Hello everyone I hope you are all doing well. This is a one-shot that I really wanted to write, so I thought I'd share. I hope you all enjoy.
Edward
I stood outside the hospital, trying to convince myself that I had to go in…that I had to face him. I owed him that much. Before I went back, I had to speak to him, and as desperate as I was to see Bella, I needed to see Carlisle first. I'd hurt my parents when I'd left…I'd know that it was going to hurt them when I decided to leave. I hadn't even said goodbye. If I had, Esme would have begged me to stay, and I couldn't. But now, after a failed attempt at tracking and the realization that, without Bella, I couldn't function, I was going back to Forks.
Before I went back to Forks, however, I needed to speak to my father. It had been months since I'd seen my family…I'd gotten rid of my phone, making it impossible for them to contact me, although Alice could probably see me regardless. Still, they hadn't come looking for me, so I assumed they were going to leave me alone until I sought them out. I missed my family. I missed them more than I had thought possible. I missed living in a home with my parents, and playing with my brothers and spending time with Alice and even Rosalie! I missed Rosalie. Chuckling a little, I stepped through the automatic doors, looking around the waiting room and, much to my surprise, almost ignoring the smell of blood. Of course it was there…and I couldn't help the venom that pooled in the back of my throat, but I could ignore it, much to my surprise. After resisting Bella's blood for so long…well, I couldn't even compare this to the difficulty of resisting her blood. Nonetheless, I'd gotten pretty good at it.
The man sitting behind the front desk looked up at me, and after a brief second of surprise, he smiled. "Hello. How can I help you?"
"I'm looking for Dr. Carlisle Cullen." I told him, glancing around the waiting room once more.
"Oh…um…do you need to make an appointment or…" I chuckled.
"No. He's my father. I'm Edward Cullen…can you tell me where to find him?"
"Well…" He was glancing down at his computer, unsure. In his mind, though, I got all the information I needed. Third floor.
"I'm just going to use the bathroom first." I told him with a smile. "I'll be right back."
"Oh…okay, sure. I'll have the nurses page him…" I nodded, stepping past him towards the bathrooms, and then, making sure he wasn't watching, pushed the door that led into the corridor and shut it behind me silently. There weren't exactly very many people around. I was thankful as I headed toward the door that would lead me to the stairwell, and then hurried up to the third floor.
"Yes, please make sure you keep an eye on her blood pressure. I'll be back in about an hour to check on her." I froze right before I opened the door. I hadn't heard my father's voice in months…surely he could smell me…or hear me? Or maybe he was distracted. I searched through his thoughts of patients and charts and other doctors…in his mind I saw Esme, halfheartedly sketching a landscape as she sat on the porch of the new house. I saw Alice leaning against Jasper's side, lifting a hand to tell him goodbye…and then dropping back against my brother, sighing sadly. I watched Jasper kiss her hair, squeezing her more tightly for a moment before turning back to the TV. My family was still upset.
I pushed the door open, spotting my father immediately. He was nodding at a nurse, pointing to something on a chart…when he suddenly froze, turning and meeting my eyes. I gave him a hesitant smile, hoping that he would return it…
"Excuse me, Roberta." The young woman nodded, glancing back at me in surprise, then took the chart, turning back to her work. But I was watching my father approach, his gait almost too quick for that of a human.
"Carlisle, I am so…" Before I could get the apology out, his arms were around me in a surprising display of affection, and his thoughts were overjoyed.
'You came back…Son, I've missed you so much.'
"I missed you too." I murmured, wrapping my arms around him and letting him hold me for a moment.
"Come. We can speak in my office." He told me, excitement in his eyes as he led me down the hallway, ignoring the looks we were getting from the nurses, and then we were in a small room with a desk pushed against the wall, and his hand was on my shoulder. "Have you spoken to Esme?" He wondered, shutting the door behind him.
I shook my head, holding up a hand. "I need to speak with you first…I need to apologize."
"Edward…"
"No…Carlisle, I was wrong to do what I did. I…I was terrified of losing her." I tried to explain, and there was nothing but compassion in his steady gaze. "But I can't do this, Carlisle. I cannot live without her. I have to go back."
"You…you want to move back to Forks." He nodded thoughtfully, his mind already going back to the house, to his old job. My family had liked Forks.
"I cannot ask you to do that, Carlisle. I cannot ask that of any of you. I already forced all of you to pack up and leave once. I have no right…"
"Edward…" Carlisle shook his head with a soft smile, his hands on my shoulders. "Son, we are your family. We've all missed you so much…" He paused. "We've missed Bella as well." Of course, I'd known they would. They loved her. Once a vampire became attached to someone…once they loved someone, that was forever, and that love wasn't limited to our mates. My parents loved Bella. Alice saw her as her best friend. Emmett…well, he'd begun to see her as a sister. In my father's mind, I could see for myself how much they'd all missed her.
"I know. I'm so sorry."
"Alice hasn't checked up on Bella…like you asked." He hesitated, and I heard him gather his thoughts. "Are you sure, Edward? Because, leaving like you did…we've probably hurt Bella a great deal. If you're going to go back, and then leave again…" In his thoughts, he was picturing the girl, feeling immense guilt. He missed her, but more than that, he worried about how much we'd hurt her. Over the summer, she'd spent almost every day with us, and my parents had gotten attached to her. He worried about the effect our leaving had had on her, especially since I'd told Alice not to check on her.
"I won't leave again." I told him firmly, looking into his eyes and trying to show him how serious I was. "I can't…I can't live without her."
"So you're going to change her?" I froze, my own eyes widening. "Edward, Bella is human."
"I know, but…"
"She wants this, Edward. She will die if you don't change her, and then you will lose her. You'll have to spend the rest of your existence without her." He must have seen the determination in my eyes, because he immediately guessed my plan, gripping my shoulders almost too tightly. "No! Edward, I will not lose my son! I will change her myself if I must." I shook my head, but he continued on fiercely, not letting me argue. "You are my son, Edward. Esme and I would be devastated…how could you even think…" He broke off, dropping his head and relaxing his hands until they only rested on my shoulders.
