[What I tell you in the Dark]
"I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman."
-Anais Nin
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Truthfully, I've always wanted you.
If I am being honest with myself- honest with my need- you have always been my dearest, my most beloved- you and only you- held high, far above all others. If I am being honest with myself- truly- deeply- fondly- you are adored, desired, treasured- my precious darling, my dearest secret.
Truthfully I have always- always- watched you with the same earnest, straight forward desire- the same secret, hidden longing- that you have watched me. How easily my eyes find your own- skulking in the shadows, always just out of focus, out of reach- how earnestly you loved me then, and always have. Ah- how the red blossoms across the white, how sweetly the heat finds the delicate slopes of your cheeks. Your gaze grows, hazy, unfocused- you don't understand it- the sweet, agonizing pain that makes your heart quake and your flesh tremble- but I do.
I know it for what it is dear one, for what it must be- your heart, your soul, your flesh- how earnestly it seeks my own- to be bound, to be united, to be connected in the one true way that it could be. But you do not, must not understand it- it almost pains me more to think of it- how those pale lavender orbs would darken at the expectation of my promises, of the truth of my words, my desires.
I am ashamed- I love you- truly, deeply, I love you- but more than these, far more than these- I hunger. I desire. I want. I need. I have told myself countless times before- many dark nights spent in heat filled agony- 'she would not understand.' 'she is too young' 'she is not ready' 'Patience-'
One day beloved you will understand- the beast that gives me strength, also renders me powerless- that which loves so passionately, so sweetly- hungers with such absurd violence that it frightens me. I don't want you to know of it, would never- and yet- how much longer can I fight the tide, the futile flow of fate?
It seems as if it has been forever- and yet not long enough- it seems I have fought against this a thousand times before- and how many more times would I, if it meant that again- I could hold your sweet flesh against my own. I have waited- oh how I have waited- and at last dear one, at last- I will catch you as I always have, as I always will, as I always must.
You do not know of it- how close I am- and yet how far- even now I am near you- I wonder if you would think me cruel, for the things that I- deep in my heart- wish to do to you- and yet- how much different would you feel if I told you these were things you desired before you know how to crave- hungered for before you understood hunger- needed before you understood need. All that I do- I do for you, as I have always done and as I always will. In this pain you will find release. In your shame you will find redemption. In the depths of this passion, this traitorous lust, this filthy need- you will finally be set free. Think of it dear one- all that I have promised you- all that I will give you- is it not worth the price? I will let you judge for yourself. Wait for me just a little while longer, that is all that I ask, all that I could hope for. Wait for me, and I will come.
Yours forever, yours always-
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Beloved.
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His hands find their way to the worn wood of the tabletop, with a violence that startles her. She gasps aloud and the ancient tome clatters from between her fingertips onto the floor with a loud thump that seems to draw every eye within the quiet study. She blushes deeply, darkly to the roots of her hair- fumbling for words that seem to halt with precocious uncertainty on her lips.
She hurries to grab the novel from where it has clattered onto the floor- but he is already there, hair the gold of kings, bowed before her as he picks the book up with a calloused hand. She sits there in pained, agonizing embarrassment- as his deft blue eyes quickly scan the cover. 'Oh no-' she thinks weakly, with barely blossoming horror, already feeling her blood chill in her veins. He views with sardonic amusement the look of torment etched into the delicate lines of her face- but his smile only deepens as he surveys the novel, brashly and without shame.
"The Demon's Lover?" He states loudly, in that boisterous, mirthful voice that could make even the most somber of faces smile. "Eh? Didn't think you were into reading that kind of stuff Hina-chan! You must have been hanging around Sakura too long." He added as he raised his head, blinding her with the startling visage of his clear blue eyes.
Naruto Uzumaki- the mischievous devil himself- was right here before her in the flesh- and holding the shameful novel out to her as if he had not just embarrassed her to the world. She could barely find words to string together into a coherent sentence, her face burning so bright and red that she wonders if he can feel the heat of it. Just being this close to the man- with that devilish grin, that twinkling light of mirth in those two blue eyes- this close she could feel the strength of him, an exuberance so overwhelming that it threatened to rob her of breath. Always- there is a wild, reckless air around him- but an odd comforting warmth- as if he he is a walking summer breeze. Even now she still struggles- feeling as if despite ruining the quiet of the study with his loud words he could hear the rapid pounding of her heart, rattling loudly in her ears.
