Trouble With Horoscopes
By: Tamayo
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, I never said I did. Moron.
Warnings: Horoscope bashing. Relena bashing. Deathficcy but not sad, no worries. Everyone bashing. No pairings. Weird, OOCish, intended humour(so take nothing seriously!)
Author's Note: I have a friend who doesn't like yaoi and since I wrote this fic in hopes he would read it, this fic shall not be yaoi. Sorry. And if you believe in horoscopes, I am very sorry, but I just don't hold with those things and this is my fic about 'em. So tough luck, don't read if you don't like.
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Duo cheerfully read the morning paper's comic section. Laughing at one stupid thing or another in one of the comic strips, he was about to turn the page when the inevitable happened: the newspaper slipped from his hand and onto the floor.
Shrugging, Duo began to pick up the pages of his precious comic section when his eyes fell upon a column labeled 'Madame Imabigphony's Daily Horoscopes'. Only slightly interested, as he didn't believe in such things, his eyes flicked down to the prediction written beneath his sign. This is what he read:
'Your day, though it starts good, will be filled with unlucky occurrences, starting with an unwanted and unwelcome visitor, followed by the loss of the dearest thing in your left pocket. Don't forget that throughout the day, a frequent fall of pianos shall never fail to land on your head.'
"Hah! Quatre, c'mere and read this! It's funnier than the comics section!" yelled Duo.
"Coming…" came Quatre's voice from the kitchen. A minute later he stepped into the living room. He was wearing a pink Hello Kitty apron, pink rubber gloves, and a white bandanna holding back his bangs.
"Alright, what is it, Duo?" questioned Quatre politely as he walked over and sat beside Duo on the couch. Duo handed him the horoscopes section.
"Read yours, Quatre! Mine was hilarious!" laughed Duo.
"Alright. Here, it says 'You're going to have a rare lover's spat, although not until an annoying and unwelcome visitor stops in. You will make friends with someone whom no one else can, but when you introduce your new friend you will be taken away. BEWARE THE GREEN PACKAGE LABELED 'Tetley's'!" Quatre read aloud. The two began laughing really hard.
"Oh, yeah, I'm having a visitor too, but no lovers spat, instead I've got to beware of falling pianos!" snorted Duo. The two friends erupted into laughter once again. They were laughing so hard they couldn't hear someone approaching from behind them.
"What unjust garbage are you reading now, Maxwell?" asked a voice from behind them. Duo and Quatre turned to face Wufei Chang, grins upon their fair faces.
"Oh, just 'Madame Imabigphony's Daily Horoscopes', Wu-wu. Care to read yours?" Duo held out the paper to Wufei. He grinned up at Wufei. Wufei, however, did not push it away or anything of the sort. Quite the contrary, his face overcame a change.
Wufei's normal 'I'm Superior Because I've Got a Metal Rod Up My Ass' look changed to one of reverence. His eyes went all sparkly and he smiled as though he was a six year old being given his favorite treat. Then he snatched the paper away from Duo's grasp.
Duo glanced to Quatre curiously, but Quatre only shrugged. Then they both turned back to Wufei.
"Wh-what?!? It says I-I'm going to die of lung cancer! I don't even have lung cancer!" yelped a surprised Wufei. Duo rolled off the couch laughing so hard he couldn't breathe.
"So, Wufei? Mine says I'm going to have a lovers spat and I don't even have a girlfriend!" laughed Quatre. Wufei looked indignant.
"Don't you dare insult Madame Imabigphony! She's always right!" barked Wufei angrily.
Duo just laughed harder, and Quatre smiled pityingly at Wufei.
"Wufei, d'you really think you're going to die of lung cancer?" inquired Quatre softly. Wufei's face got red and his eyes narrowed.
"Quatre! Of course I do! Madame Imabigphony is never wrong! Oh my! I need to set up funeral dates and write my will! All in one day! I've got to go, Quatre!" And with that, Wufei ran off. Quatre sweatdropped.
"Alllrighty then… Duo, why don't you go ask Trowa and Heero to stop Wufei from getting all worked up over some fraud's stupid predictions. I've got housework to finish!" said Quatre, and he walked back into the kitchen.