"How can I take away her humanity?"
"You're not." He told me softly. "She's giving it away. This is her choice. She's giving it up to be with you, because that's what she wants. You think you can make all these choices for her…you think you can decide what's best for her, but Edward, if you love her, you'll let her make her own choices. You'll let her live her life however she chooses to do so, and you'll support her. We want her in our family. She wants to join us. Can't you see that?"
I didn't want to think about this…I didn't wan to have to have this argument again. "I need to see her."
"You need to understand that, if you do go back, if she still wants to become one of us, I won't deny her." He was deadly serious…he was already working it out in his mind. After high school, he would change her at the house…she could say she was going to college. There were plenty of alibis. We could move…he would give her plenty of morphine beforehand…hopefully that would decrease her pain. And I knew he would do it…if that's what Bella wanted.
"I have to go back." I whispered finally. The thought of staying away from her forever…the thought of keeping away, of never speaking to her again, of never holding her in my arms again…that was unbearable. I wouldn't survive much longer without her. I needed Bella to live. Even if she was furious with me, even if she never wanted to see me again, I had to try. And if that meant taking away her soul, I suddenly realized, I was selfish enough to agree. "Will you come?" Maybe if he was there...well, maybe she would take it better. Plus, my father could deal with Charlie, who was sure to be upset with us, especially considering how Bella had been when I'd left her. That thought made me wince. Carlisle nodded, hugging me quickly and patting my back.
"Of course. Let's go."
We took his car, since I'd come without one. He drove too slowly for my comfort, and I found myself shifting restlessly in the passenger seat. He'd spoken to Esme briefly on the phone, explaining what was going on, and I'd heard Alice shriek in excitement as my sister had furiously began barking orders to get packed. Now, we were on our way as my family began packing. For a moment, I wondered if she would even take me back, but I pushed that thought away before it could fully develop. I had to be with her. That was my only option.
"Edward." My father's voice was mildly scolding, but mostly amused, and I realized that I'd cracked the armrest where I'd been gripping it too tightly. Apologizing softly, I released it.
"I'll fix it." I murmured, embarrassed, and he chuckled.
"She's going to be happy to see you." He assured me, but I shook my head.
"I left her in the woods, Carlisle. I told her I didn't love her, and I left her in the woods. She was crying…begging me to come back." I closed my eyes when the image wouldn't leave my mind, and he sighed, the disapproval warring with sympathy in his thoughts.
"There was most certainly a better way to handle that." He scolded me, his voice almost too soft for me to hear. "But you love one another. Apologize to her…she'll forgive you. It may take time, but if you explain to her what happened, she'll understand. We should all apologize to her." I had to agree…although I didn't feel like he had anything to apologize for, nor did the rest of my family. Well…maybe Jasper. But the thought of letting Jasper near her again had me terrified once more. Bella liked Jasper…she liked my whole family. She'd thought, however, that he didn't like her until I'd explained that I'd warned him to keep away. Still, she was always insecure around Jasper and Rosalie, afraid that she was making life difficult for us. But Jasper cared about Bella. I'd even caught him looking forward to the scene in Alice's vision…Bella as one of us. Only then would he be able to get close to her.
It was around midday when we pulled up to the house, and Carlisle got out of the car, leaving the car running. "Go. Find Bella and speak with her. If you need me, just call." He put a hand on my shoulder, smiling at me gently. "You have the phone?" I nodded. As we'd driven, he'd given me a prepaid phone, already programed with the numbers of our entire family. "I'm going to call Esme…they'll probably come down in a few hours. It won't take long to pack."
I drove to her house first, the familiarity of the drive making my heart ache. These roads were burned into my mind…I'd come here so many times over the summer, always to see her or to take her home. But when I reached her house, I found that there were no cars in the driveway. Frowning, I shut off the car, looking around for witnesses before climbing up the side of her house and slipping into her empty bedroom.
The smell overwhelmed me at first, almost driving me to my knees as my eyes filled, and for the first time, I truly understood how much I'd missed her. I sat on her bed, burying my face in her pillow, just breathing for several minutes. 'I need to actually find her.' I scolded myself, sighing as I sat up and looked around, surprised at what I saw once I actually paid attention.
Her room was almost bare. The CDs that had been on her shelf were all gone. Everything was tidy, just like she usually kept it, but there were no clothes on the floor. The bed was perfectly made…but the think that surprised me the most were the books. They were gone. Every last one of them. I looked around for a box or a bin…even opened her closet, something I never did. But I didn't see them anywhere. A pit began to grow in my stomach, unease building as I pushed her window open, closing it behind me, and leapt down to the ground, hurrying over to the car. I had to find her.
Over the summer, she'd gotten a part-time job at Newtons Sporting Goods, which I argued was unnecessary, because I would buy her anything she'd wanted, but she'd stubbornly refused. So I'd spent many afternoons, pretending to need sporting goods. Emmett, too, would stop by sometimes, buying a tent or hiking gear for no reason, and hanging around, trying to distract her while she cleaned shelves or put away stock. But when I pulled up to the store, I saw that her truck was nowhere in sight. 'Something could have happened to her truck.' I reasoned. 'Maybe her dad just dropped her off…or maybe she walked.' I started to step out of my car when my phone rang, and I pulled it out, surprised to hear Alice on the other line.
"Edward!" It was wonderful to hear my favorite sister's voice…or it would have been, had she not sounded so panicked. "You have to go to La Push…she's going to jump!"
"What?" I felt a jolt of frustration, wishing I could see what she was thinking.
"Bella! She's going to jump, Edward! You have to go to La Push! She's close to the border! Hurry Edward!"
It was storming. That thought suddenly seemed to sink in as I pushed my father's car as fast as it could go, Alice still screaming directions in my ear. I rarely noticed the weather when it was like this…it didn't affect my driving, and I hadn't dealt with humans in a while. But Bella was going to jump off a cliff into the ocean…during a storm! "Edward, you have to hurry!"
