CRACK!
Support group for SPN charries. Sam, Dean, Gabriel, Luci, Michael, Castiel, Bobby, Chuck… Oh! And two surprise guest appearances!
GOD: Alright, now, I would like to commence this support group meeting.
DEAN: Sam, why did I have to come to this?
SAM: You're emotionally constipated Dean. Don't argue with me.
DEAN: Whatever bitch.
SAM: Jerk.
GABRIEL: *Squeals* I love it when they do that.
LUCI: I know. Me too!
GOD: Alright… is everyone here? Bobby?
BOBBY: Samuel Winchester, if I wasn't in this damned chair I would throttle you.
GOD: Thank you Bobby. Chuck?
CHUCK: Oh god… make it stop… make it stop!
DEAN: … Chuck? What are you doing? You look like you're pooping.
GABRIEL: *snickers*
BOBBY: Uhhh….
LUCI: What's going on?
CHUCK: Please!
DEAN: Sounds like he's begging for whatever it is… hehe… get it Sammy?
SAM: Shut up Dean.
GOD: Nice to see you as well prophet. Michael? Castiel?
MICHAEL: Lucifer! Stop touching me.
LUCI: But! But Mikey! I haven't seen you! And we have… well… catching up to do.
CASTIEL:… hello father.
MICHAEL: Yes, hello father. Luci has missed you.
LUCI: Yeah! Daddy!
GABRIEL: What about me?! I missed you too!
LUCI: I missed him more!
GABRIEL: Nuh-uh!
LUCI: Uh-huh!
GABRIEL: Michael! He's lying!
LUCI: Daddy! He's sinning!
GOD: And this is why I left.
DEAN: For being a dick…. I like you.
GOD: I appreciate your compliment Dean Winchester. Alright… that's everyone. The Winchesters, Mr. Singer, my garrison's most troubled, and the prophet.
CHUCK: Nononono! Not the grapes!
SAM: Chuck?
DEAN: Grapes?
GABRIEL: Hehe…
LUCI: I'm hungry.
CHUCK: When did Sam get here? No! Don't invite him- oh… ewwww…
SAM: Do I want to know?
DEAN: I don't.
LUCI: I do!…... Ewwww! Chuck! Where did that come from?
GABRIEL: *snickers*
MICHAEL: Gabriel, what did you do to the prophet?
GABRIEL: Nothing!
GOD: Gabriel. It is a sin to lie.
GABRIEL:… fine… I put Wincestiel porn on for him.
CASTIEL: Hmm?
GABRIEL: Wincestiel Cassy. Not Castiel. But… you are part of it, a very… big part.
DEAN: Win-cest-iel…?
SAM: That's disgusting.
DEAN: What is it?!
SAM: Just listen. Win. Cest. Tiel.
DEAN:…. I still don't get… wait…
GABRIEL: Go on Deano you can do it!
SAM: I feel bad for Chuck.
CHUCK: SAM! SHUT UP! CAS! What is that? Whip cream? … EWWWW! Dean!
DEAN:…
SAM:…
CASTIEL:…
SAM: Get it Dean?
DEAN: All good.
SAM: Now, shut it off Gabriel. God wants to talk with us.
GABRIEL: *sighs* Fine.
CHUCK: My eyes!… Oh… god… it's over….. Dean! You're wearing clothes! And Sam too! And Cas! Oh man I have never been this grossed out to see someone yet so very very happy. You're wearing clothes!
DEAN: Sam! It's touching me!
SAM: Chuck's hugging me too, Dean. Relax.
CASTIEL: I don't understand.
GOD: Good to have you with us prophet.
CHUCK: P-prophet? Who are you?
GOD: I am your maker.
CHUCK: Ha! You're funny! My parents left me a long time ago.
GABRIEL: No, Chuck… that's my daddy.
LUCI: Mine too!
GABRIEL: More mine than yours!
CHUCK: That's God?
LUCI: Nuh-uh!
GABRIEL: Uh-huh!
CHUCK: What?
MICHAEL: I will not hesitate to banish you both back to your respectable homes.
GABRIEL: Damn straight my home is respectable.
LUCI: So's mine!
CHUCK: Wait… is that God or what?
GABRIEL: Nuh-uh!
LUCI: Uh-huh!
DEAN: Saaaaaaammmmm… shut them up!
LUCI: Sammy!
DEAN: Hey! He's my Sammy. You don't get to call him that!
LUCI: Psh, I can call him that if I want to!
GABRIEL: Hey chuck, want any popcorn?
CHUCK: Where did that come from?
