Padre Damaso is done fixing his suitcase of anitc supplies. Today, he's going to prank his most despised enemy: Crisostomo Ibarra. He laughs like a maniac once he's done. He coughs violently. Therefore, he goes over his desk to grab the right medicine. Instead of getting the right medicine, he got laxatives which will affect him later. The fat priest calms down and drinks water to drown down the laxatives, thinking it was medicine.
Antic no. 1
Padre Damaso carries a suitcase of antic supplies and goes in front of the church. Usually, Crisostomo goes there to meet up with Padre Florentino.
Padre Damaso spills tar all over the steps of the front. Padre Florentino, coming from a visit to his friends in the St. Rose de Lima Church, sees Padre Damaso staring at the tar-covered steps. He angrily goes over to the fat priest.
"Padre Damaso, why have you covered the steps of this church with tar? Are you tainting the church on a second level?"
"Calm down, Padre Florentino. You sound like the Archdeacon from the Hunchback of Notre Dame."
"Well, I can get the Archdeacon if you want. He's talking with Father David and Father Mathias about religious and moral matters in the church as we speak."
"Now don't get him. I really don't need him."
"Please tell me, for the endless love of God, why you put tar all over the steps?"
"Ah. To...clean it!"
"Clean it? More like dirty it. You should have used water and soap to clean that!"
"Exactly. I dirty it then I clean it."
"Well, do it now!"
"Later."
"Oh. I totally forgot. Spanish priests like you love to snore and drool your saliva all over your pillows."
"Hey! You Filipino priests love to insert your d***s inside children's ***holes."
"You do that too! Plus, take that back for you said that in front of the House of God."
"Oh yeah? Take back what you said first."
"No. You first."
"You first."
"You started it."
Their heated argument turned into a painful brawl. Padre Damaso punches Padre Florentino's stomach. While he kneels in pain, the fat priest laughs. Gathering all his remaining strength, Padre Florentino stands up and kicks Padre Damaso in the balls.
Jaime and Andromeda (my OCs/OTP) happened to saw the commotion. Jaime quickly shouts, "Suntukan Na!" He, his girlfriend and everybody passing by gather around the two priests as they fight like chickens. Literally.
Crisostomo who is on a romantic walk with Maria Clara sees the crowd.
"Maria Clara, do you feel interested in any random events today?"
"Yeah. Why?"
"Well, I'm curious about that crowd over there." He said, pointing at it.
Maria Clara looks at the crowd. She got curious too.
"We should definitely go, Cris. I think my father is having one of his brawls again."
Maria Clara drags Crisostomo through the crowds. The couple get to the front. Maria Clara sees Padre Florentino biting Padre Damaso's leg while Padre Damaso punches his stomach.
"Stop it, Daddy!" She cried.
"Oh. Hello, my baby girl." He greeted cheerily.
"He...he...help m...me."
Edgar manages to push Padre Damaso with a heavy, golden gauntlet he wears. Thus, Padre Damaso flies into many walls of different houses and buildings until he crashes into Judge Draco's home. He gets up from the rubble and dusts off the dirt.
"Padre Damaso, what are you doing here?" He asked, sounding a bit furious.
"Some numskull hit me in the head, I hit several homes and now I'm here. Can I sue the man?"
"Did you even see who he is?"
"No."
"You have no evidence. Case closed. Go away. Shoo, shoo."
"Damn you to hell!"
"But God is eternally merciful. Therefore, he sees me secretly killing Protestants, Iglesia ni Kristo, Adventists, Baptists and Muslims living here."
"That's nice but God has a limit for forgiveness."
"Prêtre bâtard. (Bastard priest.)"
"What?!"
"Get out."
Antic no. 2
Padre Damaso enters Crisostomo's house via an open window. He accidentally steps onto Don Rafael's room. Carefully, he walks out of the room. He goes downstairs to slightly open the door of the whole house and puts a large bottle of hot chocolate syrup on top.
The fat priest takes a seat on the couch. There, he lays back and snoozes peacefully.
Don Rafael heard super loud snores coming from the living room. Groggily, he gets up from the bed and checks from the stairs who is the owner of the super loud snores. He spots Padre Damaso who has an opened mouth and drools his saliva all over his mouth. It's true what Padre Florentino said.
Don Rafael returns to his room. He gets firecrackers and a match. He goes to the kitchen to get a pot. He goes to the living room, puts the firecrackers in the pot and lights them. Don Rafael quickly takes cover in his room.
