I've been writing this since the fourth if July and just finished it! I don't care that it's November I'm posting it! The story is just a random idea I had and I apologize for any inaccuracies! Feedback is always welcome ^.^!
Our story begins early on the morning of July 5th. The lobby at SHIELD was already filled with the buzzing of it's agents and employees. Everything seemed as normal as could be in the building except for the distinct lack of certain high profile individuals that normally had business to do on any given day, on site.
Deeper into the facility, in an office belonging to the one and only head of the organization, we find our heroes, minus one, plus an ex-villain and his girlfriend gathered into one room looking none too chipper.
On one obscenely out of place red and gold couch lay the intern, turned data processor, turned ex-villain's girlfriend, Darcy Lewis. Strewn beside her, arms and legs laying lazily on top of hers was said ex villain, Loki, who after coming to his senses, had helped clean up the city and had been banished to the realm of Midgard for an indeterminate amount of time. He seemed to have found love in the sarcastic and sometimes snarky mortal. He was dressed in a very normal, Midgardian, outfit of a black T-shirt and dark grey pants.
On the loveseat just left of the couch, we find Thor sprawled out, head back, face to the ceiling, in a similar outfit as his brother only the shirt was blue with a bright obnoxious neon blue blazer over it and his jeans were black. Jane sat curled up in his lap, half asleep with a pinched look on her face in a revealing red bustier, American flag hot pants and knee high, red, leather boots. She was trying to will away the headache that was pounding at her brain.
Across from Thor and Jane, on a matching sofa chair, sat Steve Rogers wearing the top half of his Captain America uniform with a black blazer over it and plain black jeans. The blazer was covered in a dried up sticky substance on his right side. A large intricate tattoo of Mjolnir, completely healed and slowly beginning to fade, graced his face with the head of the hammer smack in the middle of his forehead with the handle running down the bridge of his nose. Adorning the top of his head was a cheap bent tiara tangled up in his messy, matted hair. He was leaning forward pinching the bridge of his nose, eyes closed trying to do much the same as Jane.
On the floor to the right of the captain lay an unconscious Clint Barton, arms and legs wide open as if he were about to make angels in the snow if only he weren't laying on the floor of Fury's office. His pink fluffy tutu was rumpled beyond repair with a red, white and blue speedo peeking from underneath it. The pink sequin top he wore, with many missing sequins, was two sizes too big and coming off his shoulders. Barton's deep red lipstick and sparkly blue eyeshadow was smeared all over his face and arms.
On the left of the Captain was Natasha Romanov, standing with her arms crossed, looking like an irate school teacher bringing her students by the ears to the principal's office, clearly not in the same predicament as her teammates and not amused.
Lazily leaning on Fury's desk was our billionaire philanthropist Tony Stark, legs crossed, flipping through a magazine he snatched from the bathroom, looking bright eyed and bushy tailed with only a hint of redness in his eyes and his hair mussed up more so than normal.
Our missing Avenger, Dr. Banner, was sleeping quietly in his room unbothered by the position his teammates were currently in, after all he'd had a long night.
Director Fury strode into his office, anger in his eye, until he laid it on the sad little group his mighty Avengers had been reduced to. He slowed to a stop before his desk giving Romanov and Stark a questioning look.
"Anyone care to inform me what the hell happened last night?" Fury asked as he moved to sit at his desk giving Tony an eyebrow raise. "Really?"
Taking the hint, and rolling his eyes as if by pure reflex, Tony stood from Fury's desk and moved to the space between the large couch and the love seat Thor and Jane occupied. Removing the small lamp from the end table, he sat, legs open and arms crossed with his trademark 'I make too much money to be here' look.
Steve looked up at Fury with pained half-lidded eyes and then turned a questioning glance over to Tony who looked back at him with mild surprise.
"Don't look at me! If I remember correctly," Tony said, looking back to Fury. "You told us to go celebrate our independence because, and I quote, 'you all deserve it' and I think that is exactly what we did. It's not my fault things got weird, well not entirely anyway." He shrugged darting his eyes almost imperceptibly away, tongue in cheek.