DEAN: I don't know who you think you are-
GABRIEL: I'm a trickster-person. 'Member, prophet?
SAM: I can take care of my own problems Dean.
DEAN: No you can't Sam!
SAM: This is why I brought you…
LUCI: So… I can call you Sammy?
SAM: Hell-
DEAN: Don't answer him Sammy! He's just the devil. You don't have to answer to him.
LUCI: Ooh, feisty ain't we? I like you feisty humans.
DEAN: Stay away Mr. Touchy-feely. I've got my own angel to touch me.
SAM: ….That sounded horrible Dean.
DEAN: ….Yup… it did.
BOBBY: I'm not affiliated with any of you.
LUCI: hehe… touch you…
DEAN: Shut up. You're just jealous.
LUCI: Puh-lease! I betcha anything, Sam's better in bed than Cas will ever be.
DEAN: Who made you the judge of that?
LUCI: Well, I've had my feel of both, but would you rather judge?
BOBBY: Nuh-uh. The angel sex was bad enough.
DEAN: Ew! No! With Sammy?
LUCI: You are the only one who gets to call him that… and I mean… Mikey and I we're your vessels and well… as it is in Heaven/Hell/Purgatory so it must be on Earth. Hehe….
DEAN: So… what happened in Heaven/Hell/Purgatory?
LUCI: Well… this one night… before all this drama, Mikey decided to go splurge. He went up into the sky and like ate a star or something… apparently it makes him "angel high". And so then when he came back he got Cas and Gabriel and I and we all had a very fun night.
MICHAEL: We agreed to never speak of that in public!
LUCI: Oops.
DEAN: Ew! That's sick. Cas! Did that really happen?
BOBBY: Sam… you do realize they're kinda talking about you.
SAM: … I'm not getting involved.
CASTIEL: I believe we were all brought here to discuss our issues, not bicker like imbeciles.
LUCI: He talks!
GABRIEL: He already talked Luci. C'mon, pay attention.
LUCI: But… but… but…
GOD: Let's begin. Who would like to start?
BOBBY: I wanna-
GOD: Thank you Bobby. How kind of you to volunteer.
BOBBY: Uhh… yeah… sure… I wanna get out of this goddam-
MICHAEL: Bobby…
BOBBY: What?!
MICHAEL: *whispers* Do not take our Father's name in vain.
GOD: What he said.
BOBBY: I apologize… Now. I wanna get out of this… damn…chair. I hate this whole… handicapped thing. Like Boys! Stop being ignant girls and push my damn chair!
SAM: Oh, Bobby! I didn't know that's how you felt!
DEAN: Right? Sorry man.
GOD: I knew this support group thing was a good idea.
BOBBY: I wasn't effing finished! You idjits are always effing interrupting me when I'm trying to tell a damn story!
SAM:….
DEAN:….
GOD:….
LUCI: DAAAAAAAMNNNNNN…
SAM:….
DEAN:…
GOD:…
BOBBY: As I was saying… Those idjits walk around thinkin' they're gonna be the next John Winchester! Ha! As if! Those boys can barely take care of each other!
DEAN: You bastard! Leave our Dad out of this!
SAM: Relax dude. We don't want to be like Dad. Don't worry about it.
BOBBY: That's right Sam, keep a leash on that crazy older brother of yours.
SAM: He needs a leash?
CHUCK: Well… according to my visions-
SAM: Shut up Chuck!
BOBBY: Yeah… I don't think anyone wants to hear about that…
GABRIEL: I beg to differ. If any of ya'll could see Dean's thought process… wooh! Well… that'd be a different story.
DEAN: Get outta my head!
GABRIEL: Can't help myself. It's a guilty pleasure.
DEAN: Spying on other people's thoughts?
GABRIEL: Nope! Just yours.
DEAN: You are just… creepy.
GABRIEL: I like to think of myself as, well, hilarious.
DEAN: Whatever makes you happy.
GABRIEL: Really? Soo… you and Cas wanna join me in my room tonight?
SAM: What are we even talking about?
DEAN: That's nasty!
GABRIEL: Not as bad as Wincestiel.
DEAN:….
SAM:…
CASTIEL:….
DEAN:….
SAM:…
CASTIEL:…..
BOBBY: Well… I love those boys nonetheless. Even if they are a pain in my ass.
LUCI: That… that… was so… stupid!
GABRIEL: Damn Luc! Way to be harsh!
LUCI: What? It was.
BOBBY:… thanks.
LUCI: Anytime!
GOD: Who wants to go next?
LUCI: I do! I do!
GOD: Anybody?
