To readers, I wanted to write a story where Kaoru experiences affect her personality as well as the person she becomes. I also wanted to make her a different character, than the innocent way everyone portrays her to be. This fiction is dedicated to all my reviewers like you who inspire me to write, especially you Deseray. Thanks! Please bear with my Japanese knowledge, because I'm American and therefore I don't have much knowledge of Japan. Please leave your comments, your questions, and suggestions in your review. Please enjoy and I hope you do like it.

Disclaimer: I don't own Rurouni Kenshin series. I wish I did, but I don't. : (

Lost of Innocence

Chapter one

It has been days since Kenshin has not been acting himself. He distanced himself from not only her, but the others as well. He hurt others and her intentionally, but the others never gave it a cold shoulder. Instead they still looked at him as the same old Kenshin they knew. But Kaoru knew better. Kenshin was a man who protected people no matter what. He put others before his own self. Even though Kenshin was very protective over her, he now acted like he didn't give a soul damn about her. After the insane brother of his dead wife kidnapped her, Kaoru learned so much about him. The way his enemies talked about him, his cold side, she never wanted to believe them. She believed her Rurouni was a great man, who didn't have a cold side, but she was wrong. It was one night Kaoru could remember, that changed Kenshin forever. Her old Kenshin changed into a darker one, who held immense strength. Yahiko, her student, and Sanosuke, her friend treated him like a friend. Even when Kenshin changed Yahiko still looked up at him as though he was an idol. Kaoru didn't know what to do. She gave up trying. He hurt her intentionally. He said mean things to her, rushed her away from his sight, as though he couldn't stand looking at her any longer. She was too heartbroken to care. She would do anything to get him out of her head, to take her memories of him away, to wipe her feelings for him from her heart. How she was willing to take herself away from the pain. However she walked with the pain. She took his damned words, she took his hard grasps on her, and she took all his torture, all because of one thing. She loved him, and heck she still loves him. He made her shed blood; he made her shed tears, when they were alone. He never gave her a moment of peace. She took all the torment he gave to her quietly. Tears ran down her cheeks, until she could cry no more. Blood shed from her wounds, until it left its dry stains on her skin. She never cried out in pain. She never gave in to his mockery while he reveled giving her pain. And then on the other hand, Kaoru knew Kenshin was not in his right state of mind. He was only doing this to protect her, to teach her where she stands, and where he stands.

'How was he able to deal with Tomoe? How did he stand up to her? Did he treat her the same way? Was he cruel or gentle to her?' Kaoru thought as a few tears trickled from her eyes to the wooden floor in her room. She wondered how Kenshin and Tomoe's life was like. From Kenshin's description of his wife, she was like the calm of the storm. She was the only woman Kenshin ever cared about deeply in his past, the only woman who was capable of breaking his hard foundations, the walls he build surrounding his heart. She as angel, like a goddess, was a pure heavenly gift from the heavens above to cure his heart and teach him about humanity. But after her death, he made a vow to never kill again. Because of her, the promise he made to her, he lived and helped others until he became known as Rurouni, a man with no home, a man who travels from place to place helping people he could. And then he stumbled onto the front gates of the Kamiya dojo.

"Why Kami-sama, why was I born a weakling? Why couldn't I go when my father had to go? Why didn't I die, when he died? Did he not know that I was created for no reason? Did he love me so much to have a weakling like me to continue in his shoes? If I can't fight properly, then why must I live? Why must I share this world with three different men, when I'm nothing but a complete burden? People like me ought to die. We ought to give our souls to the damned. There are so many souls who could live better in life then me. If only I could give them my life. If I could help make their lives better, then my life would be worth living. Is this how Kenshin feels? He feels the best way to atone for his committed sins, were to help as much people before he died. And even now he still carries his dead wife in his heart. If I had a chance, to give my soul and let another one live, I'll give it to Tomoe. I'll let her live my life, so she could be with Kenshin. But I have no power of such," said Kaoru with a weak voice. She looked up into the starry night; taking in the little light the stars had offered her. "I only wish to be a different person, with a different life. A person who could definitely be good at something, then rather nothing. One day I'll be someone else. I'll live a different life. No one will care if Kaoru died. No will sure hell give a damn. But can I blame them? No I have to blame myself for not being beautiful or girlish type who is good at cleaning and cooking."