"I told you all to have fun, not go to Las Vegas, level two motels, knock the top off the mini Eiffel Tower and SHOOT A HOLE THROUGH CAESAR'S PALACE!" Fury's voice escalated as he spoke, the last a piercing yell.
In response to Fury's outburst, nearly forgotten Jane groaned and buried her head deeper into Thor's chest. Thor opened his eyes, disturbed by her movement and pulled his head up glaring at nothing in particular, looking around the room. He blinked a few times wrapping his arms around Jane, slowly rubbing her back. As his eyes began to focus Thor began to realize where he was and instantly perked up. His mouth opened and instantly snapped shut again seeing Captain America and the pink sequin puff of Hawkeye on the floor, not entirely sure what to say. Wide-eyed, he looked around and noticed his brother cuddled into Darcy on the couch and instantly relaxed with a sigh, he wasn't sure what kind of condition Loki would be in if the Captain and archer were in such an odd state, thankfully there didn't seem to be anything as outwardly ridiculous going on as his teammates. Glancing over to Steve, confusion crept onto his features as he took better notice of the tattoo that was on the Captain's face. "Why, dear friend, do you have Mjolnir etched onto your face?" His voice was a bit gravelly from sleep.
Steve's eyes shot open in surprise, and he began looking around for any reflective surface when Natasha pulled a small mirror from her sleeve and handed it to him.
The look on Captain America's face could only be described as pure and utter shock. "H-h-how did this, I-I don't-" His wide and frightened eyes lifted up to Director Fury. "I don't understand." Four sets of eyes turned to the man who was smirking with a mildly impressed look on his face before he realized he was being silently questioned.
"What!? I only remember bits and pieces of last night and THAT," Tony said pointing to Steve's tattoo "is a bit I do not remember but I wasn't as gone as you guys," he said, waving his finger at the devastated group. "Darcy not included because she, like myself, decided not to take a jab at the heavy stuff Thor convinced Reindeer Games over there to conjure up. I may be a little headstrong sometimes but I know when something looks like it'll kill an elephant herd."
"Asgardian mead? Oh no! That is why we are all in such a state!" Thor scrunched his face in realization of what caused this disaster. "No, why would I do such a thing? I, more than any, know that Asgardian mead is a very strong and potent brew. It should never be allowed past our realm for we know not it's effects on other life forms, especially mortals."
"It seems 'mortals' aren't the only ones who can't handle it," said Tony looking down at Thor and then glancing over to Loki. "If I remember correctly, you two were shit-faced beyond belief. Good thing I evacuated most of the area before things got ugly." "But why do I have Mjolnir on my face?"
Looking down Steve noticed a gold band on his left ring finger "W-why am I wearing a wedding ring?" He whipped his face up to Tony again, the question clear in his eyes. 'WTF HAPPENED LAST NIGHT?!'.
"Oh hey! Yea you got married last night. Congratulations Steve, you're a married man now!" Tony said pointing at him with a smirk on his face.
"WHAT?!" The Captain stood abruptly from his chair only to wobble slightly and sit back down as the headache began to pound harder at the rush of adrenaline now pumping through his veins. A groan escaped him as he brought his hands to his face.
Jane wiggled around in Thor's lap at the outburst. Groaning she lifted her head towards Director Fury, squinting as if the dim lighting in the room was as bright as the sun. "What's everyone shouting about?" she said, nuzzling closer to Thor, not caring that they were in front of the whole team minus one and in Fury's office. "My head is killing me. Where are we anyway?" She proceeded to scan the room as best as her light sensitive eyes could, doing a double take when she saw Hawkeye fluffy on the floor and then up to Princess America and his impressive tattoo. "Oh. Wow."
"Tony, what happened last night?" asked Steve with a worried look on his face.
