Why me?
*Selphie's POV*
Selphie was whistling pretty relaxingly and it was no real wonder why. She, for what had to be the first time in her life, managed to get a Festival together with a minimal amount of struggling and had even managed to convince Irvine to help. Not that she ever had much trouble getting her way with him, one bat of her eyes and he was down for the count.
So given that she had the details for this years Festival nailed down it was no real surprise that she was in a good mood.
Or at least she was until she saw THAT!
*Irvine's Pov*
Irvine had been having a pretty good day, granted he was still having trouble getting some of the girls to believe that the infamous skirt chaser of Galbadia Garden was taken. But somehow he managed but man was it tiring. He was hoping to be able to escape by helping Selphie with her beloved Festival. Hopefully, their usual interactions would be sufficient would be enough to ward off any would be female admirers as well as drive home the fact that he was indeed taken.
This, of course, did nothing to prepare him for the position he soon found himself in. As he was turning a corner to enter the Quad he was soon pushed against the wall and found an unfamiliar pair of lips pushing themselves onto his. And who else but her showed up to see THAT!
*Normal POV*
"Irvine Kinneas, just what is the meaning of this?" Selphie bellowed in rage.
"I can explain, this is not what it looks like I swear…" Irvine backpedaled, Selphie's use of his full name making him aware of his peril.
The mysterious girl who had instigated this entire incident detached herself from Irvine and started speaking.
"I assure you, it is exactly what it looks like. Did you really think you could change him?" The woman taunted Selphie.
"But he…" Selphie stalled.
"But he what? You didn't honestly expect someone like you could change him in any meaningful way." The woman preyed on Selphie's fears.
Selphie didn't say anything and simply ran off barely able to hold her tears back. Irvine tried to go after her but found himself held back by the woman.
"Ok, who the hell are you and what do you want?" Irvine demanded.
"Me? Cassandra is the name and I'm helping you undo a mistake. Besides you deserve much better than her. After all, I did you a favor in getting rid of her for you. As for what I want, it's quite simple: you." Cassandra explained.
"First of all, Selphie is not a mistake and I'll thank you not to interfere in the future. Secondly, I'm quite capable of deciding who I'm going to settle down with, now if you'll excuse me I'm going to fix the mess you caused. And don't you even think of ever coming near me again you tramp." Irvine shot back over his shoulder.
"Hmm, so I see you're hopeless. I guess there's only one thing to do, time to get to work." Cassandra said to herself before she walked off.
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At this exact moment Squall and Rinoa were reviewing contract requests in his office when Selphie came bursting in in tears. Rinoa and Squall both dropped what they were doing in shock and found themselves completely unequipped to help a crying Selphie, a seemingly impossible oxymoron. Finally, surprisingly, it was Squall who asked what was wrong.
"Irvine, he…" Selphie started to choke out.
"Wait, he isn't back to his old habits, is he?" Squall asked, assuming the worst.
"Squall!" Rinoa complained.
"What? I'm just asking." Squall defended himself.
"I would hope that Irvine had earned a bit more credit than that over the past few months especially given he has practically had to throw the women off him." Rinoa defended Irvine.
"No, Squall's right. I… I found Irvine in the hallway to the Quad with some hussy all over him. Turns out I was a fool for trusting him and he's been seeing someone on the side this whole time." Selphie bawled.
At this exact moment, Irvine, having tracked Selphie to this very room, knocked.
"Who is it?" Rinoa asked.
"It's me, Irvine. Can I talk to Selphie?" Irvine asked from the other side of the door.
"No, you can't! Go away!" Selphie bawled out at him having been crying on Squall's shoulder, both figuratively and literally, for quite some time.
"Selphie, please!" Irvine begged.
"You want me to…" Rinoa asked, to which Squall simply nodded.
Rinoa came out and almost immediately started laying into him.
"Just who do you think you are? Do you have any idea what you've done? How could you have done this to Selphie? What kind of heartless monster are you to simply lead her on all this time letting her think that you were serious about her and only to be seeing someone on the side?" Rinoa raged.