"I'm going as fast as I can!" I growled at her, the gas pedal flat on the floor as I crossed the border into La Push, slamming on the break as I spotted her truck. She'd left the door open. Hanging up the phone and shoving it in my jean's pocket, I raced to the edge and looked down into the crashing waves. I didn't see her! Leaping from the cliff, I dove into the water, looking around desperately until, finally, I spotted her.
Her arm was lifted toward the surface, but her eyes were closed, her skin almost blue from the freezing water. I grabbed her, not taking even a millisecond to realize how wonderful it felt to hold her before forcing us up and to the surface. She didn't gasp for breath. She didn't move or speak…she just lay limp in my arms. "Bella!" I screamed at her, but she didn't respond. 'I have to get her out of the water!' I swam as quickly as I could, lifting her in my arms as we reached the beach, then lay her carefully on the sand and pulled my phone out, thanking god that Carlisle had given me a phone with a water proof case.
Bella
'Why should I wait for Jacob?' The thought surprised me at first. The wind whipped at me, which should have made me nervous as I was standing at the top of a cliff overlooking the ocean. Of course, it was the same cliff I'd seen the La Push guys jumping from just a few days ago. Jacob had promised me that he'd take me cliff diving. 'I can swim.' I reasoned, my heart speeding up anxiously in response to my feet, which were edging forward, leaving the relative safety of my truck parked on the side of the road. 'It's deep enough, and I'll be fine. I swim fine. I'll be okay.' But the other thought, the one that lay right beneath the surface, pushed to the back from almost embarrassment and shame, was what led me to take an actual step. 'Maybe I'll see Edward.'
Edward would have been horrified, I was sure, to learn that I was risking my life to see hallucinations of him. In fact, he would probably take me to Carlisle and insist on a psych evaluation. For a moment, I amused myself with the thought of walking up to Carlisle and explaining to my almost-vampire-father that I was becoming a daredevil in order to hear his son's voice. Yeah. I could see him taking that in stride. Emmett would never let me hear the end of it. Rosalie would call me a moron…she probably did that anyway, but this would really make her think I was pathetic. Jasper...Jasper would get that look on his face that he always did when he couldn't quite believe my emotions. And then, when he realized that I was telling the truth…absently I moved a little closer to the edge, closing my eyes as the rain continued to fall…then he would shake his head at me, a mix of horror and disbelief on his face.
'Or maybe he wouldn't care.' My subconscious put in. 'Maybe he and Emmett wouldn't care.' Alice…I couldn't even think of my best friend. It hurt enough to think about Emmett and Jasper. 'Even if I don't make it…maybe I'll see them all again.' I pondered the thought as I opened my eyes, looking out at the clouds. 'Everything dies eventually. Maybe I'll get to see them and…and explain. And tell them how much I loved them…how much I missed them.' The thought made my smile, the hole that had been ripped through my chest shrinking just a tiny bit at the edges. 'I might see my family again.' I took another step…so close now. Charlie…well, he would be upset, but honestly, I was just causing him trouble at this point. He worried so much about me, and I knew…I wasn't meant for this. I didn't belong in this life, not without Edward.
For a moment, I thought about how sad and desperate that sounded. What kind of person killed herself just because…I paused in the middle of that thought, suddenly realizing where that line of thinking had taken me. 'I'm not killing myself.' I told myself with a strained laugh, looking down for the first time at the water. 'I'm cliff diving…I want to see Edward, to hear his voice, so I'm going to jump, and it'll be fun.' I glanced around, making sure no one was around to see the crazy girl about to dive off of a cliff, and then closed my eyes and took the final step, right up to the edge. My heart fluttered in my chest, aware that this was dangerous, that Edward would be appalled. 'Perfect.' I thought simply as I leaned forward. 'I just need to hear his voice again.' With that thought in mind, I bent my knees and, able only to hear the wind as it howled around me and the sound of the rain, I jumped.
My heart seemed to stop as I fell through the air, the wind whistling past my ears, and I couldn't even scream. I gasped, holding my breath as I hit the water, slowing down as I began to sink, and the coldness of the water surprised me. But for just a second, I didn't think…I just listened…and listened. I needed to swim up…but maybe I wasn't in enough danger. Wouldn't Edward have scolded me for this though? I finally opened my eyes, ignoring the sting of the saltwater, and looked up, realizing finally that the water was moving around me, the current pulling at me. Kicking my legs, I tried to propel myself to the top, but it was hard. When I finally reached the surface, it was only for a second, my mouth filling with air and a bit of salt water as I gasped, sinking once more. The water continued to pull at me, making me fight harder and harder to get to the surface. I felt my body start shaking…it was so cold, I suddenly remembered. I was almost numb…actually, it wasn't so bad anymore.
"Bella!"
'There it is.' I thought weakly as spots appeared in my vision.
"Bella, swim! Now, Bella! You have to swim! Please!"
I closed my eyes, just listening to his voice. The words washed over me, his familiar voice wrapping me in a strange almost-warmth. I wasn't fighting so hard anymore…I couldn't. I wasn't strong enough. "Bella, please! You can't do this!" I didn't have a choice, though. I was sinking…sinking, and I wasn't cold and maybe I would get to see him again…
Strong arms wrapped around me…strong and almost familiar, and suddenly we were at the surface of the water. "Bella!" I was still hallucinating, I realized weakly, shaking as the air hit me, and we were moving through the water so quickly…how? How were we moving so quickly? "Bella! Love, please!" I could feel sand…I was being laid on the sand, my head cradled in someone's hand. The sand was wet…water was beating down on my face but I could barely take note of that, because the hallucination was still yelling at me. "Bella! No…no no no!" The person was tapping against my face, then turned my head, and I felt water…my chest hurt, and for the first time, I realized I hadn't taken a breath in a while. My body jerked, and I was rolled over as the water came back up, burning my throat and chest as it forced it's way out of my body, leaving me weak and dizzy.
