Dear Diary

By Nathan Raya

Summary: Someone longs to be with Lloyd, but it's not who you would expect.

Disclaimer: I do not own Tales of Symphonia or any of its related characters, etc.

Dear Diary,

Tonight I have woken up in cold sweat once more. It was the third time I had done so this week. Each night the nightmare was the same.

I run through a dark forest, my footsteps echoing through the trees. I hear faint snarling in the distance behind me. I keep running, faster and faster, doing all that I can to escape whatever beast pursues me. I enter a clearing, dark and filled with black mist. The mist is suffocating, and I can barely see. The mist stings and brings tears to my eyes. I turn around to face the path that I came from, but I see nothing but darkness. And yet, the darkness seems different, as if it hides a presence so evil that no light at all is drawn to it. I back away until I step onto something hard and flat.

I look down and see that it is a grave. I kneel to examine it, only to find others of the same kind. At each one, the sight of its inscription shocks me as if a dagger pierces my heart. These were the graves of my comrades, the people whom I to love and cherish. Seven graves are there,one for each of my comrades, buttwo were missing. One was for me, but the other was for Lloyd Irving, the boy I had come to love.He suddenly appears next to me, in his traditional red battle suit. He takes my hand in his, and my fear seems to leave me entirely. He leans close and tells me that everything will be all right. He leans closer and strokes my cheek. He brushes his lips against my own, and happiness flows through me. This was the happiness that I have never felt before, happiness I longed to have.

But slowly, the black mist seeps into the clearing once more, its darkness lapping at my heels and penetrating my body's warmth. The darkness is freezing, immobilizing, and breaks through my bliss. A horrible snarl echoes through the forest and the monster reaches out from the darkness and pulls Lloyd away from me and into the shadows. "No!" I hear the sounds of furious battle, roaring and slashing, but then a bloodcurdling scream echoes throughout the night. I fall to my knees and sob, when the ground opens beneath me and I fall into an abyss with no end...

And then I wake up.

I wipe my brow and step out of my bed. I glance over at my brother Genis, who is sleeping peacefully beside me. He doesn't know what's been happening to me. There are times when he would be suspicious, but I doubt he knows exactly what's going on. I don't want to wake him. Why should I? Just because I had a bad dream? I walk over to my desk laden with various papers and folders. Opening one of the drawers, I take out a hefty stack of papers and lay them on the floor beside me. I reach in to the back of the drawer and take out a photo. I stride back over to my bed and sit there, just staring at Lloyd's likeness in the slip of paper I held, taking in his carefree smile and eternally tousled brown hair. His brown locks fall gently upon his face, framing his youthfully energetic and yet determined deep brown eyes.

I sigh in bitter remorse. I could never have his love. I could never feel his arms wrapped around my slender frame, gaze into his handsome eyes and fill his smooth lips brush against my own as I am filled with pure ecstasy. But alas, such things are but a figment of my wishful thinking. What would people think? How would they react if they knew the truth? Once again, I would be shunned, just like in my youth when I was forced out of my hometown just because I was different.

But even then, they accepted me. When I entered Iselia, cradling newborn Genis in my small arms, they brought me in and accepted me for what I was. Genis and I did not have to hide our silver hair or our pointed ears, our symbols of being Half Elves. Half Elves were not accepted anywhere else. Elves would not dare associate themselves with the seemingly inferior beings; humans would not accept a mixed child into their cities. The citizens of Iselia where different, though; they took us in, fed us, clothed us, sheltered us, and helped us establish a successful living in the small, isolated town.

Then, seven years later, when I was eighteen and Genis was just over seven, I started to teach in the small, shabby schoolhouse. With the help of Dirk, Lloyd's adoptive father, we were able to rebuild the unused schoolhouse and make it fit for use for the youth of the small forested town. And, of course, that was when I started teaching Lloyd and Colette, who would soon become embroiled in the dangerous journey for the Regeneration of the World.

