Ed laid his head on his arms, one hand still poised in the air holding a glass of whiskey. He swung the glass in a circular motion, the rhythm of the swirling alcohol soothing to him in some way. It wasn't his first night in this creaky, run-down tavern in Resembol and he doubted it'd be his last. But there was solace here in the wooden chairs and the over-perfumed bartender. Comfort he couldn't find at home.
Ever since his return from the gate, things hadn't been the way he had dreamed. Hard to believe that such a seemingly perfect ending could turn out to be just the opposite, but Ed had found that to be the case. It'd been a full year since he lost his alchemy and gained back a brother.
The thought of this full wasted year sitting alone in a bar made him take another swig of his drink.
Ed shook his head, he would never regret losing his alchemy to get Al back, nothing was more important than Al. But losing alchemy had been more of a heavy blow than he had realized at a time. It was like a part of him had died, part of his identity, something he could never get back. It made him miserable, sad, but even more so angry. Why should losing his alchemy be this important to him? The anger he felt at his feelings, at his sense of worthlessness refused to go away. So he took to the bottle. Much like a former superior of his.
"Anything else, love? Or are you done for the night?" The bartender Millie gave a smile, she had seen him there countless times, and knew his pattern by now. She was a sweet lady,married t o the owner of the tavern, but every so often he had spotted a gleam of concern in her motherly gaze.
Ed glanced down at his nearly empty drink and gave a heavy sigh. As it was, he was done for the night. His head was fuzzy, it was surprising his thoughts were still coherent. Not to mention, the clock was striking 1, and he was sure Al was going to get worried if he didn't make it home by 2. Even though he told his little brother to not wait up for him, he always heard a creak in his room as the door opened early in the morning. His brother always made sure he was okay. Almost as if the roles had been switched, Ed mused bitterly.
With a stumble he got up off his chair, tossing a lazy good evening towards Millie and the few remaining patrons and headed for home. The night was cold but the alcohol warmed his body as it coursed through his veins. The chill was welcome.
He knew the way home by heart, an easy walk that even his drunken self had no problem finding. His biggest concern was not waking up Al and Winry with his heavy boots treading through the house. They were typically asleep at this time, but some evenings they may have been lying awake, talking as lovers do. It hadn't taken long for Winry and Al to become close, but Ed watched it before his eyes with something like dread. He wasn't jealous, but he felt excluded. It was no longer him and his brother as close as anything, it was Ed standing on the sidelines, while Al turned to Winry for support and comfort.
And love. There was no doubt of the love Al had for her, it showed in his face so clearly. Even when she was prattling on about engines and mechanics, a language so foreign to the Elrics, he just gazed at her in admiration.
Sometimes Ed wanted to slap him for being so obvious about it.
Maybe Ed was jealous, but not because Al was with Winry. He also wanted someone to love. He wanted someone to be close to. But who would want him, with all his issues and his problems...
He felt the tears running down his face, turning freezing cold on his cheeks. He noticed it was something that happened when he drank, and drank too much. All of the tears that he had held back for those years during the search for the stone, came crashing down his face as if someone had opened the floodgates. All of the pain and hurt he had gone through, the loss he had felt he allowed to escape in the form of tears for just those few drunken hours. It sometimes was a relief to his pain, and sometimes it was just a reminder of his misery.
He was nearly back to the house at that point, and was wiping the tears off with his coat sleeves when he noticed a light still on inside. It was odd, Al and Winry were typically in their room at this time of night. He was too drunk really to pay any attention to it as he opened the door to find his brother and Winry sitting in the living room talking in hushed voices that silenced when he walked in.
His brother got up and made his way toward Ed grabbing him by the shoulders gently, looking into his eyes with a quiet concern. Ed's thoughts were blurred but he vaguely recalled crying during the walk, and realized he must have looked a mess.
"Ed are you all right?" Al asked, already knowing his brother's answer before he even said it.
It was always the same.
"Yeah, I'm fine Al. What're you guys doing still up?" His last sentence was slurred and his eyes struggled to find focus.
