We're skipping the teaser and the tag line because this is…
The
Shippiest Fic…EVER!
"I had a great time tonight, Will," Jill said as they
stood on the front step of his perfect little house with the white picket
fence.
"I
did too," William Mulder said sheepishly.
His palms began to get sweaty and the hair on the back of his neck stood
on end as her face began to move closer to his. It seemed like an eternity before their lips touched and he could
feel the tender warmth of his first kiss.
"Aww…come
look at this, sweetheart," a mortified William, still in mid kiss, heard over
the sound of his own horror. Standing
in the open doorway was his father.
"And bring the camera!"
Oh
man…
William thought as the first flashes of light enveloped him.
"It's
so cute!" Dana Mulder, formerly Scully but happier as a Mulder, said. "Our little boy is growing up so fast!"
"Hey! Do you mind?" William retorted, obviously
annoyed.
"Uh,
Will," Jill said with a weak little smile that turned him into putty, "I better
go."
"Jill,
wait," he said, but she was already walking out of his view. "Oh great," he mumbled to his parents as he
flopped down in a chair, "now look what you two have done! She'll probably never speak to me again!"
"We're
sorry, Will," Dana said.
"Don't
worry about it," Fox began. "She didn't
look trustworthy. Did you see the way
she hesitated before leaning in? It was like she was afraid of exposing her
neck…her weak spot, if you will…"
Will
gave his father the death glare.
"Hey,
I know what will make you feel better!" he said, ignoring the look. "How about a story?"
"Is
it one about the time you just happened to run out of gas for your snow cat in
the spot that just happened to have the three mile wide UFO Mom just happened
to be kept in and how you just happened to go straight to her, despite the size
of the craft and against all bounds of reason, logic, and probability?"
Both
of his parents shared a stunned look.
"You
know good and well that he was lead to me by love, young man!" Dana said
sternly.
"Riiiiight,"
her son replied.
"How
about I tell you the story of the Chupracabra?
It has a lot of subtitles, but it won the prestigious El Joban award,
which is only given to 600 Mexican soaps a month!" Fox exclaimed, eying the
award on the mantle. He felt great
pride in hammering home a point about racial diversity to the point that it
made audiences sick.
"How
about we tell him the story of our first kiss instead?" Dana insisted.
"But
that story doesn't have mutilated goats or a spicy Latin romance!"
"Shhh…Fox,
honey," Dana said, touching his arm. It
felt so good… "I think…" …so very good… "…my story would be…" She began to
breath deeply. …so warm…so familiar…
She could not stand it any longer and forced her lips to his. They embraced madly, wrapping around each
other like a badgers-horny, horny badgers- their love and lust compiling,
building, amalgaming into something so
beautiful and meaningful that the sun turned away, lit up a cigar, and said,
"Praise God, Halleulah!"
"Hey
hey HEY!" Will shouted, traumatized for the rest of his life.
"Ohh…"
Dana said, looking up at her son and blushing.
She buttoned her blouse quietly.
Fox
chuckled and "smoothed" down his hair.
"Okay,
the story. Our first kiss… Well, I remember it well," Dana
started. "I was sitting in my bedroom,
holding you in my arms when…"
"Wait
a minute…I was born before you two kissed?" William's jaw dropped to the
floor.
"Well…uh…yeah,"
Fox said, not seeing the problem over the immaculate beauty of his love for
Dana.
William
thought for a second, then looked up at him.
"So you're not my real dad?"
"No,
I'm your real dad."
"Then
what the #%@* were you doing getting my mom pregnant before kissing her!?" He turned to Dana. "Were you like a prostitute or something?"
"No,"
Dana said, giving a mischievous grin, "but your father did call me 'Slutty
Scully'."
"Ooh…how
about we get slutty right now?" Fox said, putting his arms around her.
William
cleared his throat.
"Oh,
yeah. The story," Fox said,
disappointed.
"Well,
if you must know why I was pregnant before I kissed your father," Dana
began, "there is a perfectly rational,
logical, rational, and scientific explanation that is very rational. You see, I had had a long, thought provoking
day. That night- the night you were conceived-"
William
shuddered.
"…I ended up at Fox's apartment, where we talked
over a cup of hot tea. We were just about to start one of our intense
intellectual debates over the infinite number of alternate universes our
choices create and the deeper spiritual effect they have on us. Usually that kind of thing turns me on eight
ways from Sunday, but I ended up falling asleep. That night I awoke, and I said to myself. 'You know what, Dana? Seven years of unresolved sexual tension is
enough. Screw backstory!' I thought
about all those times I wrote in my journal about how I yearned for Fox to come
in, throw me over my desk, and kiss me like the rabid baboon he is. So I snuck into his bedroom, and we lit up the
sky like prairie dogs."
