Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead... dead. Shawn wondered how many times it would take for him to say that word to make it stop sounding so harsh and unnatural. When he and Gus had been younger Gus' parents had told their son about family members that had 'passed' or 'left us'. Pets that mysteriously went to preservation societies in far off countries. Older members of the church who always seemed to move to Florida. At the time it had been an easy way for his parents to avoid explaining death to him.
Shawn and Gus weren't eleven any more. A fact, Shawn was painfully aware of on this cold, windy, Wednesday morning.
Gus was standing in the Psych office, tying a tie in the mirror, a motion he had done hundreds of times, both for himself and for Shawn when his friend had needed a tie. Unfortunately today was one of those days where they both needed a tie. Gus gently loosened the knot and handed the multi-colored tie off to Shawn.
"I think he would have liked this one," Shawn commented as he slipped it over his head. "It has a certain flair about it I think he would have appreciated." He looked at the pink, green, red, silver and brown stripes thoughtfully.
Gus didn't respond. He was tying his own tie, solid black, and staring at the mirror.
"Do you think his mom will be there?" Shawn was still talking.
"I can't imagine why she wouldn't be."
"I'll bet Lauren will be there," Shawn gave Gus a half-hearted grin.
"Probably," Gus muttered, straightening his tie.
"Probably? That's all you've got for the girl you sniffed six months ago?" Shawn sounded a little exasperated.
"I'm not hitting on a girl at a funeral." Gus told him. His voice a little louder then normal.
"I didn't say hit on her, I meant comfort her." Shawn defended himself.
"You know, for someone who claims to have been psychic for the past five years you might have noticed that I don't believe in 'comforting' women at funerals for people I care about." Gus' voice got louder.
"Well I can't comfort her. I've got Jules."
"Maybe if you hadn't gotten Juliet none of this would have happened." Gus snapped and headed for the door.
"Do I need to break out the caramel corn?" Shawn threatened following Gus into the front section of the office.
"I'm just saying, Juliet was supposed to take that call. She's his partner, not me." Gus turned to face him.
Shawn crossed his arms. "You think that I kept Jules away from her job on purpose?" He frowned at Gus. "We got stuck in traffic on the way to respond to the call. There wasn't anything we could do. I know, I've been over the scenario a hundred thousand times and every way that I slice the cake nothing ever comes out the way I want it to."
Gus sighed, "He told me to wait in the car. I should have just waited in the car, Shawn." He looked down at his feet.
Shawn stayed silent. This was the first time he was hearing the story directly from his friend. He had read the police report. He had read the news coverage, but most of that was libel anyway.
"It was after that stupid tap class. We were getting in the car after class and the radio went off. It was a robbery right up the street." Gus was rambling now. "He started running up the block and told me to wait in the car. I got in there and then Juliet radioed that she was held up in traffic. He needed back up. He needed someone..."
"Lassie knew what kind of situation he was putting himself into." Shawn said quietly.
Gus sniffed again and shook his head. "No, he didn't have his radio or his phone. All he had was his glock and his badge. I grabbed the radio and the phone and I ran for the scene. I thought there would be more cars there. Instead there was just that kid running out of the convenience store. Lassiter told him to stop, and then the kid saw me and panicked. I saw a gun, then there was a shot and I thought Lassiter shot him. Then the kid pushed by me and I realized that Lassiter wasn't the one who had fired." He slowly sat on the receptionist's chair.
The chair hadn't been used since they had let Ken go and Shawn didn't want to think about the layer of dust that was on the fabric. He didn't really care, but he knew Gus would.
"This isn't like when my parents told me my bird was in a bird sanctuary, Shawn. Lassiter is really gone." Gus' voice caught in his throat. "I didn't think you'd be so flippant about the fact that the best detective in the city is being honored at a funeral today."
Shawn sighed and sat down on the desk. "I know, buddy. I know that there's no zoo with a Lassiter exhibit." He held up his hands in defense as Gus opened his mouth to object. "I know, I know, less flippant." He sighed again. "But this is how I cope with things, Gus. I don't want to put on a black suit and a black tie and go face the fact that you, Juliet and McNab will burst into tears every time I use the prefix Lassi- on anything. See you're doing it right now!"