Padre Damaso shockingly wakes up from the loud sounds of the firecrackers. Since he's like a scaredy cat now and the bottom of his robe is on fire, he runs to the door. The hot chocolate syrup spills all over him yet he runs like hell. The fire is extinguished while the chocolate syrup is still on him. The fat priest crashes into Judge Draco's house again.
As Padre Damaso gets up from the rubble, Judge Draco walks up to him. He grabs him like a cat and kicks him out hardly. The force was so hard Padre Damaso crashed into the quarters of the nuns at the St. Rose de Lima Church. He gets up and sees the nuns.
"Nuns! Aaaahhhhh!" He crashes himself into a window while screaming.
He runs and screams all the way back to his room.
Antic no. 3
Padre Damaso goes to the favorite restaurant of Crisostomo and Maria Clara. He bribes the chef to empty a bottle of extreme hot sauce on a bowl of Tinola, Crisostomo's favorite food. The waiter gets the two bowls of Tinola from the kitchen. Padre Damaso watches from the kitchen door with a smirk on his face.
One bowl goes to Crisostomo and Maria Clara. The couple satisfyingly ate their lunch.
The other goes to Judge Draco. One sip from the soup and he breathes fire. He immediately runs to his house.
Judge Draco had a long obstacle.
His first obstacle is his friend running up to him to tell him he lost his virginity. Judge Draco kicks his balls. The friend recoils in pain then falls to a canal.
His second obstacle is a vendor selling him newspapers. He throws the bundle of newspapers to the ground. The vendor was helped by Catalina and Simoun who so happened to be going back to school from eating in Ministop with their friends.
His third obstacle is one of his colleagues running up to him to tell him he has an important hearing at 2 in the afternoon. He spits at the colleague's eyes. He blindly bumps into an electrical post.
His last obstacle is accidentally joining a marathon. Surprisingly, he wins. After passing the marathon venue, he finally takes his long desired time in the bathroom.
Padre Damaso escapes through the kitchen.
Antic no. 4
Crisostomo and Maria Clara go to the park for a cute walk and talk. Little do the couple know, Padre Damaso is there. He places a dog poop on the ground. Crisostomo misses it while Maria Clara steps on it.
Crisostomo carries Maria Clara and places her on a bench. He removes the dung using a part of his shirt which he stripped off. He throws the dung into the biodegradable trash can. Crisostomo gets his small bottle of alcohol and wets it on Maria Clara's shoe. He sits down on the bench, waiting for the shoe to be dried.
"You're my hero, Cris!" Maria Clara said, hugging him and kissing him on the cheek.
"I love you, MC."
"I love you too, Cris."
The couple share a romantic kiss together which caused Padre Damaso to punch the tree he's hiding behind. All of the apples on that tree fell on his head. He's knocked out with a lump on his head.
Antic no. 5
Crisostomo and Maria Clara go to the St. Rose de Lima Church. At the entrance, a little boy carrying his baby sister begs money from them. Crisostomo puts all of his money on the boy's tin can. Maria Clara, on the other hand, puts the locket given to her by Kapitan Santiago in the boy's can. The boy felt so happy.
"Maraming salamat po. (Thank you very much.)" He said.
"Walang anuman. (You're welcome.)" Maria Clara said.
The boy left, telling his sister he can now give her the best life she could have becuase he earned a lot of money.
The couple go to the front pew. While they are praying, Padre Damaso scatters thumbtacks on Crisostomo's seat. He watches with a wide smirk on his face.
God saves Crisostomo. Crisostomo and Maria Clara left their seat to enter the convent where the two priests of the church, the five nuns live and the orphans they rescued from the streets.
Judge Draco and his uncle, Father David, are having an argument about the judge's policies whilst walking from the entrance to the front pew. Judge Draco sits on the thumbtacked seat. He yelps in extreme pain. Padre Damaso runs away yet he falls because he's fat.
Kapitan Jose and his tanods caught the fat priest. Behind the small army was a large army of people who complain about Padre Damaso's reckless behavior. Once the barangay captain and tanods brought him out, they hurt him badly.
Padre Damaso got jailed for a few months for damage of prperties and intrusion of places.
A/N For those who don't know, tanods are like guards but they guard a barangay. A barangay is a small division in each city in the Philippines. Every barangay has a captain or kapitan as a leader. Tinola is a food containg soup, chicken, pechay, sayote, some ginger and pepper. Thanks for reading! Bye and have a great time!