Well, here's a oneshot to prove I'm not dead - merely on vacation from madness. It's bothersome, but I don't get along with my brain very well so I'm sure I'll be back shortly. This is yet another take on the relationship between XIII and VIII (Roxas and Axel, but I'm sure you all knew that), pre-KHII. It's not the usual; at least, I don't remember seeing many like this one. I always wondered...without memories, and living among beings who do not - or at least, pretend to not - feel, how was he able to understand the 'phantom feelings' they supposedly get? This is an attempt to not only explore that, but also to return to my pleasantly chaotic state of mind. I'm horribly sane at the moment, and it's having an effect on my creativity.
Note: Dialogue will not have quotation marks, for the most part; instead, it's in italics. This is because I wanted to show the difference between 'then' and 'now.' At the very end, speech will look normal, because it's happening currently.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything Kingdom Hearts, or Disney.
You make me feel like I have a heart.
And that, precisely, was the problem, Roxas mused. VIII was the most vibrant and lively among the Organization, and during the three months he'd been mentored by the redhead, he had felt (for lack of a better term) himself adapting to the situation – becoming like VIII. It was not the good thing VIII thought it was.
He knew that he would, eventually, leave the Organization. After meeting the rest of the members, he had many more questions than answers; more questions than he had asked to begin with.
It was maddening.
And then there was his mentor's almost unhealthy attachment. Something in your eyes, the redhead would say, ruffling his hair in a mockery of fondness. He could, possibly, use that to his advantage…
He was 'that heartless,' after all.
It was like bathing in fire, without getting burned. Somehow, despite his inexperience, Axel knew exactly what to do to elicit pleasure in Roxas' body.
He would admit, later, that it was probably easier to understand the workings of a male body, because he was male himself; but at the moment, Axel was merely lying on his side, looking at Roxas with something akin to utter contentment. It had to be a façade…it was impossible. Impossible.
You are unlike anything I've ever seen before, Axel informed frankly. Roxas felt something tugging at his stomach and throat, and he labeled it 'guilt.' He didn't understand it at all.
A stray memory, perhaps?
Are you…are you crying? Shit, you're crying.
Roxas frowned as Axel wiped away a forming wetness under his eyes. He raised a finger to the moisture and licked it experimentally. Is that what this leakage is? I've experienced it once before; after we separated on that mission in Agrabah. I was cornered by several guards, and I was specifically ordered to not exterminate anything human, as we needed them for Heartless. I jumped from a platform, so I could have enough time to create a portal. I landed strangely, and something happened to my knee. It hasn't happened since then – the awful sensation or the leakage. What causes this?
Axel gave him a very odd look and replied, slowly, A lot of things, I guess. Pain, for one – that's what you felt when you hit the ground. I remember something about emotional trauma or extremity, but… The sentence trailed into silence, and Axel only gazed at him in a weary manner. Whatever it was, it's obviously gone now. C'mere. It's late and we have to get up early for recon in Port Royal.
Roxas acquiesced with a confused nod of his head, and scooted forward into Axel's arms. The last thought he had before drifting off to sleep was not of 'crying.' Rather, he wondered what he would experience if they did more than just hold each other and 'make out,' which was what Axel called what they had done previously.
When he woke, he cursed himself for the thought. He was not supposed to fall into his own trap. It was unsettling to notice that despite his own personal gains, he was pleased that Axel had enjoyed their little encounter.
It was not going according to plan, and he needed to fix that immediately.
At first, Roxas had thought his mentor – who called Roxas his 'best friend,' for reasons as of yet unknown to him – had somehow learned a way to control a person's body and thoughts, because Roxas couldn't seem to stay away. He found himself actively seeking the comfort of the redhead's embrace, despite the impossibility of the comfort itself.
The tugging on his stomach and throat was always present, now, but he'd learned to suppress and ignore it. His eyes never leaked – cried – any more. There were other strange sensations, located in his chest region. Nice sensations.
Having no memories of his former life and therefore no understanding of these situations, he had tried to analyze them, but his findings were inconclusive. He had learned to suppress those as well; it wasn't conducive to his needs.
