A/N1: Just a super-chaotic tiny 5+1 thingy, the side-effect of having two days off in a row - namely May the 4th and Cinco de Mayo. It was painfully obvious that sooner or later something would appear and get stuck in my brain out of thin air. As usual, that something was way too persistent. Had to get it out of my system to try and focus on rewriting for umpteenth time Chapters 8 and 9 of Someday, one day 😅 Yes, they will be out. Soon. Probably. Hopefully. But for now enjoy this ficlet collection, and please leave a comment if you did enjoy the read 😊
1.
She's being watched.
Precisely speaking, she's being stared at, by dozens of eyes. A crowd of Rebels is staring at Jyn Erso: a troublesome child of a troublesome scientist, handcuffed enemy to both the Alliance and the Empire, a helpless pawn to be used in a political game by players as they see fit. But, there is something else going on, and it's even worse.
Away from the main group, deep in the shadows, there's a man. He's clearly watching her. For a long second Jyn is wondering how come his eyes, shadows in a shadow, feel so different on her. It's like if the man is trying to look underneath the dirt and rags and bruised skin to see the actual her. Like if he really is trying to see the person she is, not just a long list of charges and false names. It makes her skin crawl, being under such an intense scrutiny. Why does he do that, what for?
The second eventually passes, and Jyn snaps back to reality. The guy watching her is the least of her problems. She has to get out of this alive, so she cannot let her mind wander off. Jyn refocuses, trying to forget about all of the eyes on her. All of them.
2.
Only sheer adrenaline keeps them both upright. It's not like if their tired minds can force any action out of badly mangled bodies. And it's not like if they can do much in the confined space of the turbolift.
Jyn can't really recall when for the last time she was feeling so good, so very alive. It's stupid. It's sad, considering the situation. They did what they could, for the whole galaxy altogether and for their own personal causes. With the amount of destruction and death around them, it seems their time is up as well. But these eyes on her, the look Cassian gives her, it's - well, it's just too hard to describe with any words she's ever known.
It's the trust in her, which initially might had been undeserved, but she has earned it with her spilled blood.
It's the strength he wants her to have, to be strong for them both.
Maybe it's nothing.
Maybe it's everything.
Maybe it's worth checking out later, if there is any later.
There has to be, for once.
So Jyn returns the gaze, conveying with all her might what she means.
The trust in him, which Cassian has earned with his blood.
The strength she wants him to have, for them both.
The hope, for later.
3.
Done with Rebellion, finally.
After aimless corridor stroll, a long walk to calm herself down, Jyn is now on her way to Draven. The bastard will be happy to get rid of her - against the odds, still a living, breathing, infuriating liability. She's going to officially confirm accepting the deal offered by Mothma. Seems like a lifetime ago, while actually it's been less than just a few weeks since that day. It's been difficult time for Jyn, for sure. Barely out of Empire claws and already imprisoned by the Rebellion, abused and used by both sides of the conflict. But that's going to end here, she will free herself out of the war and out of her past, soon. She'd fulfilled her promise, even though it had costed her dearly. Now she expects the Alliance to hold up their part of the deal. Jyn wants Draven to stuff false intel down the Imperial throats, make the Imps choke with satisfaction of wiping the galaxy clean of Erso family. Then she needs new identity and a piece of flying junk, and she's out of here for good. No more dealing with Rebels, period.
Except for the one that's been tailing her for at least several minutes. The one that knows exactly where she's going.
Cassian is watching her, again. Seems like it's what he's been doing for most of the time since the moment they'd met. Thanks to that experience she can easily tell whether it's him who's observing her. She has already learnt his eyes on her feel different, even though Jyn doesn't really know why or how. She's a bit hesitant, but needs to face him really soon. Most probably he'll learn about her parting ways with Rebellion before she even gets out of the Draven's office, Jyn smirks. She'll share the news with Cassian personally anyway. She owes him at least this much, even if just for the constant keeping an eye on her. No matter if he wanted her to be a friend, a comrade-in-arms or just an asset, he cared.