I sighed quietly. I truly longed to be with him. I loved him ever since he got sucked into Colette's journey to restore the world. Sure, he can be dense sometimes, but I know there's more to him than that. Inside, he has a caring heart. I was fortunate enough to see him when he was actually taking things seriously, trying to help out everyone he can. He wished for a world without discrimination, where Elves, Half-Elves, and Humans could live together in peace. At the time, I thought it was an idea without merit, but now I have come to see how wonderful such an idea is. He truly was a wonderful person. He had the charm to be funny and witty all the time, the tenderness to care for our entire group, and the determination to fight for who he loves.

I sighed once more. He would never return my love. I had no right to take his heart from Colette, who he's been friends with all his life. They were always together, they loved each other, and they never left each other's side. They made such a perfect couple that I should never have thought of changing that. Getting him involved with her Journey to Restore the World just made that connection grow stronger. And yet, I still longed to be with him, to feel his hands upon my cheek and his lips upon my own.

I got up from my bed and walked back over to my desk, where I replaced the picture. I know I shouldn't keep my feelings locked up inside of me. It's not healthy. That was what I always told Genis whenever he got frustrated over something and he needed to talk. It's ironic how I can't even follow my own advice. My mind was set. I had to get this off my chest. Tonight, I would walk over to Lloyd's room and tell him how I felt, and I would expect nothing in return. If he does not love me back, so be it.

I walk down the inn's hallway in my silk nightgown. My bare feet quietly creaked across the cold, wooden floor. I find his room and knock once, then twice. The hollow wood echoes in the small, quiet inn, and I am left in an uncomfortable silence. Some shuffling is heard from inside, and Lloyd soon answers the door, clad in a white cotton nightshirt and loose black pants. Just seeing his physique through the thin cotton made me shiver, and a light blush crept upon my cheeks. But Lloyd, being as dense as he normally is, was oblivious to my condition. Some time later, I muster the courage to speak.

"Lloyd, I-" I begin, but then hesitate. Should I really be doing this? Maybe I should just leave. No, that won't do. Running away from my problems will not solve anything, and keeping my emotions hidden for the rest of my life will just make me suffer. My mind has been made up. I will tell him now.

"Lloyd, I love you." He steps back, surprised. Well, he should be surprised. We stand in an awkward silence as the words begin to sink in. I knew I shouldn't have done this. Now he'll probably hate me for the rest of his life for stepping between the relationship he had with Colette. I begin to turn away.

"I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't have-" My words are cut off as Lloyd gently touches my shoulder and turns me to face him. He strokes my face with his fingers before pulling me closer to him. He leans closer, and brushes his lips against my own. Immediately, the world around us begins to fade away as I am engulfed by pure ecstasy, his warmth spreading throughout my body, protecting me from the cold night. Our lips part slowly, as I shudder quietly from his touch. He pulls me closer to him, cradling me in his powerful arms. He leans closer to me and I do the same, and in his ear.

"I love you, Lloyd."

"I love you too, Professor."

Night passes and the morning came, the light of the dawn peaking over the horizon as it flows in through the window. I open a sleepy eye to meet Lloyd's smiling face beside me, as he leans forward and brushes his lips against mine briefly. I snuggle into his embrace, and look up as the dawn washes over us, the light spreading ever onwards from off in the horizon. This light shone brightly, and inside me, my spirits soared. To others, this would merely mean a sunrise, but to Lloyd and I, it meant the beginning of a new relationship and the coming of a bright future.

I knew it would take time, though. I knew Colette would be heartbroken. But, she was a strong young woman. She would heal. And in time, she would realize that she would be happier with somebody else. She only loved Lloyd like a brother, not as a lover. I know that I love Lloyd, but I do not want to hurt her. It will take a lot of time, and the wounds will be great, but through our collective strength, none of us shall falter.

Feeling the warmth of Lloyd's embrace flowing throughout me, I close my eyes sleepily and smile with content. After all the turmoil of my life and all the dangers of our journey, I had finally found that which I have wanted this entire time: peace, love, and the happiness in Lloyd's arms. The journey of our love would be perilous, but the end would be more than worth it.