"A-A-Ah t-this i-is- I-I-I w-was j-just- I d-didn't- m-mean t-t-to" She floundered out pathetically, and he could only smile, rising to his full height, the offensive novel still in his hands. She seemed to shrink into her seat at the imposing sight of him towering over her, but his smile only deepened as he sat himself comfortably on the tabletop, his mischievous grin growing bolder still. He palmed the novel, humming beneath his breath as he flipped through the worn pages. She felt her throat begin to tighten, her heart pounding so violently in her chest that she can feel the blood pulsating in her veins. It seems to her as if a thousand eyes are watching this moment unfold between them, as once again Naruto Uzumaki set about playing his favorite game.
"Eh? What's that? You're going to have to say that a little louder for me Hina-chan! You said you didn't mean to?!" He stated, his warm smile already too easy, dangerous in its familiarity. His voice seems to grow, to fill the room as he tosses back his golden head and laughs. "Really? You mean you didn't want to read about this-" He ceases his thumbing and finally stops on a page- she feels her heart sink- she feels nauseous- but nothing could prepare her for his words as he began to read from a page.
"-And then my lips find yours- dearest- how sweetly they part for me-" He recites dutifully- the smile on his face is one of pleasure of mirth- but only she is close enough to see the dark in those blue eyes as they find hers, as they pin her where she sits. Her throat tightens- her heart- "Beloved-" He murmurs, as he draws his face nearer to her own- closer- closer- she feels as if she is going to faint- everyone is watching- but he continues, relishing in the bright eyed look of panic, of horror, blossoming in her pale orbs, of the heat rapidly making itself known on her pale skin.
"-It has begun. And despite how much you implore me- despite how you may plead with those wide, upturned eyes- despite how you may beg with those sweet, delicate lips- it is far too late. This is what you have wanted, what you have desired in that sin sick heart of yours. And I- I am your answer. I will give you what you crave, what you need-" -he caresses every syllable of the words as his eyes remained rooted on her own, every sinfully delicious syllable- and no longer are those blue eyes the same filled with the same youthful exuberance- they are darkening like cloudy skies at noon. They are-'"-raw, unfounded, incomprehensible, passionate, sinful- and far beyond your ability to bare- I alone know how you have hungered, and I alone will sate you at last-" -darker- she can't breathe, she can't think- nothing matters in this moment, nothing but his words, his voice deepening, darkening, becoming more.
It is as it has always been between them- the very air becoming some charged, wonderous, forbidden thing- and despite how easy he smiles as he reads the words- she feels something within her tightening, winding to the point of pain. She bites her lip with such violence it pains her- and yet she cannot look away from his eyes. Those bright, sweet blue eyes- and despite how much he reads in jest- she struggles to comprehend the triumphant, wicked edge to them as he watches her squirm. She feels as if she is going to faint again- the red in her face almost painful, agonizing to watch- but as always no one comes to save her from this sweet torment, this agonizing torture. Her head begins to ring, as her vision wavers in and out of focus- she's forgotten to breathe again- she feels as if she is about to cry- when suddenly he snaps the book shut, fanning himself with it in mock relief and releasing her.
"Woah Hina-chan! How scandulous! Oooooh and to think the Hyuuga heiress spends her time between classes reading such- literature!" He adds with a sharp laugh, much to her continued mortification. "But don't worry-" His voice is light, teasing again as he places it back in her lap. He stands, hand coyly skimming along the top of her chair, ghosting along the lines of her shoulder blades. She sucks in a shuddering, gasping breath- she can feel the heat of him- the careless, callous strength of him- as he lowers his head. Words meant for her and her alone. "I'll never tell~"
"Naruto Uzumaki." The words cut across the quiet air of the study, with a cold, calculated precision. He laughs again, unhanding her chair. Against herself she sucks in a much needed breath, finally allowing her eyes to find the man standing before them. He is impossible to miss- the tall, proud lines of his form standing imposingly before them as if he owned everything he laid eyes on. The long length of his hair is pushed back behind his shoulders, but a few defiant strands find their days into his icy pale eyes.
"N-N-Neji…." She manages to gasp our wordlessly, pathetically- but his eyes are on the blue eyes staring laughingly back into his own. "What's up senpai?" Naruto states with an easy grin, tossing his hand up nonchalantly in greeting. "What brings you here?"
"Not that it's any of your business." He stated coldly in reply, "But I have come to retrieve my cousin- who would be far better off without a mongrel's company." The venom in his voice was potent, filled to the brim with killing intent- but Naruto only laughed, waving away the harshly thrown accusation with a shake of his head.
"Geez no need to be rude! And for the record senpai, Hinata is perfectly capable of going where she pleases." He added none too gently-and she finds she can only sit- helpless and captive between the two of them, uncertain and unsure. "N-Neji-sama-" But he speaks over her, the words sailing overhead.
