Needs
Lisbon sat in her apartment reading a book and drinking a cup of hot chocolate. It had been a stressful day. They had captured a killer of two young women, but what really had her on her toes was the fact that Jane hadn't shown up for the last two days. She'd tried to reach him several times on his cell phone but it always went straight to voicemail. She had looked into his thinking room and told Rigsby to check his home, but neither had found any traces of where he could be.
What worried her most about his missing was his recent behavior. He always seemed sad and distant, even more than he had before Kristina's abduction. She had asked him about it many times but he just wouldn't open up to her. She knew he wasn't really the sharing type, but they had come close over the years and she considered him a friend, family even, and he knew it.
Her dimly lit apartment and the hot drink in her hand started gradually soothing her. But the sudden albeit soft knock on her front door instantly ripped her out of her reverie. She looked at her watch and found it was almost ten p.m. Not exactly the time for an unannounced visitor to show up. She took a few tentative steps towards the door when she heard a few quietly suppressed sobs from the other side. She looked through her peephole and immediately yanked the door open.
"Jane! What happened?" He stood there, leaning against her doorframe, his jacket stained with blood and tears shimmering in his eyes. "I'm so sorry… so sorry." his hushed voice was thick with emotion as he stumbled into her apartment.
Lisbon quickly shut the door and led him over to her couch. "Jane…?" she started again when he repeated over and over "I'm so sorry." She tried again speaking in her best cop voice "Jane, what happened?" This got his attention and he quickly looked up into her eyes, only to revert his gaze back to the floor in shame. "I…I mean… he was… and I…Oh god…" "Jane what did you do?" fear and sorrow seeping into her voice. "Are you talking about Red John?" This only made him suck in another deep breath and a silent tear fall from his clouded eyes. "I wanted to…you know I…"
She could just stare at him with sad eyes. She had always known this day would come and still had hoped that she would be there to prevent this from happening. She had hoped that she would find Red John first, that Jane would be some place far away, hating her for arresting Red John and not letting him shoot him himself. But then he wouldn't have to be the one she was arresting.
She slowly slid her hand over his arm and addressed him in a hushed voice "Jane?" "I'm so sorry, Lisbon. I let them down. Oh god, how could I? I let them down, I'm so sorry." He kept whispering the same words over and over again. "Jane, what do you mean you let them down?" Lisbon suddenly asked with a stern voice. "Jane?"
"I…he was there and I…I just couldn't…I had to think of…and then I just couldn't…and he laughed at me and said…Said I was weak, Lisbon. And he was right, I was…I was weak and I just couldn't…" "Oh god, Jane" and with that she pulled him into a tight hug and he sucked in another shaky breath, letting it out in a soft sob and gently put his arms around her waist. Then suddenly a thought struck her mind and she pulled away.
"Jane, if you didn't…where's all the blood…?" But he still couldn't answer and kept repeating how sorry he was and how he let his family down. "Oh my god, Jane" She lifted her now shaking hands and began undoing the buttons of his shirt. He didn't help, nor did he complain. When she had finished the job she softly brushed the shirt off his shoulders and let her eyes quickly roam over his upper body trying to detect the source of all the blood smeared everywhere. He had a deep cut under his left ribs and another stab into his right shoulder.
He saw her face go pale but couldn't bring his thoughts together. "I'm so, so sorry. I should have just…But I knew you would…and I just couldn't." He kept rambling in whispers and she was not sure if he was really still talking to her or to himself, but she replied anyway. "Jane, you did the right thing and I'm so glad you did, but now we have to get you to a hospital."
Slowly opening his eyes Patrick Jane felt like he had been run over by a truck. His chest hurt, his head throbbed, his eyes were stinging by the bright light and more than anything his heart felt like it had been shattered into billions of pieces. And then the memories all came back and he remembered exactly why he was here, lying in a hospital bed and hurting all over: Red John. He had let him escape. He had let him kill his family, stab him and still he had just let him run off. He was so stupid and sorry for letting his family down, but still he had a strange feeling that he must have made the right decision.
Lisbon saw Jane stirring out of his sleep and quickly let go of his hand. She saw his eyes briefly wander to his left hand and she was sure he had felt her touch but he didn't say anything about it. She whispered shyly "Hey, how're ya feeling?" He looked up at her with a sad smile and responded honestly "I don't know".
"Do you remember what happened?" Of course he knew, but she didn't know what to say. However she saw him gently nod his head. "We will get him, Jane. I promise." "Yeah, I know."She gave him a soft smile and took his hand back into hers. He gave her hand a light squeeze and shut his eyes again, trying to get some more sleep.
After nearly a week of lying in a hospital and a few stitches Jane was glad to finally be able to come back to work. Of course he wasn't working much yet, doctor's orders, but at least Lisbon let him sleep on her couch again and watch her doing paperwork. It had been another eventful day for the team and Lisbon was finishing up a report. The others had already gone home, leaving herself and Jane alone at the precinct.
When she had signed off the last papers and stored them away Lisbon looked up to find Jane lying on her couch watching her absentmindedly. "What are you thinking?" she asked him quietly, not wanting to startle him. He let out a quiet sigh, sat up on the couch and motioned for her to come over and sit with him. She raised her eyebrows lightly but wordlessly went over to him and sat on the warm space he had freed for her.
After waiting a few moments for him to start she began the conversation herself. "How are you feeling?" She had asked him the same question before, but he had thought about it a lot in the meantime and gave a different response this time. "You know, I still kind of feel weak and stupid for not shooting him…" At that she opened her mouth to repel that thought, but he stopped her by gently taking her hand into his own. "But I also feel like I made the right choice." At that she gave him a surprised look and he continued. "It still hurts…a lot. But by now I know it wouldn't help them if I had killed him. But it helps you…us." His voice had dropped during his explanation and was now barely a whisper. "I know I'm not an easy person to be with and I am certainly not fine with what happened. I never will be. But I still think that I'm ready to move on. Slowly but gradually. And I would love you to be the one I can take these steps with." Speaking the last few quiet words he looked into her eyes and saw them shining with tears, but she didn't let any of them fall and smiled softly at him. This was what he loved about her: her strength. And she was what he needed. "I'd love to be that person." she whispered looking him deeply in the eyes. And sealing the deal he slowly leaned in and gave her a sweet soft kiss on the lips. "Thank you."