he said.
There was a rather loud rumble and the sound of many girls' laughter as suddenly all into the clearing popped all the AsCast girls with Hev at their lead.
"Peter! AlSkar! I don't believe it!" cried Hev in excitement.
"Edmund!" Peter exclaimed. "It's the Neffers! Run for your life! And your virtue!"
Tasty struck a pose and gestured at all the Edmunds and Peters and AlSkars around and said to the girls, "Welcome to heaven, my friends!"
FIN
Thank you to Justine Rohm for transcribing this Round Robin.