Duo ran upstairs with the horoscope paper once again clutched in his hand. But he had no intention of asking them to talk Wufei out of it. He was more interested in seeing what that 'fraud's stupid predictions' had to say about them.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Hey Heero! What's your sign?" Duo asked as he ran into Heero's room. It was neat, tidy, and bland. Heero was in one corner, at a desk, working on his laptop. He turned to glare at Duo before continuing to work.
"Go away."
"Silly, that's no sign! C'mon, there are these really funny horoscopes and I bet yours is the best one!" Duo pleaded. Heero did not look at him. 'Funny' was a lost cause with Heero.
"Fine! Be that way! Obviously everyone else in the house can do it, but you wouldn't have time to read yours. After all, you're the perfect- oh wait! If you're the perfect soldier, you should be able to read a simple horoscope! Everyone else did! Does that mean Heero's not perfect? Does that mean-GAK!" Duo choked as Heero pinned him against the wall with one arm, and snatched the paper from his hand.
Heero's glare probably could've set the paper on fire, had Duo not snatched it back in time. Heero turned to glare at Duo, but did not hurt him. Instead he let Duo's throat go and he sat down. Duo turned his gaze to the small prediction he has seen Heero reading.
It read 'Your day will first be interrupted by an annoying friend, and then an annoying enemy. After that, everything will be normal until something terrible happens, and you lose two of your friends. One to men in white suits, and the other to something terrible.' Duo blinked.
"Aww, even Hee-chan's horoscope is boring. See ya later, Heero!" And with this parting comment, Duo leapt out the door and down the hallway to the library, where he found Trowa reading. He stuffed the horoscope section between Trowa's face and the book, simply saying,
"Read yours to me!" Trowa blinked and calmly read aloud,
"Your day shall be perfectly normal. Although many interruptions try in vain to spoil the peace, you shall not even comprehend what they mean until tomorrow. Now go away Duo"
"WOW! IT SAID MY NAME?!?" gasped Duo in surprise. Trowa rolled his eyes and kicked Duo out of the library.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Duo had volunteered to help Quatre with the shopping, and Quatre had agreed. Duo stuck his wallet in his left pocket and headed out with Quatre. They were walking to the grocers (against Duo's judgment) because Quatre said driving would pollute the air and for that reason he avoided driving as much as possible. Duo just rolled his eyes and agreed.
As they were walking out the door, but just as they did a pink limousine rolled up. Out jumped Relena Peacecraft, Stalker Extraordinaire. She smiled happily at them.
"Hiyeeee, Duoooo, Quatraaaaaa!" she greeted in a high-pitched voice, which shattered her limousine's windows. "OoOoOoP-sies! And I just had those replaced, too! Oohh well! Where's Heeeeeeeerooooooo???"
From inside, there was a scream and then many crashes.
Duo blinked. "Uhhh, he's not here, Relena," Quatre nodded vigorously. She looked disappointed and left without saying anything else. Her pink limousine zoomed off.
Duo and Quatre then began to walk off.
Halfway to the grocers, Duo felt a shadow fall on him. He glanced up at the sky, and suddenly a huge piano landed on him. Quatre looked at the piano for a second before passing out.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Hours later…
Quatre woke up. Next to him, where Duo and one piano should have been, there was a huge pile of pianos. As he blinked, another one fell upon the already big pile. It was evening, and passers by stared at them. Quatre blinked. Then he stood up and pushed the pile of pianos off Duo, slung Duo over his back, and walked home, feeling very, very confused. As he walked home, he thought of nothing more than a nice cup of green tea.
As Quatre arrived, things looked very dark. Relena was tied to a burnt tree on the front lawn. She was burnt black, too. An ambulance was pulled up at the front lawn, and a bunch of men were wheeling out a stretcher with a covered body on it.
"What's going on?" Quatre asked one man. The man looked at him.
"Mr. Wufei Chang just died of lung cancer. Strangest case we ever saw; he's not even on file for having lung cancer…" explained the man. Quatre's jaw dropped.
"The horoscopes!" he cried, and then ran into the house. Inside, the mayhem was less.
Heero was holding a handful of matches, laughing maniacally. Trowa was reading calmly. And no one looked up when they entered. Quatre flung Duo down, and went to make some green tea. He put some water in the kettle to boil. A minute or two later, when the kettle whistled, he poured it into a china teacup and quickly grabbed a little green packet. He opened it and took out a teabag, placing it in the water. The smell of steaming green tea reached his nose as he pondered the events of the day, stirring the teabag around as well.