"She's like ice…she's coughing up water!" What? What was…who was that? "Carlisle, what do I do?!" He was screaming…someone was screaming as the last of the water drained onto the sand and I started shaking, my body so cold it hurt. "Okay…okay…thank you. Thank you..." Someone was doing something to my jacket…taking it off? "I'm sorry…" Who was apologizing to me? I was still shaking, and it was raining. I concentrated on the rain that beat down steadily down onto my face until something seemed to move over top of me, shielding me. "Oh Bella…oh, I'm so sorry." Now someone was crying, but my mind didn't want to connect the dots.
"I don't have anything dry!" Who was that yelling? And who was he yelling to? Carlisle? He'd said Carlisle. But that was ridiculous. I pushed the thought away. "Okay." I was lifted then, carried so quickly that I was flying, and I was unable to process the speed…the cold arms holding me…I made my eyes open, and found myself staring first at the sky as it blurred past, the rain hitting my forehead or my hair…I couldn't get over how cold he was…how cold I was…then I saw trees and hair…reddish brown hair that was so familiar…his cold arms held me closer, his hand supporting my head. Of course I remembered that he was cold…but my teeth chattered painfully as I tried to curl up against him and let my eyes close once more.
He put me down, and I realized I was in a car. "Bella? Hold on." He was taking my shirt off, and then, propping me up, pulling my jeans off too, making my heart stutter in shock.
"Stop!" I tried to yell at him when I realized what he was doing, but it came out as more of a whimper. "No…"
"I know…I'm sorry, Bella." My mind wasn't really working…I could barely process this. The ache in my chest was still there, a sign that this couldn't be real. Then again, I had inhaled water, my logical brain tried to put in…the thought disappeared when he continued to speak, obviously not to me. "No, all I have is an old shirt…and a coat. Okay." I was wrapped in a shirt that smelled so familiar…I felt hot tears seep out from my eyelids as he laid a coat over me, and for the first time, I reopened my eyes to find Edward standing over me. "Bella, it's okay. I'm going to get you to the hospital, okay?" He shut my door, and before I could respond, he was in the driver's side, and then the car was purring quietly. "She's breathing…she looked at me. But she's still cold. Not really."
I made my head turn when he pressed my hand against the vent, keeping it there as the air got comfortably warm. "Bella? Say something Bella. Are you hurt?" I couldn't answer that…I just watched my hand, tinged almost blue, as it was held in his. He was here. He was holding my hands. I was crying…the tears were almost warm on my face, not that it helped. "No, I…she jumped off a cliff, Carlisle!" I made my head move a little more, and I was able to catch sight of him for the first time.
He was the same...he was exactly as breathtaking and perfect and…and Edward as I remembered. He was panicking though, the silver phone pressed against his ear as he listened to whom I assumed was Carlisle. But I didn't understand…why was he here? Not that I could ask him that…I couldn't seem to talk…my teeth were still chattering. "Cold." He was still talking on the phone, I realized suddenly as it started to warm up a little. "How would I know!? I don't…the hospital!" He was silent once more as I finally felt myself warm up a little. "Of course it's necessary!" I had to disagree…well I would have, if I could have spoken.
The car began to slow. Whatever Carlisle was saying must have convinced him, because he sighed, looking over at me once more, then place the phone over by me, holding it up to my ear. "Bella?!" That was Carlisle…Carlisle! His voice was the same…it made my chest ache once more to hear it…I'd missed him so much…more than I'd even realized before I heard his voice once more. "Bella, can you hear me?"
"Yes." My voice was weak and raspy, almost a whisper, but it came out. I celebrated the small victory as I continued to shiver.
"Good. I'm on my way to the house. I'm going to meet Edward there. Now listen to me. Are you hurt?"
"No…?" I didn't think so anyway…I just didn't want to go to the hospital.
"Bella, you can't lie to me about this, okay? You have to tell me if you're hurt. Does anything hurt, Bella?" I closed my eyes, feeling the overwhelming tears grow, and a sob escaped. The phone moved from my ear and Edward was murmuring something. Pulling my hand away from his, I got his attention and put my hand against my chest. He looked at me for a moment, obviously confused.
"Hurts." I whispered, coughing and then closing my eyes once more, this time giving in to the tiredness that was looming over me as my head spun.
"She said her chest hurts. Bella, stay awake. Carlisle is at the house, okay?" After that, I ignored him entirely.
'He can't be here.' I told myself firmly. 'I'm taking this hallucination thing too far. He's not here. Maybe I'm still in the water…or maybe I'm asleep. I must be. I'm dreaming.' He was still talking…the car stopped and someone was opening the door and pulling me out.
"A cliff?"
"If it hadn't been for Alice...she saw her die." I heard his breath catch as someone cold carried me into a house and onto something soft. I refused to open my eyes.
'A hallucination.' I told myself firmly. 'I need to stop…this isn't real. It's just going to hurt more later.'
"Okay, run her a warm bath…not too hot. Just warm. And get some blankets, and…" Something was fitted over my mouth, but gentle hands kept me from fighting. "Shh, sweetheart. It's just a precaution…it will help you breathe." Hallucination-Carlisle went back and forth, talking first to me, and then to hallucination-Edward. "Not too serious…I know you're cold, Bella. It's okay. Just relax." It was easier to breathe, and the pain in my chest was loosening. "Do you feel better?" I just nodded; lying back on a pillow, hoping my wet hair wasn't running anything. "Good. It's okay, sweetheart. Don't cry." He was soothing me, his hand remaining on my shoulder, and I felt him moving around me, pressing something to my throat, then to my chest, then touching my head. I hadn't known that I was still crying, even though everything was slowly clearing…I could hear him better now, his voice clear and familiar. I opened my eyes then, and found hallucination-Carlisle kneeling beside me once more. He looked exactly like Carlisle…but it couldn't be.
