Disclaimer: I do not own Dragon Age I just have a major obsession with it.
I thought it was lame that Alistair broke all ties with his warden lover if he becomes king and she is not to become queen. Sure if you harden him you can be his mistress but that's kind of lame. I always thought that Alistair would decide to pursue his warden after the Blight ended so this is my take on what would happen.
Italics indicate thought by the current character whose point of view I'm using.
P.S. The song "My Dream" sung by Fiffin Market was a huge inspiration while writing this. Check it out if you get the chance. All their stuff is awesome. Enjoy!
Three months had passed since the Archdemon had been slain. Alistair had settled in as King of Fereldan, miserable as he was. Nothing could distract him from dwelling on the mistake he made. From the moment he and his comrades arrived at Arl Eamon's estate in Denerim, Eamon had begun training Alistair as king. Alistair paid attention but at the time believed it was unnecessary. He thought that Fereldan would be better off with Anora leading. He kept believing this up until Anora showed herself to be nothing but a slightly saner version of Loghain. Then he realized that despite his protests, he would be king.
When the Landsmeet dispersed and all returned to their respected homes, Alistair was asked to speak alone with Eamon. When Alistair entered the Arl's study, Eamon had a grim look on his face. Alistair's heart immediately started pounding.
"Alistair," Eamon began, "There is no easy way to tell you this but, but it must be done. You are no doubt aware that you must have an heir as the king."
"Uh huh." Alistair agreed, his mind wondering to the woman he loved so dearly.
"You must obviously have a wife to have a child with."
"Yeeees?"
"She will become the Queen of Fereldan."
"What's your point Eamon?" Alistair asked, slightly irritated at how Eamon drew the conversation out.
"I have noticed the affection you hold for your fellow warden, Esair. She is a remarkable woman and I'm quite fond of her myself. However, she is Dalish."
"So?"
"Most of Fereldan's nobles do not like regular elves let alone one's they've only heard gruesome rumors and stories about. Therefore, she is not an option as queen."
Alistair at first did not register what Eamon had said. Then the gravity of the words set in.
"Wait Eamon, are you saying…" Alistair panicked.
"I'm saying that you must break off whatever ties you have to her aside from being Grey Wardens. This must be done now to avoid any more pain from being inflicted later."
Alistair felt his heart sink to his stomach, and his stomach to the ground.
"No! No I will not. I love her, Eamon. Damn the nobility! If I want to marry her and she wants to marry me then we will be married!" Alistair lashed out, nostrils flaring eyes filled with fire.
Eamon tried to use a soothing voice. "Believe me Alistair, if it was simply what the nobility thought then I would take your side but remember that you must produce an heir. I have been in conference with Riordan…"
Alistair was about to yell his response when it struck him. He remembered a few words Duncan had shared all that time ago.
"In addition to all these things regarding the taint Grey Wardens usually cannot have children, Alistair."
At the time Alistair did not care for he had no woman in his life.
Rethinking his words, Alistair was only able to return a simple "Oh".
"I'm so sorry Alistair, truly." He thought he heard Eamon mutter.
Alistair's hand lingered over Esair's door in a knocking position for some time. It must be done Alistair. He thought to himself. For Fereldan. He bolstered his courage and let to blows be struck on the door. It opened to the smiling, tattooed face of his beloved Esair.
"How'd your talk with Eamon go?" she asked smiling warmly as she welcomed him in.
"Well… it's sort of why I'm here." He answered as she closed the door.
"Well hold that thought."
She grinned mischievously as she got on her tip-toes and grabbed his neck pulling him into a loving kiss. It took all his willpower not to wrap his arms around her and return the warm embrace. This took her aback.
"What's wrong, love?" she asked trying to hide the slight hurt behind her voice.
Love. Why did she have to say "love"?
"We… need to talk."
"Of course."
Now she was visibly scared.
"Ugh, how do I say this? You know Grey Wardens don't usually have children right? Because the taint makes it extremely difficult."
"Yes, I've heard that."
"Now that I'm king an heir is expected of me, especially since my death is assured." He winced as he spoke.
"Are you suggesting that I have this child?" she inquired.
"No. That's not what I'm saying. A child from one warden is hard enough but for two well… I'm not even sure it's possible."