Suddenly, a thought struck him. 'Beware the green package labeled 'Tetley's'. He grabbed the empty package. Across one corner to the other, it said in neat, white printing: "Tetley's". Quatre screamed and flung it into the blender. He grabbed his tea and rushed from the room as the blender ate it up. He sat down quietly in the sitting room, and took a sip of tea.
"Mr. Teacup, it's not my fault things are turning out this way!" complained Quatre as he took another sip. The teacup did not respond. "Mr. Teacup, why does this stuff always happen to me? I'm an innocent"-sip- "bystander!" Sip Sip.
Quatre continued to rant and rave to his teacup. It ended with him saying 'Mr. Teacup, you're my best friend.'
Quatre rushed into the living room after he finished his tea. He yelled at his friends. Duo, Heero, and Trowa all looked at him. He held up 'Mr. Teacup'.
"Hey everyone! I want you to meet… MR. TEACUP!" he yelled, and with flourish, he drained the very last drop from the cup. Duo jumped up and ran into the kitchen. He picked up the phone and dialed a phone number.
"Hello? Is this '1-800-Mental-Help-Please? Yes. I've got a patient for you. Under a lot of stress today. The address is… oh hell; you know where the Winner Estate is? Yes well I live at the Winner Estate. Get here immedi-WAUGH!" Duo's demand for quick service was cut off by the sound of a crashing piano. From the phone which was hanging, off the hook, a small voice could be heard saying 'Hello? Hello? Okay, we'll be right there!'. As the phone hung up, another piano fell on Duo.
Da End (For now!)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Hey there! What did you think? Please R&R! I already am planning a sequel, but I'd prefer if you guys encouraged the idea ^_^. Stupid & pointless, but that's my specialty. Horoscopes that are crazy & true O_o! I know there are some things I missed, but they shall be covered in the sequel. And no, no one mourn for Wu-wu cause I wouldn't let him stay dead. He's too precious. Muahahaha. PLEASE review! I love reviewers! Y'all come back, now, y'hear?!?
Catch ya later! ^_^!
By: Tamayo
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, I never said I did. Moron.
Warnings: Horoscope bashing. Relena bashing. Deathficcy but not sad, no worries. Everyone bashing. No pairings. Weird, OOCish, intended humour(so take nothing seriously!)
Author's Note: I have a friend who doesn't like yaoi and since I wrote this fic in hopes he would read it, this fic shall not be yaoi. Sorry. And if you believe in horoscopes, I am very sorry, but I just don't hold with those things and this is my fic about 'em. So tough luck, don't read if you don't like.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Duo cheerfully read the morning paper's comic section. Laughing at one stupid thing or another in one of the comic strips, he was about to turn the page when the inevitable happened: the newspaper slipped from his hand and onto the floor.
Shrugging, Duo began to pick up the pages of his precious comic section when his eyes fell upon a column labeled 'Madame Imabigphony's Daily Horoscopes'. Only slightly interested, as he didn't believe in such things, his eyes flicked down to the prediction written beneath his sign. This is what he read:
'Your day, though it starts good, will be filled with unlucky occurrences, starting with an unwanted and unwelcome visitor, followed by the loss of the dearest thing in your left pocket. Don't forget that throughout the day, a frequent fall of pianos shall never fail to land on your head.'
"Hah! Quatre, c'mere and read this! It's funnier than the comics section!" yelled Duo.
"Coming…" came Quatre's voice from the kitchen. A minute later he stepped into the living room. He was wearing a pink Hello Kitty apron, pink rubber gloves, and a white bandanna holding back his bangs.
"Alright, what is it, Duo?" questioned Quatre politely as he walked over and sat beside Duo on the couch. Duo handed him the horoscopes section.
"Read yours, Quatre! Mine was hilarious!" laughed Duo.
"Alright. Here, it says 'You're going to have a rare lover's spat, although not until an annoying and unwelcome visitor stops in. You will make friends with someone whom no one else can, but when you introduce your new friend you will be taken away. BEWARE THE GREEN PACKAGE LABELED 'Tetley's'!" Quatre read aloud. The two began laughing really hard.