Edward didn't love me anymore. He didn't want me. They'd left me. They'd all left and…why would they come back? "Okay, Bella, I'm going to put you in a bath, okay? It's going to warm you up." I was still wearing the shirt and the coat wrapped around me, and I started to struggle when he removed the coat. "Bella. Hey, Bella." He touched my face, his cold hand almost painful against my face. "It's okay. I'm not going to take your clothes off. I'm not going to hurt you. I'm just going to put you in the bath. Okay?"
Carlisle wouldn't hurt me…and neither would hallucination-Carlisle, of that I was sure. 'Well, might as well do what he says.' I told myself, nodding when he removed the oxygen mask and carried me into a bathroom, laying me down in a bathtub full of hot water. I closed my eyes, laying back and relishing the warmth, focusing only on that.
He let me relax in the bath until I was warm, feeling returning to my fingers and toes, and I wondered when the hallucination would disappear. I was exhausted…maybe when I fell asleep, they would go away. Hallucination-Edward was nowhere to be seen, but hallucination-Carlisle hadn't left my side. I'd only opened my eyes once, and only to see his grim face as he'd stared at the floor from where he'd knelt beside me on the bathroom floor. I let my eyes slip shut once more, the warm water lulling me to sleep, and I let it.
"Don't go to sleep just yet." His voice was gentle when he touched my shoulder. "Let's get you into a bed, okay? We can talk after you've had some sleep." Hallucination-Carlisle put a hand on my arm, starting to pull me to my feet, and I gripped the offered hand, my eyes mostly closed. He was so familiar…my mind was really getting better at these hallucinations. If I didn't know how much this was going to hurt later, I would have just accepted it.
He steadied me as I stepped out onto a towel, then touched my face, getting my attention as my mind whirled. "Bella? I'm going to leave the room so you can get dressed. We got you some pajamas…they were Rosalie's, so they should fit you okay."
This was going to hurt...it was going to hurt so much. I was letting myself believe…I shook my head. "You're not here." I told him softly, watching sadly as his eyes widened, then narrowed in confusion. I hadn't exactly spoken to my hallucinations yet yet, but I had to. No matter how wonderful this fantasy was, I had to get out of it. "You…you're not here." I said again, this time my voice full of defeat.
"Bella…I…I am here, Bella. It's me. Carlisle." He touched my face, and it felt just like him…it felt like Carlisle and sounded like Carlisle when he was worried…he was taking care of me just like Carlisle would. But it was impossible, so I shook my head and closed my eyes. Still, I couldn't escape.
"Please, just leave me alone. I…I can't do this." My eyes were leaking tears once more, and I was surprised when I felt him wipe them away. "Please…please, I can't. When you leave again…"
"Oh Bella." He murmured, pulling me close and wrapping me more firmly in the towel. I was wearing only my underwear and the shirt, and I was starting to get cold again. "We need to get you dressed, okay. We can talk in just a minute. Can you get dressed? I'll wait outside." I shrugged. What did it matter? It was all in my head anyway. He took a hesitant step back, lifting his hand as if to steady me, and then backed away, moving toward the door, then opening and closing it, disappearing almost too quickly for me to see.
Moving in a daze, I stripped out of the wet clothes, drying off and then changing into the dry ones. For a moment I stared at myself in the mirror, then turned, not wanting to dwell on my face in the familiar mirror. I just wanted to go home. I opened the door, sure that I would be in my own hallway…alone…and ran into hallucination-Carlisle who caught me by the arms, peering worriedly down into my eyes. "Bella? Are you okay?"
"No." I whispered, shaking my head and pulling away, loath to hurt even the hallucination of Carlisle and simultaneously wondering where my hallucination of Edward had run off to. Maybe he'd disappeared…just like Carlisle would. I leaned back against the wall, trying to shrink away from him, and let myself slide down until I was sitting on the floor. "You are not real. I'm alone, in my house. You aren't here…you left." I informed him, my eyes squeezed tightly shut, and I ignored the long, sad sigh, and the hand on my head.
"Come on, sweetheart. Let's get you to bed. Okay?" I kept my eyes closed as he lifted me, letting the tears escape once more. My hallucination was fighting back for once…it seemed like it didn't want to leave me alone. So I let myself be carried down the hall and placed in a bed, the covers pulled up to my chin, and a cool hand rested on my forehead. "Good night, Bella."
"Goodbye." I whispered, the tears still escaping as the light was switched off.
I was alone in bed. Of course I was alone. I was always alone now…since Edward had left. I sniffed, remembering the hallucinations. Had I actually jumped off a cliff, I wondered, or had that been part of it? My bed didn't feel quite right, but I didn't really care. Honestly, I didn't really feel well…my throat hurt. I swallowed, wincing a bit at the pain, but I didn't want to get up.
"I think she has a fever." The cold had suddenly pressed against my forehead made me stiffen, and I jerked away. "I'm sorry, Bella. I didn't mean to wake you." I opened my eyes, flinching away from the hand hallucination-Carlisle withdrew. "You were tossing and turning…we were getting worried. Do you feel alright?" I blinked, and then blinked again, this time in quick succession to clear my head.
'Stop.' I told myself sharply when I felt a sudden twinge of hope. 'They left. They left me and I'm alone and at home and Edward doesn't love me. He doesn't want me…none of them do. So don't you dare hope.' I decided that ignoring my hallucinations would be best. Not taking note of the bedroom where I was laying, I closed my eyes decidedly, puling the covers over my head and rolled over. If hallucination-Carlisle wanted to hang out, that was fine. I was just going back to sleep.
"Bella?"
I couldn't bring myself to tell him to go away, as much as I knew I needed to. It wasn't healthy…this was really getting creepy, actually. I wanted Edward…I wanted him back so badly, but he wasn't here, and neither was his father. "You. Are. Not. Real." I told hallucination-Carlisle sharply. "You left. All of you. You left me. Edward doesn't want me anymore…he doesn't love me, and neither do you."
There was a sharp intake of breath somewhere in the room, and someone sat on the bed, a slight pressure resting on my shoulder over the covers. "Bella, I'm real. I promise you, sweetheart, I am real." I clenched my jaw, starting to get irritated with my own subconscious.
