White afterimages filled my vision as I relayed to Listening Station Bravo. As I waited for my sight to return to normal, I clutched the piece of paper in my pocket. The scrap felt heavy yet comforting in my palm. I just prayed that I wouldn't need it.
This was going to be the hardest conversation of my life. Harder than when I needed to tell Nate I was pregnant. Harder than when I found out who Father was. Harder than when the first time I had come here and discovered why Danse hadn't told me the truth about him being a synth.
I thought of that day every time I managed to come here and visit. About how despondent Danse had been. He had been on the verge of dying that day, either by my hand or his. It hadn't mattered. He had been ready to die for the honor and glory of the Brotherhood. It had taken every ounce of persuasion I possessed to convince him that he was human despite his origins.
He might have been built in a lab and given a designation like all synths, but Danse was more humane by far than more people who lived in this burnt out wreck of a world. His views were strict and hard, but fair in their own way. He cared about those under his command and protected those who couldn't protect themselves. He cared too deeply really, burying the pain of those lost in this neverending, never-changing war in the depths of his soul so he wouldn't feel it. But I could tell it haunted him despite his protests otherwise.
It was why I loved him. His dedication to his ideals. His unwavering loyalty even when those he had sworn it to had forsaken him, believing him to be nothing more than the mindless evil robots everyone thought the Institute controlled.
When I exited the elevator on the bottom floor, Danse was already waiting for me.
"How do you always know when I'm here?" I asked. No matter what time of day or night I arrived, he would always be waiting for me, alert and ready to head out for the next mission.
"A good soldier is aware of his environment," he said nonchalantly. Then he grinned slyly. "And I have security cameras that alert me to anyone on the premises."
We laughed together, and it was good. It was how Nate and I used to laugh. Us against the world. Two people who shared a relationship that didn't need explaining or too many words. Which was good. Danse wasn't great with expressing himself verbally, although every "off the record" conversation we had shared over the last year was stenciled in my memory. Every hem and pause, every uncertain look as he checked my reaction, the puppy like way he would widen his eyes in surprise or the chagrined expression when I teased him.
When I lean forward and took his hand, he flinched. It was barely noticeable, and I thought no one else would have seen it. But then again, no one else touched him. For the longest time Danse always wore his power armor, even after being expelled from the Brotherhood. But lately I noticed that he was wearing more casual clothes. Today he had on his Brotherhood uniform, one of the small ways he still clung to his past, but better than the shell of X1 power armor he doffed nowadays. Impenetrable armor to separate him from the cruel world. He seemed so small and vulnerable outside of his armor. I was so used to him looming over me that whenever he stood next to me without it, he felt tiny.
"I love you," I blurted. I thought it every time I saw him. I didn't say it often because it made him uncomfortable, but right now I needed the comfort of the words.
Again he flinched, sorrow filling his warm brown eyes. "You shouldn't," he whispered. "It's wrong."
Danse understood love. He loved his brothers and sisters of the Brotherhood, he loved the Prydwen and the home it had been, he loved Elder Maxson, and in short he loved the Brotherhood. But that love was familial, and it was from when he thought he was human. Now he knew he was a synth and believed himself no more than a machine. Something that shouldn't be loved.
"Doesn't change how I feel," I said. I kissed his cheek, reveling in the way his short beard felt against my lips. I could stand here all day, touching and kissing him. But there were other pressing matters that I couldn't put off any longer. I tugged on his hand and lead him further into the base. "Come on, we need to talk."
"Is everything okay?" he asked, guard dog mode instantly initialized. "Has something happened in the Institute?"
"Yes, no. Maybe," I stammered. I sat on the edge of his bed and patted the space beside me. Danse plopped onto it, as nervous as a boy on his first date. I took his hand in both of mine, massaging those calloused fingers, feeling every bump and scar. His hand was freezing, it was constantly cold down here. I didn't know how he tolerated it by himself.
I knew he ached for the comfort of the Prydwen, a home he could never go back to. He told me that he wasn't ready to be around people yet, which was why he hadn't returned to Sanctuary. But maybe there was a third option, if he would accept it.
