I needed to get over it.
It was becoming obvious now, and I really didn't want other people catching on. It was already bad enough that some of the girls knew and would tease me about it in an indirect way. And the flirting wasn't helping my situation either. I knew I liked him, and sometimes I liked to think he liked me too, but realistically he didn't even look at me as more than a friend.
I thought I was handling things well, but I knew that the feeling of disappointment in the pit of my stomach after the graduation ceremonies for Fred indicated I was deeper in this than I thought.
I had been building up with excitement for the grad for weeks now, fantasizing what would happen when the two of us met. He was supposed to stare at me in awe, and we would laugh and joke as usual and then he would ask me to dance, and break down my refusal with that smile that sometimes makes me melt. Somehow we would end up going home together, and he would realize that he liked me too. It would be the night everything started for us.
He was the only boy I had ever been serious about. I honestly thought that sometimes I was in love with him, that this crush was only the beginning. I could picture him being the one. And despite my efforts to get over him, or to move on, every time I saw him the feelings would come rushing back.
I spent hours preparing. I actually took time to do my hair and makeup, painstakingly picked out the most flattering dress I owned and carefully picked out jewellery. I didn't want to overdo it but still wanted to wow him, in a subtle way of course.
Sitting down for the ceremony I casually scanned the room for him. He took my breath away in his suit with a tie that was a blue as my dress. Coincidence or maybe it was fate?
But before I could even wave or get a chance to talk to him, he was gone. And my heart went with him.
As my cousins and Fred try to drag me to their after party, I allow it. Because maybe this time it will dull the pain and disappointment in me and in him. And as I walk out the doors with my cousins I vow never to let my fantasies get the best of me and create expectations. I vow to let him go from my heart.
But just one smile from him and my vows come crumbling down.