"Will you stop! You are not real! Carlisle isn't here. Neither is Edward. They left and they're not coming back. I'm alone. They left me, and now I'm alone, and this isn't helping!"
"You are not alone." Hallucination-Carlisle argued softly, the hand moving up and down my back. "Sweetheart, you're not alone. I know we left…I'm so sorry, Bella. I'm sorry. But you're not alone anymore. I'm here. Edward is here."
"They wouldn't come back." I argued with myself. "They don't care about me. They wouldn't come back for me."
"Bella, of course I love you." I clenched my jaw when the new, familiar voice joined in, fighting the tears that flooded my eyes, and sat up abruptly, throwing the covers off and whirling to face him.
"Then why did you leave me!" I screamed, finding hallucination-Edward standing beside hallucination-Carlisle. "Why would you do this to me if you loved me! I loved you! I was in love with you, and you abandoned me!" Carlisle's hand started to lift to my shoulder, but I jerked away. "And you! You just pack up and go along with him! You didn't even…say goodbye. My voice dropped then, and I lost all of my anger as I sobbed. "I thought you were my dad…you were like my dad but you left me…and you didn't say goodbye…none of you…did." He moved forward then, pulling me into his arms tightly and rocked me back and forth, his own breathing harsh and uneven.
"I know. I know, Bella, and I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, sweetheart."
"You left me." I felt someone else move to sit on the bed, and another hand touched my back. "You all left me." Carlisle held me for a long time, and if it was a hallucination I didn't care anymore. But after a few minutes, he pulled away, wiping my eyes gently.
"I am so sorry, Bella. More than I will ever be able to say. I…I cannot excuse what I've done. There is no excuse for how we…for how I handled the situation. I…what I did was wrong, especially wrong by you, and I am so sorry."
"You're not even here." I whispered, shaking my head, and he cupped my face in his hands.
"Bella, you know I'm here." He corrected gently. "Edward was coming back to apologize, and I came with him. We're both here." Only after he'd spoken did I allow myself to actually look at Edward.
He looked terrible. His eyes were black, underscored by dark purple circles that looked like bruises, telltale signs that he hadn't been hunting. He looked distraught, his hair standing up as though he'd run his fingers through it too many times, and he seemed to be leaning in towards me, his hands almost outstretched, but not quite. He was on his way to apologize…he'd been coming back. I felt fury war with desperate hope, and I didn't know how to respond to that.
"Bella? I…please." He whispered, reaching out but not touching me, and I knew what he was asking. Nodding slightly, I threw myself into his arms, barely noticing when his father moved out of the way, standing and stepping back from the bed. "You're okay…you're not dead. Oh Bella…you're alive. You're okay…my love…I thought I'd lost you…I thought you'd…you jumped off a cliff!" He pulled away finally, his mumbling coming to a halt as he stared at me. "How…how could you…a cliff, Bella!" He cried, almost shaking me but not quite. "You almost died! How…why?" He finally settled on asking, looking more panicked than upset, but Carlisle cut in before I could get truly angry at the nerve of him asking that question.
"We can talk about it later." He reminded us, touching my shoulder and his son's. My head was still spinning, going back and forth between fear and hope and worry…and hope. True, desperate hope that was beginning to mend the gaping hole left in my chest. "For now, Bella, how are you feeling? I think you have a fever…you swallowed a lot of water. Does your throat feel okay?"
"It hurts." I admitted as he gently touched my throat, then felt my head again, the familiarity of this situation almost surreal.
"Okay. I'm going to give you some cold medicine…hopefully it's no more severe than that. Is your father home?" I shook my head, glancing over at Edward every few seconds as though he would disappear. "Okay. I'll be right back. I'll make you some soup as well…that may help your throat."
Edward and I sat in silence…complete, oppressive silence for at least five minutes. Carlisle came up with the medicine and a glass of water, then disappeared once more to get the soup. Only after I'd swallowed the medicine did he speak. "I'm sorry." He murmured, not touching me or taking my hand, but looking at me so earnestly that I couldn't interrupt. "I…I didn't mean to make you feel…as though I was angry with you. I was…I was on my way back. I went to your house, but you weren't there. And then I went to the store where you work, but I couldn't find you. And then Alice called…" He shuddered.
"Why did you come back?" I finally asked, my own voice sounding strangely dull in my own ears, and he finally reached out, touching my face.
"Bella…after what happened at your party…I was so afraid. I thought…well, I knew, that I was putting you in so much danger. I had to leave. And I knew that in order to do that, I had to get you to believe…well…I'm an excellent liar, Bella. I have to be." I felt myself stiffen under his touch, feeling the pieces come together. "But I could have never guessed how easy it would be to get you to believe me." He shook his head, reaching down and taking my limp hand in his. "I thought that I would have to lie through my teeth for hours, but you…I could see it in your eyes, Bella. You honestly believed that I didn't love you! How could you believe that!"
"Well, you were standing in the forest, saying it to me, and then you left me there." I was surprised to hear myself snarl, but I didn't take it back, even when he flinched. "You left me. You swore that you would always love me, and I make one mistake…"
"You…what!" He interrupted incredulously.
"I got a stupid paper cut…."
"My brother almost killed you! I couldn't put you in that kind of danger anymore!"
"So what? You're leaving again? You just wanted to drop by and assure me that you actually abandoned me because you care!?" He flinched, his eyes closing as he collected himself, but when he opened his eyes and saw the tears dripping down my cheeks, he sighed, squeezing my hand and softening.
"I came back to beg your forgiveness. I know that what I did...it's unforgivable. I hurt you. I hurt you so deeply that you…you jumped off a cliff."
"I wasn't committing suicide!" I cried, suddenly realizing what he'd thought. "I was cliff-diving." He lifted an eyebrow, obviously not believing me. "The La Push guys go all the time. Jacob was going to take me, but he was late.
