Bioware owns all characters. I just borrow them for my interpretation!
Mass effect 3 Spoiler heavy!
For all that previously read this chapter, I took some time away from it and fleshed it out a bit. I hope it is even better than it was.
()()()()()()()()
Kaidan laid in the hospital bed, his attention focused out the floor-to-ceiling bank of windows. He had never quite gotten over just how immense the Citadel was. It still seemed as unbelievable to him as the first time he had docked here on the Normandy SR1. 'That is about the only thing that hasn't changed', he thought to himself bitterly.
He sighed, and turned his head away from the windows. The vastness outside was making him dizzy. The effort of turning his head caused a shooting pain to fly through his shoulders. He sucked in a deep breath, and held it in anticipation of what he knew would come next. Still holding his breath in, he wiggled his way to a more upright position, trying to tune out how badly his upper body was screaming at him for his effort. As he had so many times before, he gave up before he found a position that was any more comfortable, and his breath came out in a big huff of frustration.
Kaidan hated being stuck in bed. He was very good at dealing with life, on focusing and pushing things to the back of his mind to deal with later. That was part of the reason he was such a good marine. He knew how to keep personal issues out of work. It also helped him focus his biotics. Now though, injured and bed ridden, the only thing to keep his mind busy was the view out the window. That was quickly overridden by all the things he had been trying so hard not to think about. The attack on Earth was devastating. Leaving Admiral Anderson behind was not a choice he supported. Fear for his parents' safety was hard to suppress.
And then there was Shepard.
'Ah, Shepard", he thought to himself wistfully. Shepard was the source of a lot of confusion and speculation for him. He wanted to believe her; he wanted to believe that she was the same person he had known three years ago. He had been there when Joker's escape pod had landed. He had heard his words, seen his face, and seen the truth in his eyes. The weeks of numbness that had followed that terrible day on the original Normandy didn't detract from the emotions that had overloaded his system in the first place. He avoided thinking about it more than he had to; the memories were just too painful, even now.
Then, two years later she was back, with some remarkable story about being brought back from the dead. Even if it was true, and he wasn't ready to admit that it was, it was Cerberus that rebuilt her. He wanted to believe that Cerberus hadn't done anything to her. He wanted to, but he couldn't. Cerberus just couldn't be trusted, and Shepard wasn't really trying. Every time he brought it up she seemed to blow him off. The way she had avoided the subject since they had left Earth just made everything feel more raw and painful.
He knew he had overreacted on Horizon. He had lost control. In the heat of the moment his emotions had overruled his head, something that he rarely allowed to happen. The rumors were true. She was alive, and for a few moments his world seemed to make sense again. He had reached for her, held her, felt her heat and her breathing before accepting she was alive. Then she mentioned Cerberus, and the rest of the rumors fell into place causing Kaidan's world to fall apart. By the time he had got control of his world again, she was gone. Nightmares of walking away from her had replaced nightmares of her being blown out of the Normandy. For a year or more he had terrible dreams about Shepard being spaced. Graphic and gruesome, he often woke in sweat soaked sheets, shivering and feeling hopeless. Somehow after seeing her on Horizon the dreams were still just as graphic and gruesome, but now he dreamed he was walking away while she suffered. It had caused some trouble with focusing his biotics for a while. He had sent her a message, apologizing, begging her to be careful, wishing she would respond, and terrified that she would as well. She didn't respond, and that had probably been for the best. It didn't really matter what he said to her, or what he tried to convince himself of, he didn't trust Cerberus, and Cerberus had rebuilt her. She was right about one thing, words would not convince him.
The sound of the airlock to his room depressurizing caught his attention. He turned his head too quickly, hoping it would be Shepard coming back in to see him again, but expecting to see a doctor or nurse coming to check on him. Instead found the drell who spent some time talking to him the day before stepping into his room. He had seemed nice enough, obviously dealing with some type of respiratory issue considering the amount of coughing the poor guy did.
"Hey." Kaidan said with a sigh, trying to relax his aching body again. He wasn't really in the mood for another chat about biotics. The drell was nice enough, but Kaidan had other things on his mind.
The drell stepped to his bedside, stood up straight and placed his hands behind his back. He looked very formal, and his posture demanded you pay attention to him. Kaidan looked up at him wearily.
"If you have a moment, I think we should talk Kaidan." The drell said in his deep, raspy voice.
