Hairy Potta and the Bucket of Slime
Chapter One The Widdle House
The villagers of Little Webtown still called it "the Widdle House in the Big Woods", even though it had been many years since the Widdle family had lived there. Once a fine Widdle House, and the gwandest looking building for miles around, the Widdle House was now damp, dewelict, and empty. People agreed that the house was a very spooky place since the murder that happened there 50 years ago. (DUN DUN DUUUUH!)
Fifty years ago, the maid had walked into the family room to find all of the Widdles had died of boredom waiting for the new Hairy Potta movie to finally be released. They all got extremely tired of watching the same movie promotional trailers over and over again on their computer. They had analyzed every frame for inconsistencies with the original Hairy Potta books and discovered that their son Wobby Widdle was not included in the story at all. Wob was extemely upset by the news, and the gardener Hank Dice had thought he might have caused the event. The police said they were lying there with mouse chord tied around their necks and the movie trailer playing over and over on the computer.
For a time, the town thought Hank had something to do with the crime, but they decided not to prosecute him because he did such a good job with the shrubbery and flowers in the yard. No one liked the Widdles anyway because they read all those scary Hairy Potta books and talked incessantly about all the neat stuff they had bought at the mall during the Hairy Potta convention. If they hadn't died of boredom, someone would have probably done them in anyway!
Hank said he had seen a strange skinny boy with black shaggy hair and a long black cloak in the neighborhood that week. No one believed him because Hank was very nearsighted and often confused small furry animals as being new strangers in the neighborhood. Hank also read those scary books that the Widdles kept talking about.
Hank stumbles into the old house 50 years later to hear strange voices coming from the family room. It turns out to be Lord Randemort and Geodudette arguing about whose turn it is to use the computer. It seems that Geodudette was writing another strange story about the Hairy Potta characters. Lord Randemort is a strange little creature with large bulbous eyes and a big round belly from eating too many cold TV dinners while his wife writes her stories on the computer. He strokes the head of the stuffed bunny that sits by his laptop. Geodudette eyes him nervously as he threatens to stop their internet service if she doesn't relinquish the mouse. "My Net Eaters will be wondering about me if I don't post something on the message board soon!" screams Lord Randemort.
Geodudette rolls her eyes and sends another instant message to Ivory about the latest chapter of the book that she's writing. "Those Net Eaters can live another day without your inane messages" she laughs. Lord Randemort notices a strange old man is reflected in the stuffed bunny's eyes.
"Come in and join us old man!", he beckons to Hank Dice who is completely repulsed by his large beer belly.
"Hadn't you better spend a few more hours on the treadmill Mr. Randemort?"
"I have been, Hank. I just can't stop eating all of those chocolate bunnies that my internet friends send me! The bunnies sustain me in my hours of need. I haven't been the same since that little kid showed me up in the chat room in front of all my internet friends!"
"Our plans to get free tickets to the Super Bowl must not be thwarted by that pesky little kid. I'll get that little kid and his little dog friend too! Geodudette has to win the chocolate bunny contest. She has been working on her secret recipe. I believe it involves tying up one of her story detractors on the internet.
Hank Dice stares back at Lord Randemort and shakes his head. He's confused by all the babble he has been listening to. "Why do you want to get tickets to the Super Bowl?" he asks.
"Why? Because my evil plan to take over the world hinges on it ! When the halftime show is nearing completion, several teenagers from Pigpimples school of Magic will be competing for prizes. One of them will get a big surprise when he wins! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" cackles Lord Randemort.
Hank Dice stares back in horror at the evil Lord Randemort who is now caressing the stuffed bunny.
Lord Randemort speaks softly to the bunny. "Now bunnikins, we must roll the dice so to speak!" Randemort pulls out his palm pilot with its magic wand. He takes out the magic wand and points it at Hank Dice. A bolt of lightning streaks from the tip of the wand and Hank Dice falls to the floor and begins to disappear into a series of odd squares. The squares coalesce into a stream that flows into the palm pilot. Lord Randemort cackles to himself as Geodudette continues writing instant messages to Ivory about the ungrateful fanfic readers that don't appreciate all the hard work that the writers put in to their stories. Ivory laughs and types some Latin phrase about Teletubbies.
Two thousand miles away, a boy named Hairy Potta wakes from a bad dream with a splitting headache. The bunny shaped scar on his forehead is throbbing!
Chapter Two- The Bunny Scar
Hairy lay flat in his bed breathing hard having just awoken from a hideous dream. The old bunny scar on his forehead was burning again. He sat up and ran his fingers over the scar. He tried to remember the strange dream of the night before. The fading images in his mind of an old man, a nice woman, and a hideous oversized belly attached to a strange bearded man! Ugggh! And what was the man holding in his lap? A stuffed bunny! That was it! He remembered an argument about email and the internet. The rest was a mystery to him.