Edward closed his eyes for a long moment, then continued. "Regardless, I hurt you. And I learned that I truly cannot live without you. I don't expect that you'll forgive me. I have no right to ask that of you after what I've done. But Bella…please let me stay." I felt the shock of his request wash over me as he pleaded, taking my other hand. "Just…let me stay with you. You don't even have to speak to me. I can't live without you. I can't…I just…I know I'm being selfish once more. I know…"
He was being ridiculous. He honestly thought I was going to let him stick around and never speak to him! He thought I didn't want him! I shut him up the only way I could think of…I surged forward, throwing my arms around his neck and pressed my lips to his.
I loved him. I was furious with him at the moment…but somehow my heart had room for both. He put his arms around me, kissing me back fervently, one hand on my head, the other trailing up and down my back, down to my waist, then up again, resting finally on my shoulder. For the first time, it was me who pulled away first, but I had to talk to him…I had to hear his voice. "You're real." I whispered, reaching up and touching his face, my hand tracing the hard angle of his jaw, then his ear, the curve of his chin…my hallucinations hadn't even come close to doing him justice.
"I'm real." He assured me, resting his hand over mine.
"You…you came back. You…you still…" He knew what I was trying to say. He cupped my face in his hands, speaking earnestly and with a tinge of desperation.
"I love you. I love you so much…Bella, you are everything to me. I was so desperate to protect you…I'm sorry. I was trying to keep you safe, but it doesn't matter. I was wrong. I…I never wanted to hurt you Bella. I thought you would move on…I thought you would be happy. But I missed you so much…I couldn't bear it anymore." His words seemed to touch the hole in my heart, gently pulling at the edges until it sealed itself shut, leaving only a small scar that, I knew, would still hurt for a long time. Still, the relief was so great that a sob escaped, and I slumped against him, tears pouring from my eyes. He held me tightly, his nose against my hair as he breathed, rocking us back and forth.
"I love you." He whispered, his hands moving up and down my back, then into my hair, taking deep breaths as he soothed me. "I love you so much. I'm so sorry…I'll never be able to apologize enough. I love you. You are everything to me, Bella. You are my life. I couldn't leave you…I had to come back."
"You're coming back?" I looked up at him, needing for him to confirm it. You're…you're all coming back?" He nodded, touching my face, then leaning in, kissing me gently on the lips once more.
"We are all coming back. Alice misses you so much…and Esme…" He chuckled, the sound like music that made my heart stutter. "And Emmett…Emmett really missed you." He stroked my hair, running his fingers through it, then glanced at the door. "Carlisle is bringing you some soup." Suddenly he looked guilty. "Do you feel okay? Does your chest still hurt?" I shook my head, sitting up against the pillows propped against the headboard. Abruptly I wondered whose bedroom this was…it wasn't Edward's, I realized as I looked around in confusion. "This is Emmett and Rosalie's room." He explained when I frowned and felt the blood drain from my face, starting to jump up, but he caught my arm. "What? Bella, what's wrong?"
"Rosalie's room?" I hissed. "And these are her clothes…she already hates me, Edward! Now I'm…"
He sighed, cutting me off and pulling me back down to the bed. "She doesn't hate you Bella."
"Well, close enough." He shook his head.
"You need to rest, and this was the closest room. She won't mind…if she does, I'll give her my room." He told me, rolling his eyes, but that only made it worse. Seeing me wince, he leaned in, kissing me for a long time before I relaxed. "You need to relax. Eat something. You might have caught a cold after being in that water…"
The door opened, revealing Carlisle carrying a bowl of soup, and if he hadn't been holding the food, I would have leapt from the bed into his arms. 'Carlisle's back.' I realized, the knowledge really hitting me for the first time. 'They're all coming back!' He must have recognized the look on my face, because he smiled softly, placing the plate on the nightstand, then opened his arms, pulling me close and rocking us, his arms tightly wrapped around me. "I'm sorry." I whispered, suddenly remembering what I'd said to him, but he wasn't having it.
"Oh sweetheart…you have nothing to apologize for."
"I missed you."
"I missed you too, Bella." He kissed my forehead, then pulled away, pushing some of my hair back. "Eat." He told me gently, placing the plate in my lap, and I did, letting the hot soup soothe my sore throat.
Edward
I couldn't remember ever feeling so relieved…or so frightened. She forgave me…or she would. She was alive. After pulling her from the water…she'd been so cold…her body had been limp in my arms, and I'd been terrified that I'd been too late. But then she'd coughed up water, her eyes leaking water as she'd cried, and although Carlisle had tried to calm me down, I'd thought I would start crying too. She'd tried to kill herself. Despite what she'd said, and despite trying to assure me that she'd just been cliff-diving for fun, I didn't believe her. She'd jumped off that cliff to kill herself. In Carlisle's mind, I'd heard his agreement.
'Suicide watch.' He'd told me silently, placing the girl in the bed and wincing when she'd told him goodbye. '24 hours.' I knew the protocol, of course. She had to be in our line of sight, or, since we were both vampires and both men, we just had to keep a close eye on her and monitor her closely. I wouldn't insist on going into the bathroom with her or anything, but I would stay in the room with her, not that I could leave even if I wanted to. So now, as she ate the soup, propped up against the headboard and leaning against me, I couldn't even think of moving. I needed her in my arms. I needed to know that she was okay.
'She probably got a cold…but she should be fine. I'm going to go speak with her father.'
"Are you going to tell him what she did?" I wondered. I didn't even know if he'd told our family.
'Yes. I'm going to explain as best I can, and assure him that we're keeping an eye on her. I'm also going to have to speak with her about this.' I knew that, of course. Even if I was back, Bella had obviously been suffering from severe depression, and I worried that that wouldn't go away just because I'd returned. Whatever she needed, I was there. 'I'll be back later. Call me if you need anything.' I thanked my father quietly, placing Bella's empty soup bowl on the table beside me and then just holding her, kissing her hair, her cheeks, her forehead…then her lips. I had forgotten, somehow, how wonderful it felt just to hold her in my arms.
