The Outsider

Pairing: Leo/Mikey/Don, Raph/By Himself Rating: R

Summary: How does one cope with being an Outsider of your own family?

For Raph, it's simple. His family is happy: So Deal With It.

Sleep.

Sometimes I wonder why it is that I can sleep so much bettah on a hammock than a regular bed. Maybe it's cause...sometimes it feels like I'm falling.

Pretty cliche, eh? But sometimes the dreams get a little bit, eh, rocky is probably the best way to describe it.

And a bit scary...

Yeah, I know. I'm supposed to be the 'turtle that ain't afraid of nothin' and such. But sometimes, the dreams get to be a bit too damn real for me, and it feels like I'm gonna fall into some big, black pit that I'll never get out of, so I'll be rolling my ass off of the bed and cursin' like a sailor 'cause of it.

But the hammock, it's kinda like a cocoon, ya know?

I close my eyes again, remember bits of the dream that just erupted throughout my head.

'No! Raphie don't, please! Wait, Wait!'

'Raphael! Have you lost your mind?'

I could feel a piece of pipe in my hands, blue eyes staring up at me in fear, strong arms from 'Fearless' holding my right arm back, only this time I can feel...

Fluid, wet fluid across my hands, across my face. It's red.

It's fucking red!

A gasp of air escapes me as I lean over my hammock, trying ta take deep breaths. Ain't workin, like usual.

This 'cocoon' of mine ain't workin' right now, as I tumble myself out of the hammock and race outta my room, towards the bathroom. After closing and locking the damn door, I turn on a light and look at myself.

Nothin'. No blood, not on my face and not on my hands. As I turn on the faucet, I can't help but splash some water across my face and over my arms. It's like I can feel that damn blood all over me. Mikey's blood.

But he was safe! Leo stopped me...Leo stopped me.

"Why the fuck did HE haveta stop me, huh? Ya couldn't stop, ya bastard. Couldn't stop before, couldn't stop during. Why asshole? Why?"

I couldn't help but chuckle softly, at least for a bit. Here I am, tryin' to intimidate my own fuckin' reflection. But the chuckle dies down, and I just stare at myself.

I wanna punch it. I wanna punch this fuckin' mirror so much. But, it's just be another thing for Donnie ta fix, for Leo to ask question about, for Mikey to worry.

Don't deserve the worry. Don't deserve pity or any other stuff you'd call that.

The grip on the sink is making my fingers turn red, as I can't help but stare at my eyes in the mirror. Sometimes, with the bendin' of the light or whatnot, it's almost like their black.

Like a shark, waitin for prey. Waitin for blood.

"God damnit, what the hell's wrong with me..."

I already knew the answer, so why ask the question. This wasn't the first time this sort of thing happened, in the middle of the night.

It's why a lot of times, I would rather just go out and bust some heads. Take it out on some damn punks, and get so tired I just zonk out and my head don't even try to dream.

Cause if not, I can get nights like this. Or worse. A lot worse.

Shakin' my head, I just had to look at somethin'. Sorta make sure of something, so to speak. I ease out of the bathroom and slowly check out my brothers' rooms.

There was nothing in Leo's rooms. Candles, mats, but no Leo. Donnie's room was a no go. Would need a damn tank to get through that door. Donnie soundproofed the thing a long while ago.

I already figured why he did that for...

So last, but not least, was Mikey's room. Edging the door as quietly as possible, I figured on what I would see, and I was pretty much on the mark.

There was Mikey, in his own little cocoon. Leo was on the right, and Donnie was on da left.

But what grabbed my sight was the smiles on all three of them. They were safe, sleeping soundly and comfortably.

That's good. I really am glad for dat.

Easing the door back, I grab a beer from the fridge and head back to my room, easing my shell onto the hammock once again.

The beer's not too bad. Despite what Casey wants ta do, I also liked to sip this stuff. The liquid would ease down my throat, through my body, and settle there...it was nice.

Kinda like a warmth. Warmth, that'd be nice.

I knew about those guys for a while now. It had started with Leo and Don. Looks, touches, and other shit that made it plain as day to me. It went on for about, what was it? Maybe a month?

I figured they didn't need no one bustin' into their party. If they tell us? Cool. When you're a turtle livin' in disease infested waters, tryin' to protect people who could easily just send ya off to a lab to cut you into pieces, and the lack of turtle babes around the corner, then fuck it. why not be happy?

Why couldn't THEY be happy...besides. Ain't like I haven't thought about it. I could admit, if I had first thoughts or feelings or whatever you wanted to call it, it was probably Mikey.

Yeah, the little nutball could annoy me. But the kid was somethin' pretty damn special. Like a sunshine spot in this crapfest called the sewers. The kid's got some soft skin to him, and the baby face on the guy is pretty damn cute. And those blue eyes are his, it's kinda easy to get lost in them. Lot of times I could say his voice annoys me, but not in the way they think.

It's because I'd rather hear other stuff come out of that voice of Mikey's. And it's so temptin', so...*huffs*' fuckin' shit.

But Leo and Don, they got their stuff too.

Yeah, I wouldn't think I could think of Leo like dat. We argue, we fight.

Fight. Fightin'. More like I'm the one doing that.

I shake my head and take another sip of the beer, as that warmth eases down my throat once again.

But hell, Leo's got some nice stuff to him. Despite all the shit I give to him, the guy knows what he's doing. Good fighter, strong body, nice scent from those candles that he always uses.

And Donnie? Sweet guy, hot thighs, and nice hands. Hands that could do who knows what. And the guy's willing ta patch me up whenever I get hurt, or fix stuff I break.

Fixin' stuff...always havin' to fix me. Always needing to fix me.