Tony gave a shrug and looked up to the ceiling, thinking back. "Well it's hard to say. Hawkeye, Thor, Jane and the Mischief Twins all went into the chapel at the same time, so I'm not the one to ask. Me and the doc hung back to unsuccessfully attempt to sober up since it seemed our can't-get-drunk boy scout managed to find himself a brew worthy of intoxicating alcohol itself."
At Tony's words Thor lifted his left hand from Jane's back to see a gold band an exact copy of Steve's. Jane looked at hers only to be disappointed to see no wedding band on her ring finger. "Wait, why don't I have one?" She looked up towards Tony with a confused expression.
"Hey, like I said, I wasn't in there with you guys. Ask them when they wake up." He gestured to Loki and Darcy sound asleep on the couch "They're the only other ones who were in there with ya. Although, having said that, Thor and Cap were getting a little too close for comfort when you all came out. I was getting a little worried about ya but you seemed to be lo-ving-it."
Thor, Jane and Steve collectively looked at Tony with wide eyes and mouths agape and even Romanov and Fury stared on, almost forgetting to conceal their shock for a minute.
"You can't be serious." Jane said hoping against all hope that Tony was just joking, but the look on his face showed that he wasn't and the fact that she herself did not have a wedding band but the two men in blazers did, seemed to bring her to the only conclusion. "Oh my god."
A loud groan came from the floor to the right of Steve, drawing everyone's eyes downward to the pink mass that was the leftover Clint Barton. Pulling his legs together and quickly sitting up, Clint was quickly reminded of the amount of alcohol he had consumed just a few hours ago and just as quickly he fell back to the floor with a loud thud and another groan. "What the actual fuck?!"
"Askin' the tough ones huh Barton?" Tony said with his trademark sarcasm. "I'd say you ran into a costume shop with all the glory and grace of a dying wildebeest and came out looking like Cap's two dollar hooker."
"Hey now." Came Steve's much less offended tone of voice than he felt. Tony decided to address the one of many elephants in the room. "Okay so off subject but not really, I don't remember all these furnishings," he said, waving his hands dramatically around the area they were all seated in and/or laying on, "ever being in your office."
"That is because I was too distracted to teleport each of us individually when the spider phoned everyone to 'assemble' to your leader's office." Came the sleepy drawl of Loki who was nuzzling deeper into the impressive assets of his bedmate, successfully distracting Tony for a whole minute.
"So you teleported the entire room?" Said Steve who was still trying to recover from the whiplash he received from discovering his supposed nuptials to the norse god's adoptive brother.
"Yes well you try doing better with your head feeling as if Mjolnir hit you straight in the face." Moving from his warm haven, seemingly remembering something, he looked over to the Captain and his new facial adornment. The sound that came from the pale dark haired god could only be described as a 'squee' followed by a rhythmic 'hehehehe'. "I see you know exactly what I mean then." Smiling widely, with a quiet chuckle, Loki lazily sat up, nudging Darcy's shoulder attempting to wake her.
"Brother, that is not very nice," Huffed Thor with an upset expression on his face. "And do you know what occurred last night? Why is it that me and Steve have these bands but not Jane and why has Barton been turned into a fairy? Is that your doing?"
"Oh brother, give me some credit. He would be a much more impressive fairy than that sequin mass on the floor. As the man of iron stated only a moment ago he actually did run head first into a costume shop near where we had been drinking. He came out as ungracefully in that hideous outfit stating how he couldn't possibly pass up the ensemble despite it being much too large. Then he proceeded to flash us all that disturbing undergarment and request a blessing to the country from his god."
"Yeah," slurred Clint from the floor. "sounds about right." "As for you two," Loki slowly started stretching his arms and yawning, as Darcy was beginning to finally sit up, looking over to the Captain and then his brother. "It seemed as though, after we left the flashy tavern in which we were happily inebriating ourselves, Thor had the great idea to see if Mr. Rogers could be affected by our homeland's mead and asked me to acquire a keg full of our finest and personal stash." Leaning back onto the couch, as Darcy finally sat up and started stretching without paying attention to anything around her, Loki placed an arm around her shoulders, giving Tony a pointed look. He shrugged as if he wasn't doing anything after catching an eyeful of Darcy stretching.