"Oh, yeah, I'm having a visitor too, but no lovers spat, instead I've got to beware of falling pianos!" snorted Duo. The two friends erupted into laughter once again. They were laughing so hard they couldn't hear someone approaching from behind them.
"What unjust garbage are you reading now, Maxwell?" asked a voice from behind them. Duo and Quatre turned to face Wufei Chang, grins upon their fair faces.
"Oh, just 'Madame Imabigphony's Daily Horoscopes', Wu-wu. Care to read yours?" Duo held out the paper to Wufei. He grinned up at Wufei. Wufei, however, did not push it away or anything of the sort. Quite the contrary, his face overcame a change.
Wufei's normal 'I'm Superior Because I've Got a Metal Rod Up My Ass' look changed to one of reverence. His eyes went all sparkly and he smiled as though he was a six year old being given his favorite treat. Then he snatched the paper away from Duo's grasp.
Duo glanced to Quatre curiously, but Quatre only shrugged. Then they both turned back to Wufei.
"Wh-what?!? It says I-I'm going to die of lung cancer! I don't even have lung cancer!" yelped a surprised Wufei. Duo rolled off the couch laughing so hard he couldn't breathe.
"So, Wufei? Mine says I'm going to have a lovers spat and I don't even have a girlfriend!" laughed Quatre. Wufei looked indignant.
"Don't you dare insult Madame Imabigphony! She's always right!" barked Wufei angrily.
Duo just laughed harder, and Quatre smiled pityingly at Wufei.
"Wufei, d'you really think you're going to die of lung cancer?" inquired Quatre softly. Wufei's face got red and his eyes narrowed.
"Quatre! Of course I do! Madame Imabigphony is never wrong! Oh my! I need to set up funeral dates and write my will! All in one day! I've got to go, Quatre!" And with that, Wufei ran off. Quatre sweatdropped.
"Alllrighty then… Duo, why don't you go ask Trowa and Heero to stop Wufei from getting all worked up over some fraud's stupid predictions. I've got housework to finish!" said Quatre, and he walked back into the kitchen.
Duo ran upstairs with the horoscope paper once again clutched in his hand. But he had no intention of asking them to talk Wufei out of it. He was more interested in seeing what that 'fraud's stupid predictions' had to say about them.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Hey Heero! What's your sign?" Duo asked as he ran into Heero's room. It was neat, tidy, and bland. Heero was in one corner, at a desk, working on his laptop. He turned to glare at Duo before continuing to work.
"Go away."
"Silly, that's no sign! C'mon, there are these really funny horoscopes and I bet yours is the best one!" Duo pleaded. Heero did not look at him. 'Funny' was a lost cause with Heero.
"Fine! Be that way! Obviously everyone else in the house can do it, but you wouldn't have time to read yours. After all, you're the perfect- oh wait! If you're the perfect soldier, you should be able to read a simple horoscope! Everyone else did! Does that mean Heero's not perfect? Does that mean-GAK!" Duo choked as Heero pinned him against the wall with one arm, and snatched the paper from his hand.
Heero's glare probably could've set the paper on fire, had Duo not snatched it back in time. Heero turned to glare at Duo, but did not hurt him. Instead he let Duo's throat go and he sat down. Duo turned his gaze to the small prediction he has seen Heero reading.
It read 'Your day will first be interrupted by an annoying friend, and then an annoying enemy. After that, everything will be normal until something terrible happens, and you lose two of your friends. One to men in white suits, and the other to something terrible.' Duo blinked.
"Aww, even Hee-chan's horoscope is boring. See ya later, Heero!" And with this parting comment, Duo leapt out the door and down the hallway to the library, where he found Trowa reading. He stuffed the horoscope section between Trowa's face and the book, simply saying,
"Read yours to me!" Trowa blinked and calmly read aloud,
"Your day shall be perfectly normal. Although many interruptions try in vain to spoil the peace, you shall not even comprehend what they mean until tomorrow. Now go away Duo"
"WOW! IT SAID MY NAME?!?" gasped Duo in surprise. Trowa rolled his eyes and kicked Duo out of the library.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Duo had volunteered to help Quatre with the shopping, and Quatre had agreed. Duo stuck his wallet in his left pocket and headed out with Quatre. They were walking to the grocers (against Duo's judgment) because Quatre said driving would pollute the air and for that reason he avoided driving as much as possible. Duo just rolled his eyes and agreed.
