Author's Note – set immediately post season 4 episode 'Upgrades' because I thought they didn't make nearly enough of all the enhanced stuff, like hormones, endurance, speed, combined with the reduction in reasoning ability … Let me say for the record that I make absolutely no apology for the fact that that's where my brain went when I saw this episode!

Spoilers & Warnings – S4 'Upgrades' as mentioned above. This is as smutty as you want to make it and it's a bit shippy (Jack & Sam) but no actual congress is depicted. I leave that to your imaginations.

Disclaimer – All remain the property of MGM, Gekko, etc, no offence intended and no money changes hands.

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General Hammond waited until the last of 'his people' had taken their positions in the briefing room, taking the opportunity to assess the wary but composed faces turned towards him.

'People, I've called you all here this morning because, as you're no doubt aware, a routine security check has identified an unexpected audio anomaly in the Gate Room approximately two minutes after SG12 returned from their mission at 1500 hours yesterday afternoon. Other sensors around the base have also picked up subsequent and similar events over the following ten minutes. These events are brief, none we've so far detected has exceeded a quarter of a second in duration, and as we speak each is being analysed by our technical experts to see if we can identify exactly what they are and where they're coming from.'

'One of the first things we're trying to establish is if there's a link or pattern to the location and sequence of the events. So far we've detected six separate episodes. The first, as I've already explained, in the Gate Room, followed by subsequent events in Major Carter's Lab, the Infirmary, the Briefing Room, my office and, for some reason, the Locker Room. If we work on the premise that some sort of sentience is involved, and to cover all eventualities we do need to work on that assumption, People, we've yet to establish why they've chosen these particular locations.'

'Old times' sake?' opined Jack quietly and to no one in particular.

Not quite catching what O'Neill had said, the General turned just in time to see the man double over as though in pain, before catching the wide, innocent and supremely attentive gaze of Major Carter standing next to her CO.

Despite the sombre mood in the room, and ignoring O'Neill's shenanigans, he found himself smiling at the young woman. If anyone were capable of working out exactly what was going on here, and how they were going to be able to fix it, it would be Major Samantha Carter. It was her resourcefulness, persistence and sheer brilliance alone that had saved them more times than he really cared to remember.

Allowing that small reassurance to give him strength, he turned back to the room at large, 'I'm sure I don't need to remind you all of the seriousness of the situation we face here. We are the front-line in Earth's defences and, until we can confirm otherwise, we are treating this as a potential foothold scenario. With that in mind, I'd like each of you to make yourselves available, in whatever capacity is required, to Major Carter and her technical team.'

Colonel O'Neill looked as though he was going to say something further but before the words could be uttered another spasm of pain flickered across his face and he obviously decided to keep whatever he'd been about to say to himself.

Aware by now that the cause of O'Neill's discomfort was the woman standing beside him, and that she was probably doing a better job of controlling the man than he himself had ever managed, the General wisely chose to ignore the interruption, instead snapping a loose salute to the room and retreating to his office with a muttered 'Dismissed, People.'

Waiting while the others filed out of the room, most of them first offering the time and expertise of themselves and their teams to Carter, Jack tried to concentrate on keeping his expression as cheerfully bland as possible, acknowledging their greetings with a quick smile and rocking back and forth on his heels with impatience. As the last of them left, he caught his 2IC's elbow 'Jeez, Carter, did you ever think of sharpening these things? Ya never know, they might come in handy off-world.'

Pulling her arm away from his firm and slightly disturbing grip and turning to face him, she hissed 'I don't know what you're playing at but are you actually trying to get us caught here, Colonel?'

Jack threw his hands up in mock surrender. 'Hey, we wouldn't even be in this position if one of us …' with exaggerated care he pretended to look around for the culprit '… hadn't turned out to be a Screamer!'

'Oh, look who's talking Mr 'Come on, Carter, let's do it in the Gate Room.'' She refused to give ground, narrowing her eyes and shoving at him with the flat of her hand. 'And it's not my ass they're hearing going sonic on those damn recordings.'

With all the emotional restraint of a truculent four year old, Jack spat back at her, 'Yeah, okay, I'm willing to accept I mighta been pushing for the Gate Room but there's no way in hell I'm letting you pin your Lab and the Infirmary on me! Those were all your idea, Carter.'

By now pushed beyond the point of reason, Sam grabbed the front of his shirt, using the leverage to pull herself up onto her toes and get right in his face, 'Oh right, and I had to drag you kicking and screaming all the way?' It wasn't really a question. 'And while we're discussing it, let's not forget about the General's office, …' she let the sentence hang in the air a little '… Sir.'

So far beyond riled that he wasn't even noticing the subtle and calculated insults by this stage, Jack used both hands in the struggle to release the front of his uniform from its death grip in her fists. 'Not so fast, Carter, the way I remember it, that one was definitely mutual!'

'Colonel? Major?'

Both officers froze.

Amazed to find two of his most senior and respected offices scuffling in his briefing room, he continued; 'Is there something you're not telling me here?' The barely controlled anger in their usually stoic CO's voice was enough to have them leap apart and snap to attention.

