Will I ever be okay again?
No.
I will never heal from the Games. I will never heal from loosing my sister. I will never heal from this loneliness that consumes me. No matter how much Peeta puts himself in my life I will always feel lonely in the back of my mind. But I do have those rare moments when the loneliness disappears. Most of them with Peeta, it's a wonder on how he can still make me smile. How he puts up the effort to, even though he was in the Games with me, hurt worse then me.
I remember a few months ago when he showed up at my door with a basket of food and some flowers. He led me down to the forest outside of Distract 12. Even though all of 12 is gone, part of the forest still lives on.
The sun was glowing; you couldn't help but feel happy. Peeta was holding my hand tight, afraid I might run away, I noticed then how incredible he looked with the sun in his blonde hair and his eyes shinning with something I haven't seen in a long time.
When we arrived to the lake he let my hand go, only long enough to unfold a blanket and set it down. I sat down on the blanket and started unpacking the food. Strawberries, sandwiches and wine; the perfect lunch. He sat down next to me and opened the container that held the strawberries. Only then did I see that they were covered in chocolate.
"You sure put a lot of effort into this picnic." I commented.
"Well, it is your birthday, and you deserve the best."
"Oh yeah, it is my birthday, the days have been running together since the Capitol fell, with the clean up of the Districts I don't have time to celebrate my birthday."
"Well, I made time, now let's eat!"
Peeta handed me a sandwich and when I bit in to it I could taste Peeta. Not the bread, the boy who made it. The one who cares too much for me. The one that would die for me. When I finished chewing I kissed him, just a quick taste. Fresh bread, the best taste in the world.
Peeta raised an eyebrow then smiled at me, it made my heart flutter.
After the sandwiches we poured some wine. Then he held up a strawberry to my lips. He looked right into the eyes, his love for me shone through. I was hesitant but I opened my lips and he gently put the strawberry in my mouth. I bit down, chewed and swallowed. Then I watched as he ate one himself.
The silence between us was nerve raking. Finally he broke it with a kiss, it was gentle and loving. I threaded my fingers in his blonde locks and deepened the kiss. I felt his tongue border my lips and I let him in, kissing him with all the love in my heart.
For a moment when he kissed me that day, I felt less lonely. It was weird, feeling that, being happy for the first time in months. But it was a good feeling, a feeling I would never give up. And now when I see Peeta, the sun shinning in his blonde hair like it was that day, that feeling comes back. Only for a few seconds, but I live for those few seconds where I feel less afraid.
Please tell me if you would like me to continue, I can write another memory.
Thanks for reading.