Kaoru walked out of her room, and walked down the dojo halls ignoring everything in her sight. It was dark and quiet, the dojo letting out an eerie sight to Kaoru, but she didn't care. Her tears continued to fall from her eyes, leaving a trail from her room to the dojo itself. She looked around the place she called home for so any years. 'Damn myself! I was not able to protect myself when I needed too. Damn myself for being the damsel in distress. Damn myself for living! I give up. I finally give up. I have nothing to live for any longer,' Kaoru thought. As she bowed her, hiding the tears that fell from her sapphire eyes, she never did noticed amber eyes staring directly at her.

The next day was the same as every other day, except Saitoh gave Kenshin and the others a nice visit. Kaoru knew it was bad news. As much as a part of her soul wanted to know what was happening to Kenshin, she knew she stood nowhere in his personal life. At least she was grateful that today he wasn't hurting her, or giving her nasty looks of embarrassment like he usually did with his cold amber eyes. When Saitoh came, she knew it was her clue to leave the dojo, and to not come back until nightfall. As Saitoh entered the dojo, Kaoru's one mistake was she left her dojo forgetting her favorite blue ribbon, which went beautifully with her blue kimono with flower designs. She tired to enter the dojo promising both Kenshin and herself not to listen to the business talk, but instead Kenshin grabbed Kaoru's arm with extreme power, it made her flinched. Of course, Kaoru, the type of girl who had a lot of pride hid her sapphire eyes from Kenshin's amber eyes, mainly to hide her pain.

"Where do you think you're going?" asked Kenshin in a harsh demanding voice. He grabbed the nape of her hair non-too gently, forcing her sapphire eyes to look into his amber eyes.

"I…I… forgot something in my room, and I was going to get it…" Kaoru never got to finish her sentence. Instead Kenshin tossed her out from the dojo making her land on the floor with a hard thump.

"Don't act smart with me Kaoru. I know what you're up to, and I'm sorry to say your little scheme won't work. Later on I'll teach you a lesson," he demanded with a harsh tone.

He never looked back at Kaoru. He never ran to her to help her up or to even ask her if she was all right. Kaoru tried to keep her tears from spilling, but her mind didn't seem to care to function with her body. She was depressed about the whole scene. 'Why Kami-sama? Why must I go through this pain? Why must I live and he doesn't see the pain he caused me? Did he forget all about humanity? Did he forget to feel as a human, as a person on the whole? I guess an unworthy one like me does deserve all this pain,' Kaoru thought.

As she headed down the streets of Tokyo, she prepared herself not to return to the dojo until nightfall.

It was late at night. Kaoru wandered all over the place. She was so lost in her own grief, she lost track of time and didn't realize they were a group of men following her. As she headed down the dark narrow street, the full moon her only light showing her where she was going, she felt arms grabbed her around her waist. She screamed, and struggled to get away from the hands, but their grip was firm and their strength were greater then hers.

"Come on baby! Don't you want to play? If you cooperate with us, we promise to make it less painful and you will never know, we might congratulate you for your good work and show of display," said one man as his evil hands grope different parts of her body.

"No!" she shrieked. She struggled with every ounce of energy she had left. Blood opened on her fresh cuts, spilling onto the ground. One man beat her with a stick while the other pinned her down. They tore off her kimono; the last sanity left that sealed her body. They all smiled a feral smile.

"Oh man, she'll give us plenty contentment. What do you think boys?" asked another man. All the men laughed maliciously. The sound was both piercing and cruel. While they had fun with her rocking the night hard, all that was left were her shrieks, her cries for help, but no one came to her rescue.

'Why does life have to be so unfair? Why does have to be so cruel? Why does love itself have to be so unpleasant?" Kaoru thought. Her mind was in deep slumber. She could barely hear the voices calling to her. Everything in her world seemed so dark, yet so luscious. There was no one and not even a single thing. Kaoru didn't know where she was, but she wondered if she could stay here, even if it's for a little while.

'What did I do to deserve such hell? I only wish to make life better, but I don't feel that way. Instead I feel not only has my soul been torn apart from my body, my heart feels broken as well. My body felt like it has been invaded, but no matter how much I scrub I can never get this feeling of dirtiness out of my body, never get their evil laughter out of my mind. I could never be the same Kaoru everyone knew. I wonder how they feel for me. They must not feel a thing for me after all I'm just a burden. I'm a girl who can't cook, who can't sew, who can't clean a house properly. I'm a girl whose ugly, whose skinny as a stick, and has no figure. Yahiko is right when he calls me busu. I'm sorry to all. But why am I apologizing? For what sin have I committed? The sin I have already committed is my mere being, my mere existence in this world. But here I am lying between two beings, life and death. Which one should I choose? I said that I will give my life, my soul to let another being live.' Kaoru faded away from the world and away from the voices that called out to her. 'I choose death over life.'