He's been caring for her. Staying for her. Returning for her.
Jyn's purposeful stride suddenly falters.
After all things that Cassian have done for her, she chooses to run away like an ungrateful bitch. Like a coward. Like if she couldn't handle the mere thought of someone being there for her. What he gave her, it's more than anyone have ever bothered to gift Jyn with, in her whole adult life. Cassian gave her - home. He proved his words being honest by offering her his presence, his support, his full trust, finally - his life. She'd wanted to give all of these in return, when their lives were spared by a sudden twist of Force. Is the deal between them broken, only because they have managed to survive?
No. It is not. It can't be.
Jyn picks up the previous pace. She's ashamed of her own stupidity, clouding her judgement since the miraculous return from Scarif. Must be the amount of painkillers in her bloodstream amassed after a long medbay stay. Them meds can seriously mess one's mind up, that's for sure. For example, they can make a person think that home can be an empty and lonely place at the far end of galaxy. But really, home is where there's somebody waiting for her - which is exactly here.
Draven won't be happy with her decision to stay, the kriffing arsehole. And he'll be surprised by how her priorities have shifted. To be honest, Jyn herself is a bit surprised. Since Saw, it's not exactly her thing to be loyal to someone else instead of herself. But when a person is faithful to someone who gives her his everything, and gets from her the same in return - in the end, the person is true to herself just as much.
Jyn can't wait to face Cassian, as soon as she gets out of Draven's office that is. For now, he'll just have to watch her storming inside.
4.
Jyn pretends very hard being unaware of his eyes on her.
She has come to appreciate Cassian watching her. She finds his attention reassuring. It's no longer the unnerving presence of a spy assigned to her surveillance, and it didn't turn into creepiness of a stalker either - even if sometimes she finds herself being observed in most random moments of the day.
Today Cassian seems to be genuinely concerned with the fact Jyn is avoiding him for no apparent reason. Unfortunately, she has to. Some pieces of a complicated puzzle need to be put in their correct place, and she needs to be alone to manage that. Sitting in a noisy mess hall is the exact opposite of being alone, but the place is dry, and has warm food and hot drinks easily available. She really needs to start eating more regularly while she has a chance to. Besides, the crowd is easy to tune out. The actual issue is that it's so damn hard to keep her mind clear when close to Cassian - and it's a case that has to be solved, to be able to carry on at all.
It's not that it's only her who has started to notice things. Cassian also has registered the odd tension between them, there's no doubt.
Their usual arrangement for talking things over is sitting on one bench, extremely closely, two heads bowing over single datapad. In one moment they're arm to arm, hip to hip, leg to leg - it comes so naturally and obviously as comes the breathing. And then, in the blink of an eye something snaps, they're both hyper-aware of the lack of space between them. Whatever it was they were doing, is interrupted by either one quickly moving away and both exchanging apologetic glances. They look out for each other during debriefs, and then they pretend immediately that they don't. They keep on sparring together, doing combat and intelligence assignments together, eating and drinking together. They keep each other sane after the things they've been through together. They can't live without each other, obviously. Are they simply addicted, or is it something else?
Is it?
Racing pulse, muddled thoughts, uneasiness. Jyn is not entirely oblivious to affairs of the heart. She's felt all of that before. But admitting such thing is a weakness. Revealing such thing to a friend is more like a crime.
Is it?
And what if - if he might be feeling the same? How to be sure what is it that she keeps on seeing in his eyes, reading in his reactions? By the Force, in navigating personal issues she's just as hopeless as a bantha on a minefield.
Jyn could try and wait things out, see how the situation evolves, if it ever does. But she's not a patient person, unlike Cassian. And waiting would be so exhausting, with this pushing and pulling anytime they meet, back and forth, over and over again. The longer it would last, the more awkward and distressing it would get, up until the point when Cassian applies for a deep cover mission with no return, or she goes to Mon Mothma demanding the already abandoned deal on so-called freedom.
No way. No more runaways. This gets resolved now, even if it ends with hatred, even if it costs her home.
