Chapter 1- Out of the darkness: an honest discussion
Jane and Rochester had been apart for so long that even true love couldn't instantly heal the wounds of the past. A more realistic sequel to "Reader, I married him.
"What's wrong with you?" Cried Jane. "Why won't you tell me what's troubling you- I'm here for you Edward." Jane sunk into the crushed blue velvet armchair, slowly, checking her breathing and blushing at her outrage.
"Edward jerked around reluctantly from the patio doors where he'd been staring blankly for the past half and hour. In truth, he'd hardly heard Jane until the strain in her voice sounded almost choking. He'd been consumed in his tormenting thoughts that were so loud and vivid in his head. Indeed, his mind's-eye was now exceptionally powerful, beyond the capabilities of anyone with two seeing eyes. Now that he was blind, he dwelled on visions of his past and it was only his memories of Jane that could flower his happier thoughts. It was a pity they were so often marred.
"I'm sorry Jane – I, I- oh my love, I'm just having a bad day and swimming in melancholy. Please, you don't have to fuss about me, it's a depressing sight for your pure eyes to witness. He grappled with the air about him, searching for his cane. Edward felt suffocated and needed to feel the cool evening air on his haggard face. As much as he resented it, his white stick was necessary now.
"Here, let me," said Jane calmly, having composed herself from the outburst. She approached him cautiously – not wanting to distress him further- with the cane that he'd somehow left on the opposite side of the room. She took his hand and wrapped it around the metal.
"Edward sighed a ragged breath; he was easily annoyed when people assumed assistance he hadn't asked for. "Thank you Jane but please, let me find where I leave my things, it will make my mind sharper to remember where I put my belongings than to have you clear up after me like a child.
"Jane made a quiet gasp. "I'm sorry Edward, I just don't want to see you needlessly struggle." She stepped back but like a magnet Edward moved towards her, a singular tear crawling down the scarred planes of his cheek.
"I'm sorry my fairy, this is a difficult time for us as testing for you. My moods are an ugly and unforgivable side of my character that I am trying to deal with. But sometimes, I just cannot bear the thought that you are looking at me as if I were looking right back- and never will I see you again."
Jane brushed the tear with her thumb. "I understand all of this Edward. We have so much to adjust to. It was only a few weeks ago that you thought I was dead in some ditch and since my return, our reunion and marriage has been a whirlwind. I have so much to learn but never doubt you can confide in me, the way you always have. You do not need to see me to feel me Edward."
"Edward dropped his head to his chest, embarrassed by his temper and for disappointing Jane. He sniffed loudly, curling his lip and straightening himself upright in a decided fashion which he hoped appeared a direct stance towards his wife. "I need to be honest with you," he said at last and winding his good arm around her waist he used the damn stick to negotiate them onto the terrace bench, sitting closely together. Jane gazed at her husband with concern but with her usual patience and in that moment, realised she was never going to cower in front of him. She was Mrs Rochester now and there was no adversity they couldn't face.
"Jane, before you made your truly magical reappearance upon the night you returned to Ferndean, what you haven't had time to process yet, is how, at that moment, you saved my life."
"Oh Edward"- Jane breathed, gently stroking his curly hair.
"No Jane, I must tell you some hard truths. I have endured an agonising depression since the fire. I do not like to speak of self-pity and trust me I don't, but, in our time apart, I was haunted by all the wrong doings in my life. With my body broken and never knowing whether it was night or day, I sank into the darkness." He cleared his dry throat and reached for Jane's fingers, he had to feel the intimacy as he prepared to divulge his emotions. "I thought at first it would do me good to confront my past and the people I had hurt along the way, but I delved so deep into that cave of guilt that the boulders began to barricade me in. I could not escape from myself."
"Please don't my angel, I must tell you the truth so we can decide what's to happen next." Jane breathed in anguish but let him continue.
"I drank Jane. I drank until I could drink no more to plug the dreadful memories. I saw no point in living, when living only for myself. You know I held onto a scrap of your veil from our first fateful ceremony? Indeed, I keep it with me to this day, in my inner pocket." He tapped his chest fondly and even half smiled. "I would trace the patterns of the lace and think of you. Sometimes it made me sick with remorse knowing I had deceived you into bigamy, insulted your honest love and lost the only person in my life I viewed as an equal. But you are so much more than me... Then again, sometimes it helped as I prayed for the day God would end my life on Earth in hope I may see you in another world: less complicated and much more true." He held his head in his hand, faintly sobbing but it was Jane's turn to speak.
"Edward, you must listen to me now. Firstly, you must promise to never conceal your feelings, even if you think they'll hurt me. Agreed?"
"Anything, my angel" he lifted his head, ready to listen.
"Thank you. We are quite the unlikely pair, but we are strong Edward. We have known pain, grief, passion and the most intense love. Your former life is simply that, it's in the past; old demons are now laid to rest and I wish them peace. I could never expect our life together would instantly be easy, as if great devastation had never come between us. But, as time goes on and we allow ourselves to enjoy our marriage and appreciate our good fortune, we will talk about everything and anything; you will never be alone from this day forward. I forgive you everything. It's time to start forgiving yourself." She slipped off the bench, parted his knees and looked up to his face, holding his strong, chiselled face in her delicate hands.
"I love you Jane. I am so lucky-too lucky- how understanding you are. I know that I can never keep anything from you because it is so easy to talk with you. I have a lot to work on within myself. My mental and physical health isn't what it was, but with you by my side I believe I can make it back from the dead."
"My dear Lazarus" teased Jane and they both quietly chuckled, resting their foreheads against each other's. Then, with one powerful scoop of his arm, Edward lifted Jane across his lap and embraced her with a kiss that promised a better future.
After a heady time of kissing and proclamations of love and commitment, Jane lifted herself to smoothe her skirts and hair in case one of the maids might bustle in. Edward placed his hand on her knee and said in earnest, "What's really getting me down is not being able to move confidently on my own. Before you found me that stick I either shouted for things to be bought to me or sat in silence until I slept and lost my bearings. I fear if I move around, I cause destruction in my wake.
"Well that's easily something we can work on. We'll do some exercises and practices tomorrow but for now let's go to bed. We both need the rest." She leaned into Edward, her breasts slightly stoking his shoulder and whispered in his ear, "let me show you what true love feels like."