Kaidan was momentarily confused. He remembered talking to the drell, they had talked biotics and implants, but they didn't share their names, or even imply they were friends. How could this drell know his name? He could feel the soft embrace of fog resulting from the pain medication they keep insisting on. "It will help you keep the Biotics quiet, Major." The doctor had insisted. His protests had been met with the same argument. Kaidan suspected they had orders from someone else to keep him comfortable. Someone with some clout, considering just HOW well they were keeping him comfortable.
A soft cough brought his attention back to the drell standing over him. "How do you know my name?" Kaidan asked, his eyes peering at the drell in suspicion.
The drell looked at him for a moment. His eyes narrowed as he tried to see past the severe bruising and swelling that battered the humans face. Blood still lay clotted over scrapes littered across his face. He hadn't seen the resemblance yesterday, but now he was certain. Shepard had all but confirmed it for him. The sadness in her eyes when she mentioned visiting someone gave away more than her voice ever would. Thane allowed himself a moment of sadness at how strong Shepard had to stand and how much pain she kept locked inside. His attention focused back on the human laying in the bed. 'Yes, it is certainly the one'
"Please let me explain." He paused, giving Kaidan a chance to full focus his thoughts. "My name is Thane Krios."
Kaidan's brain flickered to life painfully slow. He knew that name, but the paths through his battered head weren't making the connection. 'Krios" he thought to himself. 'I know that name. Where… where…?' Suddenly his eyes open wide in understanding.
"I know a Krios. Kolyat Krios, works with C-sec, or he did. He helped me once." Kaidan looked at the drell closely, his medicated brain wondering if this was the same Krios briefly before he realized this drell didn't look anything like the one he had spoken to before. "but you aren't him."
"Kolyat is my son." Thane pauses, "I am thankful he was able to help you." His eyes open wider for just a moment, and then focus back on Kaidan. "I am not here to talk about Kolyat though. I want to talk about Commander Shepard."
'Get in line', Kaidan mumbled to himself. It seemed everyone wanted to ask about the famous Commander Shepard. Once they knew he came off the Normandy everyone had something to say. "Was she a traitor? Did she really blow up the collector base? I hear she is helping the Turians. I heard she is working with Cerberus. Did she really abandon Earth?" The questions and accusations flew around the citadel faster than Kaidan could keep up.
"I don't want to talk about Commander Shepard." It wasn't really a lie. He wanted to talk to her. He wanted to make sense of the mumbled mess in his head, and more than anything he wanted answers. He wanted to understand what happened and why he still felt so strongly about her. He didn't see any way this drell could help him with that though. He looked back out the bank of windows, wishing this drell would just leave.
"Plea…", the drell started to say before Kaidan cut him off.
"I said I don't want to talk about her!" Kaidan spit at him, his sudden anger surprising him. He spun his head back towards the drell, who still stood right next to his bed." I'm not answering questions about her, and I am NOT helping spread any more rumors. Leave. Now!"
Kaidan took a deep breath, still trying to stem the anger that appeared so quickly.
The drell didn't move. He stood there quietly, patiently, as if waiting for a child to finish a temper tantrum. "If you are done….", the drell trailed off.
Disbelief covered Kaidan's face. 'Just who the hell does this guy think he is? Was I not clear enough?' Kaidan sighed heavily, feeling the anger leave him just as quickly as it had come. 'Ah hell, what difference does it make?' "Yeah. Sure." Kaidan managed to huff out as he turned back to the windows. Perhaps he could just ignore him.
"I don't mean to make you uncomfortable Kaidan. I apologize for the necessity. However, I believe I have information you need to know."
Kaidan continued staring at the window, not really hearing the drell. He mumbled the obligatory, "Hmm, mmm" without really hearing or processing what the drell had said. Now that Shepard name had come up his mind was wrapping around her again. She has just left. They had a nice talk. She seemed to be happy to see him anyway. His mind drifted back to the last days on the SR1 before they went to Ilos. That inevitably led to thoughts about Saren. He remembered the sinking feeling thinking she had died on the Citadel, which quickly manifested into thinking about her really dying. Kaidan sighed in frustration.
"…on the Normandy." Thane was finishing. Kaidan realized he really had tuned him out, but talk about the Normandy got his attention.
Kaidan looked back at the drell, who appeared to not have moved. "What?" he demanded, confusion once again littering his face.
"I served with Commander Shepard aboard the Normandy. I was with her when she destroyed the Collector Base"
Suddenly Kaidan remembered. The reports had said 12 people went with her; one of them was a drell. He just had never gotten a name. "Ah, yes, I remember now." Kaidan said, suspicion working its way back onto his face. Thane's purpose became very suspect as Kaidan realized he could still be working for Cerberus.
