Sorry for the long wait, but here it is at long last. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have enjoyed writing it.
Now remember, I do not own any of these characters.
And you might want to keep an eye out for a reference I made to Shrek, it's something Donkey said.
Thank you for your patience and never ending support. Enjoy and please Review, I do enjoy hearing from my readers.
GrowingThunder99
5. Balls and Phone Calls
Zack was glaring daggers at Sephiroth when a knock on the door was heard, a moment later Genesis appeared carrying a box. The mini's watched with interest as he opened it and produced, much to their horrified fascination, two hamster balls.
Sephiroth blanched, his eyes becoming as round as saucers; Cloud buried his face in the couch cushions.
Zack let out a pitiful whimper, while Angeal paled three shades paler. It had to be a dream, it just had to be! No! Not a dream! Worse! A nightmare!
Genesis smiled. They were perfect, wonderful, magnificent! And now so many of his problems were over, his four mini's would be travelling in sets of two's, and they would be much bigger, making it a whole lot harder to step on them. Yes it was ingenious! Why had he not thought of it before?! He was a genius! Ahahahahaha...! Gloooooriiiioussss!
Sephiroth leaped off the couch, dashing for the bathroom where he knew a floor air-vent was situated. It's the only way be safe from that humiliation! This is sooo humiliating! Me, the great General Sephiroth running away in terror of a HAMSTER BALL of all things! But, it's still the only way! He thought to himself as he disappeared around the corner.
Trembling all over, Angeal fled to the kitchens, not even waiting for Zack who leapt off the couch arm doing a bird imitation. The two scrambled around, looking for something, anything, that could hide them. But there is nothing! Nothing at all! No! Wait! There! The two raced each other over the tile floor.
While Cloud merely burrowed deeper into the cushions till there was nothing left of him in sight.
"What?! Where did you go?!" Genesis nearly screeched, looking around him in shock. They vanished. This is unacceptable! Lifting couches, rugs, pictures, books, and chairs; no curtain left unfurled, no cushion left unchecked as the man known as Genesis tore through the room like a madman.
He lifted the last pillow, checking every side and hem should there be a midget clinging to it, but what his eyes fell upon horrified and irritated him. For sitting as innocent as you please, was a hole. Right there on the far bottom left corner.
Within that brief second of being stared smack dab in the eye by the apocalypses itself, SOLDIER 1st Class Commander Genesis Rhapsodos, knew without a doubt that he had just been shot to Hades and back by the same four little menaces that he was positive were giving him grey hairs. And just to make him feel even better, he now had a mini-fied, blonde SOLDIER making mole tunnels all through his most prized pillow!
And said little blonde had probably passed out from oxygen deprivation about five minutes ago.
He ripped at the pillow with the strength of a desperation not even Tseng calling in favours to get out of lunch meetings at the All You Can Eat Lunch Cafe with Palmer could best.
He looked, left, right, up, down, inside and out, and yet nothing. Just as he was about to toss the pillow away, having yanked all the stuffing out, he saw it, exactly what he was looking for. Cloud Strife.
He snagged the blonde by the back of his uniform, gently tugging him out of the swathing white fluff he'd tried to bury himself in; a moment later, he was plunked in a ball.
One down, three to go.
In the bathroom
He'd ransacked the place, he'd even taken the vacuum to it, but still nothing, where was Angeal? Where was Zack? Where was Sephiroth? He couldn't find them anywhere!
Cloud sulked in his plastic prison.
Sephiroth scrunched himself deeper in the corner. Slowly, the thunderous footsteps receded; Sephiroth released the breath of air he had been holding. Only realizing his mistake too late. "Ahh..ahh..."
"...CHOO!" Genesis halted in his tracks, bingo! With the agility of a monkey, the commander swarmed the air vent, reaching in only to yank his hand back with a yelp, Sephiroth had just stabbed him! How dare he! His eyes blazed red as his sucked on his wounded finger.
Sephiroth obviously hadn't realized that he had just pushed open the Pandora's Box, until a hand was thrust into his sanctuary once again, he tried to react on time, only to fail miserably as his tiny frame was enveloped.
Sephiroth paled as he was brought face to face with Genesis, who, for some odd reason, had sprouted horns and a long spear tipped tail. Wait, what?! Sephiroth shook his head in disbelief. That's ridiculous. As he peered up at his old friend again, breathed a sigh of relief as the horns and tail disappeared, leaving the poetry loving commander normal once again. Until Genesis mercilessly confiscated Masamune and pushed him in with Cloud having his own private sob session.
Cloud scrambled out of the way before Sephiroth could land on him.
Two down, two to go.
In the bedroom
It. Was. Hopeless.