As they were walking out the door, but just as they did a pink limousine rolled up. Out jumped Relena Peacecraft, Stalker Extraordinaire. She smiled happily at them.
"Hiyeeee, Duoooo, Quatraaaaaa!" she greeted in a high-pitched voice, which shattered her limousine's windows. "OoOoOoP-sies! And I just had those replaced, too! Oohh well! Where's Heeeeeeeerooooooo???"
From inside, there was a scream and then many crashes.
Duo blinked. "Uhhh, he's not here, Relena," Quatre nodded vigorously. She looked disappointed and left without saying anything else. Her pink limousine zoomed off.
Duo and Quatre then began to walk off.
Halfway to the grocers, Duo felt a shadow fall on him. He glanced up at the sky, and suddenly a huge piano landed on him. Quatre looked at the piano for a second before passing out.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Hours later…
Quatre woke up. Next to him, where Duo and one piano should have been, there was a huge pile of pianos. As he blinked, another one fell upon the already big pile. It was evening, and passers by stared at them. Quatre blinked. Then he stood up and pushed the pile of pianos off Duo, slung Duo over his back, and walked home, feeling very, very confused. As he walked home, he thought of nothing more than a nice cup of green tea.
As Quatre arrived, things looked very dark. Relena was tied to a burnt tree on the front lawn. She was burnt black, too. An ambulance was pulled up at the front lawn, and a bunch of men were wheeling out a stretcher with a covered body on it.
"What's going on?" Quatre asked one man. The man looked at him.
"Mr. Wufei Chang just died of lung cancer. Strangest case we ever saw; he's not even on file for having lung cancer…" explained the man. Quatre's jaw dropped.
"The horoscopes!" he cried, and then ran into the house. Inside, the mayhem was less.
Heero was holding a handful of matches, laughing maniacally. Trowa was reading calmly. And no one looked up when they entered. Quatre flung Duo down, and went to make some green tea. He put some water in the kettle to boil. A minute or two later, when the kettle whistled, he poured it into a china teacup and quickly grabbed a little green packet. He opened it and took out a teabag, placing it in the water. The smell of steaming green tea reached his nose as he pondered the events of the day, stirring the teabag around as well.
Suddenly, a thought struck him. 'Beware the green package labeled 'Tetley's'. He grabbed the empty package. Across one corner to the other, it said in neat, white printing: "Tetley's". Quatre screamed and flung it into the blender. He grabbed his tea and rushed from the room as the blender ate it up. He sat down quietly in the sitting room, and took a sip of tea.
"Mr. Teacup, it's not my fault things are turning out this way!" complained Quatre as he took another sip. The teacup did not respond. "Mr. Teacup, why does this stuff always happen to me? I'm an innocent"-sip- "bystander!" Sip Sip.
Quatre continued to rant and rave to his teacup. It ended with him saying 'Mr. Teacup, you're my best friend.'
Quatre rushed into the living room after he finished his tea. He yelled at his friends. Duo, Heero, and Trowa all looked at him. He held up 'Mr. Teacup'.
"Hey everyone! I want you to meet… MR. TEACUP!" he yelled, and with flourish, he drained the very last drop from the cup. Duo jumped up and ran into the kitchen. He picked up the phone and dialed a phone number.
"Hello? Is this '1-800-Mental-Help-Please? Yes. I've got a patient for you. Under a lot of stress today. The address is… oh hell; you know where the Winner Estate is? Yes well I live at the Winner Estate. Get here immedi-WAUGH!" Duo's demand for quick service was cut off by the sound of a crashing piano. From the phone which was hanging, off the hook, a small voice could be heard saying 'Hello? Hello? Okay, we'll be right there!'. As the phone hung up, another piano fell on Duo.
Da End (For now!)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Hey there! What did you think? Please R&R! I already am planning a sequel, but I'd prefer if you guys encouraged the idea ^_^. Stupid & pointless, but that's my specialty. Horoscopes that are crazy & true O_o! I know there are some things I missed, but they shall be covered in the sequel. And no, no one mourn for Wu-wu cause I wouldn't let him stay dead. He's too precious. Muahahaha. PLEASE review! I love reviewers! Y'all come back, now, y'hear?!?
Catch ya later! ^_^!