'I'll repeat the question, shall I? Colonel O'Neill, Major Carter, is there something, pertinent to our current crisis, that you're not telling me?'

'No, Sir.' Jack did his best to inject as much certainty as he could into the short phrase. He waited for Carter to agree with him.

'Well. Sir, I think what you're picking up on the tape might be …'

'No, Sir, nothing at all' Jack cut across Carter before she managed to get them both Court Martialed.

Choosing to ignore the Colonel's interruption, Hammond kept his eyes fixed on the guilty face of the young woman whose intellectual praises he'd been mentally singing only minutes before. 'Major?' he repeated quietly.

'Aw jeez, Carter, please tell me you're not going to just tell him?' Jack muttered, more for his own benefit than anyone else's.

'Well, Sir, as I was just saying before I was … rudely interrupted,' Sam shot Jack a quelling look, giving a brief shake of her head and doing her best to let him know she wasn't quite that stupid and he should just try keeping his mouth shut. For a change. 'Yesterday while Colonel O'Neill and I were wearing the Atanik armbands we … thought we'd just … check the security capabilities of the base.'

Hammond's eyebrow's rose to somewhere in the vicinity of his non-existent hairline. 'How so, Major?'

'Ah, Sir, we decided to see exactly how fast we'd need to move in order to avoid the motion sensors and the security cameras.' She looked at him pleadingly, 'Sir, we didn't see any need to tell you at the time because we thought we hadn't been detected, then the whole blowing up Apophis' ship thing happened, the armbands fell of and it, sort of, got lost in the bigger scheme of things. We completely forgot about the audio sensors.' Her explanation tailed off, but her eyes stayed locked onto his face, begging him to believe her.

Jack, the relief still buzzing in his head, decided now might be a good time to put his oar in. 'Don't blame Carter, General, it was mostly my idea.' He didn't have to look to know that Carter's eyes had turned from the General to him, no doubt in astonishment, and he had no intention of meeting that gaze right now. Particularly not when he was trying to do the gentlemanly thing here. 'I was so … pissed … when you wouldn't let us go off-world with those damn armbands and I had all this excess …' he waved his hands, seeking the right word, ' … vitality, Sir. We just decided to make use of it. I am so sorry that it seems to have got a little out of hand and I know we really should have said something earlier.' Like Carter, his explanation tailed off under the crushing stare the General was directing at him.

'Are you telling me that I have this base locked down and on a Level 1 Security Alert because you two needed to run off some energy?' Hammond's voice rose, his eyes wide and his heightened colour making Carter wonder just how fast Janet could get a medical team to the Briefing Room in the event of a General suffering a heart attack. She decided this was probably a concern she should keep to herself for the moment.

'Pray, tell me Colonel, exactly how do you suggest I relay this new information to the President?' Hammond continued in a deceptively quiet tone.

'Well. You could always tell him it was an impromptu security drill.' Jack smiled his most reassuring smile at the General. 'And fortunately it looks as though we all passed with flying colours, Sir!'

The General took several deep breaths and Jack was reminded vividly of being charged by one of his Uncle's bulls when he was 10. In the moments before he'd been able to jump the fence, he was certain he'd seen exactly the same look on that animal's face he was now seeing on his CO's. Jack, being Jack, also couldn't stop himself from thinking that the bull had had more hair however.

'I'm speechless.' Shaking his head, Hammond went to turn back to his office before spinning to face the pair of miscreants he'd nurtured throughout his command of the SGC. 'Don't think this is over, Colonel. I'm now going to do my utmost to convince the President that I am running a highly classified, secret US Air Force facility, not some sort of crèche and you two' he paused to once again gain control of his breathing, 'are going to sit down and think very deeply about the consequences of your actions. I would like to see, hell no I demand to see, written apologies from both of you for the disruption you've caused here and I will be considering very carefully what my next course of action is.' He sent one final glare in the direction of the two cowed individuals in front of him. 'Do I make myself clear?'

'Yes, Sir.'

'Yes, Sir, General, Sir.'

'Now, get out of my sight. I don't want to see either of you again until I've had a chance to calm down and done my best to fix this 'little problem' you've created. Dismissed!'

He didn't even wait to see them depart the Briefing Room before stalking back to his office.

In the corridor outside the Briefing Room, Jack was the first to get the adrenalin under control and speak. 'Well, all things considered, I think that went well.' He paused, 'D'ya think he bought it?'

Sam considered. 'Give him half an hour, Sir, and he's going to start wondering what exactly the noises are. We've just told him we were moving at high speed so by my reckoning he'll have Harriman slowing that recording down by,' Sam checked her watch, 'Oh, 1045 at the latest. I've already told Walter that if he gets a request to slow the tape down he should do it by increments of 10 to make sure they don't miss anything so I figure that should buy us another couple of hours.'

'Okay, Carter, go get changed and meet me by the elevator in 10.'

'Sir?'

'I figure we've got three hours max before he sends the SF's for us. May as well make the most of it!' He slid an appreciative glance over her 'I fancy finding out whether you're a Screamer in real time, Carter.'

She smiled. 'Right back at ya, Sir!'

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I'm going to beg and plead here (for those of a sensitive nature, look away now!)

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