"Whoa, whoa whoa. Hold your horses there a minute, missy." Irvine backpedaled whilst breaking a rather major sweat under Rinoa's browbeating.
"I am not going to until you explain yourself, mister!" Rinoa continued.
"Ok, I admit. This looks bad; in fact the word catastrophic is not a stretch by any means. But I swear it is not at all what it looks like." Irvine explained.
"And exactly what is it, then?" Rinoa, with a considerable edge in her voice.
"Ok, this Cassandra character came and literally forced herself onto me whilst I was making my way to the Quad to help Selphie. Not only did Selphie show up at this exact moment but to make matters worse 'she' cut me off before I could make any explanation and basically told Selphie that I was cheating on her with this Cassandra." Irvine explained.
"Might I ask why?" Rinoa asked, still not sure if she was buying it.
"Apparently, she thinks she has some right to choose who I can and can't be with. Something about Selphie not being good enough and then she has the gall to suggest that she thinks she is." Irvine elaborated.
"What happened next?" Rinoa asked.
"I called her a tramp and made it clear in no uncertain terms that I was not interested and that she was not to come anywhere near me and ran off to find Selphie." Irvine added, hoping he was helping his case.
"Ok, I believe you. Let's head back and see if I can't convince Selphie to at least listen to you." Rinoa finally relented.
Rinoa and Irvine both walked in to find that Selphie had left so as to avoid Irvine as much as possible.
"Where's Selphie?" Rinoa asked.
"She went back to her dorm, why?" Squall answered.
At this Irvine left and ran off in the direction of the dorms.
"Might I ask what is going on?" Squall asked.
"Let's just say just because Irvine has given up the ladies doesn't mean that they have given up on him." Rinoa answered.
"Am I to assume this is some sort of advanced social warfare?" Squall asked.
"Actually, no this is only chapter 1 in the women's handbook." Rinoa joked.
"There's a handbook? Lord help us all!" Squall complained.
"I never really liked the handbook in the first place, so you're safe. I get the feeling this will all work out." Rinoa assured him.
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At this exact moment Selphie had been running back to her dorm when she heard a voice from behind her.
"Running to your boyfriend, are you? Well it seems you've ruined him beyond repair. And if I can't have him I'll at least make sure you won't." Cassandra promised.
"What are you… Oh no! Please, you don't have to do this!" Selphie pleaded upon seeing the gun in her hand.
"What? You didn't think I was going to kill him, did you? What the hell kind of sense would that make? As long as he's alive I'll eventually be able to win him over but only if you're out of the picture and the only way to make sure of that is for you to die." Cassandra finished.
Selphie closed her eyes and winced against what was coming and heard the shot but was surprised when she didn't feel the bullet hitting her. She cracked her eyes open to find herself face to face with Irvine.
"Irvie, what are you?" She started until she noticed the blood.
"Sefie, I'm so sorry!" Irvine managed to squeeze out before he collapsed.
"That idiot! He's managed to ruin everything, oh well at least you'll be able to join him." Cassandra fumed.
"Oh really?" Selphie challenged her as she reached for the only weapon with in reach, Irvine's Rifle.
"What, am I supposed to be scared now? You can't even use that thing and you know it." Cassandra protested.
"Are you willing to bet your life on it, you bitch!" Selphie screamed as she cocked Irvine's rifle and aimed.
"G-SEC! Drop your weapons!" A voice ordered.
Both Cassandra and Selphie complied with the G-Sec officer's demand. The officer lowered his assault rifle and finally seemed to recognize Selphie.
"Captain Tilmitt, I didn't recognize you. My apologies!" The G-Sec officer stated.
"I'm afraid, you're going to have to come with me, m'am." The officer said as he turned to Cassandra.
"What? What are you arresting me for? She's the one who was trying to kill me, she tried to shoot me with that rifle of hers and Irvie got in the way." Cassandra invented.
"Don't take me for an idiot, M'am. The gunshot was what brought me here and it was quite clearly a pistol shot. Captain Tilmitt is quite clearly holding a rifle where as you are clearly holding a pistol and thus the only one who could have possibly fired that shot, now are you going to come with me or am I going to have to use force?" The G-Sec officer asked in exasperation.