"I love you." I murmured, wrapping the blanket more tightly around her, then held her as closely as I could. "I love you so much. I'm so sorry, Bella."
"You're not going to leave again." She whispered once more, and I shook my head.
"Never. I can never leave you again."
"But…" She hesitated, and I looked down at her, trying to look inviting. She had to know that she could ask me anything. "What about…I mean…what if…"
"What if it happens again?" I asked softly, feeling my heart break when she nodded, lowering her eyes and sniffing softly. "Never, Bella. I won't leave again. I shouldn't have left in the first place. And Carlisle already said…we won't leave again."
She looked back up at me. "Then…what about…when I'm older and..." She broke off, shaking her head, and I decided it was time to tell her.
"Carlisle and I spoke. He's quite upset with me, over how I've handed this, and informed me that, if you still wish to become one of us, he'll change you himself." Her eyes widened, fear and hope mingling in her gaze. "After you finish high school, if you want to become a monster like us, you can." I told her softly, hoping to make her smile. She did…her eyes lit up, her teeth digging into her lip.
"And you…you want me to?" I sighed harshly, then kissed her, unable to even think of the alternative now that I'd accepted it.
"I want you." I told her, pulling away just a centimeter. "I want you, and I want you forever. So yes. Bella, I want you to join our family." This time she kissed me, and I didn't pull away as I leaned back, then lay down, pulling her on top of me, my hands rubbing her back, feeling her waist…of course, I didn't go any further down…it wouldn't be decent. But I realized that once she was changed…I could. We could do whatever we wanted together. I felt a thrill pass through me as I kissed her a little more roughly, but she wasn't complaining. Her hands found my hair, then touched my face, my shoulders, my chest…I took deep breaths of her scent, letting it coat my tongue that I finally slipped into her mouth, making tiny, pleased noises escape from her throat that I could almost taste…
The car pulling into the driveway was what finally caused me to pull away. Her heart was racing, her breath coming in short gasps, and I chuckled, kissing her one more time. "My family's here." I told her, watching with a small smile as she looked up at me in surprise. "Let me get you some clothes…I think Alice left some around here somewhere." Standing up, I raced into the other room, throwing the closet door open, and, sure enough, found a box of clothes that would fit Bella. I took the whole box into Rosalie's old room where Bella was still sitting on the bed. Reminding myself that I had to keep a close watch on her, I placed the box beside her. "I'll wait outside the door." I told her with a smile, stepping back out into the hallway. "They'll be here in a few minutes."
It only took her about a minute to throw an outfit on, and when she hurried out of the room dressed in jeans and a long blue blouse, I couldn't help sweeping her up into my arms, my lips on hers once more. Her hair, still slightly damp from her bath earlier, filled my nose with her sweet, floral scent, and her arms went happily around my neck as I carried her downstairs. I'd missed her so much…I couldn't even think of losing her again. I sat on the sofa downstairs, still holding her in my lap as the Emmett's jeep pulled into view, and before I could warn her, Alice had her out of my lap and in her arms, squeezing her almost too tightly.
"Alice!" Bella cried in delight, laughing when Alice spun them around.
"I missed you so much!" Alice almost screamed, giddy in her joy to see her sister again. "Oh gosh, you look awful!" She cried, pulling away and rolling her eyes when my Bella only laughed a little. "Look at your eyes…we've got a lot of work to do. And your nails! They're all chipped and…" Before she could go on, Bella had her arms back around my sister's neck.
"You can fix them." She assured Alice who smiled, hugging her again. "You can take me shopping and we can get manicures for all I care…I'm just so happy to see you." Alice laughed, kissing Bella's cheek, then rubbed her back when she sobbed softly. "I missed you."
"I know. I'm so sorry." My sister had no reason to be apologizing. This was my fault…that much was apparent in the thoughts of every single family member present, except maybe Esme. Jasper took a hesitant step forward, glancing back at Emmett, and I saw in his mind that he'd begged Emmett to keep a close eye on him when they came here to say hello. He reached out, moving almost too slowly for even a human, but finally rested a hand on Bella's shoulder, working to calm her and let her know how happy they all were to see her.
Bella looked up at him in surprise, then remorse and guilt filled her eyes. I stiffened just a little, as did my brother, when she pulled away from Alice, and then, in an unexpected move, threw herself into Jasper's arms. It took him a good second or two to unstiffen, taking a deep, calming breath, then put his arms gingerly around her, relaxing a little when her sadness hit him. "I'm sorry." She was whispering, much to all of our disbelief. "Jasper, I'm so sorry."
"You don't have anything to be sorry for, darlin'." He murmured, hugging her more closely and relaxing fully. He was in control…I could hear his thoughts. "I should be the one apologizing, Bella. I never meant to hurt you…I would never knowingly harm you."
"I know." She was trying to calm down, and his hands on her back helped, soothing her and letting her feel both his own remorse, and his happiness that she was okay. But before they could go any further with that conversation, Emmett jumped in, pulling her into the air and spinning her around, holding her in his arms as he hugged her as tightly as was safe, forcing a surprised laugh from my love. "Emmett!" She cried, delighted as she returned the hug, and he sat her down after a moment, keeping her in his arms.
"I missed my human!" He told her with a grin, messing up her hair as he released her. There was something else in his mind though, apart from just happiness to see her. Alice had told them all about her vision. They'd all heard her describe Bella's untimely death in the ocean. And he was scared.
"We're all on suicide watch." I told them all, too quickly for Bella to hear, and Emmett flinched as Esme moved in, taking her daughter into her arms, hugging her fiercely.
"She was actually trying to kill herself?" Emmett wanted to know, speaking so that only Bella couldn't hear.
"She claims it was for fun." I let them all hear and feel the doubt I felt, and he nodded. Alice silently promised to keep a close eye on her, as did Esme, and even if she went home that night, I would go with her. Even Emmett and Jasper were silently promising to keep tabs on her, watching her for the next few days. But it didn't matter. I was never leaving her again.
Thank you all so much for reading. I hope you enjoyed.