"What are you saying, Alistair?"
"I'm saying I'll be forced to find a wife who can bear a child. Which means… which means…" his voice broke as he spoke and he couldn't find the words.
"Which means we have to end this…" her voice came out as a whisper and trailed off.
"Y-yes." He barely managed to get out. "I'm so sorry."
"I see. Then don't worry about it. Consider us… well I guess don't even think in terms of 'us' anymore." She tried to joke as she fought the overwhelming urge to fall to the ground in a manic sob. Instead a single tear slid down her cheek.
"Esair…" he tried to say as he reached out to hug her. She leapt back.
"Please, Alistair. If you hug me then I'll hug you back. That's not what we need right now."
"I'm so sorry." Tears now slid down his face freely. "Arl Eamon has left for Redcliffe. When we're ready we should head there as well."
As he shut the door behind him, he slid to the floor just outside the room. He couldn't stand it. He broke her heart. He broke her heart. Tears came uncontrollably from him.
Muffled sobs from the other side of the door caught his attention. He cracked the door and saw her in a similar position against the far wall of the room. Her tears racked her entire body and her face was buried in one of her hands while the other gripped her chest where her heart was. This sight nearly destroyed him.
A tear found its way down his cheek as he replayed this memory in his head. He had not smiled once since Esair left Denerim only a week after the fall of the Archdemon. Now he sat in the deafening silence of the courtroom. It was uncharacteristically quiet today. That was until Eamon came in.
"Good afternoon, Your Majesty. I-"
"Eamon how many times do I have to tell you that 'Alistair' will suffice?" Alistair interrupted, agitated at the break of the silence.
"Forgive me your- I mean Alistair. I have come to tell you that there will be ball tonight in your honor. You will dance with some of the more prominent nobles' daughters. Hopefully you will reach a decision."
Not this again. I guess he thinks that marrying will get her off my mind. All he's done for the past three months is push me to be married. I don't want to get married. Not to these women anyway.
As if reading his mind Eamon then said, "Alistair I'm sorry things turned out the way they did but you can't change it. All you can do is look to the future and create a happy life for yourself and…others."
A smile creeped across Alistair's face. Eamon was puzzled at this for he had not seen a smile for some time.
"You're right Eamon." Alistair said cryptically as he rose from the throne and stormed off into his chambers.
Alistair picked through his old equipment. Let's see, my father's sword, Duncan's shield, and no, no that will be too heavy. I'll just wear a lighter tunic and a cloak. He stripped out of his ceremonial armour (which took some time and effort alone) and put on some travelling clothes. He filled his pack with an extra set of clothes, bandages, and other necessities. Then he filled another bag with food supplies from the kitchen, all the while causing great panic throughout the castle as nobody knew what the King was doing. Finally Eamon stepped in.
"Alistair was in the name of Andraste are you doing?!" he inquired.
"Making a future for myself. Eamon you've been like a father to me and have been the best adviser anyone could ask for but let me give you some advice. I have to find her. Now you can do one of two things: fight me and cause a commotion or help me and make me happy." Alistair said staring Eamon straight in the eye.
"Alistair you're being irrational. Calm down and let us at least talk about it before you do anything rash."
"No Eamon. I've had three long, miserable months to think this through. I'm going whether you or anybody likes it or not. Surely you of all people can understand. What about you and Isolde?" Alistair was not backing down.
Eamon thought to his Orlesian wife. It had been such an issue when they were wed because of the previous war with Orlais. Eamon tried to hide the mirth in his face. Finally, the young man takes a stand on what he believes. "Very well, Alistair. Do you know where she went?"
Alistair's mood lightened as he thought about Eamon's question. Well she really didn't say where she was going. What do I know about her? He smiled. So very much. Let's see she always talked about her clan but, no. No she said she wouldn't return because they betrayed her. She…she spent much of her life in the Brecilian Forest. Of course! His smile faded. She always said she'd take me there once the Blight was over.
After a few moments of Alistair's silent contemplations he responded. "I think she went to the Brecilian Forest. It's where she grew up. It's where she wanted to return."
"Where in? The Brecilian Forest is very large."
"To the north. That's all I know. That's where I'm headed. You're in charge until I get back. I'll take one of the horses. I don't want an escort either. I have to do this on my own."