"Oh man I need to get back to my room," Darcy sighed, eyes still closed, finishing off her stretch and relaxing into Loki's chest. "This couch is killin' my back." She finally opened her eyes. "Woah! When did the boss man move his office in?"
"We're back on base, dear," said Loki with a bored tone. "Fury requested the Avengers to immediately assemble so here we are. Glorious, aren't we?" With a flat face and hands gesturing open to emphasize.
"I need to know what the hell went down out there last night," stated Fury eyeing Loki. "There's millions of dollars in damages I'm gonna have to fork up because you two decided to up the ante with your mead of the gods and unleash it on my team who in turn unleashed on unsuspecting citizens and buildings."
"Like I said, I evacuated before things got ugly. I just sent a few pre-recorded calls out to management and the vicinity was clear before we knew it. Not my first time taking a rodeo to Vegas, although those were normally just me and not the whole gang." Tony stated running a hand down his goatee. "Oh, if my blurry mind serves me right, it WAS Jane's idea for you two to shack up."
"Ah yes, if I remember correctly after me and Darcy tied the knot, she said all the sexual tension was too much to bear and seemed to convince Thor and the Captain to wed," added Loki with a satisfied smirk seeing the horrified look on his brother's face.
Thor's brow furrowed with a childish frown. "But I do not take to the company of men," he said, hugging Jane closely. "My only love is Jane." Thor said into her shoulder looking like a child who was told he had to finish his vegetables.
"Ooooh someone's yaoi obsession was showin' last night huh Jane?" Laughed Darcy. "I remember that dream you told m-"
"Darcy!" Jane interrupted before she could continue, eyes wide and face as red as her bustier. Embarrassment flooded throughher as she shoved her face into Thor's shoulder.
"Yawee? What is this you speak of lady Darcy?" Thor asked innocently while Natasha covered her mouth so as not to show her knowing smile.
"I believe it is a genre of Japanese comics, or manga and animation that predominantly involves male on male interactions, generally romantic." Loki explained.
Wide eyed Thor realized what they were saying. "Jane? Is that what is on your laptop you refuse to allow me to see?"
If Jane's face could go even more red than it already had been, it would. But currently she resembled at a fair skinned child just back from the beach with a mean sunburn.
"I.. Uh... Well," Jane stuttered.
"Oh that? Nah that's her folder of hot sciencey guys she used to have a massive crush on before we hit and tased ya," Darcy said, nonchalant.
"DAMN IT DARCY! Ahhhhh." Jane yelled and fell back into Thor's chest as her head pounded with a vengeance after her outburst. Darcy cringed and mouthed a sorry.
As a frown, with a slight pout, was cast on his face Thor looked like a kicked puppy but still he rubbed Jane's back. He decided he'd ask her about it later in privacy and when she wasn't harboring a massive hangover.
"Brother, what of the rest of our night?" he said, swallowing loudly, Are you certain that me and the Captain are wed?" Thor gazed expectantly.
Looking to the ceiling as if he were trying to remember correctly, Loki sighed. "Yes, brother, I believe so, since it is legal now as far as I can tell in the entirety of the United States for two men to marry. Unfortunately," he said with a smirk, "you are now Mr and Mr Rogers."
Tony, Darcy and, surprisingly, Natasha all made a barking laugh. They quickly shut their mouths, all except Tony.
"Omg, I forgot about that." said Darcy from Loki's side, trying to keep herself from laughing.
"But..." Thor looked so sad.
"There was no bride to be seen aside from mine but you were keen on wearing the veil." Loki's smirk seemed to be a permanent fixture for the day. It seemed as every explanation he'd had to give so far were certainly smirk worthy.
Jane groaned from Thor's chest.