LUCI: ME! Daddy! Look! I'm raising my hand nicely!
GOD: Anyone?
GABRIEL: Hey, Daddy! Look, Luci's got his hand up!
GOD: …..Yes Lucifer?
LUCI: Well… I want to talk about… how betrayed I felt when my brother, my best friend, my hero, my-
MICHAEL: *coughs* Your brother. We get the point.
LUCI: Yes, you're right Michael. How betrayed I felt when my brother, cast me into the pit! Without a second glance!
MICHAEL: Dad told me to!
LUCI: So? You're supposed to love me!
MICHAEL: But I do Lucifer!
LUCI: No you don't.
MICHAEL: Yes I do. C'mon Lucifer….. I had to….. put someone I trusted in charge down here. I figured you would be up to the challenge….You do it splendidly too!
LUCI: Really?
MICHAEL:… Really.
LUCI: Awwww! Mikey!
MICHAEL: That's enough Luci… Lucifer… Let go of me. Lucifer!
LUCI: Ooops. Yeah… that's right. You're still… *whispers loudly* under the rainbow.
MICHAEL: Lucifer!
LUCI: What?
GABRIEL:…
DEAN:…
SAM:…..
BOBBY:….
CHUCK:….
GABRIEL: …Noo way!
LUCI: Yes way!
DEAN: No/yes way what?
SAM: Shut up! I'm trying to pay attention. This is so much better than Dr. Sexy MD.
DEAN: Oh no you don't. Don't you dare insult Dr. Sexy MD. That is my favorite show. Ever. And I mean seriously, who can argue with Dr. Sexy/Cancer Patient Bill? I mean, it's just the most adorable slash ever!
SAM: Shut up. This is way more soap-opera-y.
GABRIEL: Are you really?
DEAN: What's going on?
SAM: Shut up! Chuck! Pass the popcorn.
MICHAEL:…..well…
GABRIEL: HOLY SAINT FRANCIS!
MICHAEL: What does he have to do with anything?
GABRIEL: You… you're… aw, man, this is rich!
DEAN: Sam… what's going on?
SAM: *Sighs* Well… Michael's being confronted about his sexuality.
DEAN: Oh.
SAM: Yeah. Speaking of which. How's Cas?
DEAN: Shut up Bitch.
SAM: Jerk.
GABRIEL: So, you're gay? Does Dad know?
MICHAEL: Thank you brothers for your obvious lack of…. Understanding… but I believe it is Dean's turn.
DEAN: What?
SAM: Go.
DEAN: I've got no complaints.
GABRIEL: Liar!
DEAN: Says who?
GABRIEL: Your thoughts!
DEAN:….
GABRIEL: Ha.
DEAN: Fine.
GOD: Thank you Dean.
DEAN: Whatever man- I mean… your godliness…uhh…
GABRIEL: *snickers*
DEAN: Shut up!
GABRIEL: Make me.
DEAN: I'm gonna punch you so hard-
CASTIEL: Dean.
DEAN: *Stares at Castiel*
CASTIEL: *Stares at Dean*
SAM: Not again…
LUCI:… what are they doing?
GABRIEL: Ya know… Dean has really pretty eyes…
BOBBY: I don't even know why I'm still here.
MICHAEL: Is this beneficial?
GOD: Awww… profound bonds are just… mmmm…
SAM: The hell?
LUCI:…. Are they gonna kiss?
CHUCK: I know! This happens all the time. They're having a mental conversation about having sex later. Although judging by Cas's hair they already dealt with that once today.
GABRIEL: The hell?
MICHAEL: I agree with Gabriel.
CASTIEL: *Stares at Dean*
DEAN: *Stares at Castiel*
CHUCK: Watch! Watch! Watch Cas's neck. He blushes all pink and adorable after like thirty seconds. And Dean's hands start twitching, and his ears get all red!
SAM: Porn-addict.
LUCI:… what's wrong with them?
CHUCK: Not my fault I get visions of them having sex. And everything else… *shudders*
SAM: I don't even want to know.
CHUCK: No… you don't… it's horrible… it scars you.
MICHAEL: Uh… what are we supposed to do?
CHUCK: I don't know. They haven't had one like this in a long time.
GABRIEL: You slap them upside their big-ass cocky faced heads! Like this!
DEAN: OW!
CASTIEL: Gabriel, I do not understand why you insist on hurting me intentionally.
GABRIEL: You know I love you.
CASTIEL: Of course.
GOD: Who's turn was it?
LUCI: DEANS!
GOD: Oh… yes… Dean!
DEAN: Well… I don't even know what I'm supposed to talk about.
