Title: Never Claimed to be a Saint
Words: 1,687
Genre: Angst
Rating: T for language
Pairing/s: Jack/Ianto [past]
Summary: Jack promised a dinner and a date. They never got that. Jack promised to do things right. He never did. And after multiple disappearances on Jack's part, Ianto breaks. Janto
Disclaimer: If I owned it, I would be in it. Also Tosh and Owen would be alive.
But they aren't are they? That means that Russell T Davies still owns it -sigh-
Bury all your secrets in my skin
Come Away with Innocence, and Leave me with my sins
The air around me still feels like a cage
and love is just a camoflage for what resembles rage again...
I stand tall, delivering the coffee even though every part of my soul feels like crumbling to the floor in tears, half in pain, half in disgust at myself, or kicking something would work too, but both would alert people to the chaos in my mind. I refuse to yield, to let them see behind my mask. It hasn't been the greatest week, Ha! That's the understatement of the century; it's been a fucking shit week. Jack has once again sauntered into the office like some hero from yet another unexplained trip, this one spanning almost half a year and when Jack returned he gave his trademark grin and expected everything to be fine. He expected every fucking thing to be perfect, just like he left it. He expected me to be perfect, come crawling back to him. What hurts the most is simply that it was so hard not too. Do I honestly have no self control?
So if you love me, let me go. And run away before I know
My heart is too dark to care. I can't destroy what isn't there.
Deliver me into my fate. If im alone I cannot hate
I dont deserve to have you...
My smile was taken long ago / if I can change I hope I never know.
No explanation. Jack Bloody Harkness promised me he would always be here. Here I am behind the tourist desk, knees pulled up to my chest writing in this bloody journal. My feelings forever printed in ink and Jack is the only one who can't see them. But he's never here is he?
He came back the first time with such perfect apologies, promises of a real relationship shared in an office while trying to get rid of that cocky Captain John Hart. Dinner, a movie? Even now I know why I believed him, the awkwardness seemed to envelop the room, both of us stuttering, thoughts of photocopying asses shot down by me. I will never forget the look on his face, like a puppy that had been stepped on, a child watching his mother date another man, Confusion and Hurt all rolled into one.
Now that I think about it, I don't see why it ever mattered what he thought, I had been alone before. However if you've ever been anywhere near the man then you understand about the 51st Century Pheromones. They rise into your nostrils, such sweet smells wafting into your sense, messing with all sense of reality, His body on yours, the only thing that your brain wants at that moment. Somewhere along the way it turned into more than just a shag and that's what scared us both the most I think.
It sounds bad but sometimes I wish he would just stay gone. I think time away without the pretence of him returning might return my senses back into a controllable state. I don't need Jack. He is not part of my being. But I want him. That should never have happened. From now I will be alone, it's not hard and Jack can shag anyone he wants. Good Plan Ianto Jones. Question is, can you go through with it?
I still press your letters to my lips
And cherish them in parts of me that savour every kiss.
Ianto remembered the times that Jack HAD let him know where he was. Like the time the Captain had been ordered by UNIT to attend a bonding camp. Jack had been only too happy to oblige until Ianto explained that the likelihood of any sexual acts being performed was low and Bonding camp was not the same as Bondage. Jack had seemingly gone insane while at the camp that lasted over a month. Every couple of days the team seemed to receive a letter but Ianto received three letters filled with random ramblings and constant complaining about how the leaders were being mean and Jack hadn't been laid in days, weeks and finally over a month. And one of the three letters was always full of everything Jack wanted to do to Ianto when he got out. Everything from the simplest kiss to the most erotic fantasies. This is what kept Ianto smiling everyday even though the Boss' absence pained him in such a gut wrenching way.
I couldn't face a life without your light
But all of that was ripped apart...
When you refused to fight
So save your breath I will not hear
I think I made it very clear.