"Ed we need to talk to you." Al guided him to the couch, sitting him down next to Winry who eyed him with worry.
"It can't wait til morning?" Ed mumbled, even in his less than sober state he felt a lecture coming on which he sought to evade.
"Listen, we love you so much." Tears sprung up at Winry's eyes. "We can't let you ruin your life like this."
Ed was surprised and reeled towards his brother, "Wait, what does she mean, Al?"
Al sighed, taking a deep breath before responding. "What Winry means, brother, is that your drinking is destroying you. You aren't yourself, I-I feel like I don't even know you anymore" He nervously wrung his hands together.
"I am myself." Ed frowned, the severity of the conversation was quickly sobering him up. "Is this about the drinking? I just drink in the evening sometimes, it's not a big deal."
"It's all the time, you're drinking your life away. And you won't talk to anyone." Al seemed especially hurt by his brother's lack of communication.
Ed immediately jumped to his typical defensive attitude. "Who should I confide in, Al? You're always with Winry."
He saw the flash of hurt in the eyes of both of them, but especially his younger brother. But he didn't care, how could they ambush him like this?
"Do you not want me to be with Winry?" Al said quietly, looking at his brother. "You know I'm always there for you." He noticed Winry giving Al a confused look.
"No, no. It's not like that..." Ed mumbled suddenly feeling ashamed. "I just feel so alone."
"Oh Ed!" Winry threw her arms around him. "We never want you to feel that way, you know how much we love you. I just don't think we're what you need right now. You need to be around more people, and you need to DO something. I think you've gotten depressed because there hasn't been a goal around for you."
Al shot her a look,when she had said the word "depressed", but Ed didn't need a veil. He knew that he had sunken into a depression, he wasn't completely naive.
"So what do you think I should do?" Ed mumbled, his head falling dejectedly into his hands. He didn't want to feel this way anymore, this worthlessness that permeated everything.
"Well, I called Mustang and his crew up in Central." Al said slightly ashamed, accepting the quick glare his brother tossed at him.
"You want me to go to Central? Is this because you don't want me around?" Ed snapped back his answer, knowing already that it wasn't the case. He had been watching his brother's concern for him grow over the past months.
"No! Brother you KNOW that's not true. But there is nothing here in Resembol for you, maybe the Colonel can help you find work, something you can enjoy doing."
"Like what? How can Mustang help me. Besides, Al, you know he's an alcoholic himself." Ed glared at his younger sibling.
"Brother, I don't know how else to help you! It's been a year and I've only watched you grow worse, and more detached from everyone and everything. It hurts me that you aren't okay. You're 18, you should be happy, not putting yourself in an early grave. If you work in Central, or do research there around other people your age you won't be stuck in this small town. Maybe you'll be happier. You know that's all I want for you."
"I want to be happy too." Ed looked down at his hands, accepting his brother's concern.
"I truly only want you to be happy, I hate seeing you like this." Al's voiced dropped, and he stared deep into his brother's eyes, and for those moments it was just the two of them in the room. "Ed, I can never thank you enough for what you did for me. Nothing I can do can ever repay that debt, and to watch you throw away your brilliance while I can do nothing to stop it breaks my heart."
"I've told you before, you don't need to thank me. I was only correcting my own stupid mistake. And what I do with my life shouldn't affect you." He paused, finally noticing Winry who had been sitting silently watching their interaction.
"I'm so proud of you Al. Really, I am. I wish I was more like you."
Al blinked back some surprise, not comprehending in what way Ed wished he was like him, but he didn't question it. He saw the sad, distant look his brother had taken on, and didn't think it wise to probe any further.
"That's funny brother, because so many times I wished I was more like you." Al gave a weak smile, as he pulled his brother in for a hug. "Will you call me while in Central?"
Ed gave a nod of agreement. He felt tired now to his core. But he knew Al was right. He needed to get his life together. And for the first time, he was accepting help with open arms.
"I'll go to Central Al, for you, and for me."
A/N: AHHH I'm super excited for this fic! Thanks to everyone for reading! ^_^