Alistair headed toward the door.
"Alistair wait! What shall I tell the people? You're storming off so abruptly and have only told me your plan. This will be such a scandal."
"Tell them the truth or don't. It doesn't matter to me."
With that Alistair was to the stables and out of Denerim.
What is he thinking? What am I to do now? What if he is killed? Am I to tell the country their king died perusing some Dalish girl he'd fallen for? Oh, Maker…
Esair set up her tent right beside a river at the bottom of a waterfall. The water collected there forming a sort of pond before continuing into a long river. She sighed. He should be sharing this tent. It wasn't the first time she thought this. In fact, the thought crossed her mind every time she set up camp. Once she had a fire going she walked to the edge of the water and sat down. She placed her feet in the water and began her nightly ponderings. While she pondered all the time, the nighttime ponderings were solely for him and him alone.
What would he be up to today? Hearing the people's problems in court? Congratulating some nobleman for his wife popping out a child? Cutting the ribbon for a memorial? This is his life but it should not be. He should have been traveling the Brecilian Forrest. Up a long river to the base of a waterfall. Made camp and sat by the water with his Dalish elf. Put his arm around her, kissed her, taken her to bed… Woken up the next day to her sleeping form next to him. Spent the day walking with her, talking with her, playing in the water… But no. Today, tomorrow, and as long as he lives he will be king. He will live for the people; he will live for them and not me. Never again will he live for me. In time, when he has been married and had his heir and is again content with his life he will forget about me. He will forget how he loved me. He will forget how I loved him. He will forget all the touches. All the kisses. All the long nights. The times I comforted him when he awoke screaming. All the times he comforted me when I did the same. He will simply forget me.
Theses nightly ponderings made Esair very moody. She knew in her heart that he was through with her. She felt she had no reason to live. To go on. She thought to the night before the Great Battle of Denerim. Why did I agree to that sodding ritual? I should have refused. Refused and slain the Archdemon. Slain it and died. Sweet, blissful death. Yes, that would have been an easier fate. But even now she knew that she didn't refuse it because she wanted them to live. Both of them so that after the battle Alistair would sweep her off her feet, admit that he'd been a fool, kiss her and they'd live happily ever after. But alas, I was the one who rose to my feet and admitted I'd been a fool. A fool to believe that he'd deny the continuation of the Theirin bloodline for me. Instead of the long, dramatic kiss I was kissed by my dog. Oh! I forgot to feed Fen'Harel.
She turned to her side and pet the mutt. "You won't leave me, will you?"
He barked happily as he licked her, his way of assuring her he'd remain. Esair fed him a rabbit she'd shot earlier. After eating a quick meal herself, she crawled into her tent. It seems so big now. Fortunately the day had fatigued her enough so that this was the last of her ponderings.
"I think it looks more like a three headed Archdemon." She said staring at the clouds.
"That's what I said." The voice belonging to the man whose stomach she used as a pillow answered.
"You said Morrigan."
"Exactly." She sat up to get a look at the sweet, silly smile of Alistair.
They laid in a wide open field with the greenest grass, and the most beautiful array of wildflowers either had ever seen. The sun hung above sleepily shining its rays behind the shroud of a cloud giving off the perfect amount of light and warmth. A light breeze passed over the couple. Everything was perfect.
"You are so silly, my love." She smiled as she leaned down and kissed him.
When they finally broke apart, she curled up in the crook of his arm laying her head on his broad chest. He wrapped his arm around her and brought her closer. They continued their idle search.
"That one," he pointed to a large fluffy cloud, "That one looks like a… a giant block of cheese."
She laughed. That man and his cheese.
"Well my sweet, have you ever tried cloud cheese?"
"But of course, my lady. I often leap up and swipe a large chunk of the sky's own personal supply. The sun is always so cross with me." They both laughed.
This is perfection. This is where I want to remain forever…
Forever was just a fantasy. A fantasy that the chirp of a lark broke.
She sighed and wiped her eyes. Not again.
Some nights were like those. She had sweet dreams of him. Other nights were torturous. She would have nightmares of his death or the inability to find him. She was thankful that it was not the case last night.