"You know that Elder Maxson charged me with entering the Institute and to find Dr. Li," I said.
"We… they need her help for Liberty Prime," Danse answered. "It's why they sent us to retrieve the mega nukes for Liberty's payload. Because Liberty Prime was almost fully operational and it needed missiles for its mission." He smiled sadly. It had been his last mission before Proctor Quinlan had decoded the information I had retrieved from the Institute and implicated Danse as a synth.
"Yes. Well, I've been spending some time there lately," I said.
"To look for your son," he said as a nudge when I paused.
"No, I found him. I found Shaun."
"Oh god! That's amazing!" Danse enveloped me in a tight bear hug. "I'm so happy for you. Is he living at the Airport, the Prydwen? No, of course, he's living in Sanctuary. But you should take him to the ship some time. I bet he'll get a kick out of being on the Prydwen and it'll give him a chance to meet some kids his own age."
"Shaun's still in the Institute," I said. And not a ten-year-old like we thought. He was a sixty-year-old man, almost twice my age, and the Director of entire thing. "And this isn't about him. It's about you."
"Me?"
"Yes, and the fact that you're a synth." I huffed out a loud sigh. This had been so much easier in my head, and even then it had been a clusterfuck. "Danse, I think it would be good for you to come with me to the Institute. To see how they live and what kind of people they are. To see what it is like for other synths who live there."
"Are you insane?" Danse demanded. "Why in the hell would I want to do that?"
"Because it's not good for you to be here alone all the time," I yelled back. "You're a soldier, you're meant to be around others. And, to be honest, you're a synth which also means you're built to be around others. Surrounded by your own kind. I don't know. Feel safe and accepted."
Danse stood up and backed away from me, his eyes wide with shock. "I thought you said I was human. Was that just a lie?"
"No! Yes, sort of. It's complicated." I rubbed my forehead. "I just thought that you would like to know more about who you were. Which memories are real and which ones you lost after you were memory wiped. Don't you want that? To know for certain what you lost and what you gained?"
Danse shook his head angrily. "No, and I can't believe you would even suggest it. We can't trust the Institute. You know we can't. They meddle in things humans were never supposed to trifle with. Not only are their ways evil, but how can I be sure they wouldn't try to steal Brotherhood secrets from me? No, never."
"You said you would always follow my lead," I said. "That we would fight together side by side, watching each other's back forever."
"This isn't about going into a Super Mutant nest or a raider den," Danse snapped. "This is about you wanting me to subject myself to the monsters who created me."
I decided to try a different tactic. "The Institute is the only life Shaun has ever known. He doesn't remember life like I do or even what life is like for you. He's only known those scientists and a world with a fake sky. I can't take him away from that life."
"He's ten. He'll adapt." Danse scowled. "I know I had to. Sometimes life changes our perception of what is real and we're forced to accept it. He'll be fine."
"It's more than that, Danse," I said. "I don't want to live up here any more. I want to live in the Institute. It's strange, but I can at least wrap my brain about it. The Institute is exactly the sort of place I imagined the future to be like. It's clean and sterile. There's running water that won't poison me for being too close. There's no radiation falling from the sky. It's beautiful there because it's full of hope. I can be happy there and at least pretend that I'm home, the home I lost because of the war. Unlike in this endless wasteland. This world is broken, and the Institute is the only chance to fix it. They can do it because they actually have technology they understand and can control."
"So you want someplace with a hot shower and a soft bed?" Danse snarled. "Is that it? You sold your soul so you could be comfortable even if it meant the rest of the world burned again?"
"It's more than that! They're not bad people. They're like you and me. There are scientists, and engineers, and biologists. They have the ability to fix the world. And they want to. They're good people. They have families, hopes, and dreams. They have done nothing but accept me with open arms since I arrived there. It's my home, and it's where my family is. It's where I want to be."
"What about the Brotherhood? They're your family. Your brothers and sisters-in-arms."
