Title: When you got nothing left (hold on to yourself)
Disclaimer: Glee's not mine but if you know how to make it as an assistant-director in the show, I wouldn't say no...
Summary: They've had many first times. The first time they met, the first time they kissed, the first time they had sex and the first time the made love. What she hadn't expected was for this one to be their last.
Warning: some spoilers for the third season, but it doesn't really follow the show so ... Also this isn't your all flowers and rainbows fanfiction. Well. Rainbows yes, flowers less. Sanks to Luciole for checking this fanfiction. She totally ships Mini and Franky from Skins but the fandom isn't as lucky as we are. She was desperate and I gave her this. Probably not my best idea.
Written for the Brittana week. Day five. Firsts.
"I can't! I fucking can't! Why don't you understand that?"
"I understand, San. It's just ... Aren't you tired?" Santana threw her a look of misunderstanding. "I mean, you hide yourself all day long, lie about who you are, lie to the one you care about, is that even right?"
"I'm scared. I have the right to, haven't I?"
"What are you scared of? Your parents? Your friends? You have me."
Santana looked away, guilt smearing across her face.
"You don't understand, it can't be enough. Not in this world Britt, I wish it could."
"Stop saying that I don't understand, I know what you're going through! Because I didn't have that problem doesn't mean that I can't feel your pain!"
"You don't know what you're talking about, this is about me! Me and my fucking life I can't stand no more!"
"What fucking life San?" The blonde never swore. And even though she was just repeating what Santana had said, it sent a shiver along the Latina's back. "The life you have me in? The life when you're the only one forbidding our relationship?"
"Don't you dare say that everything in here is my fault! Those people outside, they're just waiting for me to fall so they can laugh at what I've become! I can't bear it, I couldn't stand the stares, the jokes, everything! Brittany, you don't see it, you're pure, you're innocent, but the world is everything but kind and merciful."
"Don't treat me like a child Santana, I'm not the one seeking comfort in what I know and afraid of what's waiting outside. One day you'll have to make that step. You better do it while I'm still around."
"While you're still around? While you're still around? What does that even fucking mean! That you can't stay by my side when I need you?"
"If you needed me, you would have asked for help long ago. I'm just being myself San : dumb and useless."
"That's not what I said !" yelled Santana.
"No, that's actually more than that. That's how you act."
"You can't judge me on that! What are you now? A mind-reader? What the hell are you even trying to do ? Make us split up? Well that's the time, go on, go ahead, I've already lost everything!"
"I was just trying to make you be yourself. The one that cares about me, the one you never shows outside, the one I love. But that's obviously not who you want to be. I'm done trying. I can't keep up bearing both our weights. I'm tired too. I love you Santana. The one you are, not the one you want to be."
"I can't believe it. I fucking can't believe it, you of all people." Santana broke down and tears rolled upon her cheeks. She wiped them away violently.
"Me of all people. You won't allow you to be yourself. Not even for me of all people. It was nice knowing you Santana. Hope to see you soon. Come find me when you're ready. I'll be waiting."
"Well run all you want! Who's the one hiding now?" shouted Santana as Brittany was walking away, more by despair than by real conviction.
Brittany was slowly heading nowhere, deep in her thoughts, still unaware of what she had really done. The impact hadn't reached her yet. Soon. Santana was the only reason why she smiled at life so easily each day. The one to protect her when she was falling, and when Santana had needed her, she hadn't been able to protect her like she had sworn to. She had left her. But she didn't know, of the two of them, who was the lonelier.
Santana waited. She waited because that's all she was able to do right now. Two months had passed since the last time she had talked to Brittany. Looking back on these past few months, she still didn't know how she had made it through. But she had ... And here she was.
Waiting.
It had been hard. Because of Brittany. Because of other things too. An ad had outed her a some time ago after a fight she had had with Finn in the hallway. Nothing could have been worse : his words still hurt like sharp knives right into her heart, the ad and the shame, the anger toward these politics, toward Finn ... Toward herself. And all along, Brittany hadn't been here. They barely even saw each other now. At first, Santana had caught some worried looks Brittany would cast at her here and there. It had ceased soon enough and she was left all alone, Brittany had always been the only one : friend, lover, everything.
But she hadn't lost hope. She had thought of what had happened, her words, the pain she had put Brittany through ... Her fights had never been this violent, but Brittany had always come back. She had planned to apologize, something she didn't know how to do, but for her, she would have done anything. At least, that was what she knew now. Fuck everything else, she just wanted Brittany, and she had already lost so much, her reputation, her grandmother, she couldn't let Brittany go away too. In some wicked way, the ad had let her regain faith. And now she knew that she was the only thing she could count on, and everything left was in her hands. She had been away from school the time to recover and if her first day back to McKinley had been weird, with her only aim in head, she was ready to get her girl back.
The wait came to an end.
For the first time since her talk with Brittany, Santana walked in the choir room. Most of them were already here, chatting as usual. But as soon as she stepped into the room, all the talks died instantly and every head turned to her. Guess it had been a long time since anyone saw me here she thought. Still, their faces were either shocked or too serious, and she definitely knew something was wrong.
Quinn walked to her, and Santana saw that she was fighting back some tears. Without a word the blonde took her in her arms and hugged her in the middle of the choir room.
"I'm so sorry Santana."
Santana hugged her back awkwardly but Quinn didn't pull away and hot tears began their way along her neck. This was weird, but somehow she was relieved that Quinn, and it seems that the all Glee club with her, accepted her for who she was. She felt guilty for staying away of everyone for so long, she had just been punishing herself. An honest laugh escaped from her lips; she couldn't have wanted anything else from her friends than understanding and support and everything was here. Now she just needed to set things straight with Brittany. Then they could start over.
"Don't worry Quinn, I'll get over it. It was hard for the first days and sometimes I just wanted to borrow my parent's car and roll on Finn over and over again, but now I just want to push his foetus face down the toilets."
Quinn looked at her in the eyes and wiped her tears. Incomprehension was written all over her face but Santana didn't care, she was already looking for Brittany.
"Where's Britt, Quinn? I need to talk to her. Today's our day."
"Oh my god Santana you don't know?"
"Don't know what?" she asked apprehension seeping in her voice.
"A car smashed into her last night ... She died right away. It was in the news this morning. I shouldn't be the one telling you that." She whispered looking away.
And Santana thought, if it weren't her, then who was supposed to tell her that her life had come to an end last night? Everything crashed down around her, her plans for their future, her hopes, her dreams, nothing resisted. This wasn't the first time she had had a fight with Brittany. But this was the first time she wouldn't come back. This was also the last.
Aah, car crashes. Something we hear about a lot lately, isn't it ? Yeah, sorry about that. Have a good day ~