Esair rose from her tent and went to the water's edge to wash. This area really is lovely. I think I'll stay here for a couple days.
Alistair reached the Brecilian Forest's edge just four days after leaving Denerim. He had stopped a few times to water his horse and let it rest. Exhausted as he was, he would not stop until he found his beloved Esair.
As he entered the forest, he recalled the first time he'd been there. It had been during the Blight when they'd been searching for the Dalish. It hadn't taken them long for Esair knew just where to look.
Only an hour or so inward, he came across a river. It was nearing dark and he considered setting up camp. It's not like I'm going to find her if I trudge up this river. It wouldn't hurt to rest for a bit. No… no I have to continue. She's worth all the exhaustion in the world.
With that he continued walking up the river. He was about to fall asleep on his horse when he spotted a tiny orange glow about two miles ahead of him.
After her day of hunting, Esair had taken a break from skinning the fruit of her hunt; a young buck. As she washed the blood off her hands and arms she heard a peculiar sound. It sounds like… no it couldn't be. Why would someone be riding horseback out here?
She tried to put it out of her mind but she couldn't. If it isn't a horse, then what is it? Finally she grabbed her bow and quiver then set out to find out what the sound was. As she made her way down the river hidden in the shadows to avoid detection, the sound of what sounded like hooves slowed down. Then, she saw it. There was the figure of a man atop a large chestnut colored horse. The man was slumped over on the horse as if asleep. Then he suddenly shot up and the horse bolted forward. Esair barely had time to jump out of the way. She ran as fast as she could after the man who seemed to be headed toward her camp.
As Alistair reached the fire he had seen he discovered an entire camp along with it, including one hostile mabari. It stood at the defense of the camp, head and front legs low to the ground. He barked once before showing his teeth. As Alistair studied the dog he recognized something familiar about the dog. The collar was just the same as the one Esair had found in the stomach of the high dragon.
"Fen'Harel?" The dog's stance became slightly friendlier.
Alistair dismounted his horse and approached the hound, very cautiously.
"Fen'Harel it's me, Alistair. What are you-" was he could let out before the hound leaped into the air and knocked Alistair to the ground, licking him.
"Ok boy, ok I missed you too but I have an important question! Where is Esair?"
The dog removed himself from the now drenched man. He let out a cryptic bark.
"Please I need to find her."
The dog panted and smiled, giving off no clue to his question.
"Arg. Can you at least tell me if she's still at this camp?"
Fen'Harel gave off a blank stare to the foolish question.
"Bad question. Well is she-"
"Why don't you ask her yourself?" a voice behind him asked.
He turned around and saw her. He rushed to meet her where she stood.
"Esair! I've been looking for you for four days. I've missed you more than I could possibly say." The words came out jumbled, much unlike what he had practiced. When their bodies came within a foot of each other they stopped, unsure what the other would do if they came any closer.
"You-you've been looking for me? Why?" she questioned.
"Because I couldn't stand it any longer. I couldn't be apart from you for another second or my body might collapse on itself. I need you in my life more than anyone or anything else. I've been more of an idiot than anyone ever has to not have realized this to begin with."
She studied his face. He looked as if he was about to cry, the skin underneath his eyes sagged, and his hair was a mess. He also smelled strongly of sweat and dirt.
"Haven't you stopped to sleep at least once?"
"Once two days ago to sleep because I thought I would die if I didn't but other than that I've been looking and looking. I wasn't sure I'd find you but the little compass in my heart took the reins instead of my brain."
"Why have you come here Alistair? Aren't you supposed to be married or meeting nobleman's daughters by now?"
"There was going to be a ball for that purpose a few nights ago but before it I set out in search of you. Esair," his eyes looked pleading and he took her hands, "I know you may be angry and I've been the biggest idiot in the world, but please forgive me." Now he was crying as he spoke.
She stared him in the eyes. "I'm not angry. You're not and idiot. And I've forgiven you long ago because I understand. I've always understood."
"Then please, Esair," he knelt down and reached into his pocket, "Will you fulfill my every dream by being my wife?"
This time the tears came out as the fruit of joy. "Ma nuvenin, ma sa'lath," she whispered.
"What does that-" he started to ask but was broken off by the lips of Esair claiming his own.