"I apologize for not recognizing you yesterday. I would have told you then, if I had." Thane looked at the chair Shepard has used only an hour before. "May I?"
Kaidan nods to him. He is still confused and trying to piece things together. He wishes now the doc hadn't given him such a high dose of pain meds. He doesn't understand how this Thane person could know him, or more importantly recognize him. Kaidan hadn't been on the Normandy with him and he doesn't recall him being on Horizon when he saw Shepard there.
"You wouldn't have known me. I didn't serve with you." Kaidan stated.. A part of him was curious about the drell, even with the possibility he could be working with Cerberus. This drell has been with her, maybe knew her, and maybe knew about her and Cerberus. Maybe this drell would be the way to get some answers. Kaidan sits up a little straighter and looks at the drell directly.
"No, you did not. I do know you however."
Suddenly Thane's eyes open a little wider, staring in to the distance, unfocused. Kaidan's eyes widen at the sight, and he reaches for the nurse call button as he tries to recall what little he knows about Drell physiology. He doesn't know why that drell is in the hospital, but he doesn't look good. Thane's voice stopped him in his tracks.
"I walk quietly into her cabin. Want to say thank you. She doesn't see me. She is sitting in front of a picture, staring. I look more closely, picture of a human male, dark hair, handsome. I wonder who; sibling, parent? I hear her sigh. I look more closely at her. Single tear runs down her face. I leave before she sees me."
Thane blinks each set of his eyelids and refocuses on Kaidan's face. He can't help but laugh at the human, hand still out reached for the nurse call button; confusion blanketing his face. "Sorry. I know that can be…unsettling. Drell have perfect memories." He pauses and coughs a few times. "Sometimes reliving them can be… inconvenient."
"I can see that." Kaidan replies, finally realizing how silly he looks. He pulls his hands back together on his stomach. "What exactly was that? Are you ok?" He isn't really sure how this fits in to how the drell knows him. Last he checked he wasn't a …she?
Thane smiled softly as he answered, "Yes, I am as well as can be expected. You don't need to be concerned about me. Sometimes talking about things I have seen causes me to relive them. Usually I can control them, but exceptionally strong memories often come unbidden. There is another."
Thane's eyes stare off again, but this time Kaidan is prepared. "We are talking. I ask her why she does this. She turns her head and stares at the picture on her desk again. Finally she looks back and says in a voice full of sadness, 'I remember all the things I love and all the things I have to lose'."
Thane focuses back on Kaidan.
Kaidan looks at him for a moment, still unsure of what is going on. He figures at this point 'she' is Shepard, but beyond that he is lost. "I thought we were talking about how you know me? I don't understand."
Thane smiles a sad smile at him. "That is how I know you. She kept your picture on her desk in the Normandy. I didn't recognize you yesterday…" Thane gestures to Kaidan's face, "for obvious reasons. The first memory was from after she talked to Anderson about seeing you on Horizon. The second was right before we went through the Omega-4 Relay."
And then everything fell into place. The medicated fog lifted and everything made sense. A hundred emotions rattled through his body all at once, and Kaidan jerked in response. A heavy weight settled on his chest and he found himself gasping for air. Words mingled in his head in no sensible order. Picture. Tear. Love. Lose. Sad. Picture. Tear. Sigh. Shepard. Him. Shepard. Him.
He remembers Horizon. "Goodbye Shepard." He remembers Mars, 'Is this what they did to you?' 'What else am I supposed to think?' 'You could be a puppet of the Illusive man himself' He remembered accusation after accusation after accusation. Kaidan looks at the drell, his eyes pleading for an explanation. He can't seem to find his voice to speak.
"I don't know if you knew this Kaidan. Judging by the look on your face you did not. I do not know what happened between you, but I do know you need to fix it. She is hurting, she loves you, she always loved you, and you are the only one she needs right now."
Thane got up and walked gracefully to the door. Right before it swooshed open in front of him he turned once more to Kaidan, who still looked as if he couldn't catch his breath. "Trust in her Kaidan. She has only good in her heart." He paused for a second, sadness overtook his face. "Fix it Major, before you no longer have time." Thane nodded to him one last time, and walked out of the airlock.
Kaidan fought for his breath as he watched the drell walk out the door. Slowly the weight from his chest lifted, and moved into the pit of his stomach. A small sense of hope started to seed itself in his head. 'Is it possible I have been wrong about this the whole time?'
I have one more chapter of this planned. Enjoy!