Title: Not Sure Yet

Author: Sabby13

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: Not mine. All the characters and settings are based entirely on Ann M. Martin's series The Baby-Sitters Club. I just like adding angst and unnecssary drama.

Feedback: I know, I know. It's been years. I promise, I'm actually legitimately trying to finish this. I'm going through and changing some of the chapters for now and then I swear I will be adding new chapters. Any feedback is appreciated, positive or constructive.

Summary: It's really scary when you finally start growing up and realize that life isn't always as easy as you thought. Having best friends and a loving family should be enough to help you get through things, right? That's what Mary Anne's hoping, anyway.

CHAPTER 1: Mary Anne

I have kind of a lot on my plate this year. At least, it feels like I do.

This is my senior year of high school. Even though I know Stoneybrook University isn't a hard school to get into, scholarships are still pretty competitive so my grades are a huge priority. I refuse and quite frankly, don't have, a valid excuse to get anything lower than an A in any of my classes. My dad and mom absolutely understand and as far as they're concerned, other than a family emergency, my grades come first.

I'm making sure to have plenty of extracurriculars too. I tutor every Monday and Wednesday. Whenever there's a dance, I always sign up for the decorating committee. I've even found a sport to participate in. Kristy says golf isn't a real sport but I think it's just because it's boring for her and she's not very good at it. Not that I'm good either but I'm not competitive. For me, it's kind of fun and it will look good on my transcript.

Sometimes, after school, I'll teach knitting classes at the art store in town. The pay is pretty decent, way better than if I was just a cashier or shelf stocker. During the fall, I only have to work one or two nights a week, very rarely on the weekends and I get my schedule a month in advance. Claudia and I love my employee discount. I've used it to get her so much stuff, she says I'm her muse and when she becomes world famous, I'm going to get seventy-five percent of her profits. I love Claudia, she's so sweet, but her math is a little off sometimes. Besides, I wouldn't want any credit. I feel lucky enough just having the most amazing friends. Sometimes I can get a little overwhelmed. There's been days where I'd normally be in a total panic but luckily, I have such a good support system. I know I wouldn't be able to juggle anything without them.

I think it's so great that we're still here for each other. I mean, I've grown up with Claudia and Kristy. We're like boats that are tied to the same dock. Every time it seems like we're drifting apart, there's some kind of pull that brings us back together. I don't think I'd be doing so well if I didn't have them within arm's reach.

I wish it was that easy with Stacey. Really, I do. I love her, of course. We've been friends for 5 years but sometimes she just really tries my patience. I know it's something else that I need to work on. I just feel like things should be a lot easier between us but there's always this weird disconnect.

Dawn, on the other hand…

…We just…We're not as…close as we used to be.

I'd like to think it's because she's been going through so much. I can definitely understand why she needs her space. I try to remind myself that she and I were friends before our parents married and despite everything going on with her, we are family. Sometimes things just take time to work through. To be completely honest, we haven't been getting along a lot lately. It just seems like I'm always doing something to upset her. I try not to let her get to me but sometimes she's a little harsh. And it just makes me doubt myself even more.

Which, I'd like to think, is why I didn't respond very well to Cary Retlin asking me out.

"Oh, come on, Mary Anne. It's just one date." Cary said as he walked me to first period. "It'll be something safe and boring like dinner and a movie and I promise I'll be on my best behavior. No dine and ditch, no throwing gummy bears at people, no fire alarms…" I couldn't help but look up at him. Cary's tall now. He's around six feet and he has blonde hair and blue eyes. I wouldn't say he looks like a movie star but if you didn't know he was from Illinois, it'd be easy to think he was a surfer. He has a special grin that he uses when he knows he's being funny and he wants you to acknowledge it.

I purposely chose to ignore it.

He pursed his lips into a half pout. That one always makes the other girls giggle.

Well, it makes Claudia and Stacey giggle.

Kristy usually rolls her eyes and makes a snide comment about fixing his face with her fist. I admit it, I'll smile or laugh sometimes but right now, I didn't want to seem encouraging. I pressed my lips together and raised an eyebrow.

He rolled his eyes. He knew I was purposely being difficult.

"Come oooon." He whined. "You know you want to say yes. It'll be rad. We can even double date with Claud & Alan Gray, if you want…I guess."

I bit my lip. He said that last part unwillingly. Obviously, he didn't really want them to come along. Is it conceited if I think he didn't want to share me with other people? I hope not. I frowned. Great. Another thing to feel guilty about.

