Title: Without the Weight of Being Whole
Author: loraineee
Rating: PG
Warnings: Spoilers for 3.25, "The Graduates"
Summary: Introspective Ryan piece.
He doesn't feel shocked or sad. Can't feel much of anything, really. Just the rocks digging into his knees and the cold from the asphalt seeping through his jeans. That and the heavy deadweight in his arms. He closes his eyes and opens them again, but she's still there and the smell of chlorine and copper won't go away. He says to himself, "This is Marissa. She's going to Greece to be with her dad. I'm driving her to the airport."
And he says that again to the man that stops and asks if he can help. The man stares and asks if Ryan's okay, if he's hurt anywhere.
Ryan says no, that he's fine but asks the man if he can give them a ride to the airport because Marissa shouldn't be late. He starts to stand, pulling Marissa up with him, and the world spins. It's the last thing he remembers for a long time.
He wakes up in on a gurney in a dark corner of an unfamiliar emergency room. His head pounds and he's got some bruised ribs at least. There's an IV in the back of his right hand and the tape pulls his skin as he reaches to his forehead. He groans as someone turns on the light at the head of the bed.
"Ssh, kiddo. You need your rest." Sandy's voice comes from Ryan's left and a hand squeezes his shoulder. "It's okay now. Everything's okay."
Ryan's eyes slide close and right before he falls asleep again he feels Sandy's hand around his own, warm and dry.
The next time he wakes up, Kirsten is at his side, her face drawn and tired. She doesn't notice him right away and when she does, her face contorts into a tight smile.
"Kirsten. What happened?" The smile disappears and she picks at his blanket, avoiding his eyes. He reaches for her and asks again.
"I'll get Sandy for you, okay, sweetie?"
"Just tell me, okay. Please. Tell me." He can't keep the whine out of his voice. His head hurts and he can't remember and everything's fuzzy around the edges. There's something he's supposed to be doing; somewhere he needs to be. This is all wrong. This is all wrong and he needs Kirsten to make it right.
She bites her lip and leans over the railing of the gurney. "I'm so sorry, Ryan. You were in an accident. With Marissa and she didn't make it." She touches his face and hair.
Ryan's headache focuses itself over his eyebrow and brings a sudden clarity. He squeezes a fist in the sheets and closes his eyes tight. Kirsten makes fretting noises.
"It's okay, honey. It's going to be okay." She sounds like she's lying, but he can't hate her for that. It's not her fault. Nothing is okay, but when has it ever been.
"Oh." It's all he can say. "Oh." So he focuses on taking slow breaths with sore ribs and the pounding in his head and slips under for a third time.
When they get him back home, he stays in the guest room on the first floor and Kirsten brings him weak tea and more blankets. Seth brings him comic books and dvds. Summer can't look at him for more than three seconds without bursting into tears, so she only stops by the one time.
Sandy though, Sandy stays by his bedside and reads the comic books, pointing out the "hot chicks and rad dudes" as he waits for Ryan to say something.
Ryan doesn't know what to do with that. There's not much to say. He thought, for once, that something would work out, that everyone he loved would be happy and that he'd go off to college and everyone would be fine and alive. But he'd always known it wouldn't work out that way, and why hadn't he warned anyone?
After along time, he asks Sandy if they called his mom; that she should know about the car.
It doesn't get any easier. Julie glares at him during the funeral but then slumps in her seat and shakes. Kaitlin is there and she is quiet and awkward at the reception. She gives him a handful of papers from Marissa's desk and one of her shirts.
Summer hugs him for a long time and tries to feed him funeral food. He wishes more than anything that he could close his eyes and wake up. That this would be Caleb's funeral and that Seth and Summer and Marissa could go with him to the Bait Shop and get shot at, but no one would die. But he is Ryan Atwood and life doesn't work that way. People leave you, you fuck it up, and the people you love are gone forever.
He goes back to his room and hugs Marissa's shirt. He tries to smell it, like some pathetic, lovesick boy, and all he can smell is chlorine and copper.