She merely grumbled and allowed the officer to cuff her after surrendering her pistol.
"Commander Leonheart? This is Officer Jiltan down in the Dorm quarter; I have here a woman who tried to kill Captain Tilmitt. Should I throw her into the brig or do you want to deal with her personally?" Officer Jiltan asked, getting on his radio.
"Bring her to me Sergeant, I want to deal with her personally!" Squall said over the radio in response, with a rather sinister edge in his voice.
"Roger, also you should know that Captain Kinneas has been shot. I've called Dr. Kadowaki and she's sent a stretcher for him. Anything else you need me to do for you, Sir?" Officer Jiltan confirmed.
"No, that is all. Inform Captain Tilmitt I want to see her at her earliest convenience." Squall finished.
"Very good, Sir." Officer Jiltan said before passing the message on to Selphie.
Selphie simply nodded as she pulled Irvine's head into her lap.
"Come with me, you!" Officer Jiltan growled harshly at Cassandra as he dragged her off.
Selphie broke down into tears and started to rant.
"Irvie, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have doubted you, if I had simply believed you, you wouldn't have been shot because of me. Then you wouldn't be dying and we could've avoided this whole thing. I'm so sorry, you deserve so much better than me. I've been such an idiot and now you're dying because of it. I'm such a horrible person!" Selphie pined.
"You'll find that the reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated." Irvine groaned.
"Irvie, you're alive! I'm so sorry! I should've trusted you!" Selphie cried.
"Of course I'm alive. It's not like I haven't been shot before. Now why are you being so hard on yourself? I have to admit that a man of my reputation isn't exactly the most trustworthy when it comes to relationships." Irvine countered.
"Dr. Kadowaki is coming, please don't die on me." Selphie pleaded.
"Now, why would I want to do that, darling? Though it appears my lessons paid off." Irvine assured her as he wiped the tears from her face.
"I guess they did. Here's your hat." Selphie said as she tried to put it on him.
"You keep it. You're going to need it more than I do." Irvine insisted.
"But it's your lucky hat, I can't take your lucky hat." Selphie protested.
"I don't need it, darling! I've got you and you've brought me more good luck than that silly hat. And since you bring me all the good luck I need it would be silly for me to leave you without some luck of your own." Irvine pushed.
"Oh, alright. I still think it's the hat, though!" Selphie argued even as she put the hat on.
"Well, you've got the be the prettiest cowgirl I've ever seen." Irvine remarked upon seeing it on her.
"Not just any cowgirl. Your cowgirl." Selphie giggled as she bent down to kiss him, "Get well soon, you big idiot. There's more where that came from for when you get out."
"Now that's motivation! I'll be sure to get better real quick, darling!" Irvine promised as a pair of medics came with the promised stretcher.
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"Hmm, what are we to do with you, Ms. Trebel? You've gotten yourself in quite the pickle, haven't you? Attempted Murder, Assault with a Deadly Weapon, Obstruction of Justice, Making a False Statement to a G-Sec Officer? And all within five minutes? You've been quite the busy girl!" Squall said thoughtfully.
"What are you talking about? You can't prove anything. You don't have any witnesses! You can't prove anything because Selphie's testimony is inadmissible because she isn't impartial." Cassandra protested.
"But you see, you're in SeeD and as such you fall under our jurisdiction but even if you didn't Officer Jiltan here would be able to provide supporting testimony and that would be enough to render Captain Tilmitt's testimony admissible in any court on Earth. So, you see, we can in fact prove everything, which puts you in quite a spot now, doesn't it?" Squall countered, maneuvering Cassandra into a corner.
Cassandra simply scowled at this.
"What I don't quite get is why you even thought this whole thing was a good idea. Murdering the hypotenuse, are we? Ooo! That sounds like a great idea! It's not like the fact that you had to kill a Garden administrator was any indication it might be a bad idea! Since when has that ever worked? Now, I could have you executed, if I so chose…" Squall started.
