AN: This is a story that is emotional and may actually confuse people. That's almost the point but please ask any questions you may have.
Love is not easy:
I stare at my phone, my body growing numb. Did he actually just say that? I don't even know how to react to those words. The phone slips out of my hands and lands softly on the blanket beside me. I stare at my blackberry's screen until it goes dark and locks itself.
The numbness starts to fade into a tight, burning pain in my chest. I feel tears roll down my cheeks as my body wrenches in pain. My chest hurts so much I curl up into a ball and fall to my side, onto my bed. Sobs start building in my chest, so I just let them out.
I feel so dramatic, letting these words from a text message get to me, but they hurt so much, because of who they came from. My boyfriend, the man who is supposed to love me and care about me, who I trusted wouldn't cause me pain, is the reason I'm curled up crying.
"I'm sorry I'm not at home texting YOU, I'm sorry I'm busy and am out here, hanging out with my FRIENDS."
I reach for my phone, clicking the back button as many times as possible so I won't open it up to his conversation. I scroll through my contacts and click on Temari's name and hit call. It rings 3 times before a sleepy voice answers.
"Hello…?" My best friend's voice floats through my phones speaker, and I can't help but sob again.
"Hinata? What's wrong? What happened?" The fear in Temari's voice makes me feel awful, I try to take some deep breaths so I can tell her what happened. I tell her what happened with Deidara.
"Hinata, Hun, I'm sorry you're hurt..." Her voice is filled with sympathy and sadness. She cares about me so much, and I feel bad for burdening her.
"That text actually has torn me apart. I don't mean to be so dramatic, but he's the one who texted me first, and when I say I don't like talking to him when he's distracted I get that? It's not fair, but then again when is life fair eh?" By the end of my miniature rant, I'm almost hysterically laughing. When I cry, I laugh as well so I sound absolutely crazy.
"Hinata, I want you to seriously considering ending this relationship. I know you love him, and he does love you, but he hurts you. He shouldn't be doing that. Please just think about it?" I get a strange feeling because of her words.
"Okay Temari, I'll think about it. Thank you for listening to me this late, I love you so much." As I hang up my phone I stare into the darkness of my room.
Break up with Deidara? I love him so much breaking up with him would be so painful. I know he loves me more than I actually love him, he just doesn't know he hurts me sometimes.
I lay in bed, wrapped up in blankets, thinking of all the things I've done with Deidara. All of our amazing memories, the firsts we had, just everything I can think of. The memory I fall asleep to, and the memory that follows into my dreams is the first time we made love.
Dream/Flashback.
"Are you sure you want to do this with me? Do you actually want to lose your virginity with me here tonight?" The look on his face, the worry in his voice makes me smile. He cares so much about this. So I smile, and place my hand gently onto the side of his face to pull his lips to mine. It's a soft and gentle kiss that lingers. I pull away and look into his eyes.
"Deidara, I want to do this, because I'm here with you. I want it to be you." I feel so calm, and collected considering I'm about to lose my virginity. He stressed so much about hurting me during the whole thing he kept asking if I wanted to do this, he was so cute and loving.
His hands softly roaming my body, the gentleness of his movements, not trying to hurt me, I felt so loved in that moment. I thought he'd never hurt me.
*Everybody lies, lies, lies. It's the only truth sometimes. Doesn't matter if it's out there somewhere waiting for the world to find. Or buried deep inside. Everybody lies.*
I slowly rise out of bed looking for my phone to turn my alarm off, as I look to my side I feel a tear roll down my cheek. I wipe it off cautiously and stare at it, I was crying in my sleep? I shake off the feeling I have, knowing I have to get up and go to school.
I crawl out of my bed and trip over a box. I hit the ground hard so I just sit there feeling the impact cause pain to my body. There's already a bruise forming on my knee, but the pain isn't what makes me cry. It's staring at the boxes in my room, the boxes that are supposed to be brought to where Deidara and I are moving in together.
I pick myself up off the floor and drag my numb body to the shower. I don't bother to look in the mirror because I don't want to see my hideous face right now. I turn on the shower and stick my hand under the running water I can't feel the temperature so I just step into the water. I let the water hit my face and I feel it run all over my body.
I feel a slight tingling on my skin I realize the water is way too hot, so I turn it down. I end up standing there for a good 15 minutes before I decide I should wash my hair and my face. While scrubbing my face vigorously I almost fall over, so I quickly wash my hair and get out of the shower.