"He's a princess! Captain Princess of America and Asgaaaard!" Natasha rolled her eyes as Clint thrust his arm up in the air to make his statement.
"Ha yeah. Dude, Cap, you'll make a beautiful princess." Darcy said leaning against Loki. The two of them could not take the smirks off their faces.
"Brother, why does the Captain have a tattoo of my hammer on his face?"
"Ah that. Yes, after we were married Tony showed us to a place he called a tattoo shop. An interesting shop indeed. Such beautiful art. It seems the workers there are paid to mar one's skin with whatever images one likes, quite impressively I might add." Turning towards Darcy, Loki brushed a stray strand of hair behind her ear, smiling.
"Oooh. Yea, I got Loki's horn tatted on my ass last night. It's pretty sweet... Wanna see?"
Six no's and two yes's came simultaneously, making Darcy pout a little. She really wanted to show it off. It was pretty cool.
"That doesn't explain why I have this on my face." said Steve, worried and confused but not as upset as before after seeing that his body was rejecting the ink fairly well.
"WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT THE DAMN TATTOO!? I NEED TO KNOW RIGHT DAMN NOW WHO DESTROYED A GOOD CHUNK OF LAS VEGAS LAST NIGHT!" Fury was looking his namesake, vein bulging from his temple.
Jane and Hawkeye groaned at the loudness as Darcy gave a side glance, Loki kept looking bored, Steve huffed, Thor hugged Jane closer, Tony rolled his eyes and Natasha stayed absolutely still.
Clearing his throat, Loki figured he'd try and remember to stop getting yelled at. This hangover wasn't as pleasant as he made it seem.
"Well, after our weddings we took a walk for 'fresh air' as Tony said. He made an offhand comment on how Jane was no longer needed in your relationship," Loki gestured towards Thor. " And that with Mr. Rogers should take over any duties she performed. He got mad on your behalf, but because of the mead he wasn't quite coordinated and ended up hitting Dr. Banner, which caused him to 'hulk out' as you say and our dear Tony offered to try and calm him down. The resulting fight levelled the hotels and knocked off the top of your tower." Loki sat looking at Fury with a 'is that all' look.
"What about the hole in Caesar's?" Raising an eyebrow, Fury scrutinized Loki.
"Ah yes."
"Wooo! That was Loki." said Darcy, clearly leaving her filter off as always. "After we got Bruce calmed down and sent home, Tony got a little handsy checkin' out my wedding ring."
For the umpteenth time that morning, everyone turned to look at Tony.
"Oh come on! I didn't... I don't remember...' Turning toward Darcy, he whispered loudly. "What'd I do?"
In a flash of green mist, Loki was suddenly seated between Tony and Darcy, glaring daggers at the man.
Putting his hands up in surrender, Tony rolled his eyes again.
"Let's just say my hands aren't on my tits but last night, you seemed to think so."
"Ah. I see. Sounds like me," said Tony, nodding his head quickly and standing up. "Well, as fun as this meeting isn't, I've got matters to tend to back at the tower. And by matters, I mean naps. See ya losers." One salute and strut later, Tony was gone.
"I'm sending him the bill." Fury sighed and plopped down into his chair, much too tired to be dealing with this crap.
"Oh! So Steve got the sweet tat because Tony bet him he wouldn't and said if he did he'd get the shield tattooed as a tramp stamp." Darcy said cuddling into Loki's side.
"What!?" Surprisingly, this time it was Fury who was thoroughly confused.
"Yeah haha. He totally did it. It was fucking hilarious." Everyone let out a slight chuckle at the thought of Tony finding the ink later.
Seemingly forgotten, Hawkeye lifted his head, looking around at the group but not entirely seeing. "What if-" he paused to hiccup- "this is all fake and we're all just actors playing superheroes on this huuuuuge set?" He paused to hiccup again. "Going through these... adventures so the people can watch us in this marvelous univ-" Natasha smacked him on the side of the head, closed her eyes to stop herself from rolling them and shook her head. "Shut up Clint."