Here's the thing: Cary and I have been friends for a few years now. He moved here from Illinois back in the middle of eighth grade. And while we haven't actually flirted, per se, it's never really been a secret that we like each other. Not like, like each other, like we want to suck each other's face off. We just…we like each other. Like, I think he's actually pretty sweet once you get past his bravado and I guess he sees something about me that makes him want to be nice. I mean, right now, he was being sweet. That's not something Cary really does in public.

He's always making fun of people or playing pranks on them. I can't even tell you how many times he's gotten into fights with some of the "jocks" here. It's silly when you think about it because he's on a couple of sports teams. You'd think by now they'd get his sense of humor. And you'd think by now, he'd know their limits. I guess that's the thing about Cary, he's always pushing buttons.

"All joking aside," Cary said as he leaned against the lockers, blocking my classroom door. "We'd have fun." He smiled down at me and my stomach fluttered as our eyes locked. "We always have fun. Please?"

My face started burning and my stomach did a somersault. Despite my best efforts, I was smiling back. Even though I was trying so hard to mush my lips together, I could feel the yes on the tip of my tongue trying to escape.

I ripped my eyes away from his and looked down at my shoes. My hair's thin and mousy brown and it's gotten so long that it's easy to use as a curtain over my face. I know it's dumb to hide but I just couldn't look at him. My heart was beating so hard, it felt like it was going to break out of my ribcage.

"I can't." I said it quietly, like that would make it less offensive. "I'm so sorry. I just…" I tried to think of whether or not to explain myself. I shook my head. No, I didn't have to. "I'm not really ready for that yet."

I tried to walk around him to get to my class but he grabbed my wrist.

"Mary Anne…Just, please give me a chance?"

I fought the urge to snatch my arm away. "It's not really a good time right now, okay?" I tried to say it politely. "Can we just drop it?"

He let go of my wrist and put his hands in his pocket. "Obviously, I didn't mean right now." He said dryly. "Cafeteria food and a history documentary about the fifty-whatevereth president isn't really my idea of romance." He looked around nervously and then dropped his voice before adding. "I was kinda thinking, at the very least, I could get you a classy meal at McDonalds."

Okay, that actually did make me smile. Which made him grin. "I'll even let you order something that's not on the Dollar Menu." He reached forward and pushed some of my hair away from my face.

I started as his fingers brushed lightly against my ears.

Nope.

Not doing it.

Get away.

Get away!

Run away, now.

My instincts were screaming at me. I ordered myself to keep breathing normally.

"I can't." I said quickly. I clutched my books tightly to my chest and took a step back. The smart thing to do would be to duck into my class, but I needed to get away from him, away from everyone, right now. "Please, don't ask me again."

I turned and walked as quickly as I could to the nearest girls' bathroom. I knew the bell was going to ring any minute. I was counting on it to give me a little more privacy.

Sure enough, it rang as soon as I stepped into the bathroom. All the last minute stragglers rushed past me to get to class.

I had the bathroom all to myself. I put my books on the floor by the sink and looked at myself in the mirror. My eyes were already shining. I blinked quickly, willing my tears to not come out but I could feel the pain in my chest trying to push them out and my nose was turning redder by the second. I took deep breaths while running a paper towel under cold water. As I dabbed at my face with the towel, I reminded myself that crying would smear my mascara, which would mess up my concealer, which would then make me have to redo everything.

But it was already five minutes after the bell rang. I was either late or about to skip class. I felt so guilty for turning Cary down. We both knew there was no real reason for me to say no.

I shook my hands out in front of me and ordered myself to not cry.

I could do this.

I was mature and responsible.

I had a good head on my shoulders.

I made smart, well thought out decisions.

I didn't need to cry over every little thing. In fact, I hadn't cried over anything in months. I refused to break that streak by crying over a boy.

I didn't have to feel guilty about the hurt look on Cary's face. I wasn't being selfish. I had every right in the world to not date someone if I didn't want to.

But my chest was hurting and I was having to take larger gasps of air. Before I realized it, tears were pouring and I was sobbing. Why was I sobbing? This didn't make sense. I knew I was doing this for my own good.

It was my life. These were my feelings. This was my heart. I was protecting it the best I could. It had to be better than taking the chance of someone else breaking it, right?

I told myself it was. I was doing the right thing. I was making the smart choice.