"Shit, man." I just had to sip a bit more, beer's not too bad.

But yeah, Leo and Don had been together for about a month. Although they figured we didn't know about it. Then one day I saw the two of them in front of Mikey's door.

It was late at night, I had just come back from up top. Letting off some steam, and usual business like that. I couldn't really hear what they were saying, but I could see the look on their faces.

Damn knucklehead's noggin' was shaking up and down so much, he looked like one of those Bobble Heads. Plus the kid's grin was splitting pretty damn big and wide.

Leo and Don seemed to share the same look, and with some movements Mikey led Leo and Don into his bedroom.

I'm not a genius...leave that to the brainiac or even Fearless. Although try to bet if I'd ever admit that to the guy's face. But I could take a good guess.

Leo and Don were together a month. They wanted Mikey, so they talked to him. Kid says yes, they have fun, and that was...how long ago was that? Two months?

Yeah, that was two months ago. I can't really blame Leo and Don, if I was with one or the other, why not invite Mikey to da party?

I could feel the hammock swinging a bit, back and forth. It was a nice feeling.

There were parts of me that thought I should just go up to them, say somthin', and see what happens next.

Would they want me to join? Or would I be part of some 'pity party'? Maybe they thought I'd hate them if I found out they were sleeping with each other, let alone gay.

Don't they trust me though? Wouldn't Mikey maybe want to come by and ask, or say something?

On the other hand, why the hell would they? To be honest, I wouldn't blame them.

It's just the four of us in the lair now. Sensei's on vacation in Japan. Casey & April too. Well, not in Japan, but they took a long vacation as well. None would be back for at least a couple months.

But yeah, it's not like I'd be the right 'material' for them.

Oh, hey Mikey, remember the time I almost split yer brains open and Leo had to save ya? Ah yeah, those were good times. And Leo, how bout another fight. What other stupid shit can I say ta piss ya off this time?

Oh, by the way Donnie, got another scratch. Forget the shit you've been busy with for hours and hours to fix little ole me.

The funny thing is, if I try to do something about it I'd get funny looks.

'Hey, you alright? Hey, how come you're not angry? Are you sick?'

Being alone? Yeah, it can suck. Knowing that you deserve it? Yeah, even more so. It's not Leo's fault. Or Don's or Mikey's. It's yer own.

The thing is, I don't want some pity shit. Leo could go into the whole 'well, we'll have to let you in because it'll tear the team apart if we don't'. Donnie's too damn nice to say no.

And Mikey? The kid actually said he forgave me for that 'pipe' thing. I don't buy it. Well, that's not true.

I just don't wanna buy it. The kid ain't got the reason to forgive me for that shit. It's not like I was controlled by some damn 'mind-controlly-thing', or drugged up, or forced at gunpoint.

It was me. All me. And knowing Mikey, the kid would just agree with "sure, let Raph join in."

But then, what's the damn point if it ain't really a choice? I don't wanna be some damn compromise, some bargaining chip of 'all or nothing'...

I don't want their pity. Well, more like I don't deserve their pity. Yeah, some nights my blankets or sheets that I'll put over myself will get soaked at the thought of any of my brothers, or hell, sometimes thinking of all three of dem at the same time.

But Leo and Don were together for one month, and now two months with Mikey. So three months, and nothing.

But I ain't gonna say anything. How can you tell three people ya love that you have dreams of blood and death? Three people that you either ignore, or yell, or fight, or almost kill.

They deserve happiness. Ignorance is the best way. If they think I don't know, then there won't be any pity.

No 'Oh poor Raphie' and such. I don't got much to offer anyway that they don't already have. So what the hell would I be able to bring to the table?

The least I can do is try to act nicer, act better. Not too much, so they get any ideas of me 'knowin' about them.

The fact is they don't want me in that way. And to be honest...I can't really blame them for that. Again, why the hell would they? An energetic goofball like Mikey with a pretty fuckin' big heart, a soft & caring type of guy like Donnie-boy, and ole Fearless himself...which honestly, he's the type of guy whose got his head on straight.

And it's not in that whole 'oh how dare they. Leo, Mikey, Don, ya bastards, how dare you' blah, blah, blah bullshit kind of way.

That's not what I want at all. Me going "It's not Fair" like an emo kid.

That's the thing. It IS fair. Mikey...Leo...Donnie. They've put up with a lot of shit in life. Especially from me.

Let them be happy. I want them to be happy. And the thing is, me not being in their way, with THAT kind of business...it IS the way to make them happy. They don't need to feel bad by saying No and stuff. Guilt's the last thing those guys' need. And like I already said!

I don't deserve that 'pity' shit from them! Not for a god damn monster who could...I mean I...Shit!

I couldn't help but chuckle again, here I am getting angry in my own damn hammock. But I quiet down pretty quickly, and just think. And think. And think.

I couldn't help but look over my hammock. Although it was dark, I could just feel where my sais were at.

I'm gonna watch their backs. Make sure they keep what the three of them have going. No matter what it takes.

I squeeze the bottle in my hand.

Someone once said, 'When you're pushed, killin's as easy as breathin'.'

The Foot. Purple Dragons. Whoever and whatever. I'm gonna make sure those three get to enjoy each other, somethin' people up top take too damn much advantage of...and God Fucking help anyone that tries to harm them. Cause I'll sure as fuck take care of that problem.

Any. way. Possible.

I could almost see my sais, picturing them across the way, as I set my bottle down and ease my head back.

No matter what, my three brothers will be happy! And they'll be safe, whether it be from the outside world or...

...From Me.

I ease my eyes shut, as all I wanna think about now is Sleep.

Sleep.