With my towel wrapped around my body I wander back into my room to get changed. It's cold, so my first instinct is to put Deidara's sweater on but then I remember what happened so I dig into my nearly empty closet and put on one of my father's old sweaters. I throw on a pair of random jeans and socks, and head into the bathroom to find a pony tail.
I put my hair into a low pony tail with my bangs down across my forehead. I look into the mirror and realize I look like crap.
"It's going to be obvious to everyone I've been crying, oh well. I don't even care." I shake my head because I'm talking to myself, and go downstairs to look for food.
I open up a few cupboard's and decide I'm not hungry, so I grab my bag and head out the door to get to school. As I walk down the street I stare at the sidewalk beneath me, counting the cracks in the cement. The walk takes longer than it normally does because I'm walking at a snail's pace. Walking through the doors, I'm instantly in someone's embrace. I pull away and end up looking into my best friends face.
"Hinata! How are you feeling today Hun?" Her voice is filled with concern but she is smiling. I fake a smile and nod my head.
"Better." Temari grins and hugs me again. She pulls me over to our usual group of friends, and I see Deidara isn't here yet so I let out a sigh of relief. Everyone in our group is so comfortable with each-other. Naruto is arguing with a very annoyed Sasuke, Ino and Temari and talking about skipping first block, and just everyone is socializing.
Yet here I am, pretending to listen to them, fake smiling when needed, wondering if this numbness will go away. I don't know how long it is, but I'm snapped out of my sub-conscious floating by arms wrapping around my waist. The hug from behind is very tight and for a second I feel warmth, and almost happy. But I know I can't just let him hug me and leave this be.
"No… Not this time." I pull myself away from him, almost roughly, causing everyone around us to stare at us. I can feel that I'm on the verge of crying, so I turn my back to them all and face Deidara. His eyes are full of bewilderment, because of my unusual actions.
"Hinata, I'm sorry, what more do you want?" The tone of his voice has almost a bit of annoyance in it, which makes tears fall from my eyes. As soon as he sees the tears roll down my face regret overwhelms his face.
Deidara tries to hug me again, but I just push him away and shake my head.
"What do I want? I want my boyfriend to actually treat me like I matter to him. I want an actual apology that you show, not just say." I'm full out crying now, and everyone in the halls is staring at us. I see Deidara glance around and then take a step towards me.
"Hina-" He tries to grab my arms, but I smack them away and almost yell no at him. I run down the hallway and burst through the doors. I continue to sprint until I almost get hit by a car in the parking lot. The person in the car gets out and expresses concern in almost hitting me. I tell them I'm fine, and start to walk away cautiously.
I get to my spot, this field that's on a bit of a hill and sit down to think. I don't want to be in pain from him anymore. I love him so much, but I don't want things to stay like this. Should I break up with him? Take a break? I know I have to decide this soon.
I hear footsteps behind me and I slowly turn to see Deidara walking towards me. He sits down on the grass beside me, extremely close to my body. I don't move away, I just look at him. He's staring at me and he looks upset, and almost like he was crying.
"I'm so sorry for hurting you love, I didn't know it would hurt you, I wasn't thinking. Please don't leave me, I love you too much. You're the only girl I could ever love." Sadness has seeped into his voice, and by the last word he says his voice cracks. He's crying. I reach up and wipe the tears from his face, and he looks into my eyes. His arm slowly wraps around my waist pulling me almost onto his lap. I don't struggle or move away from his touch.
"Deidara, I love you too, but I can't stay with you unless things change." My voice is no louder than a whisper. I stare into his eyes and I see the fear of losing me in them. He opens his mouth as if to say something, but he ends up just nodding his head.
I smile lightly and gently kiss his lips, with the kiss lingering I pull away yet I keep my face close to his to stare into his eyes. We sit like this for a few minutes until he kisses me again, I know this is an apology kiss, for once he's showing me he's sorry rather than saying it.
I smile into the kiss, and I feel his hands tighten on my waist. A tear ends up running down my cheek and he wipes it away with his thumb and smiles at me and gently kisses my cheek.
"I love you." We whisper simultaneously to each-other.
Even through the pain this man has put me through, I love him so much and I know we can work through this. Because I know;
Love is not easy.
AN: Well, that was my one-shot. I hope you enjoyed it and felt the emotion I tried very hard to put into it.