He was stuck at his Uncle John Walton and Aunt Dinah's for the summer. Their only child, George W., lived with them, and he was the bane of Hairy's existence. They hated Hairy because of his magical tendencies and his support for the Democracts. They had inherited Hairy when his parents, Charles and Camilla, were forced to live in exile by the upset common people of England. Lord Randemort had led the rebellion that caused the overthrow of the British Monarchy with the help of Simon Branford. Professor Bumblehead had taken Hairy to live with his Aunt and Uncle when he was just one year old. He spent only the summers there now because he attended Pigpimples School of Magic during the school year.
He was wondering what to do about the painful bunny scar. Would his school friends, Don and Herwhiny, be of any help to him? Herwhiny would probably tell Professor Bumblehead about his problems and then he would have to explain about things that he preferred keeping to himself. Don would want to ask his father, Albert Gore, who worked for the Magical Bureau of Investigation (MBI) since his recent defeat in the 2000 election. The Gore's had already suffered enough without having to deal with Hairy's problems.
Then the answer came to him. It was so obvious. He could write about his problems to Silliness Brown, his Godfather, an escaped convict from Alderon. Silliness was in hiding from the MBI since his escape last year. Hairy, Don, and Herwhiny had helped Silliness to escape capture by the MBI last year using their ingenuity and the handy Acme "Hide Your Escaped Convict" kit (timeturner sold separately). Silliness managed to keep in touch with Hairy via email while he traveled the world in a private jet he borrowed from the Gore's during the last days of the Clinton administration. Hairy would be living with Silliness if he had only managed to bring Simon Branford. to justice. Simon had been an old school friend of Silliness. Simon had turned in Silliness for bumping off Aberforth's goat. Simon had turned into a Republican at just the right time and managed to do quite well for himself after that. Silliness never forgave Simon, but was helpless to do anything about it at the moment.
Hairy emailed Silliness about his hurting bunny scar. He neglected to mention the dream. He thought it would add better drama to the story if he held back information from Silliness. He headed downstairs for breakfast.
Chapter Three- The Invitation
Hairy came downstairs to the breakfast table to find George W. eyeing his half of grapefruit with a sense of restrained fury. He was on a new diet due to the extra 50 pounds he gained while away at school. Uncle John was reading the newspaper and Aunt Dinah was reading a book called "101 ways to serve grapefruit". George W. was dreaming of desserts, but knew that his uniforms no longer fit him, and Mummy and Daddy would be upset if he were to gain another pound during the summer. George W. wasn't doing very well at school as usual, but he knew someday that he would claw his way to the top with the help of his best friend Jeb.
George W's report card had arrived last month with the lowest marks ever. John Walton yelled that those liberal minded educators had it in for his young Republican. Aunt Dinah always felt that George W. was misunderstood because of his conservative agenda. She wished all those mean Ivy Leaguers would stop picking on George W. and show a little more compassion.
Just at that moment, the doorbell rang, and Uncle John rushed to beat the boys to the door. The mailman handed the letters to Uncle John while speaking in hushed tones. Uncle John laughed nervously and took the letters while quickly shutting the door behind him. Those liberals are always picking on us misunderstood conservatives. One letter had several stamps on it and spelled out "Mr. and Mrs. John Walton" in Elmer's glue with sparkles on it. Hairy knew this was probably from one of his Wizard friends.
Uncle John gave Hairy a dirty look and ordered George W. to take the rest of the letters into the kitchen and give them to Aunt Dinah. "What would cause one of your liberal Wizard friends to write a letter to me?" he growled. Hairy just shrugged his shoulders. The letter read as follows:
Dear Mr. and Mrs. John Walton,
We have never been introduced, but I am sure you have heard a great deal from Hairy about my son Don.
As Hairy might have told you, the Uxbridge Unicorns will be playing on Monday Night Football this Monday night. My husband, Albert, has just managed to get prime tickets through his connections at the Magical Bureau of Investigation.
I do hope you will allow us to take Hairy to the game. Uxbridge hasn't been on Monday Night Football for years, and tickets are extremely hard to come by. We would of course be glad to have Hairy stay for the remainder of the summer holidays, and to see him safely onto the train back to school.
Hoping to see Hairy soon,
Yours sincerely,
Tipper Gore
P.S. How is George W. progressing at school?
John Walton glared at Hairy, but he knew if he did not allow him to go to the game, he would tell Silliness Brown that the conservatives were oppressing the young liberal again. "You'll be packing your bags then, eh?" he grumbled.
Hairy smiled and nodded quickly. He then flew up the stairs and finished packing within 15 minutes. He noticed that he had gotten an email from Don telling him that the family helicopter would be arriving at his house tomorrow night. Hairy was elated, and he had now completely forgotten about Lord Randemort.