Cassandra's face turned pale at this statement.
"Got your attention, didn't I? I'm tempted to call the firing squad and have it over with. Rinoa, what do you think?" Squall responded, leaning over his desk imperiously.
"You're having her choose?" Cassandra said with obvious contempt.
"Quiet you! I'm simply asking for a second opinion." Squall shot back.
"You know what? I think we should let Selphie choose." Rinoa said, the two of them having set this up previously.
"Hey, that's a great idea. Who better to decide your fate than your would-be victim?" Squall played along.
At this exact moment Selphie walked in.
"You wanted to see me, Squall?" Selphie asked.
"Yes, as you may noticed I have brought Cassandra up here and I'm having trouble deciding what to do with her. What do you think I should do?" Squall asked her.
"Oh, I have the perfect punishment for her. She should be forced to serve Irvie hand and foot until he's completely recovered." Selphie said with a glint in her eye.
"Well, you heard the lady. And if I should hear anything other than glowing reports on your performance I will not hesitate to reconsider the firing squad, am I understood?" Squall ordered.
"What, I refuse to go along with this travesty!" Cassandra protested.
"You would prefer the firing squad? Ok, then. Officer Jiltan, if you would be so kind?" Squall instructed.
"Ok, fine, I'll do it!" Cassandra said in panic.
"Very good. Officer Jiltan, if you wouldn't mind watching her to make sure she doesn't try to finish the job?" Squall requested.
"It would be my pleasure, Sir." Officer Jiltan escorted Cassandra out.
"Selphie, are you sure this is a good idea? Irvine is not going to be very happy with her, in fact I wouldn't be surprised if he hated her." Rinoa asked.
"That's the point, of course. What worse punishment than seeing the very person she loves look at her with disgust?" Selphie replied.
"Uggh, remind me not to get on your bad side. I don't think I'd be making it out alive, much less with my sanity intact." Squall deadpanned.
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That night Irvine, having been released from the hospital and restricted to bed rest so his bullet wound wouldn't reopen, found himself unable to sleep for some reason. At this moment he heard his door open and Selphie walked in.
"Hey." She said.
"Hey, what's wrong?" Irvine asked.
"I couldn't sleep. I kept seeing you get shot over and over again, except this time you died. I guess I'm just scared because I almost lost you today." Selphie started crying.
"Come here, it's ok. I'm here now, aren't I?" Irvine comforted her stretching his arms wide open.
Selphie practically jumped into his arms and soaked him with tears.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Selphie sobbed over and over again.
"Are you still hung up on this? It's not your fault, what were you supposed to think when she said that?" Irvine comforted her.
"I guess you're right. You still love me?" Selphie asked.
"Of course I do. I can't help myself, especially with a woman as beautiful as you are." Irvine complimented her, causing her to blush.
"Can I ask you a favor? Well, um, I don't want to sleep alone tonight. Do you have room in there for two?" Selphie asked.
"For you, consider yourself having it reserved, darling." Irvine said as he shifted over.
Selphie slid in and snuggled up to Irvine and rested her head on his shoulder.
"I'm awfully comfortable, a girl could get used to this. I might just end up taking permanent residence." Selphie giggled.
"You go right on ahead, my love." Irvine consented.
At this they shared a passionate kiss and both feel into comfortable sleep in each other's arms.
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The next morning, Irvine was woken up by the doorbell, to which Selphie simply started moaning.
"Irvie, let them come back later. It's far too comfy in here." Selphie grumbled.
Instead Irvine called out to the door asking who it was.
"It's me, Cassandra." A voice from the other side announced.
At this Irvine broke out into a cold sweat and started reaching for his gun. Seeing his behavior Selphie chuckled.
"Don't worry, she isn't walking around on her own. Squall assigned Officer Jiltan to keep an eye on her." She explained.
"Okay. But what is she doing here exactly?" Irvine asked, understandably unsettled.
"Serving out her punishment, of course. I decided that the best punishment for her would be to have to serve you hand and foot until you recovered." Selphie comforted him.