Although, knowing how she totally sucks at talking, this conversation will have to wait for just a little bit longer, until Jyn is done with her meal. No way she can handle such matters with an empty stomach. She needs all the strength she can muster to face the truth, whatever it might be.
5.
She is standing in the middle of the room, stark naked. She lets Cassian watch. She wants him to watch.
Jyn can pretend all she wants that she's brave and proud in this very moment. In reality, the defiant fire in her eyes covers fear. What if her scars, her muscles, her all-too-prominent bones, what if it's not what he has already claimed to desire? What if it's too much - or not enough? So she's standing there perfectly motionless, letting him watch what she offers, letting him decide. There's a challenge in her look - look at me, tell me, I want to know already. Her whole body is stiff, almost a statue of woman, with rigid spine and tightly curled fists at her sides. She's awaiting the unavoidable, like signs of fear or disgust. Like a lash out at her stupid display of boldness. Like a proof she's just destroyed their relationship with haphazard way of handling the most sensitive matter between them - the physical side of their closeness.
Jyn starts to breathe again and uncurls her palms when Cassian, with trembling hands, grabs the hem of his shirt. He yanks the cloth over his head, revealing a scarred, overly lean figure: a male mirror version of her own body and its sorry state.
While still not quite certain that this forced confrontation was the best of ideas, Jyn is suddenly sure of one thing: there will be no painful stares or hurtful words on the subject of their bodies, from either of them. Not tonight, and if she can do something about it - not ever.
Now it's her turn to watch. And, sometime later, to touch, and to be touched.
+1
Jyn wakes up to a feeling of delightful peace and safety. As often on the mornings after nights they could spent together, Cassian is snuggled up her back and keeps his arm loosely slung around her waist. She's learned some time ago that it means he's awake already. When fully asleep, they cling to each other so tightly it's impossible to tell where one body ends and the other starts. Somehow, it keeps most of the pain away from their dreams. It's as if only with their bodies melded together they were able to resist the nightmares. But as soon as Cassian is awake in the morning, he carefully scuttles back just a tiny bit, less than half a palm away from Jyn, and she knows exactly why. This way he's able to fix his eyes on her, even if it's just the very top of her head or mess of hair scattered over their shared pillow.
On such mornings Jyn prefers to pretend for a while she's still deep in slumber, to enjoy the sensation longer.
She feels important to him when he's looking at her vulnerable self like that.
It's like if he's been keeping the world's entire weight on his shoulders just for her, for those few moments a day.
It makes her feel precious, treasured - loved.
Jyn has never said that, and neither have Cassian. The truth is, huge confessions using overblown words, it's not something they were ever eager for. They promised to be there for each other, everywhere, always. Their relationship is exactly that, being together, not living with heads up in the clouds, among pink flowers and poetic lines. But it does seem unfair, to never state what is obvious but true nonetheless. It should've been said already. Cassian deserves better than that, deserves to hear loud and clear what her heart is overflowing with. She's still not quite ready to say it aloud, but Force only knows if she might again have that much of resolve - courage - anytime soon.
Startling Cassian with unexpected energetic movement, Jyn rolls over to face the man and immediately stutters out the words. Her voice is small and slightly hoarse after a long sleep, so Jyn hopes he did hear her right. And it's really stupid, how she knows him so well, how she knows what he might be thinking now - and yet a tiny part of her, deep inside a dark cave within, is afraid of the consequences.
Before she can look into his eyes, read the reaction in his face, Cassian out of sudden claims her lips for a kiss. It's a delicate kiss, almost shy, very different from usual needy greedy ones, ones full of pent-up heat and longing. And before Jyn can act on astonishment from such sweetness, she can more feel than hear his own confession whispered against her lips.
A/N2: Had no idea what to do with a bunch of snapshots suddenly infesting my mind. I've just slapped them together, to see how it all looks like and what might be done to make it usable for something, anything. It kinda turned into personal challenge on trying out the 5+1 theme, because the total number of seemingly unrelated scenes/miniatures was simply asking for it.