"No, Danse, that was always your family." Finally, the horrible truth. "That was your dream. Your world. Not mine. I joined partly to find Shaun, but mostly so I could spend more time with you. I was never driven by the Brotherhood's obsession over hoarding technology or proving myself to Maxson. That was you."
"Is that why you disobeyed his order to kill me?" Danse asked bitterly. "Because it meant nothing to you?"
I could see that I was losing him. Danse was closing up, hiding his emotions away behind a grim face. I knew I wasn't making it any better by continuing to talk, but I had to try. I reached into my pocket to feel the crinkle of paper for reassurance before pressing on.
"It's not that it meant nothing. It's just it wasn't my life. And I knew he was wrong. I spent enough time listening to Nate about his time in the military that it's a soldier's responsibility to refuse an illegal order. And Maxson was wrong about you. But most importantly, I refused because I love you, dammit. I was not going to be the one to kill you."
Not unless I had to.
"I swore to Arthur that I had never done anything to betray his trust or the Brotherhood's and that I never would," Danse said slowly. "And unlike some people, I keep my promises." He turned to leave, so I jumped up to follow.
"Where are you going?" I demanded.
"To let them know the truth about you," he snapped. "That you're a traitor and to not be trusted."
"You know as well as I do that you can't go to the airport or the Cambridge Police Station. You promised Maxson that as well."
"With the understanding that I would be shot on sight," Danse said. He pushed the button for the elevator. It shuttered and slowly started its descent. "I'm okay with that. Maxson made sure I understood that I was only alive because of you. If you've betrayed the Brotherhood, then you're not someone I want to be indebted to."
"They would open fire before you could speak a word," I said, hoping he would see reason.
"Then I'll use one of the military frequencies or find a way to get a message to Scribe Haylen. She'll listen to me." He turned his back to me as the elevator doors open. "If you want to stop me, you'll have to kill me."
"I know," I whispered, tears running down my face.
"Then finish what Maxson had sent you to do."
"No, I can't." I wiped my face with the back of my hand before reaching into my pocket. I pulled out the piece of paper. "But there's something I need to tell you before you go."
If he had remembered his life in the Institute, I think Danse could have stopped me. We were within arm's reach and his reflexes to danger were razor sharp. But he had no way to remember about recall codes. I had never told him about the one I had used on Gabriel.
"Goodbye, Danse. I love you. M7-97 initialize factory reset…."
"Hello, Mother. I assume your mission on the surface went well?" Shaun looked up from his desk when I entered his office. His ever-ready smile faded as he took in my companion. " I don't believe I know your friend."
"Shaun, this is M7-97, a synth who was lost to us."
"That's wonderful to hear! We're always happy to have one of our synths returned."
"Hello, Father. I am pleased to be back," M7-97 said dully. His eyes were slightly unfocused and turned downward, unwilling or unable to look upon the man responsible for the creation of his kind. This subservient attitude would take some getting use to.
"He's not been reassigned yet, but I was hoping to have him as a personal synth. Much like Eve is for Dr. Binet," I said. "It would mean a great deal to me."
"Hm, an interesting proposition," Shaun mused. "Not typical for that particular line, but I'm sure we can make the necessary changes. After we make our next set of plans for how to deal with the Brotherhood sound good?"
"Definitely."
"M7-97, you're excused," Shaun said dismissively.
"Actually, he used to be part of the Brotherhood. I believe he could provide us with some excellent intelligence about them that even I don't know. Since he hasn't had a full wipe yet, he should still have access to his old memories about them."
"You don't say? Even more intriguing! Excellent work, Mother! You continue to impress me every time you return." Shaun grinned happily. "I knew you would make an excellent addition to the Institute." He turned to M7. "Will you please tell us all you know about the Brotherhood of Steel?"
"Of course, Father. I live to serve."
M7 and I sat down. I took his hand in mine. Shaun appeared disapproving, but didn't reproach me. As his appointed heir as Director of the Institute, it was my burden to deal with how others viewed my relationships, not his. But now I wouldn't have to face it alone. Danse-or rather, M7-97-would be by my side.
Always and forever.