warning — mentions anorexia nervosa. i wouldn't recommend reading this if you're easily triggered.
beautifully broken
cassie
( on the inside she's dying, lying to herself )
disclaimer: not mine.
{flat stomach. skinny thighs. protruding rib cage. visible collarbones.}
it's all she wants.
she works her arse off to achieve her unrealistic goals, harder than anyone would ever expect. she wakes up at six every morning, is ready by half-past, and when everyone else is sleeping soundly in their beds at seven, she's burning off her body fat on the treadmill.
she knows that she's going to wind up killing herself one day, but that's the thing. she just doesn't care.
::
and slowly but surely, her extreme dieting, over-exercising, restricting calories, and purging food begins to take it's toll on her body. her hair falls out in clumps. her teeth are rotting from the lack of nutrition. her periods have long-since stopped. she's cold and tired all the time, and she can barely stand up straight for more than twenty minutes.
despite all the physical torment, she doesn't see any difference. all she sees is fat. everywhere on her body, there are copious amounts of pink flab hanging, giving her the exact reason as to why she needs to put that cake down.
it its place, everyone else sees a skeleton, a mere ghost of the girl she used to be. they see tiny wrists, bony legs, ribs that poke out through her t-shirt, and cold, dead eyes.
she doesn't see it. she'll never see it. all she'll ever see is fat.
::
she never believes anyone when they tell her she's beautiful and thin, because she knows they're lying. she knows they're trying to make her feel better, when all the time they're probably thinking about how disgustingly fat she looks.
it makes her anxious to go out in public, and she slowly begins to hate her friends. she doesn't like being lied to, and she knows they're all lying to her. they tell her she's skinny, tell her that she needs to eat properly, but she's smarter than that. she knows they really hate her. she knows they think she's fat, and they want her to get even fatter.
she doesn't want to live like this any more, but she's not going to stop until she can believe that she's skinny.
::
she doesn't get that far though.
she's lying on her bedroom floor with a bottle of sleeping pills clutched in one hand, and a stanley knife in the other. there are deep, vertical cuts going from the bottom of her wrist right up to the crook of her arm, and there's a little pool of blood beginning to form around her.
mustering up all of her strength, she pushes herself from the floor and staggers over to where her full-length mirror stands. picking up a tube of bright pink lipstick, she begins to scrawl a message in her neatest handwriting. ignoring the fact that there is blood all over the clear surface, she steps back for a moment and smiles at her handiwork.
"ALL I EVER WANTED TO BE WAS SKINNY."
::
Cassandra Marianne Ainsworth
July 15, 1991 — August 17, 2012.
Gone but never forgotten.
a/n: seriously, i hope someone out there actually reads this. i'm not lying — it took me about four whole days to come up with the whole storyline. i'm not sure when this is set, or whether or not it's AU. i'll leave that up to you to decide. if you have any concrit, please feel free to give me some. i want to know where i should improve. merci. (;