"Hinata is not your concern Uzumaki." His voice is growing tight, dangerous- she knows well the cold fury that his words are beginning to promise. Hurriedly she stands, gathering her things quickly into her satchel. The last thing she wants…is more unnecessary tension on her behalf. She…is not worth it, has never been worth it. She fights the urge to vomit, the words of everything said and unsaid still on her lips. She can feel his eyes, watching her carefully, with the same fiery concern- but tempered- as if through a smile.
"I-I'm c-c-coming…" She added quietly, drawing close to his side. Behind her she can feel Naruto's gaze again, the same comforting- and yet unsettling warmth of his smile. "I'll see you later Hina-chan!" He adds easily enough- although his voice is heavy with promise. Neji's scowl only deepens further and he turns, motioning for her to follow with a sharp jerk of her head. Saying nothing quietly- she hurries to follow in his shadow. And as much as she wants to turn around, to look- she dares not anger Neji any further. And yet she can feel his gaze following her, long after she has exited the study.
He hums quietly beneath his breath as he sits where she has sat, taking in a warm, comforting breath. He once more thumbs through the worn pages of the old novel, still laying exactly where he has placed it. His eyes skim the pages quickly, lazily- he scoffs under his breath at the outdated prose, the dusty pages. 'So she was actually reading this old thing? Well it's no wonder….I did put it where she could find it after all.' He thought deeply, darkly to himself. 'And so it begins again, as it always has, as it always will.' But this time was different- she was more timid- shy- sweeter- like a delicate bud, just waiting to be coaxed into bloom- slowly but surely- but he was not as patient- and there was no more time. This time- he couldn't wait, wouldn't wait- this time- he would truly conquer her, truly devour her whole.
'Wait for me-' he promised to her, from the deep, dark depths of his being, to all of the promise etched into the sweet lines of her body, the trembling shyness of her eyes- 'I am coming.'
She had never been able to understand, to articulate clearly the powerful, undated longing she felt when his eyes found hers. From the time she was young- he had been there- mischievous, blue eyed devil, firmly grasping her hand and pulling her with reckless abandon into the unknown. Bold, fearless, rash- he strode foreword with his back straight and his eyes forward, violently towards whatever fate had in store for him. He…had always been like that. He had always been wild, forward- and yet for her and her alone- would he wait for her to catch up with his reckless pace. How firmly he would grasp her hand- all the better to drag her forward with him. He had never left her, never abandoned her- even when she grow weary, even when she wanted to stop- he had been there, coaxing her through the darkness. Now, more than ever- when the days were long, when life became unbearable- she would bask in the warmth of his smile, the promise that had always been there in his eyes. She would warm herself at the thought of his laugher, wild and free in a way she never could be-
He had always been there- close enough to touch- close enough to love- and yet always, always- out of reach. Because his eyes would go places she could not follow. Because sometimes they would go to some deep dark part of himself that frightened her- and as long as she had known him- as long as she had loved him- slowly but surely she was beginning to realize- there was much she still did not know, would never understand.
Naruto Uzumaki- the wild haired boy with the too wide grin and the too easy smile- the boy who seemed to laugh at everything and nothing- the boy who still stubbornly looked forward, and never looked back- slowly, surely- he had been changing, and changed. When, where, how she didn't know- only that never before had his clear blue eyes been so murky, so clouded as they had been- never before had his words made her tremble in some secret part of herself. She knew only that she did not understand it, could not understand it- even now when every moment he sought her, seemed dedicated to breaking her down to her pathetic, traitorous core.
When she had come of age- her family duties demanded that she sever public ties with her childhood friend. No longer could they play together, long into the dark- no more could they hide away in the dark underbelly of the forest- no more could they share secrets beneath the stars. She had cried when she told him that they could no longer be friends. But he- he had only smiled that same easy grin, that same strong, comforting smile.
'Don't worry.' He had said then, the still too short boy of ten, as he held her hand in his. 'I'll wait. And someday, somehow.' She mouthed the words in the dark of her room, if only to herself. 'I will set you free.'
AN: And here we are again, another case of me writing the type of vic I want to read. I was in the mood for NarxHin smut, but something far beyond the usual- more than anything I find it hard to find fics where not only Naruto pursues Hinata, but does so as a man, confident and assured versus the wild boy we know and love. I wanted to explore a more mature Naruto with darker desires- and one that does not mind guiding Hinata on a journey of exploration of self. And if I'm being honest, wanted to try my hand at this wave of 'dominant alpha male' type of fics that are so in fashion these days. But I do like toying around with the Naruto universe, so hopefully someone enjoys this. That said I'm sure this will seem ridiculously OOC at times...my apologies, I'm trying my best! Never fear I will soon return to updating my other fics, but I wanted to follow the thought wherever it led. Please let me know what you think.