What We Leave Behind
By: Poetess
Disclaimer: The characters in this story are not mine. The tears are.
Chakotay's final thoughts
It wasn't supposed to happen like this. I wanted to live up to the old earth saying, " Go out with a bang, not a whisper". But that's all I am now is a whisper. One by one the people that I've lived and worked with for the last six years come to me to say their good-byes. They know it's only a matter of time, and they think that I can't hear them. Or maybe they know I can.
Harry comes to me first. He doesn't know it yet, but I recommended him for a promotion in his last review. He's become quite an officer. I can hear him struggle with his words as he talks to me. I never knew he thought of me as a father figure. I guess we really did become a family here on voyager.
After Harry leaves, Seven steps up to my bedside. I know that death is not an entirely new idea to Seven, but she still must be a little confused. I heard the Doctor explaining to her earlier about paying respects and the various beliefs about the differences between body and spirit. Seven tells me that she will miss the interaction with my physical being, but that what I have taught her will remain in her "spirit". Maybe Seven understands more than I know.
Tuvok has stopped by to say a Vulcan prayer. I know that he believes mourning to be illogical because death is "a ending and a beginning." How's that for logic? I am glad that he will be stepping up as First Officer. He'll be a good rock for the crew.
Of course Neelix is the complete opposite of Tuvok. I'm sure that any moment the doctor is going to have to sedate him. I smile in my mind as Neelix mumbles something about the Great Forest, and think, I hope that in the afterlife they have better cooking.
Tom and B'Elanna come in together. Tom with his usual little smirk calls me old man and tells me not to steal all the angels in heaven, but to save some for him. It's funny, but now that I'm leaving I can see how his jokes are just a cover for what he really feels. In a rare moment of seriousness he lays a hand on my shoulder and whispers goodbye.
Tom steps back so that B'Elanna can have a moment alone with me. I can tell that she's torn between cussing and crying. For the moment, the tears win. I know how hard this is for her. We are family her and I. Don't worry Bella, I'm not far. I'll ask my spirit guide to watch over her. Goodness knows hers is afraid of her.
For a while I have no visitors. I know the time is getting near. Half of me needs to go somewhere, but the other half is desperately trying to hold on to this world. What we leave behind is as important as what we take with us and some things still need to be said. Of course I can't say them, but I need to be here to hear them. I need to be here for her.
I can sense her the moment she walks into sickbay. Her captain mode disappears the moment she steps up to the biobed. Even though I can't see her face, I know what she's thinking. I know her that well. She takes my hand as she starts to speak. She begins to tell me all the things that she will miss, things I didn't know meant so much to her. Walking throughout the ship at 0200 hours, playing a game of pool on the holo-deck, or me bringing her a cup of hot coffee after hers had grown cold while she was reading reports. Then she begins to talk about new earth. My spirit guide is waiting for me on the other side, but I know Kathryn needs me to stay and hear this. She tells me that the night I told her about my found peace was the night that she lost hers. That night she realized that she was in love with me and that she would never have peace until she told me. And now it's too late. I can feel her hot tears on my face as she leans over to brush my lips with hers. Our first and last kiss. Before she lets go she whispers I love you. I feel the small smile on her lips. It's sad but it's there. She knows that I heard her.
Its time for me to go now. I leave you my peace Kathryn, but I take your love with me.