It pleased him to watch Axel move; unless he was concentrating, he was graceful and smooth, and Roxas could clearly understand why his moniker proclaimed him the Flurry of Dancing Flames. It was truly a pity – had he truly existed, Axel would have no trouble attracting others, despite his odd features.
A nasty sensation coursed through him, and he recognized it as the very same one he'd experienced when Luxord had snagged the Hollow Bastion mission. Admittedly, this was much more intense; it burned like acid and left a bitter 'aftertaste' in his system; but when he'd asked Axel about it, he'd been informed that it was called 'jealousy.'
He hadn't bothered to mention to Axel that he'd actually experienced it; and, in retrospect, that was a good decision because it had again popped up suddenly and he was able to beg off their usual trip to Twilight Town in favor of 'nursing his stomachache.'
Impossible.
He had been right, and he had been wrong, in thinking of increased intensity if he and Axel did more than just touch and kiss. It was pleasurable, definitely, but the tugging – he now knew he could accurately label it 'guilt' – increased tenfold, which made the whole thing less enjoyable.
Axel never stopped looking at him as if he were a gift; as if Roxas had answers to questions he'd never voiced.
But that was impossible; Roxas didn't even have the answers to his own questions. He remembered his promise to himself; to not get caught up in his own trap; and found that it had been a futile effort from the start.
Seduction for personal gain, after all, was not supposed to be done with previous attachments to the target. He had been careless. And the endeavor had proved to be useless; Axel held little regard for rules and regulations unless it served him personally, but he had flatly refused to answer any of Roxas' questions…which meant he was attached in a very intimate way.
Impossible.
Guilt was everywhere, running through his veins, impeding his thought process, making him unable to look Axel in the eye. It was a soft torture; for his misdeeds, he had been imprisoned within his own mind, forced to watch as Axel came to believe himself real.
It was early morning when he heard it.
I don't love you.
And his insides burned in the most intense, unpleasant manner. Me neither.
Of course, Axel looked 'delighted.' Roxas didn't bother to tell him that he had mostly been speaking of himself.
He was some kind of monster, he was sure of it.
It was tender like pillows, beautiful like real stars, and Roxas hated it. Axel knew how to make him want to stay. It was impossible. Impossible. But the sentiment went both ways…
You make me feel like I have a heart.
He'd previously planned to leave everything behind, and search for answers. But it wasn't enough now. He couldn't keep his findings to himself; he would have to, eventually, come back for Axel. He would have to tell him everything before he left, and give Axel the choice.
He wanted to keep his attachments, but he was sure Axel would want nothing to do with him, once the truth was uncovered. Perhaps it was easier that way, for both of them, but Roxas would eventually come back and find a way to give part of 'Sora's' heart to Axel.
It wasn't in the original plans, to eliminate his former self, but he couldn't…couldn't…
"He made me feel…like I had a heart."
Roxas is forced to watch as Axel slowly disappears, consumed by his own fire. He sports a defeated expression – his desperation has fizzled into resignation, and the beauty of his flames has fizzled into nothingness.
He wants to go to him. The guilt has long been gone from him; he has no body to store it, and Sora's mind can't comprehend the foreign intrusion, so it flies under the radar; but he can remember.
I'm sorry, he wants to say. For everything. For believing I could use you. For misleading you. For discarding you so freely.
For impossibly falling in love with you.
But it doesn't come out, and Sora's eyes don't even leak. Roxas is too far integrated into his system by now. He can really only do one more thing as himself, before 'himself' becomes nothing more than a combination between Sora and the false personality of which he hasn't been able to rid his instincts.
"Why would he pick you?"
But he has no intention to defeat Sora. Without Axel to share it with, the heart is useless, and to sabotage Sora's mission would be to disrespect Axel's memory. He merely wants to work out the last of his aggression, so the Key of Destiny can fall into oblivion for good.
A stream of consciousness will remain, but now it is sure that it will not be his.
And he says his parting words to Sora, and he leaves a gift of darkness for protection, and he's fading –