The blankets were thrown off the bed, the pillows almost dissected, the curtains torn off the walls, the dressers pulled askew, the drawers left open with clothes hanging out everywhere. And still nothing. Genesis pounded his head into the bed mattress. Where could they be?!
A hamster ball rolled up behind him, bumping repeatedly against his leg.
Genesis scowled down at it.
Sephiroth stood tapping his foot on the curved plastic surface while Cloud cowered beside him, rubbing the back of his head where he had been cuffed for being rebellious.
Scoffing lightly at his mini-fied friends glares, Genesis gazed around him in one last hope.
Nothing.
Scoffing again, he stormed down the hall, knowing exactly where he was going. He'd already ransacked the living-room, bathroom, and bedroom, and murdered his linen closet, leaving only one other place not yet checked.
Sephiroth and Cloud scrambled after him.
In the kitchen
Genesis scurried here and there, lifting pots and pans, emptying cupboards, drawers, and pantry, moving any and all moveable objects, mainly the stove, fridge, cups, bowls, etc.
Yanking open a cupboard, removed all its contents and then peered inside. It was too dark to see anything.
Zack hid in the far corner, breathing lightly and staying absolutely motionless.
He'd been there paralysed when he saw the door open, the metal bowls and bottles being removed, the giant head poking in and swivelling, at times staring right at him, and then saw it leave. Just as he was about to relax and actually dare to twitch, he heard something, it was big and loud, it was rolling across the kitchen floor, it was stopping in front of his cabinet! It was coming for him!
Genesis flicked on the switch, chuckling with satisfaction as his brand new, Turbo-Extra-Clean Power Vacuum roared to thunderous life.
Zack quaked in his dark corner, he could feel his body trembling, his knees knocking, his hands growing sticky, his brow getting sweaty, his pulse quickening, his mouth going dry, his eyes bulging, and his brains short circuiting. It was the most terrifying sound he had ever heard, the most petrifying situation he had ever face, and the most humiliating ending he could have ever imagined.
It would probably be all over ShinRa before the day was gone! He could see it now, an official bulletin news flash:
"THE NEW SOLDIER 1ST CLASS, ZACK FAIR, DIED EARLIER TODAY, KILLED BY A MANIC VACUUM CLEANER."
He couldn't repress a shudder at the horrible mental image.
Genesis giggled insanely as he reached in to the cabinet, vacuum hose in hand.
THERE IT WAS! THE BIG EYELESS EYESOCKET WAS STARING RIGHT AT HIM! IT WAS COMING FOR HIM! THE HUGE ETERNALLY RAVENOUS BEAST WAS GOING TO EAT HIM ALIVE!
Desperately searching, this way and that for anything to hold on to, sobbed grief-stricken when he found nothing.
The roaring increased as Genesis put the suction on full.
Crumbs and dust particles whipped forward, vanishing down the eyeless beast's gullet, Zack could feel the suction tugging forcefully on his clothes, his body steadily slipping towards it even as he scrambled backwards, but it was in vain. And then it happened, just like that.
Genesis heard it happened, heard the terrified scream rise momentarily above the roar of the vacuum, felt the large thing land on the hose mouth, and then with a THUCK! and a tremendous intake as the vacuum rose up higher on its wheels, it was sucked down the throat.
It was pitch black and the walls were smooth as he blasted deeper face first, he was in the long tunnel. Slowly, ever so slowly, a small glimmer appeared in front of him. It was then that he remembered Angeal's last advise.
"Don't die Zack, and remember, if you see a long tunnel... stay away from the light!"
Zack panicked, arms reaching out to the tunnel walls, in a last attempt to stop. His nails scrapped along the hose, but it was futile, and with a last "Goodbye cruel world!" was shot from the darkness into the blinding light, and found himself free falling, or floating to be precise, and Zack knew, without a doubt, that he was now officially dead.
Genesis smirked triumphantly at the small SOLDIER now floating in his vacuum's dirt-bucket. Mission accomplished.
Three down, one to go.
...
Tseng massaged his temples.
Their residential floor was a complete mess, the accountants on the floor above were complaining about the disturbance of their peace and quiet, the President had been on the line demanding answers.
His subordinates were in a complete disarray, sorting files, collecting scattered elastics, pencils, erasers, paperclips, and other office appliances. Many of them were guzzling potions for the welts and minor injuries they had acquired, while Gun and Cissnei were terrorizing the place like enraged mother– scratch that, father dragons.
Reno was now lost somewhere in the ventilation shafts, and Tseng would never figure out how a fully grown man like him had managed to squeeze his entire body through a four by four inch opening, with the metal screening still on. They had all taken turns inspecting the screws, not a single one had been tampered with, in fact they were rusted shut. Perhaps he had learned the way of Osmosis.
Tseng massaged his temples.
Flipping through his list of needed repairs, groaned, somehow Rude had managed to bash a body shaped hole into ever cubical wall on the entire floor, how the big man got out of it without brain-damage, he would never know.