The
two exchanged a knowing smile that said "I love you" "I want you" "Let's do it
now" "Not with the kid present" "Meet me in the basement in seven minutes?"
"Make it five" all at the same time.
They
were then interrupted by a knock at the door.
Fox went to answer it, each step making Dana as bothered as a Chihuahua
in heat. Behind the door stood a woman
that looked suspiciously like the one he sweet surrendered with.
"Hello,"
the woman said, extending her hand politely, "my name is Gillian Anderson. You probably don't know me, but I directed
and wrote the episode you're talking about, though I didn't write those
particular scenes. Well, I think you're
missing the point of those scenes. We
were trying to say that you were the right choice for Dana, that your relationship
transcends normal boundaries, that you're meant for each other..." She caught his blank stare.
"So
what are you trying to say?"
She
looked down and bit her lip thoughtfully.
"Well, I think I'm saying that you two did not have sex."
"Shi
jut sed Moulder an Skulley didn't have sex1" a voice shouted behind Gillian.
"Oh
crap," she muttered in awe struck horror, seeing the mad mob charging her.
"Beet
the blind, nutered, soless 1 2 deth111!" another member of the mob, already frothing
at the mouth, shouted.
"Y
cnt u c they luv ech uther?????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!111111"
"Nooooo!"
Gillian screamed. "The grammar! Oh won't somebody please think of the
grammar?!"
Fox shut the door on the sounds of sticks,
poles, and 2x4s slamming against her flesh.
Fox
looked at Dana, who was suddenly starting to resemble Tea Leoni, when there was
another knock at the door. Again, Fox
answered it.
The
mob was gone, having slipped into a convenient nearby plot hole with the genetically
altered corn crops and mutant bees, and instead stood a woman. "Uh, hi, I was just reading the story," the
woman said, "and I was wondering… I thought William was the product of
artificial insemination."
"No
no no," Fox said, shaking his head. "It
failed. It's at the end of some
episode…I don't' know, I was only in it in flashbacks. The point is, Will is the product of the
'Tungunska Bat Dance'"
"Oh
sweet Mother of God!" William said, curling himself into a ball. He muttered incoherently to himself.
Fox
had just shut the door when another knock came. "Yes?" he answered.
"Hi… When did the artificial insemination not
work?" the man on the other side said.
"It
didn't work as soon as we tried it.
It's at the end of that episode…what was it called?"
"I
don't remember, Big and Tastey," Dana chimed in, "but I remember exactly what
you said afterwards. It was soooo
romantic. You said, 'Never give up on a
miracle.'"
"Oh
that episode?" the man said. "I love
that one! Thanks!"
The
door again closed, as the author dropped the Per Manum joke. "So, where were we?" Fox said, turning back
to his family.
"I
was going to take a shower…I feel so dirty…" William mumbled. He hadn't blinked in seven minutes; every
time he did, he could see his parents, doing the "Minneapolis 401 Macarena".
"But
you haven't heard about our first kiss!" Dana shouted.
"Haven't
I enough childhood trauma!?" He left
the room, shaking. "The dirt won't come
off…" he mumbled over and over.
"Well…what
do we do now?" Dana asked, turning to her love, her soul mate, her best friend,
her partner…but most importantly love.
"I have an idea," Fox said, and threw himself
into her. Their love let up the room,
shining brighter than all the street lights in the city, then the United
States, then the whole freaking world and it lit up the Heavens and the Angels
wept and Virgins cried and the Martyrs bled and the sky split in two and even
the Devil himself said, "D***, that's good."
Then
the phone rang, but its ringing was drowned out by the pounding, pounding,
POUNDING of the two lovers hearts as their love raced across hillsides, bounced
across plains, and climbed every mountain top and painted them with roses and
lilies the color of moonlight.
"Agent
Mulder and Agent…Mulder, this is Skinner," a voice said through the answering
machine. "We have a situation down here
at the Bureau. It seems some rabid
alien vampire monkey hybrids have commandeered a super secret aircraft
containing irrefutable proof of contact and…oh my god…they just took out my
Miata! Mulders, you better hurry…it's
getting ugly down here. It looks like
Colonization will happen tonight if it isn't stopped right now. I need you, the
whole world needs you…my Miata needs you!"
But
to Fox and Dana the world was ending and starting again then ending…then
starting yet again right there on the living room floor. It was soooo beautiful because they loved
each other more than two people ever could love each other because they loved
each other with love like no other love.
"It
seems I forgot some clothes to change into," William said as he entered the den
en route to his room, "and…oh my…SWEET MOTHER PEARL!"
He
cried himself to sleep that night and every other night until the day he died.
