Any and all pesterlog dialogue is directly from Homestuck and is written by Andrew Hussie- the other stuff is mine!
I wasn't doing much- knitting a scarf, fighting off boredom, fighting off thoughts- when my computer chimed, alerting me to one of Dave's messages. I set my needles to the side, untangling the yarn from around my feet, and got up, walking over to the desk more quickly than I usually did. So much time had passed since his last message- almost a full day. Now, we pestered each other almost hourly; the only two survivors, desperate for contact, desperate for the voice of a friend. I knew he was stressed, I knew he was starting to fall apart- the day's wait had set me on edge, and more than once I had sent him a group of several, frantic messages.
Once I got there, however, scanning his familiar red text, I wished I hadn't walked so quickly.
-turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 13:07-
TG: thats it i cant take it anymore
TG: it was such a huge mistake prototyping seppucrow with this useless mindnumbing jackass
TG: im going back
My heart froze in my chest. No. This was too soon- far too soon. We- I was not prepared for this. I sat there for a second, knowing that I could say nothing actively against it- the only way to deter him would be through a round-about way, one that avoided passive-aggressiveness, one that was so far off the path neither passiveness nor aggressiveness could be used to describe it.
I am a coward.
TT: Already?
Yes, I had made the plans. I knew what I was doing when I made them, too- I was not a fool. I was not trying to be brave, to play the hero card. I was actually trying to comfort Dave. Help him out of his sorrow, give him hope for something else. That's all. I didn't think- I had no idea that he would actually follow through with them.
I had no idea that he would actually leave me behind. I know that it was wrong to give him hope when I wanted him to do something else, but I thought maybe we could stay here, together, that we would fall at the same time, crack long after we had forgotten about our old lives, long after we realized that we were afraid of death.
TG: what do you mean already shit took 4 goddamn months
That wasn't enough time.
TG: or something
He wasn't even sure? Something squeezed at my heart.
TG: i dont know im kind of losing track of how long its been with all this time hopping
How could he loose track of something so important? How could he loose track of what time I had left? Because, yes, it was me who was going to suffer from this plan. It was me who was going to be left, all alone. I yanked out my chair, my fingers flying across the keys, trying to keep my breathing normal, trying to keep my fingers from typing out a message begging him to stop with the plan entirely.
TT: It just sounds like you're making a rash decision based on temporary aggravation with a laughing puppet.
I needed distract him. Make him realize how irrational it was to do this right now.
Because I could do it. I would do it. I promise myself that. If he still wants to go, sometime in the future, I'll let him. No mind games, no negative comments, no neutral or passive comments. Just positive reassurance and encouragement.
Just.
Just not now.
Please, please, please not now.
TT: I thought we planned to progress as far as we could before you went back.
TT: To gather information, and avoid repeating mistakes.
I thought that we had more time.
We needed more time. I needed more time. I was grasping at straws, now, I knew; there wasn't much more that we could learn, not much more that there was to learn.
Dave knew it, too. But I needed to keep up with my 'argument'- I needed to find a way to deter him. I didn't want to be alone.
TG: what else is there to know
TG: we lost
TG: cant finish the game with a dead heir and witch
I bit my lip harder and looked to the side for a minute. I had long since accepted that my friends were dead. But for him to remind me, now, here, when he was about to leave- the loneliness of the future loomed over me, and I felt sick to my stomach.
TT: We don't know Jade is dead for sure.
Yes, we do. But, oh, God, how I couldn't stand to think about the black isolation ahead of me. It was childish, but I wanted- needed- Dave to say something, anything, to reassure me that I wasn't going to be alone.
TG: yeah well she had a big fucking meteor bearing down on her and we never heard from her again
A crack in my mind, dots in my vision. Don't you think I fucking know this?
TG: or the trolls for that matter
Goddamn it, Dave, please, please, please just play along with me. Give me false hope. I know it's false. I don't care. Just don't- don't leave me knowing you're leaving me alone. Helping me realize that I really am going to be alone.
TG: after they tricked john into skipping way ahead and getting his ass handed to him by the denizen
I clenched my fists, slamming one down on the keyboard. Fuck, Dave, I don't need a replay!
TG: i guess once they managed to sabotage us they were done with us
TG: and since john died he couldnt get jade in on time so whether shes alive or not shes as good as dead from our perspective
TG: only thing left to do is change all that
He didn't say anything for a while after that. I deleted what letters were mashed into my message box and sat there for a minute, breathing heavily, my throat still tight, clenched by fear.
Fine, then.
It was over.
Fresh tears flooded my eyes, and I let out a small sob as I typed.
TT: Are you sure you're ready?
Please don't be.
TT: You'll remember the plan we discussed?
Please don't remember.
TG: theres not much to remember
Shit.
I choked on a sob.