SAM: I've got faith in you Dean! Just let your feelings pour out! I know you have that little girl screaming inside you who's just dying to tell us-
DEAN: I just want you to shut your effing pie hole! Damn! That's all I want sometimes Sam. Just a minute where you're not like, "Dean! Talk to me!" or "Dean! Trust me! I trust you!" or "It's just a lot Dean. I just want a normal life! Ugh! I'm girly, but won't admit to being gay! Ugh. Ugh. Ugh!" You just piss me off! Seriously. What the hell. You just won't leave me alone for one second. "Can I trust you? Ugh!" I mean seriously. Who effing says crap like that? Hmm? A bitch. That's right. Guess who's a bitch!
LUCI: Ooooh! I think I know…
DEAN: I… was… Lucifer… I was being rhe-
LUCI: CAS!
CASTIEL: Yes brother?
LUCI: Are you a bitch?
CASTIEL: *cue head tilt* A female dog?
LUCI:…... Yeah?
CASTIEL: No.
LUCI: Okay! I don't know who it is Dean.
BOBBY: If only I could kill a fallen-thrown-out-of-heaven-ex-archangel.
GABRIEL: If only…
LUCI: Gabriel? I thought you loved me!
GABRIEL: I do! I was… kidding.
LUCI: Alrighty! Just making sure. Now, Dean, who was it?
DEAN: It was Sam.
SAM: I knew it!
DEAN: Shut up.
SAM:…sorry.
BOBBY: That's an abusive relationship for you guys.
MICHAEL: I did not understand that both my brother and the younger Winchester were having relations with Dean.
CHUCK: Michael…
DEAN: The hell?!
SAM: WHAT?!
CASTIEL:…..
CHUCK: It's only the angel… if anyone's actually listening to me.
DEAN: I'm not- with Sammy- that'd be-
SAM: Wrong?
DEAN: Exactly! And gross! I mean seriously think about having to deal with all the mooseish antics! Ugh!
SAM: Excuse me?
CROWLEY: Yes, you're a moose.
DEAN: Where did you come from?! I swear, if one more person just zaps their way in-
ANNA: Hello Dean.
DEAN: Son of a- Anna?
ANNA: I've come to steal you away from Castiel… again!
DEAN:…. Uhhh… You do realize we're sorta… together?
ANNA: I understand. I don't think it matters. At least not to you.
DEAN: Of course it matters!
CASTIEL: Anna…
ANNA: Yes Castiel?
CASTIEL: You little slimy bitch. *Enter big Enochian speech with many racial slurs against gingers and how she needs to keep her filthy hands off of his Dean, because it all belongs to him and he won't let it stand for anyone but him to touch Dean intimately anymore. And that's about it*
DEAN:…
SAM:…
ANNA:…..
GABRIEL:…
GOD:…..
CHUCK:…..
CROWLEY:…..
BOBBY:…
MICHAEL:…..
LUCIFER: DAAAAAAAAAMNNNNNNN Cas! You tell her!
CASTIEL:….. I'm finished.
ANNA:…. I'll just leave….
DEAN: Aw, Cas, why'd you make her leave? I mean, yeah, I get it, whole jealousy thing, but, seriously… that was a little deep….
CASTIEL: I have done millions upon millions more for you than she has. She has no right.
DEAN: Yeah Dude I got that. Just-
GABRIEL: Awwww! They're kissing!
SAM: My eyes!
CHUCK: Oh C'mon Sam! This isn't half-bad. It's actually kinda adorable.
LUCIFER: Is that Cas's tongue?
MICHAEL: Lucifer, you're looking too close again. Back up.
BOBBY: Someone needs to get them a room before- Balls! The trench-coats already coming off. Damn. I was gonna have some of that heaven coffee.
CROWLEY: If you mean me by Heaven Coffee, because I'm just as sweet as heaven, but bitter like Hell… well, then I suggest we get a room Bobby Singer.
BOBBY: Ew.
GABRIEL: Awww! Sammy! Don't be like that! Can I kiss you? I mean look Dean and Cas are obviously- I did not need to see that Dean.
DEAN: F.U.
GABRIEL: Gladly! But, it seems Castiel's got you a bit preoccupied, hmm?
LUCIFER: It's a make out party! Mikey! The big scary Devil's mouth is gonna eat you!
MICHAEL: Bite me- Oww! Not really!
LUCIFER: Woops.
GOD: Uhhhh….. I'm gonna…. leave….
END OF CHAPTER!
Review! I might continue… If you guys want. I know… not great, but gimme a break. First Crack!fic. It's bound to suck at least a little.