Pausing momentarily on a line that read "Clean up toxic waste spilled on carpet and walls, and repair the eaten through walls, carpet and all the floors down to the parking garage in the basement." restrained a sob of despair when a loud bang resounded around his office.
"Sir. The janitorial comity have decided to sue you on the charge of overworking them. The secretarial pool are demanding compensation for their pool table. Rufus ShinRa demands you take responsibility for killing his pet dog by dumping toxic waste on it from five floors above. And the President says that if you don't buy him a new Mercedes bends to make up for the one your toxic waste melted a huge hole through you will be attending every lunch meeting with Palmer for the rest of your life, sir." the unfortunate messenger reported, before running for dear life when a hot cup of coffee came flying at his face.
Burying his face in his hands, Tseng sobbed. "Is it even possible for this day to get worse?!"
"You know, saying that might jinx it for you."
Snapping his head to attention, Tseng stared at the clean-ex box being held out to him, up at the Engineer, and then back to the box. Finally sighing, excepted the proffered tissue with a strained "Thanks."
Reeve Tuesti gave his old friend a gentle smile as he eased himself into a chair.
The crumpled tissue hit the trash can as the now restored Tseng looked him over with a critical eye. "What happened to you?"
"Commander Genesis Rhapsodos, a stack of biology books, and a shrieking fern happened." the man said, tenderly touching his black eye.
"A shrieking fern?" Tseng raised an eyebrow as he settled back for the story.
Reeve obliged, including the story from Genesis.
By the time he had finished it was well passed 4:00 o'clock in the afternoon. And if Tseng hadn't been quite so professional, he probably would have been holding his aching sides.
"And the whole thing started when someone, no one knows who, swapped out Zack Fair's lightening materia for a shrink materia, you say?"
Reeve nodded, he knew it was hard to believe, but then again, they did work for ShinRa. And if an unknown singular species known as Hojo could exist, it was definitely possible.
Filing the information the back of his mind, Tseng stared down at the documents covering his desk. "I think I need to make a phone call."
"A phone call? To who?" Reeve asked, leaning forward in his seat with interest.
"..."
"Oh no... you can't mean... HIM. Tseng... him... you can't... he is... no, it is... absolutely crazy. Madness." the Engineer stuttered disturbed beyond description as he leaned way back in his seat, as though the very thing itself was suddenly standing on the desk in front of him.
"I know how you feel, Reeve. But do we have any choice?"
"Maybe not but you could at least look for something els... wait 'we'? No, no no no no no! Not 'WE'! YOU! I'm not having anything to do with this!" Reeve declared, leaping to his feet as he fled towards the door.
Tseng snapped his fingers.
At the very sound Rude and Katana appeared in the door way, catching the panicked Engineer in a vice like hold as they escorted him back to his seat.
"What are you doing?! Let me go!" Reeve shriek, struggling to stand, but being mercilessly retrained.
Leaning back with a smug look, Tseng tapped his index fingers together in front of his chest. "Now Reeve, you and I have been together through thick and thin, you're not going to abandon me now are you?"
"YES I–!"
"And besides, you are already privy to the actions about to be made here. Reeve, Rude, Katana, you are to be my accomplices in crime, if any of you so much as say one word about this to anyone, now or hereafter the deed is well over, you will be doomed to spend the rest of your lives attending lunch meetings with Palmer. Do I make myself clear?"
"But why do I have to–?!"
"Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes." The Engineer whispered, now sitting very still as though afraid that the slightest movement would bring HIM the apocalypse itself crashing into the room that very second.
"Um Tseng?" Katana breathed, "What are we accomplices in?"
"I'm about to make a phone call to, HIM."
Katana began to shake as Rude pales, both looking like they were about to make a run for the door themselves. But Turks were made of stern stuff, they were trained for things like this, they could handle it, hopefully. So with a pathetic "Understood sir." the two stood their ground.
"Good. Now close the door and be quiet. I'm about to make the call."
His orders were accomplished before the first button was pushed. And then they all waited in terrified anticipation as Tseng waited for the dial tone.
Three rings and no one picked up.
"Maybe HIM isn't hom–."
"Ah HIM. There you are. It's me Tseng. Listen, I have a favour to ask..."
...
Genesis had gone over his entire house twice over now, but still there was no sign of Angeal. Where could he be?
Two hamster balls bumped into each other a few feet away.
Pausing as he watched them, the redhead Commander swallowed. So parched. Walking slowly into the kitchen, grabbing a glass from the cupboard as he made his way to the fridge. A nice glass of fresh cold water sounded just right for him. The fridge opened with a *fwoosh*.
*Plop*
"ANGEAL!"
Angeal woke next to a warm bag, his entire body