"Uh uh. No way, there is nothing on this green earth that could possibly make me allow that homicidal bitch anywhere near me!" Irvine was refusing to go along with this.
"I knew you wouldn't, that's besides the point. It's more about her anyway, once she sees how you truly feel about her and how close we are it'll not only cause her to give up but it'll probably cause her quite a bit of psychological damage to boot." Selphie explained.
"Remind me not to go to sleep with you angry. I get the feeling that would be the last mistake I would ever make." Irvine made a note out loud.
"And don't you forget it. Wanna let her in so we can throw her out in short order?" Selphie asked.
Irvine did and Cassandra, Squall, Rinoa and Officer Jiltan walked into his room. Cassandra noticed Selphie was in Irvine's bed and clinging to Irvine rather possessively. Neither Squall, Rinoa nor Officer Jiltan seemed at all affected by this, as their relationship was common knowledge around Garden. At least it was, unless your name happened to be Cassandra. (Oh brother!)
"Why you little… Let go of him, he's mine." Cassandra fumed.
"Oh? I don't see your name on him. Besides he's in love with me, not you." Selphie retorted.
"Cassandra, need I remind you that should you sufficiently test my nerves I've already put the firing squad on standby?" Squall threatened her.
This seemed to shut up Cassandra who simply glowered in the corner.
"Anyway, as you may know Cassandra here has agreed to serve as your personal maid until such time as you feel you are completely recovered." Squall explained.
"Until he feels…? That could mean anything." Cassandra screamed.
"I'm well aware of the implications of what has come out of my own mouth." Squall replied condescendingly.
"Um, about that… Is there anyway I could convince you not to let her be my personal maid? I'd much prefer to never see her again if it's at all possible." Irvine requested.
"That's a rather simple matter, actually. I figured this would happen so I came prepared. What I have here is a restraining order that prevents her from coming with in 500 feet of you and all it needs is for you to sign it." Rinoa said.
"Which means we would go directly to the second part of your punishment." Squall said, seemingly unsurprised that Rinoa had brought the restraining order that Irvine was signing with much enthusiasm.
"What. Second part?" Cassandra was struck dumb.
"What, you didn't honestly think you being his maid was it, did you? No, I'm demoting you back to trainee." Squall explained.
"TRAINEE?" This stunned Cassandra.
"Yep, since you clearly didn't learn well enough the first time it seems a repeat of all the lessons Garden has to teach you is in order. I hear Quistis is quite the expert with the hard cases, she'll be a perfect match. In fact, I think she was just complaining that her whip has been woefully under worked lately. Officer Jiltan, if you would be so kind as to lead her to her new quarters?" Squall requested.
At this everyone left, leaving Irvine and Selphie with the room to themselves. Irvine wasted no time in taking advantage of this.
"Hey, Sefie?" Irvine asked.
"Yes, honey?" Selphie replied.
"I've been meaning to ask you this for a long time but I figure I might as well take advantage of what happened. Selphie, will you marry me?" Irvine asked sheepishly as he opened as small box.
"You mean to tell me you thought it would take you being injured for me to take pity on you and say yes? You big idiot! I could never say no to you! I hope you would've learned that by now!" Selphie said.
At this Irvine took the ring and slid it onto Selphie's right ring finger at which point she exploded into tears of pure joy. At this point she clung to him and they shared a long passionate kiss.
*5 months later, a little after the honeymoon*
"Honey, I have some news." Selphie called out as she entered her and Irvine's quarters.
"What kind of news?" Irvine asked.
"I'm pregnant!" She screamed out in joy.
"That's great news, darling!" Irvine said, sharing in her joy.
About 9 months later Selphie gave birth to a healthy young girl they named Rinna after the one person who helped the two of them stay together. Of course it didn't end there but… oh forget it, honestly folks? Do you really want to keep going on with this sappy romantic crap?
Seriously? You actually enjoy this? I hate you guys! No seriously, I'm done. I'm done! This narrator is out of here and getting a drink, find someone else to narrate your stupid romantic love-dovey stories. I've had it!
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