Gus furiously blinked away tears. "He deserves some respect, Shawn."
Shawn looked down at the striped tie. "This is respect, Gus. It's respect for what he did, who he was, and how he died. He died saving you, buddy. I can't ever thank him enough for that. Can you imagine what life would be like for me without you? It would suck."
"Life would suck without him, too." Gus blew his nose.
"I know," Shawn put a hand on Gus' shoulder. "It's gonna suck for a while, maybe forever, but if we let ourselves wallow in self pity, Lassie would be pissed. We have to keep catching bad guys. That's what he would want."
They sat there for a while. Shawn wasn't sure exactly how long. "We should probably get going." He murmured. "If we owe anything to Lassie, it's to be on time for his funeral."
Gus nodded and the slowly stood up. He looked so dejected, that Shawn threw an arm around his shoulders and gave him a side hug.
"I'll go out and get the car," Gus said slipping out from under Shawn's arm and heading for the door.
Shawn gave a small smile as he watched Gus leave the Psych office. He and Gus had been friends since before they could talk, well Gus had been able to talk. His vocabulary had blossomed at the age of three. There were so many differences about the two of them, but deep down they were so similar it was scary.
"Spencer, are you ready to go?" Lassiter's voice broke into Shawn's thoughts.
Shawn looked up to where the head detective standing in the doorway to the office. Shawn wasn't standing, he was sitting on the reception desk. He looked down to his hands and saw he was holding the picture from when he and Gus had started Psych five years ago. They were standing in front of the building and smiling. He gave a small sigh and slowly nodded, setting the picture down on the desk.
"Well, let's go then." Lassiter sounded a little stressed. "It's the least we can do for him, be on time for the funeral."
"That and use correct grammar," Shawn muttered, more to himself. An awkward silence fell over them as Shawn shrugged on his suit jacket.
Lassiter shifted from one foot to the other. "I tried everything I could to stop this from happening." He told the psychic, his voice filled with sadness.
Shawn nodded. "I know, I've been over the scenario a hundred thousand times and every way that I slice the cake nothing ever comes out the way I want it to." He repeated his thought from earlier.
Lassiter played with his key ring. "I told him to wait in the car,"
Shawn sighed. "I know, he told... I saw the police report." He changed what he was going to say when Lassiter raised an eyebrow at him.
"I shouted for that kid to drop his gun, but then Guster ran up and spooked the kid. I almost pulled the trigger. I hesitated." Lassiter dropped his gaze. "I heard a shot, and then the kid bolted. For half a second I thought I had actually fired. Then I saw Guster drop to the ground when the kid pushed past him."
Shawn held up a hand to stop him from continuing, mostly because Shawn couldn't deal with hearing what he had read dozens of times in the police report. "Lassie, there was no way you could have stopped it."
They stood there in silence for a few moments. "Do you need help with your tie?" Lassiter asked awkwardly changing the subject.
Shawn looked down at the plain black tie that was draped around his neck. "Yeah... Gus always used to do that for me."
Lassiter quickly tied the tie and handed it back to Shawn who slipped it over his head. "That's a nice tie," The detective commented.
Shawn shrugged. "I figured Gus would have approved."
Lassiter nodded. "Well, we should head out. I'll go get the car." He turned and left the office.
Shawn sighed and looked at his tie again. It probably was Gus' tie, Shawn had borrowed a lot of Gus' things over the years.
Shawn had been over what happened last Saturday afternoon a hundred thousand times. He had added variables, given himself a time machine, made it so Lassiter could shoot lasers with his eyes. He had changed who had gotten shot. That had created the conversation between Gus and himself. The one that Lassiter had just interrupted. And any way that Shawn sliced that cake... someone always ended up dead. Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead... dead. It didn't matter how many times Shawn said the word, it would always feel harsh and unnatural.