An American accent drifted downwards towards the tourist office, penetrating Ianto's mind. A simple word, his name, almost threw all his plans into the garbage. "No. I will not Yield. Hummingbird in the breeze, Hummingbird in the breeze," Ianto tried to relax but the voice of his lover kept calling. "Hummingbird in the fucking breeze!" The Welshman almost yelled, startling a young girl who had just come in for information on Cardiff. The figure, about fifteen in age, backed out of the doorway into the street slowly, obviously distressed by the outburst. She then stopped. "Stress?" Her accent was fairly different to most Ianto had heard before. A cross between English, Welsh, American and French.
"Just a little bit." Gritting his teeth, Ianto blocked out all thoughts of the death defying man that plagued his dreams and answered the girl.
"Well have you tried the Jinx? Went there last night, no IDs etcetera" The girl grabbed a pamphlet looking at the local attractions while pointing to a speck on the map, which indeed was a nightclub. Then she picked up a piece of paper for the Carnival.
"Well I must be off, got a few hours to spare." And she disappeared into the unusually warm weather of Fall.
"Ianto Jones!" The twang broke through the Welshman's calm and instantly he was alert.
"What Jack?" Tiredness seeped through his voice. He had retreated back into the hub and was currently cleaning up for everyone while they worked.
"I was just wondering if you planned on doing something tonight." Jacks trademark grin was soon wiped off by the Welshman's answer.
"Busy." He didn't even look at the boss, just rejected him straight out.
"I already told you, Jack. It's not happening." The rest of the team gaped as the man they had known as so perfectly mannered, cast off his lover, so devoid of any emotion and in front of everyone.
You couldn't hate enough to love
Is that supposed to be enough?
I only wish you weren't my friend
So I could hurt you in the end
I never claimed to be a saint
My own was banished long ago
It took the Death of Hope to let you go
So break yourself against my stones
And spit your pity in my soul
"Ianto, why?" The Time-Travellers face twisted in confusion
" You left me Jack. I don't need you. I don't want you. I don't love you." Four sentences, four words in each, and with those words, three hearts were stunned, while one more seemed to have completely disintegrated.
"I never said I was perfect!" Jack Started.
"Neither did I. I clean up your mess. I keep you company. I listen to your problems. But Jack, after four years of working for Torchwood, it gets old. So now, for my own sanity, I quit. I'll be in tomorrow for my retcon." The Welshman's voice was so calm that anyone could have mistaken that he was finishing reading a bedtime story to a already sleeping child. And Ianto left. He had left. Not Jack. And this time it wouldn't be him who cried to himself wondering what he had done to make his confidant leave. This time it would be Jack, whose heart would permanently hang in the balance, not seeing him for so long with the knowledge that the one he loved had walked out and not knowing if he would ever be back.
You never needed any help
You sold me out to save myself
And I wont listen to your shame
You ran away, you're all the same
He promised. I told Jack how everyone I had ever loved had left in the end. He promised he wouldn't do that. But he ran away again. He's just like all the rest.
God I need a drink.
Torchwood should have never become part of my life. If Torchwood One hadn't entered my life I wouldn't be mourning the death of my girlfriend, the horrible visions would not be stuck in my mind – ambushing me when my lids close for more than a split second- , and everything to do with Torchwood three would have never happened. I wouldn't have sought out Jack Harkness and all this would be gone.
My phone is ringing.
Angels lie to keep control
My love was punished long ago
If you still care dont ever let me know
if you still care dont ever let me know
The word Jack flashed upon the screen on Ianto's phone. Hesitation filled his body but the answer button was pushed in the end, the receiver slowly being lifted up to the still suited male's ear.
"Ianto, please, I'm sorry, I really do-"
"Don't say you care about me Jack. In fact, if by some small twist in the space time continuum, you do care, never let me know. I don't ever want to know. Goodbye Jack." Ianto almost hung up but the strangled cry on the other side of the phone stopped him.
"At least continue working here. Please?" The begging voice of the stoic captain hit Ianto hard.
"Fine." And Ianto hung up. 'So the Jinx huh?' He thought about the club mentioned. "Better bloody have a good drink" Ianto Jones was going to go out tonight and get hammered and nailed if it was the last thing he did.