TG: i go back and tell john not to be an idiot and get trolled like such a gullible stooge
TG: i dont know what he was thinking
TG: even we couldnt kill one of those things yet
TG: with our higher levels and all our sick gear
Please, please, please no. Please. A cowardly, last-ditch effort; a sentence typed and sent before I could think, flipping my resolve, shattering what reassurance I had been edging towards offering him.
TT: It still seems hasty to me.
Of course it does. I'm going to be the one who deals with the repercussions. Quickly, though, I sent another sentence- one, hopefully, that would add a note of casualness to the former.
TT: Maybe I'm just not as comfortable with time travel as you.
Maybe I'm just not as comfortable with the loneliness I'll be left with as you are.
TG: nah itll be fine dont worry
Bile rose in my throat. Oh, dearest Dave, how could I worry? I'm just being left, sent to an unknown future in a doomed timeline- a Seer left alone with nothing more to know, to find.
TT: After you go, what do you think will happen to me?
That sentence, too, was sent before I could think, before I could try- if I could think about trying- to send small encouragements to him.
TT: Will I just cease to exist?
But I didn't care.
I was scared.
It took him a while to respond.
TG: i dont know
TG: i mean your whole timeline will
TG: maybe
The small part of me that was hoping he would reassure me, or tell me that- surprise! he could take me with him!- flickered out, replaced by a sort of hollowness, then, suddenly, a flash of anger- I clenched my jaw and bit my tongue, fighting my tears, my eyes stinging, my throat burning. What did he mean by 'maybe'? What- how could he be so casual about this?
TT: Maybe?
Did he have no consideration for my situation at all? No thoughts about what I was going to face? Was this the first time he had thought about it?
My vision went blurry, and I barely saw the screen of my computer as I typed out my next message.
TT: Is there a chance it'll continue to exist, and I'll just be here alone forever?
Let me force him to realize. Let me force me to see. To see what I had been seeing, to know what I had been thinking, to realize what he might be doing.
TT: I'm not sure which outcome is more unsettling.
Tell me which one is more unsettling, Dave.
TG: the thing with time travel is
TG: you cant overthink it
TG: just roll with it and see what happens
TG: and above all try not to do anything retarded
I listened to his messages ding in, and, once the quick succession of chimes stopped, wiped my eyes and read what he had said. I stared at my computer for a few seconds. How- how dare he. How could I not overthink this? This was my life. This was my existence. I grabbed my hair, clutching it, pulling at it, ripping at my scalp, and screamed. I screamed and screamed and screamed, my eyes squeezed shut but still letting tears out, hot trails cutting paths down my face.
Finally, after what felt like an eternity, after what I hoped had been an eternity, I stopped screaming, my throat tingling. My clock told me that less than a minute had passed.
I brought my feet up and set them on the edge of my chair, tucking my chin into my knees, an uncomfortable position to type in but a comfortable position to face my oblivion in.
TT: What do you think I should do?
I'll just do what he says. Let him instruct me to my doom. I closed my eyes, suddenly exhausted. More exhausted than I had ever been before. My head felt like it was stuffed with cotton, my limbs felt too heavy to support. I let my head fall forward onto my knees, burying my face, listening to Dave's messages beep in.
TG: try going to sleep
TG: our dream selves kind of operate outside the normal time continuum i think
TG: so if part of you from this timelines going to persist thats probably the way to make it happen
I raised my head, slowly, so slowly, and blinked, my mind slow to process what he said. I was getting tired. So, so tired. It should have struck me as strange, to feel tired at a time like this, but suddenly I was so exhausted that I couldn't think much, that I couldn't panic.
TT: Ok.
So hard to type that, so hard to let him go, to send a message that undoubtedly grants permission to leave.
Because I know that if I asked him to stay, he would.
I know this.
But I can't send the message.
I can't.
TG: and hey you might even be able to help your past dream self wake up sooner without all that fuss you went through
I felt like I was going to vomit, like I was going to choke, like I was going to faint.
TT: I think the true purpose of this game is to see how many qualifiers we can get to precede the word "self" and still understand what we're talking about.
A lame attempt at humor, one typed out on auto-pilot.
TG: the true purpose is to make a sprite that doesnt make me want to flog myself raw with my own brain stem
TG: anything else is gravy
Maybe if you had made a sprite like that I wouldn't be left here.
TT: If my past self can wake up sooner, maybe I'll be the one to visit you first this time.
TT: I'll fly by and remind you you're already awake and don't know it.
If I remember to do so. If this consciousness still exists and can travel. If I'm not stuck here, alone.
TG: yeah thatd be cool i guess
You guess?
TG: im gonna go now
I choke again, my heart ripping itself from my chest and slamming into my throat. No, no, oh, God, please, not so soon. Please, please, please, please give me just a little more time.
TT: Good luck.
My vision swims again, the room around me pitching dangerously as I see his icon darken, and I let out another scream, letting it rise and fall, laced with tears and curses and a feeling more black than I've ever felt before, and I wait for the end.